You know what's the worst...
is when you're getting drunk on a plane,
which...it's the only way I fly because I get the "anxiety"
and I'm sitting there and they call for a doctor.
And it's funny because this last time it happened
they were like is there a doctor on the flight?
And the guy behind me stood up, even with the seatbelt
sign on, and said, "ain't no doctors flying Spirit, bro!"
And I had to put my helmet down because I said
well this is the only airline I can afford with my loans.
And at this point I've had three to four
of those little scotches mixed with some ice
in one of those little plastic cups which I had to pay
six dollars a drink for because it's frickin' Spirit.
And I'm like please don't call me, please don't call me,
head down like, literally if you could raise your hand
and then do the opposite of it, put it down in your pants,
that's what I did because I'm like I don't need this now.
The good news is, anytime anyone ever calls
for a doctor on a flight, two things happen.
The first thing is, a black woman stands up and says
I'm a doctor let me help, and they don't believe her.
And then she has to sit down again
and write about it on Twitter.
The second thing that happens is
a psychiatrist raises their hand.
(laughs)
I'm a doctor, I can help.
It's like (beep) this person has had a syncopal event
which is like one of the number one things that happen,
what are you gonna do, ask them about their childhood?
Oh, so your mother syncopized a lot did she?
Is that what happened?
Really, you're gonna step forward "doctor?"
"Doctor" psychiatrist, you're gonna help on a plane?
But at this point it happened and I'm like
yes that's a doctor, that's a real doctor,
that's a real doctor, don't say anything Vader.
Do not ridicule their care.
And of course, she's basically asking this patient,
so tell me about your childhood,
and the patient is trying to die.
And at this point I can't be quiet because I took an oath
not to do harm, even though I killed all those Jedi
in the temple, but that's another subject.
So now at this point I have to get up.
It's like a walk of shame to the back where this 92 year old
guy is sprawled out, there's a little green vomitus.
And then so I'm fumbling, I'm fumbling everywhere
with this so called "med kit" they have.
It's basically like a 17 gauge IV.
How do you even get, where does "17" gauge come from?
It's like they made this (beep) up.
And then a stethoscope that looks like it came
from Doc McStuffins' tool bag in the toy store.
And I'm trying to listen and the jets are going
(imitating jet sounds) and in the middle of that
they're like, if you'd like to sign up for frequent
flier miles, perhaps you should... I'm like
shut the (beep) up, Fred is dying.
I'm need to listen to his death heart.
This guy is 92, I don't need to take a history.
I'm looking at this, he's a dead man.
So I stand up and I say everybody,
I'm a doctor, Fred is gonna be just fine.
Then I get on the horn to the pilot and I say
this is dead man here, you do not turn this plane
around to Fort Lauderdale, okay?
I have the death sentence on 12 systems.
That is one of them, I can not go back there.
I need to get to Cancun to meet
Ghost Padme for our spring break.
We're already at 36,000 feet, that's 36,000 feet
closer to heaven, Fred's on his way up, let him go.
Do not turn this plane around.
And then I turn to Fred's wife and I say
"He's gonna live (beep)."
And so there I am, I get up, I save the day,
I let Fred die, we don't divert the plane,
and they're like Vader you've done great.
Is there anything we can do to repay you?
And I'm like yes, give me that intercom.
Hello this is your doctor speaking.
Fred is not doing well, so I'm going to need everyone
on this flight, and I mean everyone, even that little
infant in row three, to sing with me Kansas'
"Carry On My Wayward Son" as an appropriate tribute.
♪ Carry on my wayward son ♪
♪ For there'll be peace when you are done ♪
♪ Land this plane in Cancun now ♪
♪ Don't divert no more ♪
(mouth guitar noises)