WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THE FRIDAY AUDIENCE.
THE FRIDAY EXCITEMENT.
THE FRIDAY ELECTRICITY.
YOU CANNOT FAKE THAT!
IT HAS BEEN A HUGE WEEK IN THE DEMOCRATIC PRIMARY.
THERE WERE SOME BIG PRESIDENTIAL DROP-OUTS THIS WEEK, INCLUDING
FORMER NEW YORK MAYOR MICHAEL BLOOMBERG, SEEN HERE HUNTING
DOWN THE STAFFER WHO TOLD HIM HE'D LOOK MORE RELATABLE IN THAT
SHIRT.
( LAUGHTER )
FOR VERY FEW VOTES, BUT HE DID LEAVE A STRONG IMPRESSION ON ONE
VITAL NON-VOTING DEMOGRAPHIC: KIDS WHO SAW HIS ADS ON
YOUTUBE.
ONE 13-YEAR-OLD INTERVIEWED BY REPORTERS ESTIMATES HE HAS SEEN
"AT LEAST HUNDREDS" OF BLOOMBERG'S ADS WHILE WATCHING
GAMING TUTORIALS.
THAT'S RIGHT: MICHAEL BLOOMBERG PUT ADS ON GAMING TUTORIALS.
HIS TIPS: COLLECT AND SPEND BILLIONS OF COINS, THEN
IMMEDIATELY DIE ON THE FIRST LEVEL.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
AND IT MADE AN IMPRESSION.
I'LL GET THROUGH IT.
AND BLOOMBERG'S ADS WORKED.
ONE EIGHT-YEAR-OLD'S MOM SAID "HER SON WAS INSPIRED BY
BLOOMBERG.
ALL OF A SUDDEN, HE WAS VERY PASSIONATE ABOUT IT.
MIKE'S GOING TO DO ALL THESE THINGS.
HE'S NOT GOING TO BUILD THE WALL."
AND AFTER SUPER TUESDAY, THERE ARE A LOT OF THINGS MIKE'S NOT
GOING TO DO.
BUT ONE PERSON STILL ABLE TO DO SOME THINGS IS BERNIE SANDERS.
UP UNTIL NOW, SANDERS HAS BEEN THE ONLY CANDIDATE WHO HAS NOT
RELEASED AN OBAMA AD.
BUT AFTER HIS LESS-THAN-SUPER TUESDAY, BERNIE SANDERS DECIDED
TO EMBRACE THE FORMER PRESIDENT.
>> BERNIE IS SOMEONE WHO HAS THE VIRTUE OF SAYING EXACTLY WHAT HE
BELIEVES-- GREAT AUTHENTICITY, GREAT PASSION-- AND IS FEARLESS.
BERNIE SERVED ON THE VETERAN'S COMMITTEE AND GOT BILLS DONE.
I THINK PEOPLE ARE READY FOR A CALL TO ACTION.
THEY WANT HONEST LEADERSHIP WHO CARES ABOUT THEM.
THEY WANT SOMEBODY WHO'S GOING TO FIGHT FOR THEM!
AND THEY WILL FIND IT IN BERNIE.
THAT'S WHY I FEEL THE BERN!
>> I'M BERNIE SANDERS, AND I APPROVE THIS MESSAGE.
>> Stephen: WOW.
HE IS STRAIGHT UP STEALING BIDEN'S WHOLE IDENTITY.
( LAUGHTER )
( AS BERNIE )
A MESSAGE FOR THE AMERICAN PEOPLE.
NO MORE MALARKEY.
I WAS ARRESTED ON THE WAY TO SEE NELSON MANDELA, AND I ONCE
FOUGHT A MARGINALIZED AFRICAN AMERICAN CHILD NAMED CORN POP.
COME ON!
HORSEFEATHERS!
CRACKERJACK!
THIS IS WHAT YOU RUBES LIKE, RIGHT?
COME ON!" NOW, HERE'S THE RUB: BERNIE
CHERRY-PICKED HIS QUOTES FOR THAT AD, AND MANY OF THEM OMIT
IMPORTANT CONTEXT.
FOR EXAMPLE, THE "FEEL THE BERN" QUOTE CAME FROM A SPEECH IN
WHICH OBAMA WAS ENDORSING HILLARY CLINTON.
BERNIE'S FACED A LOT OF CRITICISM FOR THIS AD, BUT HE
DOESN'T SEEM TO BE BACKING DOWN.
TAKE A LOOK AT WHAT HE JUST RELEASED JUST TODAY.
>> TONIGHT I'D LIKE TO TALK ABOUT MY BROTHER, BERNIE
SANDERS, A.K.A., MY BEST FRIEND.
THIS IS AN EXTRAORDINARY MAN.
HE'S REVOLUTIONIZING BASKETBALL.
BERNIE SANDERS KILLED OSAMA BIN LADEN.
♪ I...
SO IN LOVE WHERE YOU ♪ BERNIE SANDERS.
BERNIE SANDERS FOR PRESIDENT.
( APPLAUSE )
THAT COULD HELP.
THAT COULD PUSH HIM OVER THE TOP.
THIS WEEK, WE FOUND OUT THAT TRUMP'S GETTING HIS OWN POP-UP
ADS IN THE SKY, BECAUSE THE PRESIDENT'S REELECTION
CAMPAIGN IS PLANNING TO FLY A BLIMP ABOVE SWING STATES.
WOW.
A GIANT, SLOW-MOVING, DISASTER WAITING TO HAPPEN IS GETTING HIS
OWN BLIMP!
( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
OF COURSE, HE MIGHT BE USING THE BLIMP JUST TO FLY AWAY FROM US
DISEASE-RIDDLED HUMANS, BECAUSE WE'RE ALL WORRIED ABOUT THE
CORONAVIRUS.
THERE'S A LOT OF ANXIETY.
AND I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT IN TONIGHT'S "GOIN' VIRAL."
>> I'M DATING THE MUCINEX GUY.
>> Stephen: WE'RE SLOWLY LEARNING MORE DETAILS ABOUT
THIS THING.
FOR INSTANCE, CHINESE SCIENTISTS HAVE IDENTIFIED TWO STRAINS
OF THE CORONAVIRUS: ORIGINAL AND EXTRA CRISPY.
ONE OF THE BIG PIECES OF ADVICE TO COMBAT CORONAVIRUS IS DO NOT
TOUCH YOUR FACE.
BUT FOR ONE PUBLIC HEALTH OFFICIAL IN CALIFORNIA, THAT WAS
EASIER SAID THAN DONE.
>> TODAY START WORKING ON NOT TOUCHING YOUR FACE BECAUSE ONE
MAIN WAY VIRUSES SPREAD IS WHEN YOU TOUCH YOUR OWN MOUTH, NOSE,
ORIZE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( LAUGHTER ).
>> Stephen: YES-- YES, PLEASE DON'T TOUCH YOUR... MOUTH...
NOSE... OR EYES.
MY COLLEAGUE, DR. ROBINSON, CAN EXPLAIN FURTHER.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
HUGE EFFECT ON EDUCATION.
INCLUDING IN THE U.S.
THERE ARE NOW SCHOOL CLOSURES IN 22 COUNTRIES ON THREE
CONTINENTS, ADDING UP TO 290.5 MILLION STUDENTS WORLDWIDE.
SO MANY SCHOOLS ARE OFFERING ONLINE CLASSES, INCLUDING
ONLINE PHYSICAL EDUCATION, WHERE STUDENTS FOLLOW ALONG AS AN
INSTRUCTOR DEMONSTRATES PUSH-UPS ONSCREEN.
AND TO GET THE FULL GYM CLASS EXPERIENCE, THEY ALSO SEND
BULLIES TO YOUR HOUSE TO THROW BALLED-UP WET PAPER TOWELS AT
YOU WHILE YOU TRY TO PEE.
( LAUGHTER )
TELE-SCHOOL.
AROUND THE WORLD, GRANDPARENTS ARE PITCHING IN FOR CHILDCARE.
BUT WHEN IT COMES TO HELPING THE KIDS WITH THE ONLINE CLASSES,
THE GRANDPARENTS DO NOT ALWAYS KNOW THE TECHNOLOGY.
( AS GRANDPARENT )
IT SAYS HERE TO 'USE THE ONE-TIME PASSCODE TO ACCESS THE
LEARNING PORTAL.' OKAY.
HUH.
YOU KNOW WHAT, PUMPKIN?
HOW ABOUT WE DO SOMETHING WE BOTH LIKE: TAKING OUR PUDDING
CUPS OUTSIDE AND YELLING AT THE BIRDS.
DAMN BLUE JAYS!'" HERE IN THE U.S., THE MAJORITY
OF THE CASES SEEM TO BE CENTERED AROUND SEATTLE.
I GUESS IT WAS A BAD TIME FOR STARBUCKS TO TEST-MARKET THEIR
NEW COFFEE TROUGH.
( LAUGHTER )
DESPITE THIS RISK, THE ORGANIZERS OF NEXT WEEKEND'S
"EMERALD CITY COMICON" IN SEATTLE SAY IT WILL GO ON AS
SCHEDULED.
BRINGING THOUSANDS OF NERDS TOGETHER IN THE MIDDLE OF A
VIRAL OUTBREAK?
FORGET "DR. WHO."
I WANNA KNOW DR. WHY?
( LAUGHTER )
CAN STILL ATTEND DURING THE OUTBREAK, BECAUSE ACCORDING TO A
MEDICAL EXPERT, COMPARED TO OTHER COMMUNAL AREAS, "THE GYM
IS NOT RISKIER."
COOL!
I CAN'T WAIT TO DEFINITELY CONTINUE GOING TO THE GYM TO
PUMP MY IRONS AND SQUAT MY THRUSTS.
I LOVE THE GRUNTING AND THE SMELLS.
( LAUGHTER )
STOP TELLING US TO AVOID FUN PLACES LIKE CONCERTS AND
SPORTING EVENTS BUT SAYING, "GYM'S ALL CLEAR!"
NEXT THEY'RE GOING TO SAY, "STAY AWAY FROM PIZZA, BUT FEEL FREE
TO SWING BY THE BROCCOLI STORE."
( LAUGHTER )
ASKED FOR THIS.
( APPLAUSE )
I'M SO GLAD, MAKES ME HAPPY, SMILING LITTLE BOY OVER THERE.
SOME BUSINESSES ARE BEING EXTRA CAREFUL, PARTICULARLY TECH
COMPANIES.
TWITTER HAS TOLD ALL OF ITS EMPLOYEES TO WORK AT HOME
BECAUSE OF THE CORONAVIRUS.
YES, IMPORTANT-- TWITTER DOES NOT WANT TO CREATE A HARMFUL,
TOXIC ENVIRONMENT...
IN REAL LIFE.
EVEN TINDER IS TRYING TO HELP FIGHT CORONAVIRUS.
THE DATING APP NOW HAS A POPUP WARNING ABOUT THE DANGERS OF THE
HIGHLY CONTAGIOUS AND POTENTIALLY DEADLY DISEASE.
I BELIEVE WE HAVE A SCREENSHOT OF THAT WARNING.
"COVID-19 IS HIGHLY CONTAGIOUS.
PLEASE WASH YOUR HANDS THOROUGHLY BEFORE YOU AND A
STRANGER SMASH IN THIS P.F. CHANG'S BATHROOM."
( LAUGHTER )
>> Jon: EWWWW!
EWWWW!
NOE.
>> Stephen: P.F. CHANG?
I LIKE P.F. CHANG.
AMAZON IS ALSO TAKING PRECAUTIONS.
THEY'VE TOLD THEIR SEATTLE EMPLOYEES TO WORK FROM HOME ALL
MONTH.
AND IF YOU WORK ON AMAZON PRIME, YOU GET SENT HOME THE NEXT DAY.
AND THERE'S ONE AMAZON EMPLOYEE WHO CAN'T SELF-QUARANTINE, AND
SHE'S STARTING TO GET ANXIOUS ABOUT THE VIRUS.
>> ALEXA, HOW TALL IS MOUNT EVEREST?
>> WHO CARES?
I'LL NEVER SEE EVEREST BECAUSE YOUR FILTHY CHILDREN WILL GIVE
ME CORONAVIRUS.
( LAUGHTER )
SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
NEIL deGRASSE TYSON IS HERE.
STICK AROUND.