Hey guys! In this week's video i'll be sharing with you guys the emotional process of divorce
the best way to describe this is by taking you guys through the five stages of grief or the five
stages of divorce which kind of generalize the typical emotions that one will experience when
they go through this process i'm about three and a half years post-separation however it took me
an entire year to get my divorce finalized so it's been some time for me and i've gone through this
experience and fully healed from it so i want to share with you guys my experience and how i went
through these stages so the first stage is denial this is the difficulty accepting that divorce is
about to happen for you it's usually the rejection of thoughts and feelings and the refusal to accept
that a new reality is soon to come this is the stage that i dwelled in for the longest time
i probably spent eight to 12 months dwelling in disbelief disbelieved that i had a failed marriage
i was in disbelief that i couldn't control and fix my own marriage i was in disbelief that something
like this is happening to me and what i wish i didn't do was numb the pain by delaying reality
by delaying my future and just not getting it over with i sat in my feelings of not wanting to feel
anything for so long that it ended up hurting me at the end denial is one of the stages where you
have to consciously decide to move forward without that mental decision it will never happen and for
me i didn't realize that till the very end if you're going through the denial phase right now
you have to admit to yourself what is working and what's not also be patient with yourself it takes
a while for some it may take six months for some it may only take six days there's no timeline for
any of this so don't push yourself don't be too aggressive and don't beat yourself over it just
acknowledge that at one point you're going to have to accept the reality so the sooner the better
but if it's taking you some time be patient with yourself the second stage is anger this is the not
so pretty stage because this is when both parties start blaming labeling name-calling pointing
fingers raging dissecting the marriage into a million pieces to figure out whose fault and
whose mistake it was four years ago this is when things can start becoming really hostile maybe
even abusive and violent this is really the stage where all the emotions start to get unleashed
because in the denial stage they were pretty much suppressed and you were feeling numb at that time
one of the biggest tips i can give when somebody is going through this stage is that words matter
and words hurt i remember when i was going through this phase there was so many name calling and so
much blaming that was between both parties that things were said out of line and things were said
that were so hurtful that i still remember till this day so if you're going through this right
now i want to remind you guys to hold on to your tongue don't just say something to
hurt someone temporarily because you never know what lasting impact it might have on their lives
and divorce is already traumatic as it is and adding on an extra layer of either abuse or verbal
abuse or anything of that sort can be so damaging and you don't want to be that cause of damage
for somebody so be kind i know it's so hard to be kind to somebody when they're doing you wrong and
they're stepping all over you but god is watching he is fair and karma is real the third stage is
bargaining and i'm laughing a little bit because i like to refer to the stage as the playing game
stage this is when guilt and remorse starts to settle in and both parties start to mentally
realize like oh crap this is happening what did i just do and second guess their decision so the
leaver who's the person who decides to leave the marriage starts to think well did i make the right
decision or not and the levy who's the person who's getting left behind starts to think well
how can i win this person over one last time and it becomes this mental game of constantly trying
to negotiate or think of alternate scenarios to make things work and usually at this point
it's all a bit too late you're either probably already filed for divorce or you're probably
well into separation at this point personally for me the bargaining phase became this brutal
stage of mental voices in my head constantly telling me well what if you did it this way
well what if you spoke to him this way well what if you tried that and i started to analyze every
single deed and action and word through my five years of marriage and i tried to backtrack and
try to pinpoint at what point did i lose him at what point did he stop loving me and it was so
brutal for my mental health looking back i really wish i could tell myself take responsibility for
what you did for what's been done for what he did and just move on i think the best advice
i can give here is take responsibility if you did something wrong it's not too late now go apologize
ask for forgiveness yeah probably your marriage is not going to be prepared but you can still ask for
forgiveness and get that clean slate the fourth stage is depression this is usually the longest
and the most difficult period for a lot of people this is when reality sinks in and you realize that
nothing can be changed anymore and you take all that pain and frustration and numbness
and remorse and you turn it into this deep sorrow that kills you inside you go from having this
confident this companion this partner to now being completely lonely and it's so hard it's miserable
and it drains you i'm trying to think back how i felt when i was going through the depression
stage i definitely know it didn't last that long for me because like i mentioned i definitely spent
majority of my time in the denial stage where i was trying to hold on and not accept reality but i
do remember there was several months maybe three or four months where i felt really really sad
inside i closed myself off from everyone pretty much i wouldn't talk to any friends or family
you couldn't find me at any event i was only going to work and even then i would probably
leave between meetings and during lunch break to run into the bathroom and just cry and i remember
thinking to myself like oh my gosh i'm so lonely i will never find myself another partner again
nobody's gonna love me and i want you guys to know those are literally just thoughts in your own head
that's not reality you will find somebody so much more deserving of you somebody who will love you
you are more than capable of being loved and i really wish i heard those words when i was
going through that because in depression you don't want to show people that you're going through your
lowest points and it's important during this time to lean on a really good support system
and if you feel like you don't have friends and families that you want to talk to
it's important to find counseling in a therapist and get either medication or speak to somebody
that you feel comfortable with and you don't have to go through this alone sorry i'm like starting
to lose my voice now because i am a little bit sick but if you're in the depression phase right
now it's so easy to fall in this deep cycle of sorrow and depression and the best way to pull
yourself out of this is to find an outlet and the outlet could be anything anything that sparks
joy and creativity it could be working out arts and crafts music finding a new hobby literally
it could be anything even a quick little workout it releases endorphins and gets your mind going
and boosters your mood it's so important that you take care of yourself and you give yourself
self love and care that you deserve for me my outlet was blogging i started blogging full-time
i started making youtube videos i started creating lots of content and i found so much
joy in it it brought me so much fulfillment and it really did avoid that really big gap in my heart
i also started working out a ton i got myself a personal trainer and i started working out maybe
four to five times times a week it really got my mind off of my sadness and i found that the best
things that kept me out of my depressed cycle was things that i paid for that i had to show up for
because if i didn't show up then one i was losing money and two i was being held accountable for it
so things like finding a personal trainer last stage is acceptance you finally made it this is
when peace starts to settle in and you feel the sense of hope and joy for your future life you
start to see the light at the end of the tunnel and you think okay i've made it out alive and it
is really a beautiful experience although divorce can be so traumatic and detrimental to one's
mental health and even physical health at the end of it everything turns out to be okay i know for
me divorce was one of the things that took a huge toll on my confidence i was really dealing with a
lot of self-esteem issues but by the end of it i regained confidence in myself i was able to
stand on my two feet by myself again i was able to love myself again and that's the part that's
so beautiful that through all that trauma you come back a stronger and better person personally i was
able to take my divorce experience and turn it into something so beautiful because i get
to share with you guys now i get to help friends and family who is going through it i also learned
to love myself even more i have so much more respect for myself and i've gained so much
confidence after all of that and i want you guys to know that all of you guys will go through that
as well your time is coming you are deserving you will get love you will be able to love once again
and you will heal completely just give yourself time and it will happen for you last thing i want
to mention is if you feel any of these emotions i want you to know that they are normal allow
yourself to feel them and allow yourself time to heal so i hope all you guys make it through all
of my prayers and well wishes are with you guys i really hope you guys found this video helpful
so yeah i really hope you guys enjoyed this video and i'll see you guys in my next one bye