Are you in a relationship with a narcissist, and they just keep promising you the world,
and then it never materializes?
You might be a victim of what we call future faking.
And by the end of this video, you're going to know all about what future faking is, how
to spot it, and how not to fall for it.
Hey, I'm Rebecca Zung, top 1% Attorney and the best-selling author of the books, Negotiate
Like You M.A.T.T.E.R.
And Breaking Free, a step-by-step divorce guide, and I've helped thousands of people
go from lives of drama, trauma, and chaos, to step into lives of freedom, possibility,
and purpose.
And I do the same thing for you right here on this channel.
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on with narcissists, and how to negotiate your way out of that relationship with that
narcissist.
So let's talk about future faking.
So, you know the word integrity?
Doing what you say you're going to do, well, that doesn't really apply to narcissists.
And in fact, if you keep allowing narcissists to continue to promise you the world, and
then you realize it's not materializing, you're actually enabling their behavior, which of
course is not something that we necessarily want to do.
Because we want to maybe hopefully get out of these relationships with these narcissists,
so what happens with narcissists, is part of the love bombing process, which is how
they get you into these relationships in the first place, is just kind of promising you
the world.
You know the whole concept of over promise or under deliver.
Or under promise and over deliver, that you're supposed to do in sales.
They kind of do the over promise and under deliver.
That's basically what future faking is.
It's, they say whatever they need to about what your future might be, in order to get
you to do what they want you to do, or get you to get off of what it is that you're bothering
them about.
Or even in the beginning of the relationship, when they're in the love bomb stage, which
they do love bomb all throughout the relationship when they need to, by the way.
And if you want to know more about love bombing, you should definitely check out my video on
love bombing, but one of the 101 conversation, the glossary of basic narcissistic terms that
you need to know about is what, we call this future faking.
And I have a whole bunch more videos on the 101s of basic terms on narcissism.
And you should definitely check out some of those as well, especially, gaslighting, and
flying monkeys, and narcissistic injury and supply, and things like that.
And all of those videos are also on my channel.
But what happens with narcissists is they want you to do what they want you to do, which
is give them an endless amount of narcissistic supply.
So narcissistic supply is anything that feeds their ego.
So it can be giving them tons of compliments and adulation and respect.
Or maybe it's giving them money, or maybe it's giving them a place to live, or maybe
it's giving them the prestige of being with you, or allowing them a life that they want,
something like that.
But they also get supply from manipulating you, and lying to you, and getting you to
do things that they want you to do, and devaluing you, and putting you down, and making you
know that you are lesser to them.
Just, even in little small way, sometimes like not remembering to do something that
you asked them to do, or something like that.
But with future faking is a way of getting you to believe that, okay, even though you're
not getting what you want from them now, that you will get it from them at some other time.
So down the road, you're going to have this amazing life together, or starting now, they're
going to be so much better.
I was just talking to a client whose husband, was looking at other women online and doing
all of these things.
And she almost left him and he said, "I will never, never, never do that again.
In fact, I will get rid of all my social media pages.
I'll do whatever I need to do, in order to keep you, in order for you to stay with me,
don't leave me, don't leave me, don't leave me."
And so all this future promise of how life would look, and then they stick to it for
a little bit of a period of time, but then they really can't maintain that, because they
really didn't plan to keep their promise anyway.
So they stick to it for a little bit of a period of time.
And then of course they fall off the map, and they don't end up continuing with whatever
it was they said they were going to do.
And in this particular case that husband, of course continued to maintain relationships
with women online, because he just thought that he would be able to get away with it.
Because the reason why he continues to do that, is because of that whoring that they
need to do of getting as much narcissistic supply as they possibly can.
So he didn't really plan to ever get rid of these other women online.
He just wanted to future fake it with the wife to say, "I will do this.
And in the future, things will be better.
And look, I'm going to be the person that you always wanted me to be."
And blah, blah, blah.
It's just empty promises, empty promises.
That's basically what future faking is, is a bunch of empty promises.
And if this is sounding familiar to you, give me an amen, in the comments.
So how do you know if you're enabling future faking?
It's by making excuses for this person.
And sometimes we do that in order to kind of protect ourselves, because we don't want
to believe that this person is bad.
And so sometimes we'll find ourselves making excuses.
Like, let's say somebody said that they're going to start coming home on time.
That this person is always late.
And they said, "Okay, from now on, I'm going to start coming home on time."
And so now they start saying things like, "I can't make it.
I have to work late.
Traffic is bad.
I have a big project going on."
And so you find yourself kind of making excuses for that person.
Like, well, they have a lot of work commitments or well, reliability isn't really their strong
suit.
Or punctuality isn't really their strong suit.
It never really has been.
And so you start making excuses for that person.
Another type of way that we sort of enable it, is by saying something like, "I know his
or her heart is in the right place."
And a lot of times we do this really, because you don't want to believe that this person
that we've been with, or spent so much time with can be bad.
And a lot of times, it's not all bad.
I mean, that's the thing with narcissists, is because of the love bomb stage, sometimes
things are actually not all bad.
Sometimes they seem like they can be really good.
And we spend the entire relationship craving, wanting that goodness to come back, wanting
to see that good part of that person.
And so sometimes we make excuses by saying, "Hey, I know that the person's heart is in
the right place, even though they're not doing what they say, they're going to do."
Another way that we enable it is to just say, "You know what?
I've just decided I'm going to live with that.
I know that they're never going to do what they say they're going to do.
So I just assume that I'm going to be responsible."
So let's just say that this person says, "I know you've been shouldering a lot of the
housework.
I know we both work all the time and you so everything at home.
I'll take on doing the laundry."
And maybe the person does the laundry for like a week or two.
And then, there it is, the laundry is piling up.
So instead of wanting to start an argument, you find yourself say, "You know what, I'll
just go ahead and do it.
I'll just assume that it's all my responsibility.
And if the other person decides to do it, well, that's a bonus, but I'm not going to
expect it.
I just expect that they're not going to keep their word."
That also enables the narcissist.
The other thing that enables it is just not bringing it up at all, not reminding them
what their promise was.
And a lot of times when you're dealing with a narcissist, you don't want to remind them
what their promise was, because if you do, it can end up being a big, huge fight.
And if you know that that's the case, then you're probably with a narcissist because,
a person who's not a narcissist who wants a relationship to work, who actually has care
and empathy for the other person would be like, "Oh my God, you're right.
I'm so sorry.
I said that I would do that.
And I didn't do that."
That's what a person who has integrity would do, but a narcissist wants to deflect.
They want to project.
They want to make sure that it's your fault.
If you are afraid to bring it up because you know that they're going to say, "You're right.
I didn't do that.
It was because it's your fault, I'm sorry, you didn't do what you said you were going
to do."
That whole fauxpology.
And if you want to know more about narcissist's fauxpology and whether or not they say sorry,
check out my video on do narcissists say, sorry.
And if they do, do they mean it?
But a lot of times that's what you're going to get.
And so if you find yourself just not bringing it up at all, it's probably because you just
don't want the backlash of whatever that's going to be.
So, they future faked.
They said they were going to do something.
They didn't do it.
And you just find yourself saying, "You know what, I'm not going to bring it up.
It's not even worth it."
So if you find yourself harboring a ton of resentment, because who harbors more resentment
about the future faking that didn't happen?
Do think it's the narcissist, or you think it's the person who was the victim of the
narcissist?
I guarantee you it's, the person who's been the victim.
Because you just sit there and you go, okay, "Well, this person is not delivering on their
promises.
They're not keeping their promises to me.
Either I bring it up and I deal with the wrath, or I don't bring it up and then I still end
up not getting what it is that I wanted."
And so you end up carrying this sadness and this resentment, and it actually turns into
feeling terrible about yourself, and feeling guilty that you want something, because that's
what they want you to feel.
Or you end up having no self-esteem or no sense of self.
And you end up feeling like you're just a shell of yourself because of these empty promises,
that just keep not materializing.
Because obviously you start to think, I guess I'm just not worth having these promises be
delivered on.
I guess I'm not worth this person doing what they say they're going to do.
Which it's actually the opposite.
The other person just has no sense of self, and no sense of self-worth and no sense of
value.
So they try to put everybody down and make it look like that they're better than everybody
else.
And so it's the great game of manipulation.
It's just one form of manipulation that they use to get people to do what they want them
to do.
So in the end future faking is really a classic sign of narcissism.
And if you are seeing this, then you a probably in a relationship with a narcissist, unfortunately.
If you are getting ready to negotiate with a narcissist, grab my free Crush My Negotiation
prep worksheet.
You can get it at Winmynegotiation.com.
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I'm Rebecca Zung, thanks so much for stopping by.
Remember, today's a great day to start negotiating your best life.
I'll see you in the next video.