Helloooooooo I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it, so you don't have to!
Today, we're going to look at a film by Don Bluth-
GODDAMN IT!
How come he keeps turning up here?!
I mean it's not like the guy isn't a good director. He's directed some great movies!
Like The Land Before Time, An American Tail, and the Secret of Nimh, one of my all-time favorite films.
But, much like Schwarzenegger, for every good film he's made, he's also made a bad one.
And not only are they bad, they're weird.
Un-BELIEVABLY weird.
Case in point: The Pebble and the Penguin.
[ ♪ one perfect pebble, just one humble stone ♪ ]
If you took a combination of Nyquil and Vicodin and decided to watch Happy Feet for an hour, this is probably what you'd see.
Yet another strange and often clumsily animated film that wants to look nice as opposed to making any logical sense.
It's weird, it's sloppy,
I have 20 minutes to waste, so let's take a look.
NARRATOR: There is a charming tradition observed by the adélie penguins
CRITIC: Okay, which British chick who will have little to no character outside of narrating is this?
Shani Wallis? Who's that?
[DING!] Oh, the woman from Oliver!
Neat.
So she talks about how penguins use a pebble to give to their loved ones as a mating ritual,
Which starts off our tale of The Pebble and the Penguin,
As the story book explains.
Oh, I mean as the SONG book explains.
Apparently, the film is so cheap it couldn't afford a story book, so it resorted to the sheet music instead!
[ ♪ one perfect pebble, just one humble stone ♪ ]
So as the credits roll, we get a unique - but still very strange - opening.
It's the penguins swimming and singing through the sheet music of the movie,
Which looks nice, but what the hell's the point of it?
Are they gonna go tap dancing through the script next, marking off the bad lines they don't like?
The script would only be a page long if they did that!
[ ♪ Now and forever, we'll do like birds do ♪ ]
By the way, is it just me, or does this sound like the meeting song from The Great Muppet Caper?
[ ♪ Now and forever, I'll show her I care ♪ ]
(Strikingly similar tune) - [ ♪ First time you see her, those magical shades ♪ ]
What hack songwriter wrote this, anywa--
AAAAHHH,
That explains a lot.
From the BRILLIANT mind who brought you "Marry the Mole."
In fact, that's probably how Manilow agreed to do this film. He's sick and tired of people saying his kids songs are unoriginal,
So he shouted "YOU SHOW THEM MY MUSIC,"
"NOTES AND EVERYTHING!"
"THEN THEY'LL SEE I REALLY WROTE THIS SHIT!"
PENGUIN: Knock it off, romance has nothing to do with it, listen,
MARINA: You know, I just don't think a pebble should be that important,
PENGUIN: Marina, if you don't care about the pebble, how will you choose?
[ HAPPY DAYS THEME SONG ]
CRITIC: So our narrator finally starts to introduce us to our characters.
NARRATOR: Of all the penguins in all the world--
-- She walks into mine. --
NARRATOR: the most romantic was Hubie.
CRITIC: So this is Hubie, played by Martin Short.
He's in love with a female penguin named Marina,
Played by Annie Golden.
They make awkward small talk that's supposed to represent a "relationship"
as an EEEVIL penguin named Drake, played by Tim Curry, watches over them.
TIM CURRY PENGUIN: Marina doesn't know it yet,
but she's going to be MY wife.
CRITIC: I didn't get these pengroids for nothing, you know!
So as they sit on top of that thing from The Nightmare Before Christmas,
They start to sing a song so forced and contrived that it wouldn't make it into a Teddy Ruxpin cartoon.
【 ♪ Sometimes, I wonder what the colors mean ♪ 】
Uh, why don't you figure out what that lyric means, first?
It's like saying, "I wanna figure out what the sounds smell like!"
【 ♪ Like your eyes ♪ 】
【 ♪ Where was I? ♪ 】
MARINA: Choosing a mate--
CRITIC: Uh, is that choker trying to...choke her?
MARINA: I don't think it's nonsense at all!
Even if you are a bit wacky.
( soft strings music )
NARRATOR: The rookery buzzed with excitement.
All the bachelors took to the beaches to find their engagement pebbles.
CRITIC: You know, it's a shame this came out when it did, because I could totally see Morgan Freeman narrating all this.
[ Morgan Freeman impression ] Here, we see the penguin try desperately to get a laugh.
His antics fall short to underwritten slapstick and heavily confused himeny.
Thus, he will not find a mate.
He will spend the rest of his years knowing that his sperm will never carry on.
HUBIE: Star light, star bright, first star I see tonight,
wish I may, wish I might,
have the wish I wish tonight.
CRITIC: ( bzzt ) This is the wishing star, our attorneys advise you to stop ripping off Disney,
or we'll sue you for the little that you have.
Thank you, and never call us again.
[ DRAMATIC GASP ]
But thankfully, the last son of Krypton is sent to Earth,
As Hubby[sic] plans to use one of the scorching hot rocks - that doesn't seem to burn him at all -
as a pebble for Marina.
But, unfortunately, Drake catches him before he can see her
[ DRAMATIC MUSIC ]
TIM CURRY PENGUIN: So, nerd,
(bad, fake, American accent) I hear you wanna be a big ladies' man!
CRITIC: Boy, Tim Curry's American accent is almost as good as his Romanian one, isn't it?
-- Free now of the chains of Cho Chesku, traveling the world and doing good. --
CRITIC: Is it wrong to say the muscle-bound penguin sounds more credible?
TIM CURRY: NO!! NO!!
[ TIM CURRY PENGUIN LAUGHS ]
Hope you can swim, little--
CRITIC: Well, he IS a penguin...
[ HUBIE SCREAMS ] [ DRAMATIC MUSIC ]
[ LOUD SPLASH ]
CRITIC: So, while on the water, he comes across
the world's FRIGGIN' LARGEST SEAL!
And don't think that this means that the penguins are just small. We SEE them compared to the size of humans.
They're regular size!
This seal must have been, like, a radioactive mutation experiment at Seaworld or something.
MARINA: Hubie!!
CRITIC: So because of the storm and the seal, I guess,
he can't swim back.
So we cut to...him in a cage? Hi, when did that happen?
When he comes across a bunch of other penguins, who also somehow knitted their own clothes.
(Badly) 【 ♪ If you love the great indoors, welcome to the good ship Misery ♪ 】
CRITIC: God, don't people talk any more??
You could buy a pack of Skittles and it would result in a musical number!
Also, has anybody noticed?
They're out of their friggin' cages! JUST LEAVE!
Stop TORTURING us with Manilow's rejected commercial jingles!
(in a chorus) 【 ♪ And then we all throw up! ♪ 】
Just then, another penguin is thrown into the cellar, named Rocko,
Played by James Belushi.
JIM BELUSHI PENGUIN: Who's with me? Who's for busting out of here?
Bunch of birdbrains! Seal Bait!
Get me out of here!
So, Hubie, through his magic...space pebble...
can see what's going on back home.
TIM CURRY PENGUIN: I want you to be my mate!
MARINA: Drake!
I love Hubie!
CRITIC: Dude, this scene is so blurry, you could host a Barbara Walters special in it!
TIM CURRY PENGUIN: And remember, you must choose a mate before the full moon mating ceremony, or --
You're banished!
That's the law!
CRITIC: Really? They had to make a law about that?
Was there...really some penguin who was just refusing to mate, so they had to create a law to enforce it?
Sometimes, I don't want to know about the animal kingdom.
HUBIE: Sir! Take me with you!
ROCKO: You talkin' to me? {Yes sir, I am!} Don't call me 'Sir!'
ROCKO: Call me Rocko.
CRITIC: So Hubie and Rocko work out a plan to get themselves off of the ship.
MAN: Come back here, you-- Come back!
CRITIC: You're gonna be Gordon Fisherman's fish sticks and like it!!
[ CHEAP THUNDERSTORM SOUND EFFECT ]
【 ♪ Gilligan's Island theme song ♪ 】
[ SPLASHING, YELLING ]
CRITIC: So, as they perform penguin Amistad, they get off the ship and swim for some Hawaiian island.
ROCKO: You're lost?
Then I'm looking at a dead penguin.
HUBIE: Getting back to Marina is all that matters to me!
I mean,
Rocko, look!
I dream about her night and day!
I see her face when I close my eyes.
CRITIC: I do things when that happens!!
Things that my Penguin minister says makes baby Jesus cry.
CRITIC: So while Rocko refuses to help Hubie(by the way, hi, unfinished vine),
Hubie gets Rocko to admit what he's really been looking for.
HUBIE: What is it?
ROCKO: You're lookin' at it.
[ SEAGULLS CRYING ]
CRITIC: You wanna bonk a seagull...?
HUBIE: You, you, you...wanna fly?
ROCKO: Don't laugh! {Rocko!}
HUBIE: You've gotta, j-just accept it!
ROCKO: No! 'I'm gonna fly, AND NO-ONE'S GOING TO STOP ME, I'M FLYIN' !!
CRITIC: So Hubie convinces Rocko that he knows a penguin named Waldo:
(Last known photograph),
Who can help show him how to fly if he gets him back home.
[ DOLPHINS SQUEALING]
ROCKO: Captain, full speed ahead!
Here we go!!
[ Indiana Jones theme song ]
CRITIC: Meanwhile, at Frankenberry's house,
We see Drake continues to try and put the moves on Marina.
TIM CURRY PENGUIN: No?! Oh, I get it
You're joking.
(evil laughter)
[ORCHESTRA HIT] 【 ♪ Don't make me laugh! ♪ 】
CRITIC: Oh, gooooood, another song!
The endless musical of West Ice Story can fucking continue.
【 ♪ Say yes, my love, and go with a winner ♪ 】
Is it weird that all I'm thinking about during this song is why penguins have hands?
【 ♪ Don't make me laugh! ♪ 】
【 ♪ ha ha ha ha! ♪ 】
【 ♪ I'll slap my knee ♪ 】
CRITIC: Blah, blah, blah, Tim Curry is evil.
So we cut back to our heroes, who found a...
Very odd island of wood...
As Hubie admits a saaaad secret that he's been keeping from Rocko.
HUBIE: Rocko, there's something you should know.
CRITIC: Your Modern Life is no longer in reruns.
HUBIE: Waldo isn't real.
ROCKO: What?!
HUBIE: I needed you to...show me the way home.
I-- I didn't think you'd do it if I just asked.
CRITIC: Next, you'll be telling me the CAKE is a lie!
ROCKO: You decided to LIE to me! To drag me through three thousand miles of water and killer whales!
[ HUMOROUS FART-LIKE CHOKING NOISE ]
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
ahahahahahaahahahahahahah!
CRITIC: What the hell?
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Ah
[ more laughter ]
[ even more laughter ]
[ continuous laughter ]
ROCKO: You're either the greatest romantic hero of all time,
or you're the stupidest penguin who ever lived!
[ GUNSHOTS AND SCREAMING ]
CRITIC: So, because they...laughed,
for no apparent reason,
I guess that means they're friends again.
(sarcastically) Makes sense to me!
Meanwhile, back at home, we find that musical numbers don't need to have a point or lead in anymore.
Nooo, they can just start and come out of nowhere.
【 ♪ Sometimes I close my eyes and say a prayer ♪ 】
She's sad! Next?
We get yet another chase scene with the world's largest seal, which
seem to be Don Bluth's new underwater cats.
What's taking that seal so long, anyway?
Is he just enjoying his time shitting around with them?
Harry Callahan: I know what you're thinking. "Did he fire six shots, or only five?"
You've got to ask yourself one question. "Do I feel lucky?"
Well, do you, punk? -- Dirty Harry (1971)
So they swim, swim, and swim around until they finally outrun the beast, which results in yet another argument.
ROCKO: You risk your life to get back to that chick and give her the blasted pebble.
YOU'RE CRAZY!
You're INSANE!
You're-- You're amazing!
CRITIC: Boy, Rocko really seems to mood swing to the convenience of the plot, doesn't he?
ROCKO: Get out of my face, I didn't say nothin' like that.
HUBIE: You do like m-me!
ROCKO: I don't like anybody! {Oh, yes you do!}
HUBIE: And I knew it all along!
【 ♪ 】
CRITIC: Oh, god, no, NO NO no, not another one!
HUBIE: Hey, Rocko!
I guess this means we've put our differences...on ICE?
CRITIC: Alright, I'll take that joke, I'll even laugh at it - ha ha ha! - but please, NOT ANOTHER ONE!
【 ♪ Look how we get along to-- ♪ 】
(screaming)
Please, no more! I'm done!
I'm done with these fucking songs, there're like a bajillion of them in this movie!
Can you just SAY things?
Can you just speak for one minute?!
【 ♪ 】
【 ♪ We'll find our way through stormy weather, ♪ 】
【 ♪ Just you and me, right to the end ♪ 】
If you'll excuse me, I feel rather dirty. I'm gonna take a bath for a minute.
【 ♪ And gee, it looks like I've got me a friend ♪ 】
HUBIE: What do you call a flower before it opens?
ROCKO: A bud?
HUBIE: I love it when ya call me bud!!
(Rocko groans)
HUBIE: You mean you like me?!
ROCKO: A little,
HUBIE: Ya mean it?
ROCKO: Don't push it.
BOTH: 【 ♪ Looks like I got me aaaaaaa ♪ 】
【 ♪ Frieeeeeee
[ ELECTRICITY SOUNDS ]
eeeeeend ♪ 】
CRITIC: So if you're still alive after your brush with death, the penguins catch a ride on yet another ship.
How do they keep finding all these ships?
But they run into a rather hungry bunch of whales looking for some penguin chow.
[ FREE WILLY THEME ]
So after the whales finally piss off, we see that Rocko apparently got killed in the process.
Of course he did.
HUBIE: Oh, Rocko...
CRITIC: Well, after that 100% NOT fake-out,
we see that Drake has kidnapped Marina to force her to be his bride.
[ LAUGHING IN A FAKE AMERICAN ACCENT ]
HUBIE: Get your filthy flippers off my girl!
CRITIC: Man tits, awaaaaay!
Well, yeah. What did you think was gonna happen, dumbass?
???: Get up, now open your eyes!
HUBIE: I didn't come three thousand miles and,
lose my best buddy to be stopped by the likes of you!
CRITIC: I came here to lose my virginityyyyyyyy!!!
HUBIE: Come on!!
CRITIC: So he defeats Drake and - oh, what a "surprise",
Rocko isn't dead!
Yeah, you really had me going there, movie. Good one.
TIM CURRY PENGUIN: Say your prayers, you fool!
CRITIC: (Tim Curry impression) No, my conveniently shaped location!!
Dude, that was a pretty harsh death!
I mean, just because you don't show blood doesn't mean that wasn't gruesome!
In fact, let's put some blood in that scene and see how it looks.
[ COMICAL SQUISH NOISE]
Yeah.
Disturbing!
ROCKO: Hubie!!!
Yeah. What they don't show you
is the angle he's really going.
[ CRASHING NOISE ]
No, of course Rocko can fly now. Breaking the laws of nature and gravity, because...
He ate a fairy. I don't know.
But it seems to have saved the day.
So Marina and Hubby[sic] get together, they fly into the sunset and they all wear Santa hats.
Because...?
I guess this was a Christmas film.
That's The Pebble and the Penguin.
So, did any of it work?
Well, how do I put this?
Out of all the bad Don Bluth movies,
this one is probably the least bad.
It almost works,
The voice acting isn't bad, and while the animation can be sloppy, it's still Don Bluth animation,
which is always impressive.
It just gets lost in the generic story and those few really weird turns that
that either work to Bluth's advantage, or don't.
And in this case, they don't.
It's not really a film I'd recommend for kids, as there are much better films to show them,
But as is, it's not terrible.
And if a kid really wanted to see it, I guess there'd be no harm in showing it to them.
And besides, it's just false advertising.
When I hear the title "The Pebble and the Penguin," THIS is what I expect to see:
Now THAT would have been an interesting crossover.
I'm the Nostalgia Critic, I remember it so you don't have to.
【 ♪ I wonder what the colors mean ♪ 】