Parenting is hard enough when you've got a team. But how do you raise a child
without a father? It is what it is. I know. That can be totally annoying depends on
who's saying it and why. Here's the whole point. Your situation is exactly what it
is without changing anything, here you are. It's really easy to get into a
mindset of, "Oh, this is bad." Oh, really? It's only bad compared to
something better. And it's only good compared to something worse. So here you
are constantly and permanently between something better and something worse.
That's all I mean. It is what it is. As we talk about how to raise a child
without a father, it's easy to jump into, "Oh, this is bad."
Really? It is what it is and it is what you've got apparently. Because you found
this video. So avoid the temptation to conclude that this is bad. In fact here
you are, a concerned parent who's going to do something about this, right? That
positivity is so important. In fact, go back to that first video that we
launched about how to be positive no matter what and review that a little bit
because this situation and how you see
it, is going to set up the energy that
you're going to apply to all the other tips that I'm going to give you today.
Now, having said that. Present is better than perfect. Now, we know that because
the fact that you are there is important. Let's take off the pressure that you
have to be mom and dad. If dad is out of the picture then this kid has mom. Okay,
be the very best mom you know how to be. Stop trying to be mom and dad. I know it
feels like that sometimes when we even say it that way. "Well, I
to be mom and dad to my kid." No you don't. You need to be mom right now. If dad's
out of the picture. And dad, if you're watching this video and you're trying to
raise a kid without a mom, same thing applies to you. You don't have to be dad
and mom. Just be a great dad. So whichever parent you are, be the very
best one that you can be and understand that you don't have to cover for all the
missing elements in your child's life. Present is better than perfect. Here you
are. Be present as a parent and become as conscious and present as you possibly
can. Conscious means aware. The fact that you're here watching this video, tells me
that you're a conscious parent. Thank you for that. Continue to be aware. Conscious
and present for your child. Now, let's get into an important aspect of positive
psychology that has everything to do with raising a child without the other
parent present. And it has to do with 2 determinants paradigms. These paradigm... A
paradigm is just the way you see things, okay? It's a worldview. It's a mindset, if
you will. And I think it comes down to these 2 basic paradigms. We've got the
victim and we've got the agent. Now, what's the difference? A victim goes
through life blaming. It's that negative vitriolic,
"Oh, it's not my fault. Hmp!" And then you find someone else or something else to
blame, right? As opposed to the agent side over here which is all about
responsibility. In my book, I break that down into two words. Response, ability.
Which is your ability to respond to what's happening in your life. You don't
always get to choose what happens. Have you noticed? Some stuff just happens.
What do you get to choose? You always get to choose your response. And that
response ability. That ability to respond to the things that are happen
in your life put you on the agent side of these two paradigms. In a victim
paradigm, it's all about I can't, "Oh, I can't." Usually there's an exclamation point
after that. "I can't and here's 15 reasons why. You know, the hard thing about that...
Well, the problem with this is..." See, this is how a victim mind operates. As opposed
to, "I can. How can I?" That question is so powerful and it's a great question. Make
sure that it's a question not a statement disguised as a question. "Well,
how can I do that?" See? That's not a question. Hear the
exclamation point? It's a statement disguised as a question. How can I do
that? That's a good question and that's an agent kind of a question. Over here on
the victims side, "Why me?" Usually in a whiny voice, right? "Why am i left all by
myself to raise this child? Why me?" I know, disgusting isn't it. Make sure
you're not showing up is that Winer or that why baby over you're talking about.
Why me? What's the opposite of why me on the agent side? Why not me?
Seriously, am I not just as qualified to take this on as anybody else? It's just
as legitimate a question. But I'm the victim side of things, we don't even stop
to ask, "Why not me?" We just get into that victim mode where we're whining about it.
Honestly, think about this. What kinds of people have to raise a child without the
other parent even on board? Hmm. All kinds, right? Is it just the ones who deserve it?
Just the ones who are bad parents? Just the ones who fail at their relationships?
No. It's good people like you who end up through whatever things happen in their
life to be in this situation. Welcome to earth.
That's how we roll here. And aren't you just as qualified as anyone else to take
this on? Think about it. You've got these using resources in your life. You've got
people around you who supports you, you've got the ability to do this thing.
And if a certain percentage of people are going to have to do this anyway, who do
you want to wish it on? See, you're not going to come up with your best friend and
say, "Oh well, I wish they would do this instead of me." Take it on. Take it on. Why
not me? Do you see how empowering that is? It's a whole different mindset. Choosing
the agent paradigm is the most important thing that you can do to empower
yourself to become the best parent that you can be. Now, I could go on and on and
on about the agent versus the victim. Honestly though, I do want to share some
additional resources about that and if you'll pick up my book, "Pathological
Positivity." There's a .com for that and we'll put a
link down in the description. Pathological Positivity chapter 8 is all
about the victim in the agent. You can get that on audible too, by the way. And
I'll read it to you if you don't want to read it yourself. Alright. Now that
we've chosen the agent paradigm, self-care is so important. In the course
that I did with with my wife Vicki on positive parenting. It's called the
Parenting Power-Up. There's a dot-com for that, too. We emphasized four rules for
parents. Now ,there's all kinds of rules (right?) that we have to pay attention to
as parent. These four are where we start. And rule number one is to take care of
yourself. Self-care is huge. This is so important and I'm reminded of it every
time I get on an airplane. And they're going through the little safety routine
and you know the oxygen masks. "Put your own mask on first before you help
someone that you're with." Yeah, they have to remind us because our gut, our
instinct as a parent is to help this little child that we're responsible for.
Well, yeah. Okay, but how are you going to help your child
if you're out cold in the aisle? You're just in the way you're part of the
problem now. You got to put your own mask on first.
Self-care is huge and that includes all of those wonderful things that we've
talked about in some of our other videos here about getting enough sleep,
getting good exercise, eating a balanced diet, having periods of prayer and
meditation. That allow you to center yourself and calm some of the noise in
your head. All of these things are so important. Take care of yourself. The next
point is to build your team. Now, I know you're doing this on your own. The other
parent isn't on board. So that's not the team I'm talking about. I'm talking about
your community, I'm talking about your family, your church, the resources that
are all around you of good people who have skills and knowledge and access to
resources that you don't have. You want to build that team. In fact, going back to
the rules of parenting, rule number 1 is take care of yourself, rule number 2
is take care of the team. The kids don't even come in until rule 3 which is
discipline your kids and then love your kids. Build up and take care of this team
that will allow you to be more effective as a parent. Can you raise a child
without the other parent present? Oh, yeah. People have been doing it for
generations. Hopefully these tips will help you to get there. So, the good news
is you don't have to be both parents. Just be the one that you are and let us
help to power up your team. We've got a lot of resources here in the positive
parenting playlist. I hope you've checked that out. And you've heard me mention the
Parenting Power-Up. There's a link see that button right over there. Check that
out. This is where Vicky and I have put together some of the best tips
and strategies that we can come up with to help you be a better parent. I know
that's what you want to do. We're happy to be on your team.