How do you...
How do you get a magician off your doorstep?
I don't know.
You pay for the pizza.
[laughter]
Yes!
I like that one.
[intro music]
You know my girlfriend and I are always in a cut-and-restored relation?
I'm glad she didn't find the gimmick.
[music stops]
Can you say that again in English?
What do you call a magician that hates to practice?
A mentalist.
[whistles]
That's not even... that's just hurtful! No part of me wanted to laugh at that.
That's right. Can I leave, 'cos I'm pissed?
You should.
How does Criss Angel...
...sell a rabbit...
...to a deaf man?
DO YOU WANT TO BUY A RABBIT?
[laughter in background]
What do you get when the quarterback drops all his pennies...
...during the football game?
A copper field.
That's good, 1970s. It's good, though.
The worst magic show I ever saw was at a greenhouse.
The audience was full of plants.
The worst magic show I ever saw was yours.
That's rough.
Personal attacks!
Do you know that Ryan Seacrest used to be a magician's assistant?
They used to put him in a box and people would ask him how he'd do it, but...
...he never reveals his Seacrest.
Pun.
What did the magician say when he needed all of the sailors to help him?
All hands on deck.
That's clever.
Why are you laughing? No! Smiling!
What's David Blaine's favourite accessory?
Watch... watch...
Why is Max Maven so successful?
Maybe it's his charm... maybe it's his skills...
...or [sings] maybe it's Maybelline!
I volunteered for a magic show,
I was the guy they cut in two. The crowd loved it, but I was half-and-half.
What would you call the biography of Michael Jackson?
A colour change.
What do you call five magicians in a room...
telling Dad jokes?
Content for Chris Ramsay.
[laughter]
What did Harry Potter say to Hagrid when he first met him?
You're a Hairy, wizard.
[background] So good!
I didn't watch Harry Potter. Really? You're not a magician, are you.
How does the magician...
Let me restart that.
How does a magician give his...
...bunny rabbit... exercise...
...but the bunny has no... legs
[beep]
How does the magician give his legless bunny exercise?
Can you say it in English?
[laughter]
What is the difference between a bad and a good magician?
Let me explain how to be good.
[laughs]
Did you hear about the magician who fell through the floorboards in the middle of his performance?
That's okay... that he was going through a stage.
That's really good.
What did Siegfried give to Roy on his birthday?
A blowjob.
[laughter]
What is the name of the magician who's the best at making pastries?
Wes Baker. What's his specialty?
Chocolate Leclercs.
Oh that's... you f...
That's an asshole move!
What do you call a magician's dog?
It's an abracalabrador.
Ready, bitch? Let's do it. Okay.
Eric...
He didn't say anything!
Hit me, Frenchie.
How many jokes do you have? Are you scrolling through your computer right now?
Someone came prepared! Yep!
What is a magician's favourite chocolate bar?
Twix.
I don't get it. Twix! The chocolate. Tricks!
Yeah, I know what Twix is. Oh... tricks, twix - my bad. Okay, sorry!
[Chris talking in background] The magician kleptomaniac stole chocolate, he had a Twix up his sleeve.
Yeah!
Oooh! I like that better! I'd like to reformulate my joke. No, too bad.
I don't trust the magic industry - it's all smoke and mirrors.
Why do Armenian magicians have sideburns?
To look more like their moms.
That's really good. Because my mom...
[Chris in background] Eric, you're up.
Last night I got a standing ovation because I said...
Abra-Viagra.
Why did the woman show her boobs to the pulp mill?
He doesn't know what a pulp mill is.
Never mind...
Or explain to me what is "pulp mill"?
Okay, I'll explain to you actually.
A pulp mill is, like, where they... A what mill? Pulp.
P - U - L - P. Yeah? Mill.
It's, like, where they get the stuff to make, like, newspaper and stuff.
Okay. Right?
So why does she show her boobs to the pulp mill? You know boobs?
Yeah, I know boobs. Like, why did the woman show her boobs to the pulp mill?
I dunno.
She was trying to make flash paper. [laughs]
Jeff McBride.
[inaudible]... said Jeff McBride.
[inaudible]
...was on Pornhub, so...
What do you call a wizard with a microscope?
A close-up magician.
Nononono! I want to hear the joke!
Do you know the difference between slush powder and cocaine?
Yes.
What's the difference between a pizza and a magician?
Pizza can feed a family of four?
God damn...
Yesterday I asked my girlfriend if she wanted to see a magic trick.
...and she said no?
How did the magician get to the airport for free?
He used a shuttle pass.
Oh... Clever though, right?
Did you hear about the magical tractor?
It turned into a field.
What did the magician do in the bathroom?
It's not fair - he's going cross-eyed!
How much does it cost to be a... great at flourishing?
How much does it cost to be great at flourishing? I dunno.
Two bucks.
So good!
What did the magician do in the bathroom?
He dropped a deuce.
I got him! I broke him!
I did it for the camera! Really?
What do you call a professional magician that's not in a relationship?
Homeless.
What did one magician-melon say to his assistant melon?
We can't elope (cantaloupe).
Why was there no water in the bathtub when the magician got out?
When the what?
There was no water left in the bathtub when the magician got out.
Okay - no, I don't know.
Because he had sponge balls.
Did you hear about the angry magician?
He pulled his hair out.
That's clever.
Why did the magician go to the doctor?
Because he was sick?
He had a misdirection that lasted more than 4 hours.
Oh, wow!
Wow, that's good!
What do you call a relation between a magician and his mistress?
A second deal.
[music stops]
A side deal? [sounds of agreement]
I wrote them myself and I'm French, sorry.
My girlfriend met Criss Angel today and the asshole stole her eyeliner.
Her Highlander? Eyeliner. I can't say that f**king word.
What do you call a magician who wears a lot of sweaters?
Hoody-ni.
Did you hear about the magician who vanished a bar of soap?
Is he in prison?
He finished clean.
Why can't the T-Rex be a magician?
He can't fit anything up his sleeve.
What does one mindreader say to the other?
"You are fine, how am I?"
Because he reads minds.
What do you call a magician trying too hard on Youtube?
Fade to black.
What does Chris Ramsay have in common with Kim Kardashian?
They both only look good on camera.
Thank you for finally saying it, man! I've been waiting for that!
It's done - we're done! It's a cut - that's it!
Shave your beard, Kim!
[outro music]