Noah’s been cramped up in a floating zoo for nearly a year.
To find out how he got there and why Dinkleberry drowned the planet in the first place, check
out Noah’s Ark Part 1.
Dinkleberry didn’t think ahead when creating the planet.
And after just a few short years, everything went south.
For the next 40 days and nights, Dinkleberry drown-murders everything.
Pandas check.
Babies check.
Trees double check.
In fact, the change in water pressure, temperature, PH level, and salt content obliterated the
underwater habitats as well - killing enough fish to put Long John Silver’s out of business.
Noah’s boat was the only one that floated and held together, which is amazing considering
the rickety old thing contained millions of tons of animals, food, and water.
But besides the creatures on Noah’s boat, did anything else survive the food?
Noah stayed busy keeping the termites and woodpeckers away from the side of the boat,
and shoveling 9 million pounds of poo out the one window.
He could have saved himself some headache if he’d just brought a few millions dung
beetles to help out.
Fortunately for everyone, Dinkleberry didn’t get a burnt offering fix that year.
With all that methane on board, they would have all lit up like a giant fart!
At 30,000 ft up, it was super freakin’ cold.
Which was great news for the penguins, not so much for the meerkats and camels.
Once the genocide bit was done, Dinkleberry sent a strong wind to blow back the water.
It lasted for 150 days, and while it somehow didn’t cause a massive ark-crushing storm,
it was strong enough to push all the water over the edge of the earth.
Did I mention that the world was flat back then?
The boat floats around nicely for a while before lodging itself on a mountain top.
They chill up there for a few weeks, till Noah finally sends out a couple of bird-scouts
to look for land.
One comes back with an olive branch because apparently olive tree’s had gills back then
and could survive a half a year underwater.
With almost no view available from the one window, Noah takes off the roof of the boat
to look around, and sure enough, the land is almost dry.
Yeah.
He literally takes off the roof.
It says so in Genesis.
All of the plants had been destroyed by now (except for olive trees), and the animals
had to make it back to their natural habitats with nothing to eat but olives, which would
have been ok, but they’d all died of methane poisoning while onboard the boat.
There was almost no ventilation after all.
So Dinkleberry had to recreate plants and animals anyways.
Unfortunately, he ran out of mana by the time he got around to making the dinosaurs again.
Dinkleberry could finally start over with a clean slate!
Well… not quite.
Remember the Nephelim?
Those human/giant crossbreeds that were the reason Dink destroyed the freakin’ planet,
in the first place?
Somehow they survived.
We’ll hear more about the them in our Jericho video.
But, being the prepared, omniscient boy scout that he was, Dinkleberry knew that his reboot-flood
plan would fail, so he kept all the parasites, plagues, and diseases alive as backup sin
punishments.
Noah hangs out on the boat for a couple months longer before finally exiting the Ark.
He must have been having a really good time.
It’s not every day that you get to hang out with a bunch of dead animals on a boat.
Emerging from his boat, he slaughters and burns some of the few remaining animals.
Now, Dink really digs the smell of his barbecue, and he leaves Noah a rainbow as a reminder
of all the fun they had.
This really helped spice the planet up a little, since it was drearily dull with all of the
gays gone!
Dinkleberry decides it’s finally time to retract his curse on man (which was technically
a curse on the ground), but not his curse on women, because he still hated their ever-living
guts.
Too bad Noah’s wife didn’t burn a goat!
Dinkleberry swears not to genocide by flood again, which may seem like a nice post-genocide
promise, but he never said anything about fire!
A bit ashamed of his killing spree, Dinkleberry decides to destroy the evidence, making this
the only flood completely undetectable in the geological record.
He carefully layered out the fossil record and created plate tectonics, so that confused
scientists would attribute fish fossils on mountain tops to previously submerged subducting
plates, rather than a global flood.
And with everybody dead, the ark’s survivors had to have tons of incest to boost their
numbers, but Dink magically diversified their gene pools making this also undetectable in
our genetic record, except for with the cheetahs.
He hated the cheetahs because they were incredibly gay.
No, like, they actually are.
They weren’t even supposed to make it on the ark, but they were too damn fast to keep
out.
Most of the other gay animals were wiped out completely, including the Fabulosaurus Rex.
Noah emerges to a soggy, barren wasteland covered in bodies.
He plants a vineyard, and gets utterly smashed.
You probably would too if your God drowned all your friends and left you alone on a mountain
top.
His son, Ham, walks in on him while he’s lying there drunk and naked and he laughs
at his penis.
Even though Ham’s one of only three fertile men left alive (Fargblutt had a bad case of
Chlamydia).
Noah curses the crap out of him, wishing slavery on his own son!
But it was righteous anger!
Which made it ok.
When Noah finally sobers up, he’s misplaced the ark.
He wonders if the whole thing was just a dream, but passes the story down through the generations
just in case, and a millennium later, some unknown author wrote it down.
So much for Dinkleberry’s cover-up attempts!
The story Noah told his grandkids was that he was a righteous man who he got to spend
a year suffocating, packed like a sardine in a tiny, pitch-black box with no fresh food,
sex, or fresh air, surrounded by animal farts, feces, howling, squealing, growling, and wailing.
He even told them about his horrific allergies!
He got no exercise, and the cramps were out of this world, but it was absolutely glorious,
because Dink drowned the ever living daylights out of his mother in law!
Woohoo!
At least, that was the biblical story of the Ark according to Noah.
Here’s what really happened.
Dinkleberry got a bit drunk on Jesus’ blood and decided to pull a prank on the old man
down the street, Noah.
Jesus and Dink told him a giant flood was coming and he had to build a massive boat
and save the planet.
They had no idea he actually would.
But after he did, they felt kinda bad, so they flooded the world just to play along
with it and not hurt the poor, old man’s feelings.
Whichever account is true, it worked out for Noah in the end, and if you worship Dinkleberry,
everything will work out for you too.
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