-Hey, everybody. Welcome to an all-new "Tonight Show."
We're here in New York City.
It's a big nor'easter in 2021.
And if you can see, the streets are basically empty.
I mean, the city is kind of shut down right now.
But we are going to do a brand-new show for you guys
because we're here.
But if this were pre-pandemic times,
we would have to do the show with no audience anyway.
So with that in mind,
this might be the first normal show we've done in 10 months.
So let's do it! Welcome to "The Tonight Show"!
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
-From Rockefeller Center in the heart of New York City,
it's "The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon."
Tonight, join Jimmy and his guests --
Musical guest Remi Wolf,
and featuring the legendary Roots crew.
And now here he is, Jimmy Fallon.
♪♪
-Thank you very much! Hello! Welcome! Thank you!
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
Thank you very much, everybody.
♪♪
Hello, welcome, welcome,
welcome to "The Tonight Show," everybody.
Thank you so much for being here.
Thank you for watching at home. I appreciate it.
Well, guys, the first nor'easter of 2021 began yesterday
and continued all day today,
just blasting the Northeast with snow.
Here in New York, a state of emergency was declared.
I'm not really sure that was necessary.
Since last March, our resting status
has pretty much been state of emergency, but --
That's right, New York City got nearly 2 feet of snow.
All day, New Yorkers were frantically shoveling
until they remembered there's nowhere to go.
But what a crazy storm it's been so far --
freezing temperatures, high winds, multiple feet of snow.
Today, even the anti-maskers were like, "Okay, give me one.
Just -- Here --"
The weather is so bad, tomorrow, Punxsutawney Phil
is gonna pop out of his little groundhog Airbnb and be like,
"What do you think I'm predicting?
Go bother Sam Champion with this crap."
Seriously, the weather was so brutal,
even Joe Biden spent the day at Mar-A-Lago.
[ Laughter, groaning ]
That's right. The East Coast is being rocked
by a blizzard right now.
In New York, it is so cold --
-How cold is it?
-It's so cold, I saw a subway rat
wearing a pair of Bernie mittens.
It is so cold.
-How cold is it?
-It's so cold, Pfizer and Moderna
are storing their vaccines outside on Fifth Avenue.
I mean, it is cold.
-How cold is it?
-It's so cold, the New Year's Eve ball went back up.
It is so cold.
-No, Jimmy, stop.
-What is it, Roots?
-When we say, "How cold is it?" we mean it literally.
We actually want to know how cold it is.
[ Laughter ]
-Oh, it's like 35 degrees.
-Thank you.
[ Applause ]
-But the snowstorm isn't bad news for everyone.
Take a look at how one of the pandas at the National Zoo
was handling it.
Yeah, that panda either loves the snow or is incredibly drunk.
30 seconds after this video,
the panda threw up bamboo for five straight minutes.
They don't show that.
Meanwhile, here in New York,
kids got some pretty mixed news about schools this morning.
Listen to this.
-New York City schools are closed.
However, students are required to learn remotely today.
-Yeah, in the split-second between hearing "schools closed"
and "remote learning,"
every teacher finished a bottle of wine.
Yeah.
Come on. They made them go to school on a snow day?
Seriously, those Zoom rooms must've looked like
a pissed-off "Brady Bunch" opening.
[ Laughter ]
Well, guys, today in Washington, President Biden
met with 10 Republican senators about their COVID relief plan.
They want about $600 billion in aid,
while Democrats want $1.9 trillion.
Yeah, the meeting got heated.
According to the transcript, Biden shouted 12 "come on, mans"
and 19 "gimme a breaks."
Well, this isn't good. The impeachment trial is next week,
and Trump's legal team doesn't seem ready. Watch this.
-With just days to go until his second impeachment trial,
all five of the impeachment lawyers
expected to represent former president Donald Trump
have quit, splitting over a disagreement in strategy.
-Trump was furious.
Not that they quit -- that he couldn't fire them on Twitter.
Yeah, Trump and his lawyers disagreed on strategy.
Apparently, Trump got upset when they wanted to have one.
But there's good news for Trump,
because after he lost five lawyers,
he was able to replace them with two new ones.
Can we hear a little bit about them?
-Donald Trump has picked two new attorneys,
David Schoen and Bruce Castor.
-David Schoen was consulting with Jeffrey Epstein
before his death.
Bruce Castor, most notably, deciding not to go ahead
with the prosecution against Bill Cosby in 2005.
[ Laughter ]
-What? Was the guy who defended Saddam Hussein not available?
I mean --
[ Laughter, applause ]
Even Rudy Giuliani thought, "You're going with these guys?"
Listen to this. If you're still traveling during the pandemic,
maybe this will give you something else to think about.
-According to a safety reporting system run by NASA,
the rise of in-flight errors during commercial flights
is being blamed on pilots being rusty because of the pandemic.
-Don't worry. It's just like riding a bike
30,000 feet above the ground.
[ Laughter ]
It's not good when you hear a pilot walk into the cockpit
and go, "Oh, boy."
[ Laughter ]
"There's buttons on the ceilings, too?" [ Babbles ]
Some business news. I saw that this month,
Dunkin' Donuts is offering free coffee every Monday.
Well, in honor of that, we'd like to give a little shout-out
to their most loyal customer in history.
♪♪
-♪ Yeah ♪
[ Cheers and applause ]
-That's my dude.
I read about a woman in Minnesota
who wanted to show her daughter her wedding dress
but had an interesting surprise. Check this out.
-A Minnesota woman is on a quest to find her wedding gown.
Wendy Taylor pulled out the box
she paid to have professionally packaged 14 years ago,
but she was was shocked to find
her gown had been swapped with someone else's.
-Yeah. Then she opened the frozen wedding cake
in the freezer and discovered it was a burrito.
The woman was like, "This can't be my wedding dress
because it doesn't fit me at all."
[ Laughter ]
And finally, I heard about a man in Idaho
who just won the lottery for the sixth time.
Yeah, this last jackpot was $250,000.
And with the money, he plans to buy Idaho.
Guys, I am so psyched that Bryan Cranston is here tonight.
We love Bryan Cranston.
We were actually texting over the weekend,
and it turns out that we're both obsessed with fancy soaps.
Yeah, here, check this out.
♪♪
-♪ Fancy soaps in a fancy dish ♪
♪ One's a seashell, one's a fish ♪
♪ One soap's purple, one soap's teal ♪
♪ One soap's made with dry oatmeal ♪
-♪ Lavender, lemongrass, lily, lilac ♪
♪ This one comes in a drawstring sack ♪
♪ Tiny soaps, vanilla and plum ♪
-♪ Put them out when company comes ♪
-♪ Soaps were made to make you cleaner ♪
-♪ This one's citrus, that's verbena ♪
-♪ Heart-shaped soaps for a love that's true ♪
-♪ Crystal soap you can see right through ♪
♪ Dish, terrine, platter, tray ♪
♪ Fancy soaps go on display ♪
-♪ Pine tree soap to put in your pocket ♪
-♪ Goat milk soap from the farmer's market ♪
-♪ Tea time soap with chamomile ♪
-♪ Shea butter soap for a softer feel ♪
-♪ Fruity soaps smell like fruit snacks ♪
-♪ Lava soap that's entirely black ♪
-♪ When a friend stops by whether ready or not ♪
♪ No liquid soap for a two-pump shot ♪
♪ Not potpourri nor candlesticks ♪
♪ Just fancy soaps in a fancy dish ♪
[ Cheers and applause ]
-My thanks to Bryan Cranston!