>> Stephen: WELCOME, WELCOME, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, TO "A LATE
SHOW" I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
WE JUST WALKED INTO THE ROOM.
WE JUST LITERALLY FINALIZED THE SCRIPT.
I CAN'T WAIT TO FIND OUT WHAT WE JUST WROTE.
THIS IS GOING TO BE REALLY EXCITING, I HAVEN'T EVEN HAD
TIME TO PREP MY EYEBALLS BECAUSE THEY'VE HAD QUITE A BEATING
TONIGHT.
WE ARE LIVE FOR THE SECOND NIGHT OF THE REPUBLICAN NATIONAL
CONVENTION.
IT ONLY FEELS LIKE WE'RE DEAD.
IF YOU MISSED LAST NIGHT, CONGRATULATIONS.
DESPITE PROMISES OF POSITIVE MESSAGE, IT WAS A DARK, ANGRY
PROPAGANDA.
WITH TERRIBLE PRODUCTION VALUES.
THEY SHOULD HAVE CALLED IT "TRIUMPH OF THE WILL THIS BE
OVER SOON?" ONE BIG PROBLEM IS TRUMP AND THE
G.O.P. WERE IN COVID DENIAL FOR MONTHS.
THE DEMOCRATS ACTUALLY LOOKED AHEAD, MADE TIME TO PRODUCE
SOMETHING FOR THEIR CONVENTION, FOUR PRETTY SMOOTH NIGHTS.
THE REPUBLICANS HAD TO CRAM ATI THE LAST MINUTE.
"I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY.
WHY CAN'T I JUST PAY SOMEONE TO TAKE THE CONVENTION FOR ME."
SINCE THEY HAD NO TIME TO PREP, INSTEAD OF COOL VIDEOS AND
LOCATION SHOOTS, THE R.N.C. WAS MOSTLY A SINGLE LOCATION WITH
SPEAKERS TAKING TURNS AT THE PODIUM.
THE EVENING LOOKED LIKE A RACIST SPELLING BEE.
"CAN I HAVE THE WORDS "LANGUAGE OF ORIGIN," AND THEN HAVE THE
WORD "ARRESTED BY ICE?" THANK YOU.
TO BRING ENERGY, A LOT OF SPEAKERS REPLACED NUANCED
ARGUMENT WITH SCREAMING.
IT'S HARD TO IMAGINE THIS WEEK IS GOING TO GET LOUDER THAN LAST
NIGHT.
WHAT-- WHAT DO YOU THINK, KIMBERLY GUILFOYLE?
>> THE BEST IS YET TO COME!
>> Stephen: WELL, IT COULDN'T, GET MUCH WORSE!
HE THOUGHT.
SO LET'S GET TO NIGHT TWO OF WHAT WE'RE CALLING...
>> THIS AMERICAN CARNAGE.
( EXPLOSIONS ) ( ROARING )
>> BE BEST.
>> I'M MIKE PENCE.
>> I ALONE CAN FIX IT!
>> I'M BACK-- HEY!
>> WATCH OUT, BRO!
>> HE'S SO HIGH, DAD!
>> Stephen: NOW, YOU KNOW TRUMP'S GOT TO BE UPSET, BECAUSE
LAST NIGHT, TV VIEWERSHIP WAS WAY DOWN.
THE G.O.P. DREW JUST 15.8 MILLION PEOPLE, WHILE THE FIRST
NIGHT OF THE D.N.C. ATTRACTED 18.7 MILLION VIEWERS..
UNFORTUNATELY FOR TRUMP, NEILSEN DOESN'T HAVE AN ELECTORAL
COLLEGE.
NOR DOES IT COUNT THE MILLIONS OF PEOPLE WITH THEIR TV SETS OFF
WHO STILL HEARD KIMBERLY GUILFOYLE'S TORTURED CRIES ECHO
THROUGH THEIR DREAMS.
NIGHT TWO, TRUMP WASN'T GOING TO MAKE THE SAME MISTAKE.
THE REALITY SHOW STAR PULLED OUT ALL THE STOPS, INCLUDING
PARDONING A CONVICTED FELON ON NATIONAL TV.
UH, NO, NOT THAT ONE.
OR THAT ONE.
OR ANY OF THESE.
NO, THE MAN TRUMP PARDONED WAS JOHN PONDER.
PONDER HAS A REALLY WONDERFUL AND INSPIRING STORY.
HE ROBBED A BANK IN NEVADA, AND LATER FUNDED A-- FOUNDED A
NONPROFIT CALLED "HOPE FOR PRISONERS INCORPORATED" THAT
HELPS FORMER INMATES RE-ENTER SOCIETY.
"WE'RE A LOT ALIKE.
YOU SAY BANK ROBBER.
I SAY BANKRUPTER.
♪ LET'S CALL YOUR SENTENCE OFF ♪ SNOIT THEN WE HEARD FROM
KENTUCKY SENATOR AND TOOTHBRUSH THAT NEEDS REPLACING, RAND PAUL.
PAUL SPOKE GLOWINGLY OF TRUMP'S CHARACTER.
>> DONALD TRUMP IS A DELUSIONAL NARCISSIST AND AN ORANGE-FACED
WINDBAG.
>> Stephen: I'M SORRY, THAT WAS 2016.
THIS KEEPS HAPPENING.
AGAIN, I THOUGHT THEY WERE GOING WITH THE SAME PROGRAM-- HE KEPT
THE SAME HAIR.
OKAY.
WE ALSO HEARD FROM A FARMER WHO TALKED ABOUT SURVIVING A FIRE
AND COMING BACK WITH THE LATEST IN DAIRY TECHNOLOGY.
>> WE HAD A NEW STATE-OF-THE-ART ROBOTIC MILKING FACILITY THAT
ALLOWS OUR COWS TO MILK THEMSELVES.
>> Stephen: YES, THE COWS MILKS THEMSELVES, BUT JERRY
FALWELL JR. WATCHES.
MORE ON THAT LATER.
THE NEXT SPEAKER INTRODUCED HIMSELF THUSLY.
>> HELLO, FOLKS.
YOU KNOW ME FROM TV AND RADIO.
>> Stephen: NOPE, ACTUALLY I KNOW YOU BECAUSE WE HAD THE SAME
COKE DEALER IN THE 90s AND SPIDER WANTS HIS CASH, LARRY!
KUDLOW UNVEILED THE ADMINISTRATION'S NEW PLAN TO TOP
COVID-- PRETEND IT'S ALREADY OVER.
>> THEN CAME A ONCE IN 100-YEAR PANDEMIC.
IT WAS AWFUL.
>> Stephen: WHY ARE YOU USING THE PAST TENSE?TION'S NEW
YOU KNOW WE STILL CAN'T SHAKE HANDS IN THE MOST POPULAR
COLLEGE DORM IS CHILDHOOD BEDROOM, RIGHT?
HE CONTINUED TO LOOK BACK ON THE PRESENT.
>> IT WAS AWFUL.
HEALTH AND ECONOMIC IMPACTS WERE TRAGIC.
HARDSHIP AND HEARTBREAK WERE EVERYWHERE.
>> Stephen: COULD YOU BE A LITTLE MORE BLASE THERE, LAR.
PEOPLE DIED.
POOR FOLK'S HEARTS WERE SAD AND LOST MILLIONS OF MONEY.
SORRY FOR THE LOW ENERGY, BUT DON JR. SWIPED MY COKE."
THEN VICE PRESIDENT PENCE SHOWED UP AND DROVE HOME HIS CORE
MESSAGE-- THAT HE IS EXTREMELY BORING.
>> EVERY SINGLE DAY WITHOUT FAIL, PRESIDENT DONALD TRUMP HAS
BEEN FIGHTING FOR YOU.
>> Stephen: AND HE WILL CONTINUE FIGHTING FOR YOU,
PROVIDED YOU ARE THE LAST TRUMP STICK IN THE BUCKET.
PENCE-- I NEEDED COFFEE TO STAY WEAK BEFORE I SAID THE WORD
"MIKE PENCE."
PENCE TOLD THE STORY OF A STUDENT IN TROUBLE.
>> JACK IS AN EIGHT-YEAR-OLD FROM WISCONSIN.
WHO WAS STRUGGLING ACADEMICALLY AND SOCIALLY IN SCHOOL.
BUT JACK'S MOM, SARAH, WHO WORKS THROUGH JOBS TO SUPPORT HIR SON,
APPLIED FOR WISCONSIN'S SCHOOL CHOICE VOUCHER PROGRAM.
>> Stephen: HEY, MIKE, NOT TOLYN TAKE ANYTHING AWAY FROM YOUR
SCHOOL THING, BUT MAYBE FIX THE PART WHERE SHE'S WORKING THREE
JOBS.
NO?
OKAY, SORRY.
NEXT UP, A POTUS SURPRISE!
TRUMP AND HIS ILLEGAL HOMELAND SECURITY SECRETARY, CHAD WOLF,
PRESIDED OVER AWE NATURALIZATION CEREMONY FOR A GROUP OF PROUD
NEW AMERICAN CITIZENS.
GOOD FOR THEM.
AND AFTER THEY'D BEEN SWORN IN, TRUMP TOUTED THE NATION THEY'D
JOIED.
>> YOU EARNED THE MOST PRIZED, TREASURED, CHERISHED, AND
PRICELESS POSSESSION ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD.
IT'S CALLED AMERICAN CITIZENSHIP.
>> Stephen: "YOU CAN NOW RECEIVE A U.S. PASSPORT, WHICH
THANKS TO MY LEADERSHIP OF COVID, IS NOT ACCEPTED IN ANY
COUNTRIES BUT IT DOES GET YOU INTO PARTICIPATING HARDY'S
LOCATIONS.
CRISPY CURLS AND A COKE, TRUST MY ON THIS ONE."
THEN THERE WAS AN ERIC TRUMP SIGHTING.
HE IS CLEARLY WATCHING THE R.N.C. BECAUSE HE TWEETED THIS
REVIEW OF LAST NIGHT'S BY FORMER N.F.L. STAR HERSHEL WALKER.
HE HIT IT OUT OF THE PARK TONIGHT.
THAT'S NOT WHAT THEY DO IN THE N.F.L.
HERSHEL WALKERRER DID A SLAM HUFF DUNKAL.
HE NETTED A GOOD TENNIS.
YAWTSY!
ERIC CAME OUT-- IT'S HARD TO TALK AFTER YOU DO THAT.
ERIC CAME OUT WITH A STRONG START.
>> WE COULD ALL FEEL IT.
SOMETHING WAS HAPPENING.
A OVEMENT WAS FORMING JUST BELOW THE SURFACE.
>> Stephen: ERIC, DID YOUR FATHER NEVER HAVE THE TALK WITH
YOU?
OKAY.
UM... WELL WHEN A YOUNG MAN MEETS A PORN STAR AND HAS AYO
ROLLED UP COPY OF "FORBES--" YOU KNOW THE STORY.
>> AL-BAGHDADI SE SEWELL MANY YU DEAD.
>> THAT SOWNS LIKE A LIST.
>> DEMOCRATIC NORMS.
>> DEAD.
>> MY SOUL FROM WATCHING THESE LAST TWO NIGHTS.
>> DEAD.
>> Stephen: HE FINISHED WITH THIS:
>> IN CLOSING, I'D LIKE TO SPEAK DIRECTLY TO MY FATHER.
>> Stephen: "HELLO, MY NAME IS ERIC AND IT'S A PLEASURE TO MEET
YOU.
WOULD YOU LIKE A BOOTH IN THE FRONT OR THE BACK?"
( LAUGHTER )
WHICH IS A BIG CHANGE.
YESTERDAY-- THIS IS TRUE-- THE NEW YORK ATTORNEY GENERAL'S
OFFICE ASKED TO HAVE ERIC TESTIFY IN AN INQUIRY INTO
WHETHER THE TRUMP ORGANIZATION COMMITTED FRAUD.
IT WASN'T FEELING THAT CHATTY THEN.
INSTEAD, HE DECIDED TO TAKE THE FIFTH, NO SURPRISE.
ERIC'S BEEN TAKING THE FIFTH FOR YEARS IN TRUMP'S RANKING OF HIS
CHILDREN.
BUT PLEADING THE FIFTH CAN SEEM INCRIMINATING, ACCORDING TO
ERIC'S DAD WHO SAID THIS IN 2016 ABOUT HIS DEMOCRATIC OPPONENT:
>> PEOPLE TAKING THE FIFTH AMENDMENT.
YOU SEE THE MOB TAKES THE FIFTH.
IF YOU'RE INNOCENT, WHY ARE YOU TAKING THE FISK AMENDMENT.
>> Stephen: OH, NO, I'M JUST LIKE HILLARY CLINTON.
LOCK ME UP!
I'M SORRY, DAD.
HELLO, MY NAME IS ERIC.
WOULD YOU LIKE A BOOTH IN THE FRONT OR THE BACK?
OUR SPECIAL TONIGHT IS SCROD."
( LAUGHTER )
STATE AND AMERICA'S HIGHEST RANKING GUNGIN, MIKE POMPEO.
POMPEO ADDRESSED THE CONVENTION FROM JUNG KOOK AS PART OF A
TAXPAYER-FUNDED TRIP TO THE MIDDLE EAST.
POMPEO IN THE MIDDLE EAST INSPIRES THIS APPEARANCE FROM MY
MIDDLE FINGER.
BECAUSE OUR TAXES FLEW HIM TO DO HIS LITTLE PROPAGANDA SPEECH
FROM JURUSE LEM.
YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY IN PASSOVER, NEXT YEAR IN PRISON.
FACT THAT HE'S SPOOKING AT ALL IN A CONVENTION, IS NONE BUENO,
BECAUSE TRADITIONALLY SECRETARIES OF STATE SHOULD NOT
BE MIXING DIRECTLY IN DOMESTIC POLITICS.
THE SECRETARY OF STATE WORKS FOR THE AMERICAN PEOPLE.
HE SHOULDN'T BE TAKING SIDES INO OUR ELECTION.
HE SHOULD BE MEETING WITH FOREIGN LEADERS TO GET THEM TO
TAKE SIDES IN OUR ELECTION.
POLITICS AND THEN, IT WAS MELANIA TIME
AND SHE DRESSED TO IMPRESS OR COMMAND THE SOVIET TANK CORPS.
MELANIA MARCHED OUR DOWN MEMORY LANE.
>> IT SEEMS LIKE JUST YESTERDAY WHEN MY HUSBAND ACCEPTED THE
REPUBLICAN NOMINATION.
>> Stephen: COUNTER-POINT, NO IT DOESN'T.
MELANIA TALKED ABOUT HER OWN CITIZENSHIP JOURNEY.
>> I WAS ABLE TO ACHIEVE MY OWN AMERICAN DREAM.
>> Stephen: PARTYING WITH JEFFREY EPSTEIN AND GHISLAINE
MAXWELL.
SHE REMINISCED ABOUT HER YEARS IN THE WHITE HOUSE.
>> THE PAST THREE AND A HALF YEARS HAVE BEEN UNFORGETTABLE.
>> Stephen: EXCEPT FOR THOSE WEIRD 24 DAYS IN 2018 WHERE NO
ONE SAW ME OR KNEW WHERE I WAS.
LET'S FORGET ABOUT THOSE.
DURING HIS WIFE'S SPEECH, IT LOOKED LIKE DONALD TRUMP WAS
HAVING A REALLY GREAT TIME.
"I HATE THESE RECITALS.
WHICH ONE OF MY CHILDREN IS THIS?
IS THAT TURFANY OR MALARIA?" THEN, MELANIA LAID OUT HER PLANS
FOR A SECOND TERM.
>> IN MY NEXT FOUR YEARS AS FIRST LADY, I WILL CONTINUE TO
BUILD ON "BE BEST."
>> Stephen: JUST SAYING, IF YOU HAVE TO REBUILD ON IT, MAYBE
IT WASN'T BEST.
AND TO RECAP, LAST NIGHT WAS LOUD AND ALARMING.
TONIGHT WAS SLOW AND BORING.
DON'T WORRY, TOMORROW NIGHT'S KEYNOTE SPEAKER IS MIKE...
HOW LONG WAS I OUT?
WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
MIKE GUESTS ARE BILL AND TED THEMSELVES, KEANU REEVES AND
ALEX WINTER.
WE'LL ALSO GET A CONVENTION REACTION FROM FORMER REPUBLICAN
CONGRESSMAN TREY GOWDY.
BUT WHEN WE RETURN, WE TACK A DEEP DIVE INTO THE HYPOCRISY
POOL.
STICK AROUND.