-Hi, we're Paul and Vicki Jenkins. I'm a professional psychologist
and I've worked with couples who are wondering, is my marriage worth saving?
Here's five questions you should ask before considering divorce.
-Some of these questions are pretty obvious but the ones we get to later are not. So, stick around
to the end because one of those questions might be the very one that you need.
-The first and most obvious question is the one that I already mentioned. It's the title of this video.
Is my marriage worth saving? If you're even asking this question it's probably because there have
been some problems that have come up and I've noticed. Do you remember a couple of years ago
Vicki when we had a full eclipse of the sun? That was so amazing. We all got those little goggles
you know so that you can watch it safely and as the eclipse happened it occurred to me that
the thing that's blocking the sun is the moon. Do the math. Which one's bigger? -You're right.
-Sometimes we lose sight of the value or the purpose of our marriage because the problem is right in our face.
-It's just so close that it appears bigger than the picture of our marriage. -And it's not
really bigger. It's just in our face and when these problems are in your face it sometimes eclipses
all of the purposes for your marriage in the first place. So, is my marriage worth saving?
Remember that the problems are in your face. If we can look past the problems we might see
that there are some really great reasons why this marriage is worth saving. -Asking the first question
naturally leads us to the second question and that is, why did I get married in the first place?
Yeah. It's really important sometimes to call back to your memory the reasons you were married
in the first place. -And they're good reasons. That's what had you overcoming all of the obstacles and
the difficult things about getting married in the first place because you had a strong enough reason.
I've understood for a long time as a psychologist that if we have a strong enough why we can get
past all of the difficult hows and that's hard to do when this problem is in your face.
So, do some reflecting on that. Why did I get married in the first place? This is a traditional
question that marriage counselors ask. In fact, they taught us that back in psychology school
that this is one of the things you want to ask people when they come in for counseling so that
they can get the perspective of what this is all about in the first place. -Okay, I'm going to play
a little bit of a devil's advocate. -Uh-oh. -What if the reason you got married when you think
back it really wasn't a very good reason? -Well, especially in light of the problems that you're
facing right now. It's easy to reinterpret your reasons now in light of everything that you know
and I hear this from people all the time. Well, if I would have known then what I know now.
Well, you didn't... So, you made your decisions based on the very best information that
you could possibly have. I'm thinking of people who find out that they're pregnant for example and so
they choose to get married because they feel at the time that's the best thing to do. Now, years
later they look back on it and think, "Well, I don't know if that was a very good choice." Look, you have
made the best decisions you've known to make at every step along the way and you learn as you go.
We need to be very compassionate and forgiving with ourselves as we think about the reasons
that we had then and realize that we do the best that we know. I remember that quote you shared it
with me from Maya Angelou, she said, "Do the best you know how to do and when you know better do better."
-As you consider the reasons why you got married it kind of leads us into the next question and that is,
who is going to be affected by this decision? -It's not one that you can make in isolation.
-No. -I spent about seven years of my career doing child custody evaluations for the court and this
is messy. These are people bitter angry divorcing people can't figure out how to show their kids
and the problem is how it impacts the kids and the extended family and the friends that you've
made and everything that you've built together. So, this decision is not made in isolation.
Now, I'm not saying that you should not get divorced because of that. -Right. -But that's
definitely, one of the considerations and I know a lot of people who choose to maintain a marriage
because of all of the other people that it would impact. -Well and there are people that choose the
divorce because of the people it would impact if you stayed. -Yeah. -So, just we're just saying consider it.
It's one of the considerations that we have to ask ourselves when we're at this juncture. One of
the big challenge is I've counseled with couples over the years is communication. -Oh, definitely.
-And this is something that people come in wanting some help with. When we're asking these questions and
when we're doing all of the considerations to make a big decision like this effective communication
is essential. We're not getting into that in this particular video but we've got a cheat sheet
for you, okay. So, just tell us where to send it drpauljenkins.com/communication.
Just jump over there so that you'll have five powerful strategies for effective communication.
Go grab that it's going to help with all of the other questions that we're talking about here. -This next
question might be a little bit surprising to you and that is, am I doing my own personal development?
A lot of people feel like that's the last thing they have time for when they're facing some of the
challenging situations that have brought you to the main question of is my marriage worth saving?
We're finding with research and clinical experience that a lack of personal development
puts you in a place where you're not able to make decisions with as much empathy for yourself
and confidence and empathy for those around you as you could be if you were doing your personal
development. -Now, we warned you upfront that some of the questions are obvious we've already covered
those and some of them are less obvious. This one is so essential. One of the biggest risks that I
see when people are at this particular juncture is that they get sucked into what I call a victim
paradigm. Now, you might know immediately what I mean by that. A victim paradigm is one where we
blame and avoid responsibility and feel like our life is terrible. -That we have no control over
our life. Because it's everybody else... -No choice.Yes, now, you might relate with some
of these feelings. This is risky. Because when you get sucked into a victim paradigm your life gets
worse and you're likely to blame somebody else for that and you know who to blame too.
So, do your personal development work. Look, this is important whether you stay together or not.
In fact, I'm finding in my clinical experience that the couples who
succeed to keep their marriage together effectively handle their personal development
each one of them individually is working on their own stuff and the couples who divorce
who move on to a happy fulfilled life after the divorce are doing the same thing. They're working
on their personal development. They're getting their own stuff in a pile so that they can handle
all of the difficult things that are coming up. -I think one of the reasons that this concept is so
important is because the personal development is the only thing that you have control over.
-You can't change your spouse. I can't tell you how many times people have come to my office.
They've signed up for couples coaching or counseling and they want me to change their
spouse. -There's no power in that. -You can't do that. It's not just that you shouldn't.
You can't change your spouse and I can't either. I'm a professional psychologist I can't change your
spouse. So, you work on this you work on yourself that's where the power is. This last question
is kind of a culmination of all of the others. Am I open to some different approaches?
-You know, there's a lot of power in being curious about yourself and what you could
change if you were to allow it. -And some of the traditional approaches here are not that helpful.
I've seen groups for example that feed that victim paradigm that we've talked about before
or traditional therapies that have people leaving feeling like they've been blamed for all of the
problems. You get to use some discretion and as you're open to some different options that
creates all kinds of possibilities for moving forward. -To even ask the question we know that
you've already been really thinking about this and contemplative about your decisions.
We appreciate you coming to hear and we hope that something we've given you has helped you or at
least opened your mind to some new ways to think about things so that you can make better decisions.
This is more important than it is urgent. So if we can remove some of that urgency
you're on the right course as you ask these questions and give yourself the time and the
space to do what you feel is right without having the pressure of having to do something fast.
It's more important than it is urgent. If you want a quick review just hit the replay button
and watch this video again take some notes ask the questions. We've also got another one
ready for you about how you can work on your personal development. We've got your back here.