- Hi everyone, welcome to this month's
Patron's Choice video, How to Support Your Aspie Friend.
The topic this month was chosen by Nancy, who writes,
"How to help someone with Asperger's
"feel accepted, valued, and loved
"for who they are without trying to fit in."
And I really love this topic,
because it goes straight to the heart of a major issue
that a lot of people on the spectrum face,
which is exactly this question of how do I fit in?
Or, more specifically, how do I gain
this love and acceptance,
and be myself at the same time?
Is that even possible?
So this video is essentially to help NTs,
family, friends, partners, all that kind of stuff,
to give the right message that is actually helpful.
So essentially, the problem that a lot of us face,
and I know this is the case for me,
is that, when I was little,
I was always taught how to fit in.
Constantly told how I should be.
Constantly taught how to conform and to fit in.
And this is what you need to do at school,
and this is what you're allowed to say,
and this is what you're not allowed to say,
and all of those kind of things.
And for most people that's not really such a big deal
because if this is the sort of
acceptable range within society,
if you kind of fit into that most of the time,
its not really a big deal to sort of
squish yourself into it the rest of the time.
Whereas, if you are naturally all the way out here,
or all the way out here,
then constantly, every second of every day,
trying to do something that does not come naturally,
and when I say things that don't come naturally,
I mean things like looking people in the eye.
Things like sitting still.
Things like wearing clothes,
and by clothes, I mean I always
had trouble with shirts and ties and things.
It was really really difficult for me, wool.
Anyway, things like that, that are common for people,
but if it's difficult for you to do that,
then teaching conformity, the message that comes through
is that you're not okay how you are.
And to fit in, you need to be somebody else.
Alright, this message, you're broken,
and I'm gonna help fix you by teaching you how to fit in.
And unfortunately, when we do that,
often we praise compliance.
So, good job, you looked me in the eye.
Good job, you sat still for the whole lesson.
Or you had a whole day at school
without getting into any trouble.
And unfortunately, and this was definitely the case for me,
I got so good at this compliance and conformity,
I created this, it's almost like I created an ulterior,
a new character of this is who I'm supposed to be.
Because the real me is not lovable, and not acceptable.
The real me is not okay, the real me is broken.
But fortunately, other people have taught me
how to be somebody else who can be accepted.
And once that happens, then no matter how much praise,
no matter how much love and acceptance
is shown to this person,
it's going to be attributed to the mask.
So the more successful I am,
people say I'm amazing, and I think,
if they only knew who I really was
they would not accept me.
They only accept me because I'm performing really well,
and I'm conforming really well.
And if at any moment of the day that mask cracks,
then they would see who I really am,
and they would find me out for who I really am.
And they would not accept me.
So the other problem is what if I'm not very good
at these skills of fitting in?
It's likely that the people around me
are going to see me really struggle,
and they're going to offer me help.
And they're going to say, I can see
that you have trouble at a job interview,
and I'm gonna help you do that you need to do
to get that job.
And what you need to do is fit in,
and you need to learn how to make eye contact,
and shake someones hand,
and say the right things, and have smalltalk,
and all of those socially appropriate things
so that you can succeed.
And you can probably see by now
how this just reinforces exactly the same thing.
You are broken, and the only way you're gonna succeed
is if we fix you so that you fit in,
and we give you this mask
so that you can get this love and acceptance and value,
and all the things that you,
that every human being wants, I guess.
(laughing) So, that is a very powerful message
that can be drilled into us from a very very early age,
and can be extremely damaging.
So, for an adult who has probably experienced all of these,
how do you actually support them?
Well, the solution is the opposite
of this message that you're broken.
The solution is the message
that you're actually completely fine, exactly how you are.
And the way to communicate that message
is by emphasizing the unconditional nature
of any praise, love, value, support, acceptance.
It has to be unconditional,
because praise and acceptance, when I've got this mask,
I automatically attribute it
to what I've done, or what I've said,
or this other person that I've created, this character.
So if someone says, good job,
I think great, all I need to do is do a good job,
and then I'll be loved, accepted, and valued.
So this message of no matter what
is kind of like a mantra that needs
to be repeated and repeated and repeated and repeated.
And then eventually, hopefully, it will actually sink in,
and then a person can have a new belief,
instead of thinking I'm broken, I'm not okay,
the new belief is, those who really know me
love and accept me for who I am.
Even if I wasn't a success,
even if I wasn't good at fitting in,
even if I couldn't do all these things
that people are trying to help me to do,
that I might struggle with,
I would still be loved and valued and accepted.
And once that message has eventually sunk in,
that is the keystone, essentially,
from where everything else is built from.
Because if I have the self belief
that the people who really know me love and accept me,
then it's very easy to go out into the world
and face difficulty, and face rejection and face failure,
and all of these difficult things that might come my way,
and I know that it's not my fault,
it's not because I'm broken,
the reason these other people out there have rejected me
is because they have misunderstood me.
They don't really know me.
Because the people that really know me
love and accept and value me.
And you can see how that's exactly the opposite message
of believing that I'm broken
and believing that no matter how much
praise I get from other people,
it's not really valid, because if they really knew me,
they would find out that I'm broken.
So you can see that's completely opposite, there.
So what does this actually look like in real life?
What it looks like is acceptance
of what would normally be inappropriate behavior.
So I'll give you some examples
of how I might do that with my friends, for example.
My friends on the spectrum.
It means that when they
do something weird, and outside the box that would normally
elicit a negative social response, right,
because that's how we condition each other socially.
When someone makes a mistake, we withdraw
this love and acceptance, so they go,
oops, I shouldn't do that anymore.
That's just the human nature
of how we learn to be social with each other.
So when a friend of mine
does something completely inappropriate,
says something, does something,
my response to them is not
to withdraw my love and acceptance,
and say, well that was inappropriate,
you shouldn't have done that.
My first response has to be one of love and acceptance.
Saying,
wow, you do realize
how much you get away with when you're around me,
because I like you so much.
You are so crazy, and I love you for it.
You are so different than everybody else I know
in a completely inappropriate way a lot of the time,
and I love you for it.
If you did these things around some other people,
they might have a different reaction.
But because I really know you, because I understand you,
I know that that's just who you are,
and that's great.
I want to know exactly who you are.
I want you to have the freedom
to not have to be someone else when you're around me.
If I tell someone off socially
for doing certain things
they're going to feel like they're not allowed
to do those things around me.
So what I wanna do is repeat this message of,
unconditionally, I don't care what you do,
I don't care what you say.
I am going, nothing you can do can make me love you less,
is a phrase that I like.
And if someone believes that message,
that nothing they can do will make you love them less,
then that's a very relaxing message.
It allows them to take off this mask,
and actually have the vulnerability
to show you who they really are,
who they're worried will be rejected
because everyone else has rejected this person in the past.
And then finally, getting acceptance for that true self
can spark this belief that it's actually okay,
people who really know me do love and accept me.
Maybe I'm not broken.
And that is a very very powerful thing
to someone on the spectrum.
The realization that you are not broken.
And then a last little bit that I'll add is
once you have this belief, you can then come full circle
and actually help to teach these skills of how to fit in.
Because if I believe that the people
who know me most love and accept me,
then I can go, great, I can learn how to put on this mask,
how to dress up, and be socially appropriate,
and all of these things,
for those other people that don't really know me.
And I can get along well in the world,
and I can have a great mask, and I can be a success,
and I know I'm not a fraud.
Because I know that everyone else does this too.
Every time people do their hair in the mirror
and get dressed up, and that,
that's a socially projected persona that they are creating
because that's what works in society.
So I can teach someone how to do those things
knowing that the success or failure of learning those skills
like looking someone in the eye, or sitting still,
is not what makes you loved, and valued, and accepted.
It's just a skill that helps you get along in the world
with people who don't really know you
and might not unconditionally love,
and value, and accept you.
Okay. (laughing)
I hope that made sense.
I'm clearly very passionate about this topic.
If you have any other questions,
let me know in the comments.
And if you would like to have your say
in next month's Patron's Choice video,
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So please consider that.
Otherwise, yeah, I think that's it,
and I will see you next time.
Bye.
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