WELCOME ONE AND ALL TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. IT IS --
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) -- TODAY, IT IS EXACTLY ONE YEAR
SINCE JOE BIDEN STOOD ON THE CAPITOL STEPS
AND TOOK THE OATH OF OFFICE. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
IT SEEMS LIKE JUST YESTERDAY OUR DEMOCRACY WAS BEING HELD HOSTAGE
BY A CABAL OF OBSTRUCTIONISTS WHO DIDN'T WANT EVERY VOTE
COUNTED. OH, WAIT-- THAT WAS YESTERDAY.
NOW, BIDEN HASN'T ACCOMPLISHED EVERYTHING HE SET OUT TO DO.
NOT EVERYTHING. HE PROMISED NO MALARKEY, BUT
LAWYERS MADE HIM CHANGE IT TO "PRODUCED IN A FACILITY THAT
ALSO PROCESSES MALARKEY." ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) BIDEN IS DETERMINED TO LET THE
DOUBTERS KNOW HE WILL LAST ANOTHER YEAR, SO YESTERDAY HE
HELD A MARATHON TWO-HOUR PRESS CONFERENCE.
I SAY -- I SAY KUDOS TO HIM. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THE ONLY MARATHON MOST 79 YEAR OLDS COMPLETE IS ME -TV'S MONDAY
"MATLOCK" BLOCK. ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) QUALITY SHOW.
IN FACT, BIDEN WASN'T SCHEDULED TO GO THAT LONG, BUT YOU GOT TO
GIVE THE PEOPLE WHAT THEY WANT: >> OKAY.
WHOA, WHOA, WHOA. HANG ON, GUYS.
WE HAVE ONLY GONE AN HOUR AND 20 MINUTES; I WILL KEEP GOING, BUT
I AM GOING TO GO-- LET ME GET-- LET ME GET SOMETHING STRAIGHT
HERE. HOW LONG ARE YOU GUYS READY TO
GO? YOU WANT TO GO FOR ANOTHER HOUR
OR TWO? >> YES!
(CROSSTALK) >> OKAY.
I'M GOING TO GO-- I WILL TELL YOU WHAT, FOLKS.
I'M GOING TO GO ANOTHER 20 MINUTES.
UNTIL A QUARTER OF. OKAY.
>> STEPHEN: (AS BIDEN) "YOU WANT MORE JOE?
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I TELL YOU WHAT -- I TELL YOU
WHAT. OKAY.
THAT'S GOOD, BECAUSE, AS MY FRIEND COMMODORE LIONEL RICHIE
ONCE SAID, WE'RE GOING ALL NIGHT LONG.
ALL NIGHT, ALL NIGHT. ALL NIGHT LONG.
FOR THE NEXT 20 MINUTES. I'M 79.
I GOT TO PEE." ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) TODAY, BIDEN DID A LITTLE DAMAGE
CONTROL OVER SOME OF THE THINGS HE SAID YESTERDAY ABOUT THE
LOOMING RUSSIAN INVASION OF UKRAINE.
IF YOU HAVEN'T BEEN PAYING ATTENTION-- FOR WEEKS, RUSSIAN
PRESIDENT VLADIMIR PUTIN HAS BEEN MASSING TROOPS ON UKRAINE'S
BORDER BECAUSE... WELL, WE REALLY DON'T KNOW.
ONE ADVISER TO THE KREMLIN WHO WAS ASKED WHAT PUTIN WAS TRYING
TO ACCOMPLISH REPLIED, "THE EXPERT OPINION THAT I CAN
AUTHORITATIVELY DECLARE IS: WHO THE HECK KNOWS?"
( LAUGHTER ) THIS MAY LEAD TO WORLD WAR III.
"THIS IS THE WAY THE WORLD ENDS. NOT WITH A BANG, BUT WITH AN
'I DUNNO?'" ( LAUGHTER )
BUT WHEN ASKED WHAT PUTIN WAS GOING TO DO, BIDEN WASN'T NEARLY
SO VAGUE. >> MY GUESS IS HE WILL MOVE IN.
HE HAS TO DO SOMETHING. >> STEPHEN: "HE HAS TO DO
SOMETHING?" I'D HATE TO SEE JOE AS A HOSTAGE
NEGOTIATOR. (AS BIDEN)
"WHY DON'T WE ALL CALM DOWN AND YOU JUST LET EVERYONE GO, OKAY?
OR SHOOT THE HOSTAGES. BUT YOU GOT TO DO SOMETHING!
(LOOKS AT WATCH) I WNT TO BE HOME IN TIME FOR
MATLOCK." ( PIANO RIFF )
LOT OF PROPS TONIGHT. HERE'S THE THING --
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) AND HERE'S THE THING:
LAST WEEK, ADMINISTRATION OFFICIALS TOLD REPORTERS THAT
THERE WOULD BE NO DISTINCTION MADE BETWEEN A SMALL INCURSION
INTO THE RUSSIAN-SPEAKING PART OF UKRAINE AND AN ALL -OUT
INVASION. BUT, BIDEN BEGGED TO DIFFER:
>> IT'S ONE THING IF IT'S A MINOR INCURSION, AND THEN WE END
UP HAVING TO FIGHT ABOUT WHAT TO DO AND NOT DO, ET CETERA.
>> STEPHEN: YOU CAN'T TELL THEM THAT A LITTLE BIT IS OKAY.
THERE'S A REASON NANCY REAGAN'S ANTI-DRUG CAMPAIGN WASN'T:
"JUST SAY NO. UNLESS IT'S YOUR COUSIN'S
WEDDING. A LITTLE BUMP OF COKE IN THE
BATHROOM'S NOT GOING TO KILL YA. YOLO."
( APPLAUSE ) IT'S YOUR COUSIN'S WEDDING!
COME ON, WE'LL DANCE! WE'LL DANCE!
BIDEN DID HAVE A WARNING, SORT OF:
>> I THINK HE WILL PAY A SERIOUS AND DEAR PRICE FOR IT, THAT HE
DOESN'T THINK NOW WILL COST HIM WHAT IT'S GOING TO COST HIM.
AND I THINK HE WILL REGRET HAVING DONE IT.
>> STEPHEN: I WOULDN'T SAY REGRET IS A BIG CONCERN FOR A
MAN WHO SHOWS THIS MUCH NIPPLE. ( AUDIENCE REACTS )
( APPLAUSE ) YOU CAN USE HIM AS ONE OF THOSE
SPRINGY DOOR STOPS. BRRRR.
CAT PLAYS WITH HIM. ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) BIDEN THEN SPELLED OUT THAT
RUSSIA CAN'T AFFORD THE SANCTIONS HE WOULD IMPOSE IF
THEY INVADED. >> EVERYBODY TALKS ABOUT HOW
RUSSIA HAS CONTROL OVER THE ENERGY SUPPLY THAT EUROPE
ABSORBS. WELL, GUESS WHAT?
THAT MONEY THAT THEY EARN MAKES IT ABOUT 45% OF THE ECONOMY.
I DON'T SEE THAT AS ONE-WAY STREET.
THEY GO AHEAD AND CUT IT OFF? IT'S LIKE MY MOTHER USED TO SAY:
YOU ARE BITING YOUR NOSE OFF TO SPITE YOUR FACE.
>> STEPHEN: PRETTY SURE THE EXPRESSION IS "CUT" OFF YOUR
NOSE TO SPITE YOUR FACE. NOT SURE IT'S EVEN POSSIBLE TO
BITE OFF YOUR OWN NOSE. AY-YA!
( APPLAUSE ) OF COURSE, MAMA BIDEN WAS LOADED
WITH FOLKSY SAYINGS, LIKE "TIME FLIES WHEN YOU THROW A
WATCH." ( LAUGHTER )
"ABSENCE MAKES THE HEART GROW FUNGU."
AND, "A BIRD IN THE HAND IS WORTH TWO UP THE BUTT."
( LAUGHTER ) THAT ONE'S TRUE.
THAT ONE'S TRUE. THERE IS ALSO NEWS ABOUT
THE FORMER PRESIDENT, TYRANT-A-SORE-ASS-WRECK.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) LAST NIGHT, THE SUPREME COURT
REJECTED HIS BID TO WITHHOLD DOCUMENTS FROM THE JANUARY 6
COMMITTEE BY A VOTE OF 8 TO 1. (HUGE CHEER)
HE LOST AGAIN! HE'S LOSING SO MUCH, HE'S GOING
TO GET TIRED OF LOSING. ( LAUGHTER )
NO SURPRISE THE SUPREMES REJECTED HIS ARGUMENT.
THE FORMER PRESIDENT WANTED TO USE EXECUTIVE PRIVILEGE TO KEEP
THE JANUARY 6 DOCUMENTS SECRET, EVEN THOUGH PRESIDENT BIDEN
DECLINED TO INVOKE EXECUTIVE PRIVILEGE OVER THEM.
HE WANTED SOME SORT OF "EX"-EXECUTIVE PRIVILEGE.
SORRY, THE ONLY PRIVILEGES FORMER PRESIDENTS ARE ENTITLED
TO ARE FREE PADDLE-BOARD RENTALS, 20% OFF AT MICHAEL'S
CRAFTS, AND DISCOUNTS ON JIMMY AND ROZ CARTER'S AMAZING
SHRINKING POWDER. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THAT'S NOT PHOTOSHOPPED. THAT'S NOT --
>> Jon: HONEY, I SHRUNK THE KIDS!
>> Stephen: WITHIN HOURS OF THE DECISION,
THE NATIONAL ARCHIVES BEGAN TURNING OVER HUNDREDS OF PAGES
OF DOCUMENTS TO THE COMMITTEE. ( APPLAUSE )
AND THEY ARE GETTING SOME JUICY STUFF.
AMONG THE JANUARY 6 MATERIAL THE EX-PRESIDENT WANTED TO KEEP
SECRET? PROPOSED TALKING POINTS FOR
KAYLEIGH MCENANY, A DRAFT TEXT OF A PRESIDENTIAL SPEECH FOR THE
"SAVE AMERICA" RALLY THAT PRECEDED THE MOB ATTACK, AND A
HANDWRITTEN NOTE CONCERNING JANUARY 6TH.
NOW, WE DON'T KNOW WHO WROTE THE NOTE.
ALL WE KNOW, IS IT WAS WRITTEN ON A BURGER WRAPPER.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT THERE'S NO WAY OF KNOWING,
JON. >> Jon: NO WAY.
>> Stephen: NO WAY OF KNOWING WHO WROTE THAT.
>> Jon: IT'S HARD TO TELL. >> Stephen: BUT IT'S NOT ALL
GOOD NEWS FROM WASHINGTON. LAST NIGHT, THE DEMOCRATS CAME
UP SHORT ON A LAST-DITCH EFFORT TO ADVANCE THE VOTING RIGHTS
BILL. HERE'S THE CRAZY PART--
SENATE DEMOCRATS, WHO HAVE A MAJORITY, UNANIMOUSLY SUPPORTED
THE BILL. BUT TO PASS IT, THEY NEEDED TO
WIN A SEPARATE VOTE TO CHANGE THE FILIBUSTER RULES, WHICH
FAILED. THANKS TO TWO WHO VOTED AGAINST
IT: DEMOCRATIC SENATORS AN --
( BOOING ) -- DEMOCRATIC SENATORS AND
REPUBLICAN SENATORS, JOE MANCHIN AND KYRSTEN SINEMA.
SO, THEY SUPPORTED THE VOTING RIGHTS BILL, BUT THEY WERE
UNWILLING TO DO WHAT IT TAKES TO PASS IT.
IF THAT MAKES YOU MAD, YOU'RE IN GOOD COMPANY, BECAUSE LAST
NIGHT, SENATOR BERNIE SANDERS BROUGHT THE HEAT TO THE MEAT.
>> IF YOU THINK THIS BILL MAKES SENSE, AND IF YOU'RE WORRIED
ABOUT THE FUTURE OF AMERICAN DEMOCRACY, AND IF YOU ARE
PREPARED TO VOTE FOR THE BILL, THEN WHY ARE YOU WASTING
EVERYBODY'S TIME AND NOT VOTING FOR THE RULE CHANGE THAT ALLOWS
US TO PASS THE BILL? ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
YOU KNOW, IT'S LIKE INVITING SOMEBODY TO LUNCH, PUTTING OUT A
GREAT SPREAD, AND SAYING YOU CAN'T EAT.
>> STEPHEN: (AS BERNIE) "IT'S HAPPENED TO ME MANY TIMES.
YOU ARRIVE FOR THE EVENT, AND THEY SAY THE LUNCHEON TABLE
OPENS AFTER THE SPEAKERS-- THEN WHY LAY OUT THE COLD CUTS?
AND WHY AM I SEEING A CHEAP SUPERMARKET DELI TRAY?
THE WORKING PEOPLE OF THIS COUNTRY DESERVE NO LESS THAN
FRESHLY-CUT ZABAR'S PASTRAMI-- LEAN!
YOUR CHOICE OF MILD OR SPICY MUSTARD.
TWO SOUPS-- ONE LENTIL, ONE CREAM!
AND NO PAPER PLATES! IT'S A SHONDA!"
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) IT'S A SHONDA!"
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
WHERE IS MY SOUP! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF ) NOW, SINEMA AND MANCHIN DON'T
DESERVE ALL OF THE RAGE. LUCKILY, THERE'S PLENTY LEFT
OVER FOR THE LEADER OF THE ANTI-VOTER COALITION, SENATE
MINORITY LEADER AND SLOPPY FIRST ATTEMPT AT A PANCAKE WITH
BLUEBERRY EYES, MITCH MCCONNELL. YESTERDAY, MCCONNELL WAS ASKED
ABOUT HIS REASONS FOR OPPOSING VOTER PROTECTIONS, AND MADE A
VERY TELLING DISTINCTION ABOUT THE WAY HE CATEGORIZES VOTERS.
>> WHAT'S YOUR MESSAGE FOR VOTERS OF COLOR WHO ARE
CONCERNED THAT, WITHOUT THE JOHN L. LEWIS VOTING RIGHTS ACT,
THEY'RE NOT GOING TO BE ABLE TO VOTE IN THE MIDTERMS?
>> WELL, THE CONCERN IS MISPLACED BECAUSE, IF YOU LOOK
AT THE STATISTICS, AFRICAN AMERICAN VOTERS ARE VOTING AT
JUST AS HIGH OF A PERCENTAGE AS AMERICANS.
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) >> STEPHEN: WOW.
HOW EMBARRASSING... THAT IT CAME OUT EXACTLY HOW HE
MEANT IT. ( LAUGHTER )
DESPITE WHAT STONEWALL MCCONNELL SAYS, THERE ARE A LOT OF
PROBLEMS WITH ACCESS TO THE POLLS.
TAKE TEXAS. THE LEAGUE OF WOMEN VOTERS IN
HOUSTON REQUESTED 16,000 VOTER REGISTRATION FORMS BEFORE THE
MARCH PRIMARY, BUT THE TEXAS SECRETARY OF STATE'S OFFICE
REFUSED, CLAIMING IT HAS ONLY A LIMITED AMOUNT OF VOTER
REGISTRATION APPLICATIONS DUE TO SUPPLY CHAIN ISSUES INCREASING
THE COST OF PAPER. OKAY.
THEN PRINT IT ON SOMETHING TEXAS DOES HAVE, LIKE GUNS OR GIANT
TOAST. ( LAUGHTER )
THE SECRETARY OF STATE'S OFFICE GAVE THE LEAGUE AN OPTION,
SAYING "WE HAVE OFFERED A COPY OF THE PRINT-READY P.D. F.S TO
YOUR ORGANIZATION SO THAT THEY CAN PRINT THE DESIRED QUANTITY."
SO, A CHARITY IS RESPONSIBLE FOR PROVIDING A BASIC GOVERNMENTAL
FUNCTION? WELL, IT IS TEXAS, WHERE THE
HIGHWAY SIGNS SAY "ROAD ENDS, B.Y.O. BRIDGE."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
MY GUESTS ARE DIONNE WARWICK AND DAVID CROSS.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, SEXY ANDY.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( BAND PLAYING )