From an early age, having a deep connection (also called “secure attachment”) with a
person we can blindly trust (generally our mother or whoever takes care of us)
is very important for our personal development. If we have somebody in our life whom we can
always count on, we will be more inclined to let ourselves go and explore the outside world because
we know that there will always be a secure base to which we can return. However, if this person
is missing in our life, or in any case where the attachment with them is not so strong,
we will be afraid to let ourselves go and explore what is outside our comfort zone because we do
not know if we would ever be able to go back. According to John Bowlby's attachment theory,
a child needs to develop a strong relationship with at least one person who cares for him from
an early age in order to be able to have good emotional and social development.
Growing up, people who had a secure attachment as a child tend to have more trust in others,
tend to connect better with other people, and consequently
tend to be more successful in the activities they undertake.
Inversely, those who did not have this attachment tend to not trust others,
are unsure how to interact well with others, and have problems forming relationships.
Based on the Adult Attachment Interview developed by the American psychologist Mary Main,
in which the interviewees are analyzed by investigating their childhood
and then classifying them according to their attachment during childhood,
we reached the conclusion that in adults there is one secure type of attachment and three types
of insecure attachments: Anxious-Ambivalent , Anxious-Avoidant, and Anxious-Disorganized.
Let's analyze these 4 profiles with a simple example.
Mr. and Mrs. Brown are happily married and have four children.
Mr. and Mrs. Brown are fantastic parents who dedicate the right amount of time to
their children, they listen to them, they look after them, and they support them.
However, one day Mr. Brown suddenly passes away and Mrs. Brown is left alone with the
responsibility of raising their four children. Life is now very hard for Mrs. Brown, who works
all day and at the same time is committed to raising her children, a truly arduous task.
Laura is 8 years old. She is strong and this situation does not particularly affect her:
she knows that her mother will always be there for her and she has a secure attachment to her.
Laura will then grow up strong and optimistic, with a positive image of herself, and with no
problem interacting with the outside world. Jenny, on the other hand, is younger and
is experiencing many difficulties with the situation that has arisen.
Jenny is anxious about the relationship with her mother, who now has less time to dedicate to her.
To attract the attention of her mother, Jenny often has to scream,
and once she gets the attention she was looking for, she reacts in an ambivalent way
and does not clearly show her feelings. Growing up, Jenny has problems in
relationships with her peers, who consider her unpredictable and moody, and she also
does not have a good image of herself. Her attachment is Anxious-Ambivalent.
Frank is only 3 years old and spends his days with his uncle George, who loves him and looks
after him but is convinced that in order to raise a child correctly one must be extremely strict,
and every time Frank screams or makes too much noise while playing, he gets yelled at or is
punished. Over time, Frank begins to be afraid to express his feelings and to avoid being punished
he often keeps them to himself. Becoming an adult, Frank carries on this behavior and develops
problems relating to others, has a negative image of himself, and lives in fear of making mistakes.
His attachment is Anxious-Avoidant. Finally, Lucas, the youngest, is only
1 year old and when his father died, he got sent to the nursery to be looked after by specialists.
However, the staff members of the nursery are not very good.
They work long hours, they are stressed, and their behavior with children often becomes abusive.
Lucas grows anxious feeling that he cannot trust even the people he expects to receive comfort and
safety from. He grows up numb and insecure and as an adult tries to avoid any social relationship.
He develops low self-esteem and believes that he will never find a person who can
love him. His attachment is Anxious-Disorganized. Mary Ainswort, Canadian psychologist and Bowlby's
collaborator, elaborated an experimental situation called "Strange Situation" to determine which type
of attachment between a child and a mother (or whoever raised the kid). Thanks to this
experiment, it is possible to understand the type of attachment of a person already in childhood.
What does this experiment consist of? First, the child is allowed to play alone in a room
with his mother. Shortly after, a stranger enters the room and initially sits quietly,
then starts talking to the mother and subsequently starts involving the kid in some games.
Then the mother leaves the child alone with the stranger. After a few minutes,
the mother returns to the room and the stranger leaves.
Finally, the mother leaves the room again, this time leaving the child alone.
After a while, the mother returns to the room. This is the key moment: children with a secure
attachment generally hug their mothers, calm down, and go back to playing. Babies with insecure
attachment, whether ambivalent or avoidant, often don't stop crying and refuse to continue playing.
The long-term effects that the first years of childhood have on a person are well known and
documented; the first years of a person's life are very important and can influence
our self-esteem and ability to relate to others. Even for the rest of our life.
That said, even those who have had the misfortune of not having a secure attachment from an
early age will still be able to overcome their insecurities, anxieties, and fear in adulthood
by working on them, so if you feel down after watching this video as you identify yourself in
one of the 3 categories of insecure attachments, rest assured that you are not the only one who
has had these difficulties, so do not give up and do your best to make your life fabulous!
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