oh fuck it's five years Oh what I thought it was four welcome to vlog 100
I've been in France for nine years okay and I sometimes feel that I've
forgotten how to be English like I don't know how to drink alcohol like a British
person anymore before I moved to France I use to drink
pints and pints and pints in France they serve little mini beers I've forgotten
how to appreciate shit food I don't like shit food right I've been used to the
food here the food is amazing I go back to England and I'm like I don't
like the rain anymore I used to love the rain I fucking hate the rain now so I'm
forgetting how to be British and so I thought what I would do is I would take
like a citizenship test because if you're not English and you want to live
in England and become a British shitizen British shiitizen whoops Freudian slip a
British citizen that's complicated to say if you want become a citizen of the UK you
have to take a test you have to take it's a cultural test it's not the
official test it's just an internet version of the test to find out how
British I am and see if I would actually pass the test the test is officially
called life in the UK so it's all about culture in the UK being British all that
kind of stuff and that's part of the process of becoming a British British
citizen I can't fucking say the fact that I can't say British citizen means I
shouldn't be one right so let's do this I'm pretty confident I mean I'm English
I grew up in England for most of my life so I'm confident that I'm gonna be fine
things are gonna things are gonna be fine question number one hold on wait
what how am i doing this without a cup of tea I needed a cup of tea with milk
to do the test that's how in England we keep stress free that's one of the cult
if that's not one of the questions fuck the test all right
all right I've got my cup of tea in the Royal teacup that I bought so let's kick
this test in the arse question number one what was the last battle between Great
Britain and France what a great first question the last battle between Great
Britain and France easy it was my TV show
what the fuck France this is not starting out well people I don't know
I've got no idea my history history is shit for me I've got no idea of history
French or any history English none of it
I'm gonna do battle of Agincourt I don't know why but I feel like that's right
which flower is associated with Wales now if you didn't give me the multiple
choice I'm not sure I would have got this answer but by process of deduction
process of deduction is that what we call it in English "processus d'elimination"
whatever the rose is England the Shamrock is Ireland's the thistle is
Scotland so by way of what's them it's not that by process of elimination
there's not process of deduction uh I think I'm gonna have to take the English
test after this as well it's got to be a daffodil let's go check how correct love
it next question during the reign of charles ii fuck me
parts of London were destroyed what was the cause of this destruction I think
it's the fire I'm presuming it's London bridge is burning down right the fire of
London I don't know charles ii i don't know
when he was reigning i don't care you don't need to know that if you live in England
I'm gonna go fire let's do it check done correct answer well done
how often are general elections held in the UK every four years that you do need
to know as a British citizen oh fuck it's five years what I thought
it was four where is it four it's in the US that it's four I'm getting confused
with fucking Trump that's my problem is it four years it's four years in the
u.s. it's five years in France oh my god Scotland has its own banknotes which are
valid everywhere in the UK true or false Scottish bank notes I think technically
are supposed to be allowed everywhere in the UK technically but often like small
shops and things don't want to do it correct answer yes
what charity works now my light just went out nevermind what charity works to
preserve important buildings coastlines and countrysides in the UK it's the
National Trust the National Trust does all those buildings and stuff correct
answer done Great Britain refers only to England Wales and Scotland true or false
oh this is classic British geography Great Britain is the technical name for
the big island the UK is technically the United Kingdom of Great Britain the big
island and Northern Ireland if you look at the passport it says the United
Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland
so Great Britain has three countries Scotland Wales and England Northern
Ireland isn't part of Great Britain but it's part of the UK true bang correct
next answer who is the tribal leader who fought against the Romans kind of a
question is that I'm going to say st. Augustine and the only reason I'm gonna
say that is because when I was at College in Canterbury I used to park my
car on a street called st. Augustine street so
I'm sure it's called to st. Augustine Street for a reason are you ready
check Oh Boudicca who was voted the greatest Briton of all time in 2002 I
don't know Alexander Fleming Winston church I'm
gonna go Isaac Newton oh it's fucking Winston Churchill fucking hell which two
houses form the UK Parliament okay now for this you do need to know this
answer as an English person if you're going to vote and be British
here's the thing I got the first political fucking question wrong so I'm
going to get the wrong okay the to which two houses you've got the House of Lords
and House of Commons House of Fraser that's a good throw off
question House of Fraser is a department store it's like Gallerie Lafayette but
the English version House of members I don't even know what that is I've got
this right it doesn't matter correct yes next question when did women get the
right to vote at the same age as men hmm now again history I'm shit at history
when did women get the vote Kate come on Kate
tell me the answer I'm gonna go with them the most recent 1948 no 1928
fucking shit who is the head of the Church of England the Archbishop of
Canterbury because I'm from Canterbury so that's all I know about Canterbury
there's a cathedral there's the archbishop and he's the head of the
Church of England it's definitely not the prime minister or the Pope or the
monarch no check oh it's the monarch what it's the
Queen the Queen is the head of the Church of England are so what's the
archbishop of Canterbury then fuck I'm still confident I'm halfway through
people I just need to get the next all questions right I'm actually serious for
a second this test is fucking difficult what sort of event is the Grand National
the Grand National is a horse-racing event horse racing because we see okay
it's the thing like I'm good as the general knowledge not the general
knowledge I'm good at the pop culture questions but history stuff and all like
religious like I'm not religious so I don't give a shit and who cares like if
the Archbishop of Canterbury of the monarch's the head of the Church of England
like that doesn't affect if I'm not if I'm an atheist person it doesn't really
affect my life as an English person right same as the Battle of fucking
Waterloo yeah you might need to know that for I don't know I just I have a
thing with history I stopped studying history when I was 13 because I didn't
like it I want it I was more future I like the future I like the I like the idea of
future things but I guess in order to talk about the future you need to know
the past fuck off next question what type of literature are the Canterbury
Tales how many time is Canterbury gonna come up in the fucking questions and I'm
gonna get it wrong even I'm from Canterbury they're fables their poems apparently
ah this is not funny anymore I don't even know what fable is it's bollocks that's
what it is when it's Christmas Day when is Christmas Day
they're having a laugh right if in England you know that Christmas is the
25th because we start fucking talking about it on October 25th who supported
King Charles the first during the civil war again its history no one cares
my dad would care hi dad if you're watching this I know right now you're
ashamed of me and my history but I don't care I've got no idea I'm gonna go with
the Cavaliers fuck it yeah check oh I got it right guess
done next question what battle is commemorated by the Bayeux Tapestry the
Bayeux Tapestry oh who cares I don't even know what that is I don't
care I don't know the Battle of Trafalgar no Battle of Hastings however
if you live in East London and you're 22 years old and you're working at a
supermarket how is this important to your fucking life in the UK where was
Anne Boleyn the wife of Henry the 8th executed I'm
gonna say the Tower of London yes correct
racial crime and smoking in public places are example of criminal offenses
or civil offenses racial cr it's gotta be criminal offenses right yeah
correct it's a good answer my brain is working what type of character was
played by Charlie Chaplin as a comedian and as an English comedian I should know
this answer without going through the process of elimination
definitely a tramp what am I talking about your next correct get on with it
you have to be at least 24 years old to stand as member of parliament true or
false I don't know again my politics is shit
I'm gonna say it's 18 oh I don't know the answer's false it doesn't give me
the right answer who developed the radar but it's a good impression of a radar
If they said who invented the Internet I'd get it right
Time Berners-Lee because that's now right we know that it's recent history I'm okay
with repeat recent history I don't know I'm gonna go John Logie Baird cuz that's I
feel like it whatever check no Robert watson-watt ah fuck me next question
where is the official home of the prime minister 18 Oxford Street no that's
probably Topshop or some shop Buckingham Palace no that's the Queen Windsor
Castle no that's also the Queen 10 Downing Street is the correct answer
next question final question of the test people how well do you think I've
done before I answer this final question do you think I've passed the test
do you think I've fucking failed it by law which two types of media have to
give a balanced coverage of all political parties and equal time to
rival viewpoints before an election I'm gonna say television and radio
yes Oh got it right okay let's see the answers let's see I'm
gonna finish the quiz are you ready for the results people are you ready for the
results finishing the quiz in three two one oh fuck I failed the test you know
what that means right it means I have to take this British passport and fucking
rip it up and part of me goes yeah okay I understand why we have these tests but
part of me goes they fucking ridiculous because it's about you know integrating
into a society and for me to integrate into a society you don't need to know
what Battle of fuck off was and who was the Emperor of whatever I reckon that
most English people who were born and raised there all their lives that haven't moved
around like I have couldn't answer those questions either what does it mean to be
a citizen of a country how do you become a citizen and is citizenship actually
that important it's too many questions there's way too many questions the
reason I'm asking you all of this is because it's going to be the theme I
think of my second stand-up show which I'm currently working on but I want the
new show to be about this idea of citizenship and belonging to a country
and a culture and the language I think there's a lot to talk about
this could be potentially very serious but I'd like to make it funny that is it
that's all that I've done for this vlog I'm done chatting this video's gone on way
too long it's gonna be a nightmare for me to edit but I'm gonna have fun anyway
it's been an absolute pleasure talking to you for a hundred videos here's to
the next 100 videos bisous bye