( PIANO RIFF ) AND THAT'S JUST ONE SIGN OF
CHAOS.
YESTERDAY, WE LEARNED ABOUT THE RESIGNATION OF WHITE HOUSE
COMMUNICATIONS DIRECTOR AND STEPMOTHER WHO WENT TO COLLEGE
WITH HER NEW DAUGHTER, HOPE HICKS.
( LAUGHTER ) ON TUESDAY, HICKS TOLD CONGRESS
THAT SHE SOMETIMES TELLS WHITE LIES FOR TRUMP.
FOR EXAMPLE: THAT SHE ONLY DOES IT "SOMETIMES."
( LAUGHTER ) THAT NEWS DID NOT SIT WELL WITH
THE PRESIDENT, WHO REPORTEDLY BERATED HICKS, AND DEMANDED,
"HOW SHE COULD BE THAT STUPID?" "I LEARNED IT FROM YOU, DAD!
I LEARNED IT FROM YOU."
( LAUGHTER ) LOSING HICKS WILL BE HARD FOR
TRUMP.
ONE FRIEND PUT IT THIS WAY: "SHE WAS NOT JUST A STAFFER FOR HIM.
YOU CAN FIND ANOTHER COMMUNICATIONS DIRECTOR.
I THINK, FOR TRUMP, THIS IS CLOSER TO LOSING A LIMB."
THAT'S RIGHT.
FOR TRUMP, LOSING HOPE HICKS IS LIKE LOSING AN ARM.
WHICH IS TERRIBLE, BECAUSE WE ALL KNOW HE NEEDS TWO HANDS TO
DRINK WATER.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
YEAH.
THAT'S THIRSTY.
THERE YOU GO.
CRACKED THE SEAL ON THAT.
AND IT'S NOT JUST HICKS.
TRUMP IS REPORTEDLY FREAKING OUT ABOUT THE WAY THE MEDIA IS
DUMPING ON SENIOR WHITE HOUSE SON-IN-LAW, AND HAUNTED KEN
DOLL, JARED KUSHNER.
( LAUGHTER ) ON TUESDAY, WE FOUND OUT THAT
KUSHNER'S SECURITY CLEARANCE HAS BEEN DOWNGRADED, AND TODAY, WE
FOUND OUT KUSHNER'S SECURITY CLEARANCE IS NOW LOWER THAN THE
WHITE HOUSE CHIEF CALLIGRAPHER.
( LAUGHTER ) THAT'S RIGHT!
LOWER THAN THE CA CALLIGRAPHER.
WHEN SHE HEARD, THE CALLIGRAPHER IMMEDIATELY SENT A MESSAGE OF
SUPPORT TO JARED.
BEAUTIFUL!
SUCK IT!
BEAUTIFUL.
( LAUGHTER ) AND AS IF THE WHITE HOUSE
SHAKEUP WEREN'T UP-SHAKEN ENOUGH, THIS AFTERNOON WE FOUND
OUT THAT THEY'RE PREPARING TO OUST NATIONAL SECURITY ADVISOR
H.R. MCMASTER.
THAT'S RIGHT, IT'S THE WHITE HOUSE CLOSEOUT SALE-- EVERY
STAFF MEMBER MUST GO!
WE'RE CRAAAAAAAZY!
WE MUST BE!
EVERYTHING MUST GO!
ACT NOW, AND TRUMP WILL THROW IN A FREE JEFF SESSIONS!
( LAUGHTER ) ONCE MCMASTER LEAVES, I BELIEVE
THE ENTIRE WHITE HOUSE STAFF WILL CONSIST OF TRUMP, JARED,
IVANKA, AND SENIOR POLICY ADVISOR, "CAN OF DIET COKE."
( LAUGHTER ) THE WHITE HOUSE INSISTS THERE'S
NO TRUTH TO THE RUMOR THAT THE GENERAL WAS ASKED TO LEAVE WHEN
TRUMP FOUND OUT THAT MCMASTER WASN'T SHREK.
( LAUGHTER ) MCMASTER FOUND HIMSELF IN A
-- EITHER BIG McMASTER OR SHREK FANS.
NOT SURE WHO THE "ALL" IS THERE.
MCMASTER FOUND HIMSELF IN A LITTLE HOT WATER WITH TRUMP LAST
MONTH, WHEN HE TOLD A GERMAN AUDIENCE THAT RUSSIAN MEDDLING
IN THE ELECTION WAS "INCONTROVERTIBLE," WHICH
VIOLATED TRUMP'S POLICIES AGAINST ACKNOWLEDGING RUSSIAN
INTERFERENCE AND USING BIG WORDS.
"LOOK, JUST SAY SAD!
OKAY, FANCY PANTS?" "SAD, RUSSIA, SAD.
I AM SAD ."
( LAUGHTER ) RUMOR HAS IT THAT THE WHITE
HOUSE ALREADY HAS MCMASTER'S REPLACEMENT PICKED OUT:
STEPHEN BIEGUN, WHO CURRENTLY SERVES AS VICE PRESIDENT FOR THE
FORD MOTOR COMPANY.
SO THEY MAY BE LOSING A THREE-STAR GENERAL WITH A PURPLE
HEART, BUT THE NEW GUY'S A WINNER OF THE J.D. POWER AWARD
FOR BEST MIDSIZED SEDAN THREE YEARS IN A ROW!
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
THANK YOU.
( JON HUMMING ) SO A LOT OF TRUMP STAFFERS ARE
LOSING THEIR "JOBS, JOBS, JOBS."
( LAUGHTER ) BUT THE GUY WHO'S REALLY
UPSETTING TRUMP IS ATTORNEY GENERAL AND RACIST DOBBY, JEFF
SESSIONS.
( LAUGHTER ) TRUMP HAS BEEN ANGRY EVER SINCE
SESSIONS RECUSED HIMSELF FROM THE RUSSIA INVESTIGATION, AND
TODAY WE LEARNED THAT ROBERT MUELLER IS EXAMINING TRUMP'S
APPARENT EFFORTS TO OUST SESSIONS LAST JULY.
WHICH IS SHOCKING.
THERE'S STILL SOMEONE IN THE WHITE HOUSE WHO WAS THERE LAST
JULY?
( LAUGHTER ) APPARENTLY, MUELLER HAS BEEN
ASKING PEOPLE ABOUT TRUMP'S PRIVATE COMMENTS AND STATE OF
MIND LAST SUMMER WHEN HE ISSUED A SERIES OF TWEETS BELITTLING
HIS "BELEAGUERED" ATTORNEY GENERAL.
AND BELITTLING SESSIONS IS TOUGH, BECAUSE HE'S ALREADY
PRETTY BE-LITTLE.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT MUELLER DOESN'T HAVE TO
REACH BACK TO LAST JULY.
TRUMP IS INSULTING SESSIONS NOW.
APPARENTLY, BEHIND SESSION'S BACK, TRUMP CALLS HIM,
"MR. MAGOO."
QUICK NOTE TO ANYONE UNDER 80, MR. MAGOO WAS A CARTOON
CHARACTER 60 YEARS AGO, AND WHAT WAS FUNNY ABOUT HIM IS THAT
HE WAS LEGALLY BLIND.
TAKE A LOOK.
HA, HA.
HE THINKS THAT PARROT IS A PHONE!
MR. MAGOO WAS ON RIGHT AFTER "POLIO POOCH."
SIMPLER TIMES.
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) ANYWAY, MUELLER IS TRYING TO
FIGURE OUT WHETHER INSULTS LIKE THESE WERE AN ATTEMPT BY TRUMP
"TO PUBLICLY SHAME THE ATTORNEY GENERAL INTO QUITTING."
JOKE'S ON YOU, MR. PRESIDENT.
YOU CAN'T DEFEAT JEFF SESSIONS WITH INSULTS.
THE ONLY WAY TO GET HIM TO LEAVE IS TO ANSWER HIS RIDDLES.
"WHAT WALKS ON FOUR LEGS IN THE MORNING, TWO LEGS AT NOON, AND
THREE LEGS IN THE EVENING?
WRONG!
THE ANSWER IS 'I DO NOT RECALL!'"
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
FOR YOU TONIGHT.