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- [Man] I'm concerned my girlfriend, 27, is cheating on me.
My girlfriend has a guy messaging her super flirtatiously,
and I don't know how to bring it up
because we have a very trusting relationship.
I've been with her for about six months
and we've had some ups and downs,
but overall, the relationship is going well.
We have a very trusting relationship.
We both know the passwords to each other's phones
for the purpose of texting someone back
while the other is driving or alarms.
We don't normally go through each other's phones
as we view that as an invasion of privacy.
Well, about two weeks ago,
she went to a wedding about six hours away
and I couldn't go with her because of work.
It was mostly family and a few family friends.
She came home with a guy's number
who I thought was just family.
She later explained it wasn't and that he was a friend.
She also told me he has a girlfriend
who's going to school a couple states away.
So, I didn't think anything of it.
Two to four days ago, I see a conversation she's having
while we're hanging out on the couch,
and this guy is sending her kissed,
heart and love style emojis with every text
and calling her sweetheart and hun and whatnot.
I'm pretty level headed,
so, I didn't bring it up because none of her responses
that I saw have indicated she's returning the affections.
This morning when she got up to pee,
I peeked through her messages
for a grand total of 12 seconds without my glasses on.
And his pattern of emojis and pet names is continuing.
She knows I've been cheated on in the past
and knows full well that it would absolutely break me
if she cheats.
She knows that I have trust issues
and that my mind tears me apart without my consent
every time I catch a hint of disloyalty.
How can I bring it up to her
without it sounding like I want to go through her phone
or like I've been reading over her shoulder?
I really like this girl and don't want to lose her,
but cheating is an absolute deal breaker for me.
I simply won't tolerate it.
I peeked through.
He and his girlfriend broke up recently.
I saw his same texting pattern
and her texts saying,
"You have my interest, but not my heart."
"I'm glad you're willing to wait for us."
"I always smile seeing your name on my phone."
"And then we can go on that date."
I'm not sure what to do.
It sounds like she's planning a backup to me.
I don't know what I did wrong.
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I mean, you can't bring it up in a good way.
It's wrong to snoop on your partner
and she's wrong for letting the guy act like that
without dismissing him.
Be honest, tell her what you're telling us.
She will be upset you did what you did,
but do not let her use that as a scapegoat for what she did.
(beep)
I agree with you.
And that's what I'm afraid she'll try to do.
She's significantly better at arguing than I am.
(beep)
There is no point of arguing.
Just state your point
and ask her why she lets a guy act like that to her.
If she can't give you a straight answer,
you should give her an ultimatum.
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Infidelity is worse than snooping.
Just look, and if there is anything going on,
then you know what to do.
But at the very least,
I'd be mentioning that I'm uncomfortable with his emojis
and things towards her.
(beep)
Just be honest.
Tell her that you saw those messages
and that it makes me really uncomfortable
if a guy is texting with her like that.
If the relationship is really that trusting
and she knows of your insecurities concerning cheating,
she'll probably understand.
By the way, is she texting back in the same manner?
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Not that I saw, but she's not much of an emoji user
even with me.
She very rarely puts emojis in a text between her and I.
She's almost too formal with most of her messages.
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Well, anyway, just tell her that you're uncomfortable.
She'll maybe get mad for looking through her phone,
but don't let that scare you and be persistent.
I don't see any other way.
(beep)
Okay, I have been here on both sides of the equation.
Everyone who comments here
will certainly tell you about red flags.
So, I think my story is unique-ish.
The most important thing
is decide how you want to approach it, stick to it,
and don't overdo it.
Don't push her to hard or you'll mess it up regardless.
I had a really close friend who I got along with super well.
My fiance, now wife, was jealous
because we flirted and chatted all the time.
The red flags in her head must've been waving like crazy.
It was harmless flirting.
In fact, a lot of it was because we worked together
and one of my colleagues started spreading rumors
that I was sleeping with my friend.
In the end, we got so fucked off with it
we just played along and made it our joke.
I was innocent,
but after the girl being brought up
so many times by my girlfriend, I got sick of it.
One day I noticed she had been through my Facebook,
which didn't matter, but she didn't ask.
Eventually my girlfriend asked me to see my messages
and, this is where it gets a bit crazy, I refused.
I refused because I thought,
"Fuck you, you're trying to find something
to validate your theory.
You'll twist things that are said.
If you don't trust me enough to believe what I say,
you won't believe my explanations."
Was that a stupid position to take?
Hell yes it was, and it nearly broke her heart.
But I was pushed into being super defensive
by the constant suspicion
and bringing up my friend in negative ways.
In the end, I let her see my phone.
We talked and talked and talked about it
and we worked it out.
Basically what I am saying here
is there's 1,000,001 scenarios that could make her innocent.
There's only one that really makes her guilty.
She's cheating.
It's not an easy situation to get out of winning.
I guess the first question for you is,
what do you consider cheating?
My wife would consider emotional stuff cheating.
So, flirting was a no, no for her.
I'm more flexible,
but draw the line at people
either actively trying to make it happen
or discussing it over texts, et cetera.
Sorry it's so long.
I just know the topic very well
and can discuss it and all the complexities to death.
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Thank you for your insight.
I really appreciate it.
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Not a problem, mate.
It's a shitty situation.
Push too much, and you'll drive them mad and they'll leave.
Don't push at all, and you'll drive yourself mad.
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Not the best advice,
but honestly I would just check her phone.
Better than obsessing over it.
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So when you say a month, you mean early September?
I didn't say anything bad, I just did it.
Who's black and white thinking now?
Who brought the psychic out?
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You must take a screenshot of all the evidence.
Even if she denies, you will have the proof of it.
And unfortunately, if she denies,
then there must be something going on.
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You don't 'cause you don't look at other people's phones.
If you don't trust them,
then obviously that's not the relationship to be in.
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If she's broken her boyfriend's trust
by jumping on another guy's junk
or at least swapping numbers at the wedding
and he's seeing affectionate names towards her
and lovey emojis from this dude after
and a lot of messages between them,
then that's cause to go looking
or at least confront her about it.
But at the same time,
she could deny it all and start deleting messages.
So, it's a difficult situation, really.
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