Hey everybody! Today's video is the first video in a whole series about sex.
And the topic we are going to discuss today is defining terms that we use with
regard to sex. Whether that be rape, assault, what is that? Why do we have
flashbacks answering all of your questions and giving you definitions
that maybe you didn't know before.
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Let's jump into today's topic. I want to start with some definitions
so I have my laptop I did a ton of research and reading for all of
you but let's just define first what a sexual assault is.
SEXUAL ASSAULT : "any unwanted sexual contact that stops short of rape
or attempted rape."
I think it's important we understand because especially with
"ME TOO" movement that's been happening online when people say they've been
harassed or they've been assaulted a lot of people don't know
what the difference is. So that was the definition of Sexual Assault.
Next I'd like to define what Rape is.
RAPE: "unlawful sexual activity and usually sexual intercourse carried out
forcibly under threat of injury against the will of a person or with a person who
is beneath a certain age or incapable of valid consent because of mental illness,
mental deficiency, intoxication, unconsciousness or deception."
And I want you really to hear that deception portion, or intoxication and
"incapable of valid consent". And we'll get into what consent is a little bit
later but I just want you to take note of that because often when
we are involved in a rape or sexual assault
we think, "Well I didn't say NO I just froze".
NO! Because we did not...we were incapable of valid consent.
Silence is not consent therefore that is still rape.
I think it's important we understand that.
if you have to rewind and listen again go ahead
because I REALLY want you to hear that one.
Now let's jump into what Sexual Harassment is.
I'm sure many have heard this term maybe
through the "ME TOO" Movement or when
you were onboarding for a new position and they were going through the things that
your job would entail and their sexual harassment policies.
SEXUAL HARASSMENT: "Harassment in a workplace, or other professional or social
situation, involving the making of unwanted sexual advances or
obscene remarks."
And I also want to define harassment itself.
HARASSMENT: "aggressive pressure or intimidation."
sexual harassment can look like different things.
someone cat calling you while you're walking down the street
that would be again obscene remarks and unwanted sexual advances. It could be that
guy at work that comments about how you look or that woman who maybe notices when
you dress a different way or shave your face
any kind of comment
in a sexual manner to you, is harassment.
It's important we let someone know if this is happening.
And also, I want to say this could also look like a guy continuing to ask you out
when you've repeatedly said NO, you're in a relationship, or you're
not interested. Making those unwanted sexual advances,
"I could show you a good time honey you should come out with me!"
That's sexual harassment too.
Next let's define the term Incest.
A lot of you reached to me on Twitter when I requested you let me know what
content you want me to cover in these videos. A lot of you had questions
about incest and what really was
and you wanted me to talk about it. So let's first define it
INCEST: "Sexual relations between people classed as being too closely related to
marry each other. The crime of having sexual intercourse with a parent, child,
sibling, or grandchild. "
Could include child-on-child sexual abuse especially if abuse was
done by a sibling, cousin, or close relation. Now let's get into
child-on-child sexual abuse a little more. I've heard from a lot of you
this happened to you or you were part of it and you want to find out why it
happens in the first place. And so I read a ton of research articles and I read a
ton of blogs on people who had had this happen to them
and were recovering from it. This is what I found.
First, I want you to know children involved in child-on-child sexual
abuse are not old enough or mature enough to know or understand what these
sexual advances really mean. Therefore, this must have been taught to them by
someone much older who knew what it meant. What that really tells me is that
anyone that's involved in child-on-child sexual abuse has been abused themself.
If they're perpetrator. If they initiate the abuse, it means they've
been abused themself. Because there's no other way they would even
know what that was or try do it on another child.
Obviously, this actual child-on-child sexual abuse is way beyond the you show me
yours I'll show you mine. Overall, children's curiosity about their body and
what its doing. That isn't abuse. Abuse is when they're engaging in actual sexual
type conduct and behaviors. Things that children of that age simply wouldn't
understand or know. The way that a child could be exposed to these sexual behaviors
could obviously be through overt abuse but it could also be through watching
pornography when adults are around. Like them not thinking that a child even
understands what's going on. Or pornography is on all the time. It could
happen through watching someone have sex and watching sexual acts being done over
and over. For instance if you live in a studio apartment with your parent who has
a bunch of different boyfriends or girlfriends or whomever and doesn't really
take any caution to the fact you're there in the room. You watch
sexual acts over and over. By the way, all these things I'm
mentioning are child sexual abuse but I just wanted you to know what it could look
like for someone who is the perpetrator of child-on-child sexual abuse what would
cause them to know those behaviors. And we find that child-on-child sexual abuse
has the same repercussions as it does any other type of sexual abuse whether it's
been done by an adult or parent it doesn't really matter. Sexual abuse is sexual
abuse and it will have the same sorts of repercussions attached to it.
I also want to add in that children who are the perpetrators of child-on-child
sexual abuse in the moment often know what they're doing. They don't understand why
they want to do it they're truly just acting on their own impulses or urges to
show someone what has happened to them. And I also want you to know that it
doesn't matter what the gender of the abuser is. Women rape women, Men can rape
Men. Also, you can be raped, assaulted, or any of the things we're talking about by
someone you're in a relationship with or even married to. And I know this isn't
particularly linked to child-on-child sexual abuse we're talking about but
I want you to hear that because I heard a lot of you had questions
about that. And I want you to know that that's how it is. It doesn't matter the
gender and it doesn't matter if we're in a relationship. If we can't consent or we've
said "NO" or we are underage. It's still rape, assault, abuse...it's still all of
those things.
Next let's move into the term consent and defining what that is. And I really think
this is important. We've heard this term a lot recently with news
about the "ME TOO" movement and people coming out saying "I didn't say 'NO'
but I didn't say 'YES' I was silent and I froze" and people arguing about it.
I want to read the definition of consent so we know exactly what this term means.
CONSENT: "Permission for something to happen or an agreement to do something.
Therefore, consent can not be given if we're sleeping, passed out, or frozen in
fear. Silence is not consent. "
And also I want to throw out there that someone repeatedly asking us to have sex
with them over and over and over again until we simply just give up and give in
and it happens...is not consent either. And I also want you to know that children
cannot consent to sex with an adult. That's why there are laws against it such
as statutory rape laws and child abuse. Just know that if you did not say "YES"
and you did not initiate any sexual act with someone you did not give consent.
I don't care if you never said "NO". I don't care if were passed out.
I don't care if someone told you you dressed a certain way.
If we did not say "YES" and we did not consent to the sexual behaviors and
sexual activity that we engaged in then it's either rape or assault or something
like that. Depending on what happened to you it's not consent.
The next topic is what if we orgasmed during the abuse?
I heard from many of you this happened and it can feel like our body has
betrayed us and has let us down. And then we start to swirl with the
thoughts of "well maybe I enjoyed it " or someone can say that to us. It's so
damaging and so terrible because an orgasm does not equal consent and it doesn't
equal enjoyment. And I'll tell you why. An orgasm, simply put, is a bodily
response to genital stimulation. It has nothing to do with our mind being
onboard. If someone is stimulating our genitals in such a way that we can get
aroused and have an orgasm it will happen. It doesn't matter if we're saying "NO" and
we're screaming, or we're dissociated, we froze in fear...none of that really
matters because unfortunately, when it comes to orgasms it doesn't matter if
our mind is onboard or not.
While I was researching this topic I came across an amazing analogy.
And that analogy is tickling. Who here has had someone tickle them when
they didn't want them to? Who when you stopped wanting them
to tickle you was able to stop laughing? I'm not.
As much as I want them to get off me, stop tickling me, I hate this!
As a kid my brother tickled me relentlessly and I would hate it
but I was still laughing... and the same goes for orgasms when
we're being assaulted or raped. It's not something we're able to control it's a
bodily response to certain stimulation. Also, just to give you further evidence
that it doesn't matter if your mind is onboard, we can orgasm during our sleep.
And so therefore, we don't have to be fully conscious. And based on recent
studies estimate fifty percent of people who were in an assault or rape
situation orgasmed. And they had to make these very anonymous so they don't know
gender-based...how it may differ. But people reported it.
So know that you are not alone.
The next topic is freezing. A lot of told me when you were assaulted
or raped you froze. You couldn't say anything or do anything
And you just felt completely helpless. A lot
of you wanted to know why that happens. I want to throw that out there again...
just because we can't say "NO" doesn't mean it was consent.
Freezing is not consent okay? We're frozen in fear.
And there's more we're learning all the time about why
our brain does what it does. But we find that we freeze because in the time that it
takes for us to assess if we can fight our way out and overpower the person,
whether we can flee and we can run really quickly and get out of there.
During those, let's say milliseconds, or even a couple of minutes, that we have to
decide that, during that time our brain decides that we aren't able to do either.
If our perpetrator was larger than us, older than us, or we knew that the door
was locked we couldn't get out quickly
it was cold outside... A lot of factors can fly
through our head really quickly and in that time our brain said "EH...
we can't do anything let's just play dead and hope that this stops."
That's why our body freezes. So don't consider freeze a weakness.
Simply put, just our body's best defense given the circumstances.
The next topic i want to jump into are flashbacks.
A lot of you had the question, "Why on Earth do we even HAVE these?"
Now flashbacks are, if you aren't aware, memories from the past that come back.
They flash...I think the reason they're called "flashbacks"
they flash in front of our eyes and it can feel like we're back in
situation. Many report it's like watching a movie or seeing a
bunch of scenes like photographs flashing across a screen, it could be black and
white, we could feel like we're actually back in our body in that time and having
it happen again. It can vary a lot. But it's really just a repressed
memory or something that happened to us that was traumatizing that comes back in
a flash, and we feel it all over again. And the reason these happen is because
when we have a trauma or something that's just too much for our brain to process.
It hides them from us. It represses them so
that we can survive in the moment.
Because it's just too overwhelming. And it almost saves those memories until
it feels that it's safe for you to process through them. And I find that fascinating
because what it means is that when you start having flashbacks you're brain
thinks that you're in a safe enough place to finally start talking about it
or working on it. And that doesn't take into account us
being triggered by similar situations. But, when flashbacks come out of nowhere
and we feel like everything else is fine in our life your brain is saying
"Hey, I think it's okay to start talking about this now...because we're
doing better." That's what it's trying to tell you.
Honestly, flashbacks, though I know they're terrible and they feel awful, are
great clues into our past. Not only should we notice what triggers
us. what kind of smells? What do we hear? What are things that happen around us?
Maybe it's a gesture someone makes or something someone does. What is it
that triggers us? Because by knowing that we can create better safety plans and
better ways to manage it so that the flashbacks happen with less and less
frequency. But also, if we struggle to remember a whole trauma or maybe we don't
remember it at all and we think something happened to us. These flashbacks, and
little glimpses of memory, are like crumbs that we can follow back to see what really
happened so we can take it to our therapist and process through it.
And finally, how can we better cope with flashbacks?
I've heard from a ton of you that they're awful.
And how can we better manage them, hopefully making them go away altogether?
There are techniques, tips and things that can help.
The first are grounding techniques. Silly Putty in your hand,
counting colors in a room.. I do that with my clients a lot,
"How many different colors do you see in my office today?" Have them let me know.
"How many many shades of blue?" It sounds silly but it's a great
distraction tool. This could be having someone close who's loving and supportive
to you touch your back or hold your hand. That can sometimes bring us back and keep
us out of that flashback. Holding ice cubes, snapping rubber bands..
There's a ton of things we can put on this list so I encourage you to try
different ones out and find out which ones work for you so you have a list of things
you can use when you need them most. But know that the more we talk about these
flashbacks with a mental health professional and notice what triggers them
and why they're happening, the sooner they will stop. So please reach out to someone
in your area and get the help you need so you can stop having to relive these
traumas and terrible memories over and over.
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I hope you found this video helpful. There are going to be three more in this
series. I'm going to touch on all different topics and different realms
about sex but I hope this helped define some terms, clear some things up and
give you a better understanding of how to manage any trauma that
you've been through. And I will see you next time!
BYE!
Subtitles by the Amara.org community