-Well, gang, I cannot tell you how wonderful it is
to have everyone together for the holidays.
-We are so lucky to have two beautiful boys --
sorry, men --
and there is so much to be thankful for this Christmas.
-Here, here. -We love our little family.
-Ah.
And...
we have an extra reason to celebrate.
Did you guys see in the news about this giant breakthrough
with nuclear fusion? -Dad.
-No, no. Let me brag.
Our Benjamin here is one of the scientist in the lab
that did the experiment.
-[ Gasps ] No way!
-Benjamin, you're part of the nuclear fusion team?
-Just a small part.
-No, don't be modest, Benjamin.
He operated 192 lasers
that fused hydrogen atoms together.
-Ooh.
-That's very impressive, Benjamin.
-Mom, it's really a team effort and we're building on
years of existing technology and research.
-I do stuff too!
[ Laughing ]
Benjamin's not the only one that does stuff.
I do stuff too.
-Yes, of course you do, honey.
We're just -- we're congratulating your brother
because this is a big moment for him.
I mean, this could power the entire world
with clean energy.
-I mean, do you even know
how many pizzas I delivered yesterday?
How many mouths I fed?
No, because you don't even care that I deliver pizzas.
-Well, that's great too, Edgar.
-Yeah, pizza's really cool. Good job, Edgar.
-Yeah, except, well, honey, the pizza place called
and said you actually didn't deliver any of the pizzas.
-I got lost, okay?
The houses were on different streets and I got confused.
Sorry I don't have 192 lasers to do my job for me.
-Well, I'm just surprised they let you drive again
after that sixth DUI.
-They didn't.
I had to take Ubers between the pizza shop and the houses.
I lost so much money and you guys don't even care.
-It's okay, pal. We know you're trying your best.
We're just acknowledging that your brother was part of
a huge scientific breakthrough.
-Oh, so he creates a little energy and he's a hero?
But I sell tons of ketamine and I'm a criminal?
-Edgar's right, I'm not a hero.
I was just doing my job -- my job as an astrophysicist.
-Yeah, yeah, and he's not Mr. Perfect either.
Look, he's drinking.
-Well, he's having one glass of red wine.
You've had 10 beers.
-That you know of.
-Edgar!
What has gotten into you?
-This family never appreciates me.
I'm up every day at 5:00 AM.
-Yeah, to pee, and then you go back to sleep until 11:00.
-You guys never went to any of my soccer games!
-Because you got cut on the first day.
You kept picking up the ball with your hands
and throwing it in your own goal.
-Then you yelled, "This sport is for filthy South Americans,"
and you keyed your coach's car!
-You see? Nothing I ever do is good enough.
I interned on movie sets, and you never supported me.
-Those were pornos! You interned on pornos.
-Well, they need coffee, too.
Maybe even more than regular actors.
-Edgar, I think you're just a little jealous.
-Of what?
His dumb, perfect jawline and his sparkly blue eyes?
Be honest, who's actually hotter, me or Benjamin?
-Benjamin.
-Okay, fine, but who's smarter? -Benjamin!
I mean, I'm sorry, honey, but he just is.
-Alright, fine! But can Benjamin do this?
-I, uh...
I don't think you quite did it, bud.
-Yeah, the leg is supposed to go through the other leg.
-And I'm sorry, I'm noticing that you're wearing a diaper?
-To save time.
So I don't have to be
constantly going back and forth to the bathroom.
God, nothing I ever do is good enough.
-Alright, alright, enough. Edgar is right.
[ Sentimental music playing ] We don't appreciate him,
because he is stupid
but he didn't have it so easy growing up.
Not a lot of kids get kicked in the head by three horses.
-I thought it was just one.
-Oh, no, it was three. They took turns.
-And you know what, maybe he can't deliver pizzas
or operate a microwave.
Maybe he never graduated college
or kindergarten.
Maybe he's banned from the zoo for biting a flamingo,
-It raised its leg at me and...
-Maybe he's a lost cause and we should just abandon him
forever.
-Love it! Problem solved.
-Or... -Damn it.
-Maybe he's just inert, like a hydrogen atom,
and all he needs is the right laser
to just split him open
and unleash the incredible potential that's locked inside.
Because no matter what people say,
I say he's my brother.
-Well, adopted.
-What?
That's it. Forget this family. I'm out of here!
[ Groans ]
-Ow.
-Did you just try to jump out the window
and miss the window?
-That's it.
We're finishing this once and for all, Benjamin!
Go ahead, I'll even let you get the first --
-[ Sighs ]
-So how many lasers was it again?
-Um, 192.
[ Applause ]