Glory to the empire and to this video's sponsor Skillshare!
Uh-oh.
None of the hunky male characters have a shirt on.
This must mean that Terrible Writing Advice is finally covering Alpha Males.
No, not the kind that pickup artists claim they can make you into if only you buy their
book titled Gaslighting and Negging for Dummies.
No.
The other kind of fictional Alpha Male, the one frequently featured in romance novels.
You know, the one women are actually interested in.
Now, some may wonder why an author like myself that specializes in cheese-ball speculative
fiction has any right to barge in and tell romance writers how to do their job.
Well you see, since I’m the alphaest of all alpha males, It is clear that I can offer
writers key insight in the character of a hunky, take charge man.
And as such I have descended from on high to humbly share my boundless wisdom with the
lesser romance writers.
Yes.
Those little romance authors with their tiny tiny share of the market.
Such a small slice of the pie, not like the piece of humble pie I’m going to have to
wolf down when I see their sales figures.
Now with my smug dismissal of an entire genre out of the way, let’s dig in to making our
hunky alpha male!
We should start with something interesting and meaningful that speaks to the core essence
of the character as a starting point.
Something deep and thoughtful.
And by that I mean his looks.
The rest we can figure out later.
It is important to describe the attractive appearance of the alpha pretty much constantly
as well as come up with increasing contrived reasons for him to never wear a shirt.
He oils his abs for hobby for some reason.
His abs are so important that they frequently take up the entire book cover.
Remember, in the alpha club no dad bods are allowed!
Now eventually a writer might find themselves struggling to come up with good descriptive
prose for the alpha.
When this occurs, the romance writer should ratchet up the descriptions to the next level
with purple prose!
If the reader couldn’t guess the alpha from the ten paragraph long description when everyone
else got a sentence, then I’m sure they’ll be able to spot him when the story starts
battering them in the face with metaphors and similes.
What other attractive features can we give our alpha?
Well according to some romance novels I’ve read, the most attractive quality a man can
have is to be a domestic abuser with control issues.
Did the heroine leave the room for 5 seconds, well our alpha should throw a temper tantrum
because she was out of his control for a few precious moments.
You see, he loves her so much that he can’t stand to be without her.
At least that’s the version he will use at his court proceedings.
Even when part of the story is told from his POV, every waking thought should be focused
his love interest even as his multi-billion dollar company’s stocks plummet to neglect.
His singular drive to possess the love interest should be glamorized even if it crosses the
line into creepy harassment.
I mean it’s okay when he does it because he’s attractive.
Another completely positive and healthy behavior that should be tolerated from our alpha is
a his drive to control every aspect of the love interest’s life.
He should use his power and authority as leverage to get what he wants in spite of the love
interest’s obvious protests.
This extremely healthy and positive behavior should never be commented upon by all the
other side characters.
Blackmail?
It’s okay because he’s attractive.
Threatening violence?
It’s okay because he’s attractive.
Just out right abducting her and dragging her down into his dungeon?
It’s okay because... wait that really happens in these books?
Any and all reprehensible actions the alpha takes can be dismissed either by his good
looks or a really good round of grovelling.
A good alternative is to justify his jerkish behavior with a traumatic backstory.
See, if I robbed a bank, all I would half to do is to explain to the police that I was
bullied when I was younger and all would be forgiven.
That’s exactly how that works.
Past trauma should be wielded against the love interest in order to pacify their criticism,
not be used as a way to explore a character’s traits.
Why use trauma to explain behavior when we can use to excuse behavior?
Or, you know, just ignore the alpha’s bad behavior completely with no explanation whatsoever.
I think I’ll do that.
Okay.
What do we have so far?
Our alpha is a compulsive blackmailing stalker with control issues, a short temper, and equipped
with near unlimited resources at this disposal that he will utilized to harass and manipulate
the love interest until they fall into his clutches.
Um.
You know, let me the check the episode title again just to be sure.
Nope.
Still alpha males.
I was worried I got this script mixed up with one on villains.
Maybe I just need to focus on the fact that this alpha is a bit of a fixer upper.
I am sure the affection of the love interest will be far more effective at treating these
deep seated flaws.
Even the ones that require a physician to diagnose, are likely genetic, and need a highly
specific drug dosage for proper and effective treatment.
Yeah I think true love with substitute for all of that.
Now the love interest being a positive influence in the alpha’s life is a powerful form of
wish fulfillment.
And like all wish fulfillment, it works best when used in excess and without thought.
Yes people normally have to marshal the willpower to change themselves and other people in their
lives can act as a catalyst for change, but no our love interest is so special that the
alpha will do a complete 180 in personality just for them.
The love interest is so special that he will instantly stop sleeping around and forgo his
rakish exploits.
Does he have a reason to stop this highly rewarding negative behavior that he has suffered
no repercussions for?
What special quality does the love interest have that could make our alpha settle for
a single partner?
Well the love interest has a special quality that is more priceless than anything else
in the setting’s fictional universe, the power of the author’s favoritism!
But is author favoritism enough for a convincing story?
No.
We need to add a bit more to our alpha to make him a bit more believable.
I know.
We’ll make our alpha a billionaire highlander werewolf sheikh.
And um, I guess I’ll give him a noble title as well.
I’m sure all those will substitute for an actual personality.
Does our alpha have any hobbies?
Does he have any thoughts that are not about the love interest?
Does he have any internal life at all that doesn’t revolve around the romance plot?
We can’t delve too much into the alpha’s internal life though because it would spoil
his mystique of dangerous mystery that I am using to veil the lack of details I actually
have written on him.
Mystery can be a good hook for an audience and painting the alpha’s actions in broad
strokes can allow a reader to project whatever they want onto him.
That’s why I’m going to leave him so brooding and mysterious that there is just nothing
solid for a reader to get a hold on.
Because if one cracks open an alpha male and the only thing inside is a bunch of fulfillment
then the writer can feel good about a job well done.
Why flesh out an actual character when we can make our alpha a real man who takes what
he wants because he knows what he wants.
He is a giant among men and has the best of everything.
Lesser men are cowed at the mere presence of an alpha, his natural charisma making all
those around him fall into line.
He is truly like an alpha wolf that takes the best and leaves scraps for the rest.
He always gets what he wants because he doesn’t care about how other people feel.
Like a sociopath!
Um.
I mean it’s not like the entire concept of an alpha male was based on shaky research
conducted on captive wolf packs and that wild packs have much more complicated pack dynamics
more closely resembling a family unit with the alphas as caretakers ensuring the entire
pack prospers, not just the alphas.
But hey, we don’t have to worry about any of that.
It’s just the romance genre.
We don’t have to think critically about it.
Just stuff the alpha with so much wish fulfillment that he becomes a bloated monstrosity.
Kind of like most romance author’s sales figures.
EMPEROR: Legions of the empire!
Our forces now possess the key to victory!
We will crush the rebellion once and for all as well as conquer all of the other worlds
in the Terrible Writing Advice Expanded Universe!
Now that we have the power of this video’s sponsor Skillshare no one will stand in our
way as we...
Oh hang on.
I just got a tweet.
KNIGHT CAPTAIN: The Emperor just sold out the Evil Empire for a sponsorship! #notmyevilempire
EMPEROR: What?
GENERAL: Uh oh.
My Emperor, you must respond quickly to this threat.
If that hashtag starts trending…
EMPEROR: Yes yes.
I’ll have to make another apology video on top of the one about destroying too many
planets.
Let us do battle on twitter!
EMPEROR: What’s wrong with Skillshare?
It’s just an online community with thousands of classes in writing, design, business, and
more.
#imperialknowledge
KNIGHT: The evil empire used to stand for more than just corporate sponsorships.
Now it’s all about selling action figures of imperial troopers! #merchoverload
EMPEROR: You’re just jealous because we have access to a class on Sketchbook Illustration
for All along with a premium membership for unlimited access to Skillshare’s online
communities.
#empsknowsbest
EMPEROR: Reply.
The emperor commands you check out skl.sh/twa13 or click on the link in the description below.
For 2 months of Skillshare for free and an annual price of less than $10 a month after
that.
#theemperorcommands
KNIGHT CAPTAIN: Oh yeah? I’m gonna get the other knights and well start this hashag trending! #imperialsellouts
EMPEROR TWEET: @ImperialForceCommander!
Deploy our forces to twitter! #alertallcommandsdeploythefleet
COMMANDER: Yes sir! #brigadingbrigade
KNIGHT: NOOOOOOOO!!!! #NOOOOOOOOO