Mark, I want to talk to you about your feelings and about this relationship. See, I've been
feeling really disconnected during sex, so I want to know how you're feeling. Like are
you feeling disconnected?
I guess?
I guess? What is that supposed to mean? You either are or you aren't and another thing,
when you get home from work, it's like you don't even want to talk to me and that really
upsets me.
I'm just like, I don't know. I'm really tired.
Yeah, but are you feeling disconnected? I mean like how would you feel if I was just
too busy every time you wanted love.
Babe, I can't talk about this right now. Can we talk about this tomorrow?
No, we're not going to talk about it tomorrow. We're going to talk about it right now. Just
tell me how you're feeling.
I can't deal with this right now. All right, I'm going to bed.
No, can you just talk to me right now. I mean tell me how you're feeling.
Just leave me alone,I can't deal with this hysteria.
Do you not care about this relationship at all. I mean, I guess I know you don't. You
don't give a shit.
Hands up if you're a little bit familiar with that situation, put your hands up right now.
If you've experienced that or anything like that, you'll know how difficult it can be
to get a guy to get a man to share his frickin feelings. Well, it's okay. Mark is here for
you today. I'm talking about how to help him share his feelings. Stay tuned.
[Music]
How do you help him open up and share his frickin feelings? That's what we're talking
about today and in today's video, I'm going to show you the principles to help you have
this conversation with a man and to work in with his male brain and share his feelings.
But first I just want to talk briefly about why is it that men seem to suck so much so
often at sharing their feelings? Well, there's a few factors playing a part here. The first
is evolutionary, and when a man was leading a tribe for the last tens hundreds of thousands
of years, he learned that if he showed certain emotions, his tribe would start to lose faith
in him. So if he shows things like doubt, anxiety, worry, crying, a lot of these emotions
actually had negative effects on his social interactions and his ability to lead a tribe.
Leaders we're expected to be strong, they're expected to know where things were at to make
confident decisions and things like doubt, insecurity we're better off being kept inside.
So the male brain, over many thousands of years learn this as a bit of a habit. But
all this gets reinforced by the way men are raised and the practice they get growing up,
a lot of men's fathers, particularly old school fathers, tell men that, "Hey, it's not manly
to share emotions. Only girls cry." You know, a boy gets bullied and they say, "Man up,
don't be sad." So men in a lot of cases are trained out of these emotions and that is
exemplified further when they don't have these conversations with their mates growing up.
You see women with their girlfriends yourself. You're probably used to chatting with your
friends about your feelings, about how you feel about things and you work through a conversation
with them and come to a conclusion on what to do based on your feelings. Men don't really
have those conversations.
A lot of men are horribly out of practice when it comes to describing their feelings,
so not only are man evolutionarily wired against it, but they tend to get discouraged from
doing it growing up and then don't get much practice. The results is men get very bad
at switching between the left and right sides of their brain. I remember having a conversation
with a former girlfriend of mine and I asked her "When were you most attracted to me?"
And she said it was on our holiday together and I never realized why this was, I didn't
at the time, but I do now because men have this difficulty in switching between feelings
and analytical sides of their brain. It's on a holiday and you've probably noticed this
yourself, that men are most able to relax and stay in that feeling side of their brain.
And this is why, especially after they get home from work, a lot of men struggle to immediately
talk about feelings because they're not in that side of their brain and they're not very
practiced at transitioning.
And of course, this is only exemplified if he's had previous emotional trauma. So if
he's lost a loved one, if he's had a bad previous relationship experience or several bad experiences,
all these are going to contribute to him wanting to be even less open with his feelings. The
one other thing you have to consider is the male ego. Men hate feeling incompetent. And
this again comes from an evolutionary background and it comes from a background of him wanting
to feel capable as a man. And the fact is in conversations about feelings, you are going
to run him around the park. You're going to have three rebuttals for everything he says.
You're going to know exactly how you feel and you're going to be able to instantly access
that. And he's going to be stumbling around the feelings field completely blind, not knowing
how to respond and feeling incompetent. And eventually it makes him want to run the hell
away as we demonstrated in that first clip.
So how do you help him with all these factors open up and share his feelings because these
are all reasons, but they're, again, not excuses? They're not reasons that a man can't learn
to open up and share his feelings, but they're just reasons for you to be considerate and
have the conversation in the right way, at the right time, taking into account the way
his brain works. How do you help him open up? Well, the first thing you want to do is
you don't want to bombard him. When you're having these conversations, you want to make
sure that you make a point and then you leave it with him. The temptation will be for you
to jump in because you're so good at these conversations. And to make three more points
in the time where he said only one thing.
So say something and then consciously let it sit. Let it sit, listen to him, hear him
out hear at what he says and give him plenty of time to process. This is a, it takes a
lot of processing power for a man and hear his response before you jump in with your
next point. Number two, have a purpose in mind when you start the conversation and come
to the man with that purpose. You see, when women work through problems together, they
tend to hash out the problem as they go. They tend to see how they feel and they don't come
into the conversation with a specific outcome in mind. They sort of come to one as the conversation
flows on. Men aren't so good with this type of conversation. Men are very goal-driven,
whereas women are more process-driven and if you want men to be more open to this conversation,
then you want to make the conversation a more goal-driven type of talk.
So come at him with a couple of problems in mind that he can help you solve. When he has
an outcome to work towards, it's going to fit his brain a lot better than if you want
to have an open conversation with no purpose. Number three is don't let him relieve himself
through sex. So because a lot of men struggle to share their emotions struggle to open up.
One way to relieve that tension, at least physically, is to have sex. If you find your
man coming at you and he's particularly stressed and seems a bit distant, but then he wants
to have sex, that's probably a sign that he's looking to relieve his emotions through sex.
Let him know, make him aware of it, and then hold him there, be physical with him and encourage
him to verbally open up when he feels comfortable in his own space, it's going to be a lot more
healthy for him than just relieving some of his tension through sex.
Number four, and this is a really powerful way to help men with their feelings, is be
willing to rain check. A lot of women come at men wanting answers, right there, wanting,
wanting something to happen right there to have a talk right there. And if you catch
a guy out, he's not gonna want to do that and he's going to be uncomfortable with the
conversation because again, he knows he can't keep up with you. So when you allow a guy
to rain check, you say, look, have a think about this. I want to know how you feel. Can
you let me know how you feel? Yup. Okay, we'll chat about this tomorrow. When a guy's able
to go away and process that makes him feel more competent because you're not running
him around the park. He can go away in his own time and come back to you with an answer.
Number five, be physical. So touch him, look after him physically. When you're physical
with him and you're encouraging him through touch and sensation, he's going to feel more
comfortable and more loved and accepted as opposed to if you're standing at a distance.
Remember, he wants to feel, he does want to feel connected to you. He just doesn't want
to feel completely overwhelmed by you. So when you're touching him and reassuring him,
it's going to make him feel more comfortable in the conversation. And number six is avoid
having the conversation late at night. You've probably experienced the scenario where you
want to talk about something. So you roll over at 11:00 PM in bed and you say, "Hey
honey, I want to know how you feel about this." And the only response you get is a big groan
and him not wanting to talk about them. You have to remember, empathize with the fact
that this conversation takes a hell of a lot of processing power for most men.
It's like him coming to you with a hugely analytical problem that you're not in the
head space for that time of night. You just don't want to deal with it then. Right? It's
the same with him and conversations about feelings. Now if he's avoiding the conversation
altogether at all different times of the day, that's another story and that's something
else you have to deal with. But avoiding having the conversation late at night considers him
and the way he processes and is going to make the conversations are for him a lot more reasonable.
Now let's have a look at these principles applied in conversation.
Hey Mark, can I get your help with a couple of things?
Yeah, sure.
It's just, um, lately I've been feeling a bit disconnected during sex, so it's really
important for me to just understand how you feel about it all because obviously I want
us to have like the best sex ever. So, um, it's just really important for me to know
how you're feeling about it all. So you don't have to answer right now, but maybe if you
could just have a think about it and kind of like let me know like I'd really appreciate
that.
Yeah, that, that's cool. Yeah. Let me have a think and I'll let you know. Um, was there
another thing or,
yeah. Um, it's when you get home from work, see I guess I've been doing my own thing all
day and I get really excited to see you after work when you get home. Um, but sometimes
you just seem really disinterested. So I was wondering, I guess like how you feel when
you get home from work.
[inaudible]
I guess. I guess I feel like really pressured. Like you want to talk heaps and I just want
to turn my brain off for a bit.
Okay. So what can I do to make you feel less, I guess like bombarded and pressured. Um,
whilst also still feeling appreciated.
Maybe like when I get home we like kissing stuff, but then I just take say 30 minutes
time just to myself just to unwind and stop thinking about the day and stuff? And like,
we can do stuff after that.
All right. How about this then I give you a full hour. You does take the whole time,
relax, unwind, do whatever you need to do in that time. Um, and then after that we have
like half an hour where it's just us time. Does that sound good?
Yeah. Actually. Yeah, I think that'd be really good. Yeah.
Okay. And you'll let me know about the sex thing. Yeah, I'll let you know about that.
I'll have a think. Okay. Sounds good.
Well that's it. That's how to have the conversation and that's how to help a guy share his feelings.
Now make sure you watch the video as well on emotionally unavailable partners. We publish
that a few days ago. And in that video, I've got a few of the concepts that will help you
handle this type upon if some of these strategies aren't working for you and you need to take
it to the next level. That's the video. Thank you so much for watching. I hope you enjoyed.
Leave your thoughts, questions, comments, everything below. Give the video a thumbs
up. Don't forget to subscribe by hitting the little bell. As always, tell your friends
about the channel and I shall see you on the next video very soon.
My lips too shiny. Oh, that's like the little bit on top. It got out of my feelings conversation.
You don't give a shit. Can't hit Mark. Pause Mark
[inaudible].