(soft music)
- I'm Kelly Bathe, I have two mixed-race children,
half-Irish and half Black.
- My name is Kathy Weiss, and I have a 34-year old daughter
and a 27-year old son, Jeremy, who is adopted.
- My name is Shelly Patrick, and I'm the mother of two sons.
They're my biological children.
- My name is Frank Cayetti, and I have two children.
A 6 and a half year old daughter named Lucy,
and a 3 and a half year old adopted son named Joseph.
- My husband and I started dating when we were in
our thirties, and we never really thought about the fact
that we were a mixed-race couple until we decided
to have children.
My kids were gonna face situations that I just didn't know
how to navigate because I had never faced them myself.
I remember just sobbing, and my husband taking me
in his arms, and telling me that it's not my job to teach
my son to be a black man, that it's his job.
That it's my job to teach my kids respect, and kindness
just like every other mother in the world, regardless
of what color my skin is.
- We tried to have another child.
There were issues with me that was not gonna enable us
to have another biological child.
Social workers actually came out with a policy against
transracial adoptions.
There was a strong belief that white families couldn't
provide what black children needed for their own identity.
We did not live the black experience in America and
how do we provide him some connection to what the world
sees him as, even if his personal experience is slightly
different than that?
- We wanted to adopt for many reasons.
My wife was very much compelled, she has an adopted brother
and she worked at a nonprofit that worked with a lot of
former foster youths.
We talked about trying to have a biological child first,
and then the next thing we were interested in doing is
adopting.
I was talking to a woman I met at a theater opening.
She's African-American, the subject of my kids came up
because I love talking about them.
She asked, point-blank, which is a really good question:
are you going to allow some influence in his life from
other African-American people?
I was kind of stumped for a second and then realized
I absolutely have to.
- I was only about 20 when I had Jason.
I don't know if it was my immaturity, but I didn't really
look at my kids as black, or white, or half,
I just looked at them as my children.
When I was going through my divorce, I'm seeing a therapist
at the time, she pointed out how important it was
for the children to have regular time with their father
and his side of the family, so that they could
learn the nonverbal communication skills of
the black culture.
So that was something I was always mindful of and
made sure that that happened.
- Consultation is just an admission that
you don't know everything.
It doesn't make me feel weird at all-- it makes me a little
sad to think that he's going to have some experiences
that I can't entirely relate to.
- My daughters hair was definitely a learning experience.
I have a niece who also has a mixed-race daughter.
She actually has given me so much information.
YouTube tutorials, Pinterest, learning what co washing is,
just making her realize how precious and amazing
her hair is.
- I don't think we would have thought about moving
out of Philadelphia for a minute.
Jeremy wouldn't feel out of place growing up,
he would see other people that looked liked him,
family friends and personal friends, and teachers.
You know, we were always aware of that strong presence
in his life.
He would have the resources, he would go somewhere
if he needed to figure things out.
- MY husband has had to teach me.
I have taken on his thoughts on this, that you would
rather know who's a racist because now you know
who to stay away from.
It's the ones who aren't saying it, but are thinking it
are the ones that are the real issues.
- When Jeremy was a very young child, strangers would
come up to us and say, "Oh, he's gonna be a
great ball player isn't he?"
at some point I would say, why, because he's black?
At other points, I just got fed up with it and said
no, he's actually gonna be a brain surgeon.
It is stunning to me what comes out of people's mouths
and I am still not quiet about it.
- I recall this one time I went to look at a townhouse.
When I went into view it with the realtor, a person
who lived there came in and he was like, saying
"Oh this is a great complex, and you'll like living
here, and we don't have any" and he used the n-word,
"that live here."
I'm gonna get choked up.
And I said, well I will not be renting here because
I have two half-black children, and it would make
me nervous to have them here with somebody that
thinks that way.
Some white people just let it roll off, but when you
have children, you don't just let it slide.
- You teach your kids tact, and you teach your kids
that ignorance is everywhere, and unfortunately
I'm not gonna be able to save them from everything.
- It has been very important for me to talk to Jeremy.
He had one incident where somebody said something
to him, I think when he was around 11 or 12,
and he never told us, and dealt with it probably
by talking to his friends.
I felt like I had failed him, his friends maybe
were a better resource.
I felt like, sheesh, why can't he talk to me about this?
- You have to teach, and you have to talk to your kids
about police brutality.
You have to talk to your kids about racist undertones.
I would rather have the conversation before
anybody else has it with her, so that she
understands where we stand.
- The interesting thing that I think I've observed
about race, is I have a privilege to not
be cognizant of it and others do not.
I have to be empathetic to my son in that regard.
The issues that Joseph may face terrifies me;
someday I'm gonna have to have a real tough conversation,
now I just want him to be the happiest 3 and a half
year old kid out there.
- My husband, being a black parent, he had talks
with them, but a few times, when they came home
and told me they had been called a racial name,
it really upset me, but then when they told me
how they handled it, I was so proud of them.
I knew that they were equipped and strong to handle it.
- Jeremy definitely had identity issues,
I don't think it was all smooth sailing
and everything's been "Leave it to Beaver" nice for him.
He had to figure out what it meant
to be a black man in America with a white family
and a Jewish background, because he walks into
a room and the narrative is written.
He's always struggling with his own definition
against a public definition is of him.
- So my hope for the future is, you know, we start
to evolve as a nation.
- When you see children playing together,
they may be cognizant of the difference
in the way that they look, but I don't think
there's any preconceived notion, I think that
racism is a learned behavior.
- My hope for my children is that they grow up
and they learn to be kind, and they learn to be respectful.
- Jeremy's trying to make it in the world of music right now
I think he has great talent, but I'm a party of one
with a little bit of bias.
- I just want them to feel safe and feel loved, and
secure in who they are.
- I hope that my children are successful, and enjoy
their lives as they have fun.