Zero Sum Game
You've most likely heard me
talk about the zero-sum game
as being one of the most dangerous social strategies,
also the way to ruin a relationship completely.
But do you actually know what a zero-sum game is?
Today I'm going to unpack the concept
of the zero-sum game,
so that you fully understand it.
A zero-sum game
is a scenario in which
one person's gain is another person's loss.
It's essentially win - lose.
Now by definition, seeing this,
you can see that it would set up a social dynamic
that is antagonistic by nature.
Not only that,
it implies a conviction to the idea
that resources are finite and limited.
What this does is it makes it so that people stop functioning
in a cooperative way
and instead,
they begin to function in a competitive way.
This creates danger in the social sphere.
What it creates is a person that can't take
somebody else's best interest as a part of their own best interest
so they begin to act selfishly.
In fact other people's best interest,
including needs desires and preferences,
are viewed as a competitive threat.
So you can understand the zero-sum game better,
I have a few examples for you:
1. A toddler sitting in a highchair;
He says: "I'm not hungry."
his mom will not accept this.
He won't accept that this is in his best interests.
Thus she rejects his truth
and shoves a spoon of food in his mouth
or makes him sit there until he finishes it all.
If he does, she wins and he loses.
An employee demands a certain salary
even though this is not in the best interest of the company at all.
He says: "Pay me this or I quit."
A father decides he is uninterested
in facing his personal insecurities
and therefore begins to focus on one of his sons being his problem.
He turns his son into the scapegoat of the family.
He designates his other son as the one who he loves and identifies with.
This son has to let go of his identity
to stay on his father's good side.
He turns this son into the golden child of the family.
He is in fact playing a zero-sum game
with both of his sons.
A couple is having problems with their sex life,
the man wants more sex
and the wife isn't interested in it.
If the man demands more or else he will cheat,
he is playing a zero-sum game with her.
If the wife says no
and he'll just have to deal with it,
she's playing a zero-sum game with him.
5. A conversation takes place
between two politicians who are in conflict,
they enter the conversation
completely focused on debating to win the argument
and win support of the observers.
They're not interested in considering each other's perspective.
They are both interested only in their own best interests,
which is why they're interested in winning the debate.
they are playing a zero-sum game with each other.
A person is hungry
and therefore hunts and shoots an animal for food.
Two opponents square off at a sports game.
There will be one winner and one loser.
This is a zero-sum game.
But what sets this zero-sum game apart,
is that both have consented to potentially losing.
Neither person has been forced into a situation
where they have to fight to win.
Both are consciously engaging in the zero-sum game
for mutual best interests.
Such as the improvement
or expansion of their craft.
Or the mutual opportunity
to add to one's personal achievement record.
The zero-sum game is the hallmark
of dysfunctional relationships.
Any type of social group
will develop zero-sum games
if they're in a dysfunctional state.
This doesn't just include partnerships,
this also includes company dynamics
and most especially,
probably most importantly,
family dynamics.
In a dysfunctional family
what sets the stage for everything
is the zero-sum game.
The law of the land in a dysfunctional family unit is:
"Every man for himself."
The reason that it's hard to recognize this
is because people develop all kinds of different strategies
in order to meet their needs.
For their own self-centered interests,
in this type of a family dynamic
where the law of the land is:
"Every man for himself."
For example, one person may turn into a dictator
and start punishing people
when they don't cater to his or her every whim.
Another might begin to self-sacrifice entirely
as an attempt to see themselves as saintly.
But the thing is,
is that the strategies that people pick
for their narcissistic endeavor in a dysfunctional family unit,
becomes a lose-lose for everyone involved.
For example,
if the person becomes a dictator
they win by getting their needs met,
but the people around them lose by having to conform or face consequences.
The person who becomes a self-sacrificer
will get their self-esteem,
but will have to set someone in the household up as the "bad one"
in order to keep that identity.
In situations where a zero-sum game is being played,
there's usually a very poor understanding
or respect for boundaries.
But that being said,
most people have no idea what I mean when I say boundaries.
They're thinking of a fence.
When I say boundaries, most people are only thinking in terms of "NO".
So you can understand boundaries more in depth,
I want you to watch my video called:
Personal Boundaries vs. Oneness (How to Develop Healthy Boundaries)
Part of what comes along with personal boundaries
is personal best interests.
Now, why would we be concerned with personal best interests
when we're talking about
any of this subject?
Because,
the definition of trust;
To trust something
is to rely upon it to capitalize
upon your best interests.
Essentially trust happens when somebody
takes another person's best interests as part of their own.
And by definition
this creates a win-win scenario.
So you can see that by definition
a zero-sum game destroys trust.
Trust and love are the most important things
to develop in a relationship.
Now this is like, I'm saying the same thing
that everyone has ever said about relationships before
but here's the thing, most people have no frickin clue
what trust is and what love actually is.
So what I mean to say is,
what love actually is and what trust actually is,
is the most important thing to fill in a relationship.
The zero-sum game
is absent of both.
And this becomes a gas light.
A gas light is, you didn't see what you saw,
you didn't hear what you heard,
you didn't feel what you felt.
It's basically when you know
the truth of something is one way,
but everyone's saying it isn't.
Now in a dysfunctional family unit
where the zero-sum game is played or a dysfunctional relationship,
people are likely to say:
I love you so much and you can trust me.
But let me assure you that there is no actual love
and no actual trust
present or possible
in this type of relationship.
It is by definition an unsafe relationship.
to understand more about trust and love,
watch my videos titled:
What is Love?
& How to Have a Safe Relationship?
There may be situations in life
where it is not possible to find a win-win scenario,
the way you're thinking about it.
When this is the case,
the focus of both people becomes about the incompatibility.
The way to keep a relationship safe
when incompatibility exists,
is now the two people who are involved in the situation,
decide together what to do
about that incompatibility.
They still take each other's best interests
as a part of their own,
but both look for the closest win-win scenario they can,
given the incompatibility.
For example if there's no win-win way
for a couple to stay together,
the win-win becomes about the highest and best way
to part ways for both of them.
People who have learned to play
zero-sum games in relationships
are often the worst at looking at incompatibility.
They refuse to accept incompatibility.
Even if being in the relationship
is destroying the other person.
They're playing and I win you lose game, right?
So they don't really care whether the other person
actually is an alignment with their best interests
in terms of staying in the relationship.
For this reason,
it is critical for you to understand
and accept incompatibility in relationships
and learn what to do about it.
For this reason, I urge you to watch my video
that's titled:
Incompatibility (A Harsh Reality in Relationships)
In order to end a zero-sum game
in any relationship,
your need for peace,
connection and mutual happiness
actually has to be higher
than any other need that you're currently fighting for
within that relationship.
Of course this is easier said than done for most people,
because they haven't really chosen
that what they want above everything
is healthy and safe feeling relationships.
Why we blame them;
because they've grown up in a world and in a society,
and they've grown up in families,
they've grown up in other relationships beyond their family
that teach them that if they don't fend for themselves,
no one else will.
It's very hard to let go of a:
"Thinking about myself and my own needs" strategy,
when it doesn't feel like anyone else is gonna look out for them.
Now the one exception to this
rule that I'm giving you,
that your need for connection
and your need for mutual happiness,
your need for that closeness
has got to be greater than other needs,
is with triangulation.
When somebody is triangulating,
the specific need they're trying to meet,
quite literally is connection.
However,
they're creating that connection
and that sense of closeness and security in the relationship
By creating a zero-sum game
against someone else.
The very worst thing about a zero-sum game
is it locks you into one yourself.
Even if you don't want to be playing one.
It puts you in a lose-lose.
And here's how;
If somebody begins to play a zero-sum game with you,
if you don't fight for your best interests,
you lose.
If you do...
Not only does that destroy the relationship
with the person you're playing the zero-sum game against,
it's also a guarantee that even if you do win,
you'll get hurt.
Integration is the end of the zero-sum game.
In a state of integration,
what you're doing is you're taking the other person
as a part of yourself.
You're taking their best interest as a part of yourself
Therefore, you can't hurt them
without hurting yourself.
Also to the flip side,
you can't hurt yourself without hurting them. Can you?
So what this creates is,
you're not going to self-sacrifice
and you're also not going to bulldoze their best interests.
You're going to commit together in all scenarios
to find the highest and best win-win in any scenario.
The second thing to do to end the zero-sum game,
is holding both love and trust
(what they really are)
as the pillars that you build your relationships between.
There is a space between any two entities,
the space we could call "us".
This space is in fact
where a relationship develops.
And that relationship can be treated like a third entity
in the relationship itself.
Like a child.
All relationships
must be treated as if it is a child.
Anytime you are playing a zero-sum game,
you are in fact destroying that third entity,
the relationship itself.
You might as well be starving a child to death
or abusing it.
The win-win scenario
is what strengths this child
that we could call the "US"
or the relationship itself.
I also need to remind you
that even if you do "end a relationship"
you're still in a relationship with that person.
It's just a differently configured one.
The reason is that this person didn't cease to exist,
in the universe,
the second that you stopped having a relationship with them.
Therefore there still needs to be a commitment to the win-win scenario
There still needs to be a commitment to the safe relationship.
Even though you've decided that what's safe or good
for both of your best interest,
is not to be with each other anymore.
For example,
you're now ex partners instead of partners.
So there's still a third entity to take care of.
The zero-sum game
should never begin if you break up, so to speak.
The commitment still needs to be to the highest and best win-win
that can be found.
A win-win scenario,
is the third element
or the third option
within any scenario.
Our commitment needs to be to this third element.
Now finding this third element
is very different than compromise in a relationship.
For those of us that are interested in healthy relationships,
compromise is in fact a dirty word,
you might as well be swearing.
A compromise is by definition
an agreement or a settlement of a dispute
that is reached by each side making concessions.
Concessions implies giving something up
that you don't want to give up.
Therefore what people are really saying
when they're compromising is:
"I'll take a little pain and you take a little pain."
The thing you've gotta understand about humans
is that people can't actually do this.
Most people aren't aware they can't actually do this,
it's just, they compromise and then down the road
they're still feeling resentful.
The reason is that if you give up something
you don't want to give up and it causes you pain,
that pain causes you to feel "bad blood"
or negatively towards the other person,
who you've compromised for.
It's a way to set your relationships ups for failure.
In a true win-win,
even if you end up giving something up,
the giving up of that thing won't in fact cause you pain.
In fact it won't feel like you're making a concession.
It will feel like you found something that's also a:
"Yeah, that alternative is also good for me."
The zero-sum game
is not really a relationship.
It is I, me and mine.
Now you can't actually do this in a relationship.
Why? Because you have to accept
that if you are going to stand
squarely on the side of me, mine and I,
i.e. playing a zero-sum game,
You run the very real risk
of actually losing that relationship.
Now, this is something
that so many people in relationships
have had to find out the hard way.
This is something that companies have had to find out the hard way.
So many marriages end because of this.
So many business partnerships dissolve
because of this
and so many parents lose their children
once they become adults,
because of this.
These parents
spend the formative years
with their children,
playing zero-sum games with their children.
Of course, they're not conscious of it,
they just call it parenting.
It's what their parents did to them.
They spent those formative years
subconsciously putting these children in the position to lose,
but to Gaslight them by saying:
"It's good discipline."
"I'm doing this for your own good."
"everything I've ever done was for you." and "I love you so much."
If you can't see your child as a person,
a person with boundaries,
meaning personal needs,
personal feelings, personal desires,
personal best interests,
and work with those,
instead of just making the decisions for them,
you are playing a zero-sum game with your children.
In any relationship,
there can be no true winner when there is a loser.
There is only strength in the relationship
if there is mutual benefit in it.
As so many people who have lost relationships
have found out the hard way.
The time has come on this planet
for human beings to end the zero-sum game
with everything in existence.
With themselves,
with the world itself,
with other species...
Thing is in a relationship,
if one person wins and another loses
or one being wins and another loses,
both of them ultimately lose.
The great history of wars on this planet
should perhaps be the greatest teacher of this concept.
Have a good week.
Subtitles by: Tanya Duarte www.tanyaduarte.com