I'm just going to leave my hand subtly open on the arm rest next to me
so that he knows he can hold it if he wants.
Wow, he STILL hasn't taken my hand.
I've been eating popcorn with my uncoordinated left hand and have spilled it five times.
How obvious do I have to be?
*laughter*
Garfield's crazy!
Maybe if I splayed my fingers out a little bit more.
Hey would it be okay if I held your hand?
Um,
What are you doing? Say yes! This is what you wanted!
*singing* I wanna hold your hand!
Come let me hold your hand!
That's a nice song.
Did you write it?
No, are you serious?
You don't know what that song is?
That's "I Wanna Hold Your Hand" by The Beatles. You know,
only the greatest band of all time.
Oh.
I wish I was a beetle right now.
So what are we going to do about Becky?
With Valentine's Day coming up, I feel like we should set her up with someone.
Ooh! I've actually brainstormed a list of ways that we can do this!
Okay.
So,
We could set her up on a blind date?
Mmm.
Too obvious.
We could invite her to a party,
the guest-list of which we specifically curate to include only single people?
Ooo, you've taken that idea from the list we made for Cindy, haven't you?
Yes I did.
I do still love that idea,
but I'm not married to it for Becky.
Set her up with your brother?
I wouldn't actually hate that.
*gasp* I could be her sister-in-law!
Oh no hang on, he's just started dating someone.
Hire an actor to run into her at the grocery store and tell her she's beautiful.
Okay I feel like we're not THAT desperate.
Okay.
How about we download Boo for her?
Ooo! You mean that app that matches people based on MBTI type?
Yeah! She loves MBTI,
and it's not exclusively a dating app!
Thanks to their personality-based algorithm, you can form friendships
with people with shared interests to you.
So it'll be subtle.
Do you think there are people on there who'll appreciate all the random photos of her house plants that she sends to people?
Cause like, I get like ten of those a day.
Like, it's cute and all, but like, you don't really know what to say after like the third photo of a cactus.
Well apparently it's the most-downloaded MBTI-based social app
so I'm sure there'll be all sorts of people on there!
Probably some house-plant-lovers.
Are there any bots?
Not from what I've heard. My friends on the app tell me that
it seems to be free of scammers and bots.
Just real people.
Darnit.
I've always wanted to meet a robot.
Well, you won't on Boo.
They must be pretty legitimate as well, because they've got almost a 5-star rating on the Google Play Store and the App store.
And they've featured in Psychology Today.
Wow!
Mmhm!
"Boo"?
More like "woo"!
Am I right?
*polite laughter*
Was that a joke?
Yeah.
Oh.
*more polite laughter*
Okay! Sounds like a plan!
Great!
So who else are we setting up?
Every single morning, I come out here and there's a darned hand-picked rose on my doorstep.
I gotta catch this person.
A-HA!
It's you!
Yes.
You caught me.
Yeah look I can give you props for the stealth,
but I have to ask:
in what world did you think it was a good idea to give ME a ROSE every morning?
Know your audience!
Oh I'm so sorry! Has this been an inconvenience for you?
I mean, not really, but
I would've much rather you'd just called me up and asked me out.
But,
romance!
Yeah so that notion of "romance"
is a concept that Hallmark cards and low-budget chick-flicks has tried to sell you.
True romance happens organically between two parties,
and it's been really frustrating trying to work out who's doing this
when you haven't even left me a name,
a card... I mean you gave me the poem the other day, but
I used it as kindling for the fire so I wasn't able to analyse it and work out who it was.
That was a stupid mistake, I'll admit.
You...
used it for kindling...?
Yeah, the perfume you sprayed on it made it extra flammable.
*gasp*
Anyway, the point is,
thanks for the effort, but there's no need for more roses.
Now, given that it is Valentine's Day,
I am free tonight if you did want to go to dinner.
Oh, cool!
But actually,
I'm so sorry,
the roses have actually been for your brother.
What?
My brother?
Yeah I knew the whole time; I was just really enjoying watching you get annoyed every morning.
Thanks for the offer but I'm not really a rose kind of dude.
Not that I have anything against the flower per se,
although, actually,
out of all the flowers, they're probably the ones that I trust the least.
They're just too sure of themselves, you know?
Oh.
Anyway,
appreciate the interest but ah, I'm good.
Single from the womb,
single to the tomb.
Sorry I'm late. I got into an altercation with a woman who thought that
the middle of the road was the best place to take a selfie!
I've confiscated her phone, though, so we should be good.
All good.
Is that a shirt with your phone number on it?
Yep.
Why?
It's Valentine's Day. This is when people are the most keen for a date.
Yeah but, with a sociopath?
No no! You're not getting your phone yet!
Say what you want buddy, but you wish YOU had a t-shirt with your phone number on it.
Um, no I don't.
I have business cards.
She's so great.
When will I work up the courage to ask her out?
Hey Fred, check out these pictures that I just put up on my Boo profile.
Here's a picture of me with Charlie, a border collie that I met at the zoo.
and here's a picture of me with some cute dog that I found at the park!
We had ice cream later.
I wish she and I could have ice cream.
And this is me with Gerald, who was the sweetest little pug.
Will you please go out on a date with me?
Oh.
These dogs aren't mine.
Yeah. They're other people's dogs.
I know.
I don't have a dog.
What did I ask?
I know you want a dog park girl, and
I mean, until I get my own dog,
that's just not me.
What makes you think I want a dog park girl?
Well you're always at the dog park while I'm there.
What?
No I'm not.
Yeah you are.
I always see you in the bushes with binoculars.
Well yeah,
that's my favourite bird-watching spot!
Oh, okay.
Well I'm not a bird either.
If you like birds, maybe you should ask one of those out.
... Are you being serious right now?
Nah. I'll go out with you.
Will you actually?
I'm just not really sure what's a joke and what isn't right now.
Yeah, I'll go.
Gosh,
strange that we've known each other for twenty years and you're only NOW starting to see me as a dating option!
Yeah.
I certainly haven't been picturing a hundred different futures with you since we were like, five.
Hi, friend!
What can I get you on this fine day?
Oh, I'll just have a glass of water, thank you.
Oh no, come on, you're at a bar! And we have a whole list of fancy cocktails!
Oh I'm just here to kill some time before my meeting.
Are you sure? I can make you a custom cocktail!
Put a little fancy umbrella!
... Curly-wurly straw?
Thank you, but I'd rather not have any unknowns before my meeting.
Okay, well
how about a chat?
Fine.
Great!
So,
Valentine's Day - you're working instead of dating.
I admire your devotion.
Hey.
Can I buy you a drink?
Oh no thanks. I'm waiting for my meeting.
Fair enough.
This meeting must be really important.
There's a potential promotion on the line.
My colleague Jill is huge competition. It's a whole story.
Oh, well,
best of luck to you.
It'll take the edge off.
Where did he get that?
Oh, we have another bar on the verandah.
My ex-boyfriend Jeremy works there.
Yep. Hi, Jeremy! Hi.
I've just found out he has a new girlfriend...
In fact I might just...
It's really hard, you know?
You know you try,
you try to give drinks to people...
you try to be a good bartender but, you know,
he goes and meets... some chick... on a new app and
what, I'm just supposed to
be a bartender in the same proximity as him and like not drink-
Yeah I'm not... the best person
to talk to about this kind of stuff.
Especially when there's a meeting at stake.
Yeah.
Your priorities are all over the place.
You're a mess. You should...
get... help.
I wonder if this would taste better through a curly-wurly straw.
Okay.
How do I be "romantic" according to social standards?
Ah. Flowers.
Pick a flower and give it to her.
Wow.
He's really going out of his way to be nice.
I will attempt to accept this flower.
I'm so sorry.
It's fine, I don't care.
How do I save this situation?
Wow.
I really ROSE to that occasion, didn't I?
What are you doing? This isn't even a rose.
You don't have to make puns to impress me. Just be yourself.
Mys-self?
But... who is that?
Just... be you.
Who am I?
I've ruled out "bran muffin".
Sorry, did I just hear someone on the brink of an identity crisis?
*crying* Yes.
How did you know?
Hey.
I was like-
As an ENTP, I hate everyone and everything, so
Wow!
It was meant to break apart.
Hey.
I can't!
You can! You can!
And, um, make sure you've only,
like, you've not got too much space above my head.
Okay, you're a funny man.
-made it extra flammable.
-with a sociopath?
He's a big boi.
Oh.
Philippines?
We'll just wait!
Anyway, point is,
I've... forgot the point.
The perfume made it extra flammable.
No I've done that line!
Kay.
Fair enough.