♪ ♪ ♪ YOU KNOW, I SPEND A LOT OF TIME
PORING OVER THE DAY'S MOST EXQUISITE NEWS FLORA, LOVINGLY
ARRANGING THE BIGGEST STORY BLOSSOMS IN NEAT ROWS, TRIMMING
THE HEDGES INTO ELABORATE DESIGNS, AND PLACING THE NUDE
MARBLE STATUES AT JUST THE RIGHT ANGLES TO CRAFT YOU THE LOUIS
QUATORZE-ESQUE GARDEN OF NEWS THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE.
BUT SOMETIMES, SOMETIMES I LIKE TO DRAG OUT A RUSTY, TETANUS-
RIDDLED SWING SET, SOME DERELICT CARNIE GAMES, AND A BUSTED OUT,
UNREGULATED TILT-AWHIRL, TO CREATE THE "SCOOBY-DOO"
SOMETIMES I DON'T GET THE WORD OUT OF MY MOUTH.
WHO CARES.
"QUARANTINE-WHILE!" YOU ONLY GET THAT WITH A LIVE
SHOW.
>> THAT'S RIGHT.
QUARANTINE-WHILE, "A MAN IN TEXAS BUILT A CANDY-SHOOTING
CANNON AND A ROBOT TO KEEP TRICK OR TREATING ALIVE."
BECAUSE AS A PARENT, YOU SHOULD AND WE ACTUALLY HAVE VIDEO OF
THE CANNON AT WORK.
>> ONE, TWO, THREE.
>> Stephen: OKAY, THAT'S JUST FAMILY FUN.
IT'S LIKE I ALWAYS SAY, IT'S NOT HALLOWEEN UNTIL SOMEONE GETS
BLINDED BY MIKE AND IKE SHRAPNEL.
QUARANTINE-WHILE, ARCHAEOLOGISTS IN EGYPT HAVE UNEARTHED AT LEAST
59 ANCIENT COFFINS, ONE CONTAINING THE PRISTINE MUMMY OF
AN ANCIENT PRIEST MORE THAN 2,600 YEARS SINCE THEY WERE
BURIED.
ALSO, A SEALED DOOR WAS UNEARTHED WHERE IT IS EXPECTED
MORE MUMMIES MAY LIE YOU KNOW WHAT?
LET'S MAYBE NOT OPEN THE ANCIENT MUMMY DOOR.
WE'VE ALREADY GOT THE PLAGUE, HOW ABOUT WE SAVE A COUPLE
CURSES FOR 2021?
HUH?
QUARANTINE-WHILE, M.I.T.
RESEARCHERS ARE ABOUT TO START BUILDING A "NUCLEAR FUSION
REACTOR THEY SAY IS "VERY LIKELY TO WORK."
LET ME STOP YOU RIGHT THERE.
YOU'RE GONNA BE MELTING ATOMS TOGETHER AT TENS OF MILLIONS OF
DEGREES TO MAKE THE SAME ENERGY THAT POWERS THE SUN.
SO, WE'RE GONNA NEED YOU TO BE A LITTLE MORE SURE OF THIS THAN MY
COUSIN SEEING IF HE CAN STOMP ON HIS KIDS' TEETER TOTTER TO GET
HIS KEG ONTO THE ROOF.
IN PEER-REVIEWED PAPERS PUBLISHED IN THE JOURNAL OF
PLASMA PHYSICS, OR JUH-PUH-PUH, RESEARCHERS ARGUE THAT IF THE
REACTOR DOES WORK, IT WILL "PRODUCE AS MUCH AS TEN TIMES
THE ENERGY IT CONSUMES."
DON'T NEED IT.
ANYONE CURRENTLY LOCKED DOWN WITH SMALL CHILDREN WILL TELL
YOU WE ALREADY HAVE THAT TECHNOLOGY.
HIS NAME IS BRYAN.
QUARANTINE-WHILE, YOU MAY HAVE HEARD THAT SOAP OPERAS HAVE HAD
TO ADJUST HOW THEY HANDLE LOVE SCENES DURING THE PANDEMIC.
NOW VIDEOS ARE GOING VIRAL OF ACTORS STRUGGLING NOT TO LAUGH
AS THEY HAVE TO MAKE OUT WITH WHAT ARE CLEARLY MANNEQUINS.
♪ ♪ ♪ GOSH, TRY TO GET TO SECOND BASE
WITH A TACKLING DUMMY!
YOU'RE NOT FOOLING ANYONE, JUST LEAN INTO IT.
"ANGELA... YOU WERE A MANNEQUIN THIS WHOLE TIME?!
IS THAT HOW YOU GOT AMNESIA AND TERM NIGHTS.
WE'LL BE BACK WITH A PERFORMANCE BY FUTURE ISLANDS.
ANGELA, TALK TO ME!