-Welcome, welcome, welcome to "The Tonight Show," everybody.
You're here. You made it.
Thank you for watching at home.
Thank you for being here.
[ Cheers and applause ]
You guys ready to talk elections?
-Yeah! -Yeah!
-What a great topic, yeah.
Republicans didn't win enough, Democrats didn't lose as much.
Everyone was walking the streets today like, "Are you happy?"
[ Laughter ] "Are you happy?
Are we happy?"
Yep, the country is finally united under, "Eh."
[ Laughter ]
It was a strange night.
It's not often you hear somebody excitedly say,
"It's okay! We only lost the House."
[ Laughter ]
For both parties, it wasn't great, but also not terrible.
It was the political version of eating at TGI Fridays.
[ Laughter ]
So in the end, Republicans could get the House,
Democrats could hold the Senate,
and your Thanksgiving dinner will still be a disaster.
[ Laughter ]
As of now, there's still some races
that are still too close to call,
but according to the media, there was one clear loser.
-It's a bad, bad night for Donald Trump.
-Very bad night for Donald Trump.
-It is bad night for Trump.
-What I can tell you is, the biggest loser
tonight is Donald Trump.
-Donald Trump was the biggest loser of the night.
-He's the biggest loser in American politics.
-Donald Trump's not gonna like this.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Wow.
Trump was so mad, he ran upstairs
and slammed the door of his tanning bed.
[ Laughter ]
Ketchup everywhere.
[ Laughter ]
Well, one of the most talked about races was in Pennsylvania,
where John Fetterman was able to defeat Dr. Oz.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Basically, people hit the voting booth, saw Oz,
and then paid no attention to the man behind the curtain.
[ Laughter ]
Dr. Oz knew he was in trouble
when his own neighbors didn't vote for him.
Yeah, they said, "We couldn't. We live in New Jersey."
[ Laughter ]
And get this, apparently Trump blamed Melania
for convincing him to back Dr. Oz,
saying that it wasn't her best decision.
Then Melania was like, "Well, it certainly wasn't my worst."
[ Laughter and applause ] -Oh! Oh!
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Yep, news networks are still analyzing
John Fetterman's victory, which brings us
to our newest segment, "Can't Argue With That."
Here we go.
♪♪
-Why did Dr. Oz lose?
Well, it looks like, according to the exit polling,
it's because Fetterman won.
♪♪
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
-Sure. -[ Laughing ]
-Meanwhile, down in Florida, Governor Ron DeSantis
was re-elected by a huge margin, and a lot of people are saying
it makes him the Republican front runner for 2024.
Which is surprising -- -Whoo!
-Which is surprising 'cause it's hard to run anywhere
in those boots.
[ Laughter ]
Some other races people are talking about,
a 25-year-old named Maxwell Frost
was elected as the first gen Z member of Congress.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Yep. He was the only winner
to begin a victory speech with, "Well, this low-key slaps."
[ Laughter ]
Of course, it's a huge celebration
for the candidates who win,
but it's sad for the ones who lose
because they still set up a party.
Take a look at Doug Mastriano's party
after he lost the Pennsylvania governor's race.
Look at this.
-♪ The Vengabus is coming ♪
♪ And everybody's jumping ♪
♪ New York to San Francisco ♪ -That's sad.
♪ An intercity disco ♪ [ Laughter ]
-Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You know it's a tough night when the dance floor
looks like a still photo.
Do you know what I'm saying? [ Laughter ]
I'm not sure what the energy of an election party should be,
but it's definitely not
"wedding reception that just had a fistfight."
[ Laughter ]
Yeah, the midterms are over, and there are winners,
and obviously, there are losers
who have to make a concession speech,
so as a service, we thought we'd help them out
by giving them some lines that they can use
to start off those concession speeches.
For instance, there's...
[ Cheers and applause ]
"Gotta pay for that. Gotta pay for that."
Next, there's...
[ Laughter and applause ]
"You want to chitchat or no? Okay."
Next, there's...
[ Laughter and applause ]
Next there's...
[ Laughter and applause ]
Well, this one's short. Next, there's...
[ Laughter and applause ]
And finally...
[ Laughter, cheers, applause ]
They just got to own it. They just got to own it.
Well, it's the day after the midterms with a lot
of big races still too close to call,
and you could tell the networks are trying to fill time
'cause this is what you see right now when you turn on CNN.
-Breaaaaaaaaaaaakiiiiiiiiiing...
[ Breathes deeply ]
News.
-Still nothing.
-There you go. [ Laughter ]
Still nothing. [ Applause ]
Switching gears, some entertainment news --
I read that Netflix wants to start offering live sports.
Yep. There will be way fewer penalties in football
when this is the referee.
Yeah. [ Laughter ]
Well, you guys, earlier tonight
was the annual Country Music Awards.
I love the CMAs, but I gotta say,
I didn't know a lot of this year's performers.
Take a look. Maybe you'll agree.
-The CMAs would like to thank
all the of the amazing performers
at tonight's incredible ceremony, including...
And Carrie Underwood.
-Yeah, well, I know Carrie Underwood.
I know... [ Cheers and applause ]
Did you guys see this? A man in the U.K.
was just arrested for allegedly throwing eggs at King Charles.
[ Laughter ]
Yep, some of the eggs shattered on the ground.
And this is tragic, but it's been reported that
all the King's horses and all the King's men...
[ Laughter ]
...couldn't put them back together again.
[ Laughter ]
Guys, listen to this. A Southwest Airlines pilot
proposed to his girlfriend over the P.A. system
during a flight.
Yep, then the flight attendant was like,
"If you want to say no, the emergency exits
are located here and here." [ Laughter ]
And, finally, it is Wednesday, and we all know what that means.
It's time for some "Monday Motivations."
Here we go.
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
You're so popular, when someone says November,
everyone else is like, "Oh, you mean McKenzie's birthday month?"
[ Applause ]
After they welcome you onto the flight,
the pilots go into the cockpit, shut the door behind them,
and go, "Oh, my God, he's here.
Be cool, be cool."
[ Laughter and applause ]
No matter what you went as for Halloween,
people assumed you were the sexy version.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Go ahead, say you're vegan.
People care.
[ Laughter and applause ]
When you read on the subway, everyone's like,
"Oh, he's the full package."
[ Laughter and applause ]
If you'd been on stage that night, John Wilkes Booth
would've been like, "Forget Abe Lincoln.
I want to see the rest of this play."
[ Laughter and applause ]
And finally, this year, your uncle's gonna show up
to Thanksgiving like, "I've given it some thought,
and I realize, you're right."
[ Laughter and applause ]
There you go. Thank you.
We have a great show, everyone.
Octavia Spencer is here tonight!
[ Cheers and applause ] Octavia!
Matthias Schweighofer is on the show!
[ Cheers and applause ]
And we've got great stand-up from Kurt Braunohler.
Stick around.
We're playing "Catchphrase" when we come back.