- [Host] The winning. The witch hunt. The fire. The fury.
It's the Best Presidency Ever!
(upbeat techno music)
(soft violin music)
- But you also had people that were...
very fine people on both sides.
- No, right now, if you say very fine people
around black people,
we're going to be like, no, no, no, no, no.
We're gonna have to have some words.
- No, no, no, you you don't know what "fine" means.
You don't know what "fine", this is not fine.
- The Unite the Right rally in Charlottesville
was a calling, call, to like anyone
part of the White Supremacist Alt Right movement
to come together and they started chanting,
"The Jews will not replace us."
- And I kept looking at those guys
and thinking the Jews aren't interested.
- [Trump] Very fine people on both sides.
- Having a statue of Robert E. Lee
is like having a shrine in your house as a kid
who tormented you through middle school.
Can you imagine Danny Anderson with his big ass ears
and his bowl cut hair? And his buck teeth.
Come here, Morris!
And then, I just like put candles and shit all over my room.
It's not going to happen.
- I don't even know if he knew what he meant.
Like, I wonder if he just meant like hot babes,
like that kind of fine.
Like damn, there's some fine women on both sides
cuz it's like that's a little more understandable.
- [Reporter] The vice president
who flew from Las Vegas to Indianapolis
for Sunday's game, standing with his hand on his heart.
But soon after he and his wife abruptly left the stadium.
I will not dignify any event
that disrespects our soldiers, our flag,
or our National Anthem.
- The least Trump could have done
was send him to a Jets game if he's going to leave anyway.
- If you want Mike Pence to leave a room,
there are two things you can do.
One is kneel during the National Anthem
And the second is bring a woman into a room,
who is not his wife.
- A few minutes after midnight, the president tweeted,
"Despite the constant negative press covfefe"
(laughs)
- It's called, yeah, it's Covid fee.
That's what we're all paying, with our lives.
- Cofevfe, it's so stupid.
- The other F is just because we're effed.
- I was like, he's on a toilet.
When are they going to find him?
I think he's had a stroke.
- See what I'm doing?
I imagine that's what happens in his brain.
- There's nothing there. - This don't mean nothing.
- Hey, love birds.
Stable genius writes, "I've met someone else,
President Xi Jinping of China.
This sly China-devil
is like a sexy Santa,
listening to everything you say, checking it twice,
and, if you're naughty or a Uighur Muslim,
sending you for re-education at a work camp.
President Xi, get ready,
because this love letter is headed straight for your heart."
- I was in China making a speech.
President Xi, who is a strong man.
I call him "King."
He said, "But I am not King.
I am president."
I said, "No, you're president for life
and therefore you're king."
He said, "Huh, huh."
He liked that.
- I just want to give you an opportunity
to clarify something you said that seems to be gaining
some traction right now.
Quote: "Hitler didn't even sink
to the level of using chemical weapons."
What did you mean by that?
- I think when you come to sarin gas,
there was no, he was not using the gas
on his own people the same way that a shot is doing.
I mean, there was clearly. I understand it, but thank you.
Thank you. I appreciate that.
There was not in the, in the, he brought him into the, to,
to the Holocaust center. I understand that.
- I went to Hebrew school for a lot of years,
but not knowing the term "concentration camps"
means you didn't go to any kind of school.
- Sean Spicer's not the only one
who doesn't know Holocaust history.
According to the Washington Post, two-thirds of millennials
don't even know what Auschwitz is.
They think it's the German word for avocado toast.
(bright music)
- This is a tough hurricane.
One of the wettest we've ever seen
from the standpoint of water.
Rarely have we had an experience like it.
And it certainly is not good.
(soft piano music)
- If you have a windmill anywhere near your house,
congratulations, your house just went down 75% in value.
(crowd laughs)
And they say the noise causes cancer.
You tell me that one okay. (mimics revving noises)
I'm a very stable genius.
- Of course, Trump thinks windmills cause cancer
He tried to convince his second wife that he got the clap
from a revolving door.
- No, my doctor always checks for lumps in my breast
to make sure I don't live near any windmills.
(cameras clicking)
(crowd cheers)
- Guys, Trump just wants to do the thing
you tell him not to do.
Don't stare at the eclipse. Don't collude with Russia.
Don't be racist.
Don't bring about the end of the world as foretold
in the Book of Revelations.
- With regard to the forest, when trees fall down,
after a short period of time, about 18 months,
they become very dry.
They become really like a matchstick and they get up,
you know, there's no more water pouring through
and they become very, very, and they just explode.
- He sounds like a two year old
talking on a telephone with a relative for the first time.
You're like, "Great trees are" and then, you try to hang up,
but they're so little and you just want to encourage them.
- Got to take care of the floors.
You know? the floors of the forest.
Very important.
You look at other countries where they do it differently,
and it's a whole different story.
I was with the president of Finland and he said,
"We have a much different, we're a forest nation.
He called it a 'forest nation.'"
and they spent a lot of time on raking and cleaning
and doing things.
- I think he just liked the idea of raking forest floors
because he's used to just
bossing people around in hotels.
- [Reporter] With the world watching today,
President Trump walked into the Rose Garden
to deliver the news himself.
- The United States will withdraw
(crowd claps)
from the Paris
Climate Accord.
- From what Stormy Daniels said,
the Paris Climate Deal is the very first thing
Trump has pulled out of.
- [Reporter] 150 Mile an hour winds ripping buildings apart
knocking out power everywhere.
- [Reporter] Maria is passing
the Turks and Caicos islands this morning
as a Category Three hurricane.
- [Reporter] Officials there predict entire towns
will have to be rebuilt.
- We are also praying for the people of Puerto Rico.
- [Reporter] During the visit, the president tossed
rolls of paper towels into the crowd
that gathered at the Calvary Chapel who said, quote:
"The job that's been done here
is really nothing short of a miracle."
- Okay, I got it, I got it.
- Mr. Pre, (swats paper towels) Mr. Pres-
- Ah! (swats paper towels) Ah!
- (paper towel hits) What the hell is going on?
- But Trump did eventually make it down there
and he threw paper towels at people in a press conference,
which only could have been more insulting if he leaned back
and threw individual sheets at people.
- Let me tell you what a man must never ever do to me,
throw any kind of cleaning implement at me.
Do you know what I would do to you?
- Trump threw those paper towels at Puerto Rico
like it was an island full of cleaning ladies.
- Okay who... alright.
- You know what? You know what? - Ass whooping.
- Throw money, you idiot.