- [Announcer] Experience a journey
you swore you'd never go through again.
"Puberty: The Musical."
(whimsical music)
♪ I woke up with something sticky in my bed ♪
♪ And the thought of my babysitter Kayla in my head ♪
♪ Never knew where my uterus was before ♪
♪ But now I feel a cramp I can't ignore ♪
♪ Puberty, puberty ♪ ♪ Training bra ♪
♪ Puberty, puberty ♪ ♪ Body hair ♪
♪ It's bad for you and it's bad for me ♪
♪ Hormones ♪ ♪ Puberty, puberty, puberty ♪
♪ Puberty ♪
♪ Please take this boner away ♪
♪ From me ♪
- [Announcer] "An instant classic," says no one.
♪ Madison was so mean to her mom ♪
♪ Today in carpool ♪
♪ If only my hormones were racing like hers ♪
♪ God, that would be so cool ♪
- Mom, you're so stupid!
♪ If only I could be a woman like that ♪
♪ Grown enough to yell at a boomer ♪
♪ But my boobies are flat ♪
♪ And my pits have no hair ♪
♪ No hair ♪
♪ I'm just a pathetic late bloomer ♪
- I wish I was never born!
- [Announcer] Starring every Disney Channel star
who tried to move on to something edgier but couldn't.
♪ I just started smellin' like a grown ass man ♪
♪ Not gonna ruin I with deodorant ♪
♪ Mom, stop pushin ♪
♪ And I just wanna put my dick into something ♪
♪ It doesn't matter what it could be ♪
♪ Couch cushion ♪
♪ We're grown men ♪
♪ Angry and horny and nothing else ♪
♪ We're grown men ♪
♪ I got one hair on the tip of my dick ♪
(man with glasses wheezes rapidly)
- Hey man, that's not where pubes are supposed to grow.
- Oh (beep).
- Are you sure it's, like, growing out of it?
- It could be just couch cushion fuzz.
- No, it's definitely not that.
You're a (beep) freak.
- [Announcer] Let us bring you back
to memories of your first love.
- Hi, Lucas.
- Hi, Trish.
- I, uh, wanted to ask you something
about the dance on Friday?
- Really? I wanted to ask you something too.
♪ Madison thinks that Brant is cool ♪
♪ Does Brant even know that she goes to this school ♪
♪ Wait, Madison C. or Madison L ♪
♪ Madison C ♪
♪ Who is Madison L ♪
♪ She's in Rachel's homeroom ♪
♪ And she does karate ♪
- Oh, that's cool, but no.
♪ Madison C. wanted to ask Brant out ♪
♪ Well, Brant like-likes Madison C., but had doubts ♪
♪ Well, Madison C. like-likes Brant ♪
♪ But she was too afraid he wouldn't go to the dance ♪
♪ Brant can be dropped off at her house ♪
♪ At 6:00 p.m. ♪
♪ That would be perfect for them ♪
- [Announcer] And no musical would be complete
without an unwarranted rap number.
- Oh my God, I'm breaking out!
(upbeat music)
♪ I am the acne, attack me ♪
♪ You will never whack me ♪
♪ Can't escape my bumpy shape ♪
♪ Not even with Cerave ♪
♪ I'm a zit, man ♪
♪ (beep), man ♪
♪ You're gonna need a hit man ♪
♪ I'm overactive, unattractive ♪
♪ Better get that bitch Proactiv ♪
♪ We poppin' up ♪
♪ Medical acne ♪
- [Announcer] Growing up comes with its challenges.
♪ Herpes from a kiss on the lips ♪
♪ Touching mouths and that could be it ♪
♪ Gonorrhea, HIV ♪
♪ Here's the list of STDs ♪
♪ These are STDs ♪
♪ STDs, STDs, STDs, ♪
♪ STDs, STDs ♪
(teacher roars)
- [Announcer] And don't miss our controversial number
that Broadway.com calls, "Traumatizing."
♪ It's too scary ♪
♪ How do people do this ♪
♪ I can't find the hole ♪
♪ I don't know where to put it in ♪
- Comfort should be the goal.
- Maxi Pad?
- Trish, there's no shame in using me.
Sure, I feel like a diaper, but-
- You're not a baby, are you?
- Tampon?
- Only pussies use pads. (sensual jazz music)
- That's a really confusing sentence.
♪ Slide me up ♪
♪ Just prod around ♪
♪ The hole was lost ♪
♪ But it will be found ♪
♪ 'Cause I got a ♪
♪ Big, sexy cardboard applicator ♪
- [Announcer] The New Yorker says, "Wut?"
- Now, I know it's the first dance of the show year
and you kids are gonna wanna bump and grind
and shake all over each other,
but remember, the coolest new dance craze
is leaving room for Jesus.
(upbeat music)
♪ This is how we dance appropriately ♪
♪ Put your arms out like a mummy ♪
♪ Now turn face to face ♪
♪ But don't hold each other close ♪
♪ Push each other away ♪
♪ Leave room for me ♪
♪ This is how people get pregnant ♪
♪ Leave room for me ♪
(actors panting)
- If you step on my toe one more time,
I swear I'm gonna (beep)- - I'm not doing it on purpose.
Your mark is over in front of the table.
Your mark is in front of the table.
- [Announcer] "Puberty: The Musical."
Now streaming on Disney-.
(sentimental orchestral music)
♪ I got a boner in class ♪
♪ In class ♪
♪ Ah ♪
(man grunts)
(actor whimpers)
(man snickers)
(desk rattles)
(book clatters)
- [Director] Cut! Great.
(all laughing)
♪ Madison sinks ♪
- Ah, (beep). It's Madison C.
Sorry.
♪ Madison sinks in the depth of the void ♪
- [Courtney] Madison seeks!
Madison thinks!
- She submits to the chaos.
- She seeks out to Brant- - Anthropy takes her.
- Could be couch cushion fuzz.
- Okay.
- Yeah. - Okay.
- Okay.
- You're supposed to wash under everything, right?
- Yeah. - Oh, shoot.
Let me go wash.
- Well, not at school.
- Well, not now.
- Not now.
- No, I'm gonna go wash.
- I wouldn't, I wouldn't. - Okay.
- I'm gonna wash.
- Drinking fountain's that way, yeah.
- Yeah, drinking fountain's that way.
- [Director] Cut!
(crew laughs)
- Hi, Lucas.
- Hi, Trish.
- Oh, sorry, the curtain tripped me up.
The curtain tripped me up.
- [Director] Okay guys, still rolling.
- Bye Trish! - So sorry.
That's how I would actually be with a guy I liked.
- Chlamydia!
Gah!
- [Director] Cut.
(cast laughs) - [Woman] Cut!
- [Director] Cutting.
♪ Madison sinks ♪
(beep)! (beep)!
- (Damien laughs) Sorry.
- [Courtney] It's Madison thinks!
Madison thinks!
God dammit!
- [Director] Break dance at the (beep) end of the play.
God, it's good.
Cool?
(woman laughs)
(actors laughing)
All right, you guys ready?
- [Courtney] I hate you guys.
- Yeah, me too. - God damn it.
(crew laughing)
♪ Madison seeks ♪
- (beep)!
You literally said it!
(crew laughs)
- [Woman] I feel like I cursed you by accident.
- [Courtney] (beep)!
- [Director] We got it.
We're gonna get it. (woman laughs)
- [Courtney] Madison (beeps) thinks, dude!
- So do you go to this school?
- Do you go here?
- I do. Fifth year senior.
- Oh, wow. - Oh.
- (beeps). - Yeah. (laughs)
Still haven't figured these out.
- You look old. - Yeah.
- Yeah, I know.
- Are we still doing this.
- I'm not.
- Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
How much are you getting paid for this?
- Nothing. - Oh, okay.
You gotta go?
- Is this gonna demonetize this?
- Can I stay here?
I don't have anywhere to sleep tonight.
- You look comfortable.
Like, you could just sleep- - I am comfortable.
- Face down and you'd be fine. - I could. Yeah, I'd be fine.
All right, I'm gonna go do that.
I'm gonna sleep in the back. - Okay.
Anybody want a hit of this?
- [Maxi Pad] Don't tell anyone!
- I'm gonna call security.
- [Maxi Pad] Don't!
Why? - Don't!
Don't! - We're all here,
we're all here. - God dammit.
- I'm so sick of society. - They're not gonna find me.
- Get a load of this, society.