Ostensibly we all want love,
But Oddly, one of the hardest things to do is not hold it against people
When they do actually turn around and reciprocate our feelings.
It can be immensely hard not to think that those who offer us love
Are in some ways weak, mistaken, needy, craven or just defective
It can feel a lot easier when love was unrequited
when our primary preoccupation was a thrilling dread
that the admired person hadn't even noticed us
But now there's finally no doubt anymore
It's really clear they do like us and something troubling has arisen
We're feeling a bit sick
We're tempted to say we got them wrong. They can't be the admirable people we thought they were
But the issue isn't really to do with them at all
it lies somewhere else entirely...
in our relationship with ourselves.
Their affection seem suspicious, incomprehensible and a touch repulsive
because at some level this isn't what we're used to. it doesn't tally with our view of ourselves.
Love can be hard to receive when we're not fundamentally convinced of our own lovability.
We spend our time seeking out those who can make us suffer in ways that feel familiar.
And it becomes natural to assume that a kind lover has missed something
And perhaps then, to try to behave in disgusting ways just to make sure they understand
We're really not who they thought we were.
And that they would therefore leave us in painful but somehow psychologically gratifying ways
in short, how could anyone be so great if they have the bad taste to think well of someone like us?
but we have to allow ourselves to entertain another option
perhaps this affection we're receiving is not a sign that our kind lover is weak or wrong or has no other options
perhaps it's a sign that they've seen something in us
which pointedly and tragically we don't yet quite see in ourselves
and have never been alowed to believe in by figures in our past
that we are deserving of love.
there is hope in all this
Hope that we can come to trust our lovers more that we trust our own first nervous, self-destructive impulses
We can interpret their love, not as a sign of their delusion or weakness,
but as evidence of an inherent lovability in ourselves
to which our past histories have blinded us
yet to which their love and tenderness can now awaken us
we don't invariably have to hold it against others when they see some point in us.