[Music]
kalispera salsa hi um so a small TED
talk about small talk the other day
after work in Oslo where I live I got on
my bike after work I bicycle through the
rain I got up to this hospital I went
inside the doors I went up the stairs
and I stopped outside a door inside of
this door was my grandmother she's like
a hundred and three yeah I'm the thing
is these days we're kind of losing her
now this is not the most dramatic of
deaths she's been senile for many years
it's time for her to go you know but I'm
standing outside the door and inside
this door is my father who's 80 and two
of his siblings they're like 75 76 and
I'm entering this room and I want to be
someone for these people I'm we're at a
very interesting place because you know
I'm gonna open this door and I'm gonna
try to somehow mean something to the
people that I love and care for who are
in there and of course this is a big
moment in all of our lives now my
instincts are telling me how to
communicate would your instincts be
telling you how to communicate yeah so
my instant might of course at the bottom
of me is this idea of like oh my god my
dear father you're 80 years old you've
had your mom your whole life how is this
gonna be for you what would it be like
if I worked in and kind of started like
that huh would be kind of a disaster so
the idea is in the biggest moments of
our lives why do we tend to turn to the
smallest of communication forms this is
why I wanted to talk to you for a short
while here today about how I find small
talk to actually maybe be a more
important part of our lives than we
sometimes think of I don't know if it's
like that down here
but where I come from in Norway people
tend to not just dislike small talk but
I mean like really hate small talk it
feels like sometimes when I speak to
people and I work with communication for
a living it feels like when people get
to the topic of small talk there's like
there's fire coming out of people's ears
you know there's it's like the plastic
of the ocean of communication in a way
and yes what we are longing for is the
big conversation and I will give that up
straight away definitely big talk deep
talk every researcher will tell you it
makes us more gratified it makes us
happier but and this is the interesting
interesting thing small talk actually
makes with us happier than we think even
with strangers
now I know I'm in Greece there's a lot
of small talk right yeah yeah yeah you
know it got me thinking even in the old
days I mean around 2500 years ago
you know at the acropole now I'm
thinking big talk right there was a lot
of big talk there must have been some
small talk to I don't know did they have
satsuki but back then did they chitchat
about anyway
so moving on back from Greece and back
to where we were the idea of small talk
they actually monitored even small talk
with strangers
there was this research study I don't
know if you heard about it in Chicago
and they researched commuters who were
going back and forth to work and they
asked them on beforehand you know so
you're about to get on the train you're
about to sit there alone for a while and
the idea is would you rather strike up a
conversation with a stranger or would
you prefer not to what do you think most
people answered not to write so super
scary to talk to strangers and
everything so this is the interesting
thing about this research then they
actually monitored the different
reactions and the different levels of I
guess dopamine and serotonin after the
passengers actually had struck up a
conversation with a stranger on the
train
and guess what people were reportedly
happier and of course we are out we once
you've done that little bit of like
with a stranger right you actually go
away if it's the right kind of
connection you go away feeling something
you feel somehow warmer at heart or I
guess more relaxed or something
don't you agree yeah so this is the idea
we tend to think we don't like small
talk but small talk has a lot of effects
on us and it actually creates stuff that
we might not be so aware of and this is
why I thought why not give it a whole
TED talk and talk about the value of
this form of conversation that we tend
to kind of disregard not think about not
dwell on or even not get good at now
it's possible also to get good at it I
will try and teach you how today this is
why I bought this I look like a school
teacher right now the idea of course is
that it can be taught and the techniques
are there but let me go there straight
away did you ever feel exposed to a
communication technique I've had this
happen many times in my life these are
the salespeople in our lives right sorry
if there's anyone selling out there the
people who are on the phone at least in
the old days it used to be yes good
afternoon madam could I speak to the
person in the house who deals with
whatever it was right and you feel
exposed to a communication technique now
I do communication skills for a living
and the first thing I need to tell you
if you're using a technique for God's
sake hide it right I need to feel like
I'm exposed to connection to a real
conversation so this leads me to the
point that communication it can be
taught I would also argue I can predict
very very few things about our futures
but I can predict one thing if we
communicate well our futures will go
better this isn't right bottom lining
which means we can learn communication
we just got to hide it if we're trying
out a technique and if you actually
attempt at showing up was a good version
of yourself in what
ever Shangri of communication you're in
low and behold reason to believe you
come at the other end and you will have
achieved the stuff that you want to
achieve whether it's the job interview
whether it's the the difficult
conversation with a friend that you've
fallen out with whether it's a if you're
working in some capacity with even sales
one of the biggest things you actually
need to learn according to the
researchers is Smalltalk we all know
this don't we the kind of social Bloo
that a good little chitchat stands for
before you go into important
conversation so in my life working also
very many times one-on-one with people
and coaching them in communication of
course one of the things I've come
across is the idea that if the
conversation gets really deep or
intimate or filled with emotion a lot of
us as people we shy away from those
conversations they feel they feel scary
we don't want to go into them even with
people we know and love you know you
feel that moment where you're like oh my
god my emotions are here and you're like
it becomes weird it becomes awkward I
think we could talk at length about why
it becomes so awkward and weird for us
but this is where it took me far too
long to realize in my coaching career oh
my god so this was me in the beginning
before I got this point so I'm at a
moment with my person I'm coaching and
I'm realizing oh my god were entering
too deep difficult territory and here's
me as a coach oh oh that's interesting
tell me more right and what is it what
happens to my coach II of course the
person is going oh my god she's going
weird it's getting weird the moment I
realized oh my god I've got to take care
of the situation I've got to make sure
that the other person feels it's not too
awkward how can I do that you guessed it
already here's me now small talking even
if I sense the conversation is going too
deep going too weird going to to a
vulnerable place I might snap out of it
for a second I might go back to whatever
they were having for dinner yesterday or
something else
pounding the situation that isn't so
deep and then we kind of stay there and
go and then we go back in right so
understanding the use of that I guess if
I'm right in my theories I've never
actually asked the clients I could of
course ask them but in the meantime the
client is probably feeling I guess in a
way held by me in a better way simply
because I'm managing and monitoring
where our conversations go between the
big talk and the small talk so that's
one way of doing it another story I
thought I might share with you this is a
true story from real life it's about 10
years ago and I have a friend I've
seriously fallen out with I haven't seen
her you talk about communication
coaching right I should be better at
this stuff I should know how to handle
this woman I didn't things have gotten
really weird we hadn't seen each other
for about a year we had friends in
common who were kind of struggling you
know what friends do when people fall
out with each other so they were kind of
like trying not to take sides and be
diplomats and be friends with us both
but it was a really horrible I thought
really hurt by this woman anyway guess
what happens
walking down the street who do I bump
into so right
how does my heart feel at this moment in
time it's going I'm like slow motion oh
my god it's her now odd thing is at this
particular day in my life I'd actually
been to a sports store I'm not very
sporty but like Norwegians go I like a
bit of cross-country skiing so in my
hands what do I have I meet this woman
I'm super nervous and I'm carrying a set
of skis that I've just fetched from the
shop do you know where I'm going with
this so what do we end up talking about
right skiing I should have filmed this
conversation we have like the most weird
and prickly kind of super superficial
conversation I'm also its team yes it's
snowing now isn't it oh yes won't that
be nice oh how long do you ski when you
do ski
do you ski but somewhere inside this was
the ice that melted and this was the
time when we became able to kind of go
underneath it all underneath that
informal banter there was like two women
standing opposite each other going hey
I'm okay you're okay it's gonna be okay
and we were on our way to peace so it
got me thinking you know what if we
could make like people who are enemies
these big Wars going on on the globe
what if we could make them sit down and
just not talk about the big stuff
what if we could force them to just
chitchat about skiing right the idea of
I think small talk also as a peacemaker
should not be underestimated and again
if I'm teaching you something about
communication today get aware like how
can you actually look at difficult
situations in your life and approach
them by going what type of communication
is needed here and sometimes the
analysis should be the question of
whether it's deep or whether it's
shallow whether it's big or whether it's
small another place I really see people
using a small talk definitely healthcare
personnel like the wonderful woman who
stood here before me or at before last
and people who are healthcare people you
know did you ever get into a really
really difficult
something operation or something that
you were gonna have done at a hospital
and you were kind of super scared yeah
and what is the nurse doing she or he
has been trained I promise you and
they're going so did you find a parking
space how'd you do we're doing the
chitchat again I think I don't have that
I don't have the measurements for this
but I do firmly believe that small talk
is a kamar it calms us down so small
talk it's not only about the content is
it it's very inmate very many ways is
not about the content it's about this
underlying current of like hey
everything's nice it's gonna be okay
things are not that difficult things are
not by dangerous I'm okay
you're okay another place where of
course I spend a lot of my time is in
the corporate world and any person who
works with negotiations or with
convincing other people or even will
sales with definitely tell you yeah what
do they do
they kind of some really really good
sales people I've met and interviewed
they will tell me it's all about the
small talk and if you turn up for a very
very important sales meeting or an
important you know if you're kind of
they're going oh oh I had the most
wonderful weekend I went swimming it's
the best thing I know I'm the other
person across the table goes oh I hate
swimming shall we start you know where
you are right you know more about what
the communication is gonna be like and
what it's not gonna be like so with this
little dance that we do this little
thing this little innocent not so
meaningful thing that we do with each
other before important conversations
take place actually does something to
them what very many salespeople for
instance will tell me if they're selling
something if they're selling a product I
don't know if any of you sell for a
living when you get to the idea of
actually the money I don't know if
you've had a meeting like this meetings
can be super nice and then suddenly it's
like and then it's the money and then
all of a sudden the atmosphere
completely changes and it's not so nice
anymore these very good salespeople that
I spoke to they all said that if there
had been small talk in the beginning
then the negotiations went better it's
like social glue social currency somehow
this isn't it okay so enough examples
the idea of where we use small talk and
how we use small talk what I hear here
in Greece is that you're really fond of
small talking with people you know
you're not so good at doing with
strangers so shall we talk a little bit
about doing it with strangers you have
no choice I'm about to talk about what
it's like to do it with strangers
because that's the worst isn't it and
that's when the technique things comes
in because we kind of all know what it's
like and we all know what we should be
doing so here's my
the rule number one I don't know if you
can all see this I'll say it out loud
afterwards
can you read it no I've written the
words look as though you liked it okay
so we're talking we're talking this is
like a skill drill here now we're
talking talking to strangers that we
don't know from beforehand we've
understood the importance now now okay
so here I am walking up to a stranger
what do I not want to be doing like
right so here's me saying thank you till
you make it because it's gonna feel
awkward we feel a bit weird around
people we don't know before the easiest
way of actually getting into
conversation is by signalling to them
non-verbally and everything hey it's
gonna be okay I'm okay you're okay right
so whatever you choose to talk about
first of all get the nonverbals right
breathe look at the person and smile
look as though you're about to enjoy
what is to take place and then the
famous art of the first ice broken the
first question what should it be
if we look to the kind of I will teach
you small talk books there's some very
generic and very good tips I like them
one of them is open questions now I
don't know if you like me I've been
teaching open questions for 20 years but
I do tend to not practice open questions
what I tend to do is I tend to open with
a very open question and then close it
myself so it goes like this so where do
you come from you come from Athens don't
you whoops and you've closed the
conversation so here's like a skill
drill a challenge for all of you really
really bear in mind your skills as
question askers questions is like the
magic components of any conversation
questions will lead to creativity
questions will lead you where you want
to go statements actually close and dull
down any conversation so get good at
open questions but if it's too weird for
even that there's another very good
suggestion in the in the books that you
might read and it goes talk about the
third thing what do we mean by that so
if I'm standing here with a stranger
there's
some kind of third component which is
very easily accessible to both of us
that we can talk about it can be the
last speaker it can be the weather
this is why we end up talking about the
weather the whole time it can be you
know in the days when Donald Trump was
elected small talk with strangers was
very easy or sadly when David Bowie died
right these were days when you suddenly
in elevators going oh my god can you
believe it
an old connection is there all ice has
been broken so look as though you like
it open questions and the third thing
third element the last one we like to
call play tennis you know the game of
tennis what does this mean what does it
not mean it basically means if you're in
a conversation with the stranger and it
feels probably awkward for both of you
make sure you play tennis and make sure
when you get the ball you throw it back
over the net did you ever meet a small
talker I didn't play tennis it goes like
this so where do you come from
I come from Athens
okay I'll get the ball I'll go back over
the net I'll try again
Oh asin's that's interesting whereabouts
in the city well you wouldn't know this
is where even I would go for okay I'm
leaving small talk becomes much better
if you take make sure you take
responsibility for going over the net
every time okay
so what did I do with my grandmother's
going into the hospital room of course I
turned around to my father to my dear
uncle an aunt and I small talked thank
you very much guys
[Applause]