- Raphael here, and I'd like to say
congratulations to America's high school class of 2020.
You're on the precipice of your college career,
but before you get there,
you're going to have to write an admissions essay.
Here's five tips to guide you.
(bell dings)
You've chosen a universal, relatable topic
for people of today.
Great!
But it won't do you any good if you bury it.
If you're into your second paragraph
and you still haven't brought up your school shooting yet,
you might want to make some edits
to get into it a little quicker.
The end of your first paragraph.
That's about where we should be introduced
to the inescapable nightmare that you've surely experienced.
(bell dings)
This brings us to your thesis statement.
If it's, "I don't want to be shot at in school anymore,"
Why don't you want to be shot at?
Is it because you can't be expected to learn
in an environment where your life is under constant threat?
Is it because this is entirely avoidable,
yet the adults who are supposed to protect you
stand by and do nothing, or is it because
your bulletproof backpack, a real product, is too heavy?
Any of these things would help put a finer point
on this super common occurrence, unfortunately.
Right now if you're thinking,
"Why are you assuming I've survived a school shooting?"
Or, "I couldn't even imagine a shooting
"happening at my school,"
That's absurd and incredibly sad.
You're not wrong, you're just in the wrong place.
You want our tips for non-American students,
because you're clearly not from here.
But don't worry, we folded in some tips for you as well.
(bell dings)
A good way to get overlooked is by using stock phrases.
Here's an example from Lumila P in Sao Paolo.
"Nelson Mandela once said, 'Education is the most
"powerful weapon which you can use to change the world.'"
Opening with a quote is an overused device and a big no-no.
Now, Teresa K in North Carolina made a similar,
but different misstep.
"Webster's Dictionary defines a school shooting
"as 'an attack at an educational institution
"involving the use of firearms.'"
Boring, right?
Try instead, "'School shooting' is a term that is being
"constantly redefined by law enforcement
"and news organizations who don't always consider it
"to be a school shooting if it happened
"outside of school hours, or if it occurred
"at an off-campus school event."
That's how prevalent it is.
They don't even count them anymore if it happened
outside of school hours.
(bell dings)
Schools want to get a sense of your personality.
Daniel S from Melbourne did this by describing
a family vacation.
"The sweet smell of freshly baked bread was my alarm clock
in the villa overlooking the Italian countryside,
the first place I ever called home and truly meant it."
Aw, so sweet.
Travis M from Tennessee wrote,
"I've most often been described as,"
and then a bunch of gibberish because their library
was put on lockdown.
At this point, I'm sure some people are still thinking,
"But I was told to write about a school club
"or team that I joined."
But the people who told you that probably went to school
about 21 years ago.
You know, before Columbine.
For instance, Oliver G of Kentucky wrote...
Oh wow.
I stand corrected.
Actually, Oliver from Kentucky wrote about
how much his shyness affected his social life,
until he joined the debate team where he found
a sense of belonging in a group of like-minded--
That never happened!
He was scared to go back to school
after an attack in the cafeteria.
And that's all there is to it.
Stay tuned for our next video, "Tips for applying to jobs,"
where you'll list how your school shooting
will help prepare you for your office shooting,
because this crap doesn't stop in high school.
Oh, god.