It's not funny!
I'm glad you've got the grace to laugh,
because it's not funny, two-faced b*******.
You should be ashamed.
-Don't start with me. -But I do like you.
She'll get it with both barrels.
Two-faced!
-Don't start. -Oh, shut your face.
-Don't start with me. -If you start, I'll finish.
Because you will get back truck loads, dear.
You're a horrible, horrible b****.
Oh, I know, but I don't care.
-It's going down well, isn't it? -It's a cracker.
Hello, everybody!
I'm The Vivienne and I'm so, so, so excited
because I have a legend on my couch today:
Kim Woodburn!
We are queens you like to watch.
Today, my love, we are watching Too Hot To Handle,
which is basically a show about a load of gorgeous people
in a villa on an island.
It's bums, t***, d**** and suggestions. Sexual intercourse.
Yeah, but the twist is
they're not allowed to have sex
and if they do anything, even kiss,
then they'll lose money from the prize fund.
I spent all that money on Drag Race, won,
didn't win a penny and all they've got to do is
not have a shag for two weeks.
You could go without sex.
You'd have to go to the toilet and have a little do with yourself.
No, no. Now, stop it.
-What, like a little-- -You're not a virgin.
The boys, I mean.
Do you ever pass a men's toilet in the pub and all you can hear is...?
I don't know what pubs you go to, Kim.
I can assure you they're very refined.
You'd know your own s*** best.
No, but no...
For one hundred thousand, I don't know about you,
I'd abstain.
No one owns me. I own me.
Because I'm a firecracker.
I'd say you're a firecracker, Kim.
Shut up.
I do have limits in the bedroom.
Do not pull my hair.
Can't pull my hair either in the bedroom because it'll come off.
Are you into girls or guys?
I'm into both. I'm into everything.
-Oh, she likes-- -What does that mean?
You're over sex, I can say that.
Just suck it out. I'm pretty good at that.
Oh, she said she's good at sucking.
Oh, I bet, dear. She's stuffed many a turkey.
She celebrates Christmas all year.
I'm like a set of open legs. What you see is what you get.
Shy girl.
Very shy woman.
People look at my face, look at my body.
I am a player, but I'm a nerd.
A sexy nerd.
Well, sour praise, dear, is no recommendation.
-How tall are you? -Six foot.
Six foot one, if we're, like...
I don't think so. I'm six foot.
-Marvin. -Marvin?
-Where are you from, man? -From Paris, France.
Marvin. See, that's 6'2", love.
I seem to go for younger guys.
-Do you? Oh, what a coincidence. -I'm a cougar.
You're a cougar?
You're only about... She's only about 23.
Who do you fancy here?
-I mean, they all look good. -Yeah, all of them, right?
Well, that's our house of people.
Well, over-sexed and under-nourished, the lot of them.
And, as for that girl she likes to open her legs,
dirty madam!
I mean, they've all got gleams in their eye
and murder in their Y-fronts, haven't they?
And why do the youngsters think they invented sex, dear?
I'm a goer myself.
I've heard.
Listen, dear, I'm 79 and I'm a goer, dear!
I'm at it morn, noon, night. I mean, don't tell the husband.
Well, I've just met your husband. You can't be speaking like that.
No, don't tell him, for God's sake.
He's been sleeping for the past 30 years of a 42-year marriage.
Wait, let me get this wink on point.
I mean, he just looks like a f***boy, doesn't he?
Now, look.
A man thinks with his knob.
-Oh no, don't-- -What do you think with?
You don't... You don't...
They think with their knob, dear.
I mean, a man would do a frog if it stopped jumping.
Well, you know he would.
Yeah, but men have got to do all the work.
Oh, I don't... Not with me, dear.
Oh, I'm...
I throw them all over the bedroom, dear.
Yes.
Oh!
How much have they lost for a kiss, then?
Yes, but that's not forbidden. It's intercourse that's forbidden.
No, it's kissing as well. Rule broken.
-Kissing? -Yeah.
I feel like it was definitely worth the rule break.
She's gagging, dear. Gagging.
How much money has she lost? She's not got a hope, has she?
I mean, I'd have probably been bummed rigid by now.
So, I mean, a kiss...
To lose that money, they're insane.
All he thinks with is his todger and her clitoris.
No, I'm sorry. No, no. You tell it like it is.
No one would get near me.
I'd make cast iron knickers with a lock.
Is there maybe snow on the roof, my love?
You look at those young men, don't you, and all the bodies
and you think: "I wouldn't".
And then you think...
I'll have to have a drink. I'll have to have a bloody drink.
I like that he's big. I like big guys.
She likes big guys. Are you talking...
Does she mean the physique or the willies?
I feel like the little, like, purple horn devil emoji right now.
That's an improvement, love.
Oh, there we go. There's going to be no prize money left.
You see, I don't understand this.
She's had her tuppins already.
Speak to me only in French. No English.
Vous voulez vous couchez avec moi?
Of all the French phrases. I don't think he was even French.
Sounds like a Scouser to me.
I mean, they've got no hope, have they?
It's a good job this isn't for charity.
The way Peter is looking at me right now is uh.
Marvin, this is the game you chose to play.
Oh, she's gone off the French one now.
Any port in a storm.
She's a virgin 3000 times defrocked.
Wow. Apparently, what Peter wants, Peter gets.
I don't know what just came over me.
Now you have to go, too.
-You have to do it. -Shall I do it, too?
No, the answer is no!
It's going to Eiffel Tower them.
Poor Marvin will be stood in the background.
Would you ever kiss two people in one night?
I should be so lucky, love.
I have advertised.
Well, I've...
No, I like one man in my life at a time.
Not even a little toy boy on the side?
If you saw my body, you'd never get over it.
You look like you're sitting over a plate of truffles, dear. You do.
No, before I go with young, I'd have a good steam press
because I'd be a bit embarrassed showing the waffly bits.
You fancy young men out there like an older woman?
Where are these men? Where are they?
You'll find them. Just stick it in Google.
And they'll pay good money.
I'm all right for money, dear. I just want to be...
Not even one hundred grand?
Shut up!
Hey guys. Who kissed who?
I think there's a few arms going to be going up.
I didn't kiss anyone.
-Neither did I. -Liar!
She sat there and bare-face lied to the lot of them.
I'd just come clean. I'd say: "Yeah, and what?"
-Tell us. -My heart dropped.
Talk dirty to us, Lana. Tell us what we did.
Why do you think the robot's called Lana?
Well, I know Lana Turner, a film actress, dear.
I don't know anybody else with Lana.
Lana?
A.
N.
A.
Anal!
-This is such a vulgar show. -Filth.
-Filth! -Filth, Kim.
Fancy... Do you know, it's disgusting.
Horrible, horrible people.
$21,000.
Oh, they'll not last two weeks, will they?
$21,000 for a few kisses?
That's a bit strong, if you want my opinion.
You could have gone and got the best brasses in London
for that for a month.
How do you know?
I'm one of them, dear.
Yes, you know your own tricks best.
You know an awful lot, don't you, for a lady?
You know an awful lot of filth for a lady.
You'd sniff anything gorgeous.
A mind like a sewer rat.
She's sat with her hole in the air.
If Marvin wants to pull this phase and be grumpy, angry,
then I'm going to make him jealous.
Oh, look at her playing games.
He must have a stonking hard one over there.
She is really horny, isn't she?
If she moved next door to me, I'd move.
Dirty madam.
If I had a pair of knockers,
I'd probably have them out all the time.
I would. If I were a big-breasted woman like yourself,
I'd be like this constantly.
I'd never pay for a cab.
I find you rather vulgar.
No, no. I thought you were a lady, you see.
But what comes out of your mouth is sewer-like, dear. Sewer-like.
You've known me long enough, my dear.
Whatever blows your skirt up, dear,
but, for God's sake, keep it a bit cleaner.
You know my balls are in a dire situation
What?
Should we have a little vankle shankle pact?
Are they having a circle jerk?
It would be terrible if you had to watch, wouldn't it?
I need to relieve myself,
let all the tension out
and we'll deal with the rule break after.
I'm sure your balls aren't that big, love.
He's going on like his balls are killing him.
They're not allowed to masturbate. Are we sure about that?
Yeah!
-Are you ready to guard the door? -Guard the door.
-Guard the door. -Let's go out there.
Why can't these young men resist?
They're gagging for each other.
This is going to turn gay, this programme. Watch.
I'm working on a show where a guy has convinced
to keep watch while he rubs one out.
The lads could have offered to help, a little finger or something.
While he rubs one out, no.
Marvin's going to catch him having a w***!
Oh, oh.
-Like one minute. Two minutes. -Thirty seconds.
Thirty seconds. Maybe.
He said one minute, two minutes. He said 30 seconds.
Are they all taking turns? Oh no.
Repeat after me, Cam:
no more...
Too late.
Imagine me and you were in this house
and I wasn't in drag.
-Oh, I'd have you, dear. -I'd say...
Yes!
I find... There's something very attractive about you.
You have something sort of about you.
I could hop on and hop off at crew.
No.
If we were in this house and I said:
"Kim, my balls are killing me.
I need to go in here and have a little ham shank."
No. You're... You are a gay man
and I love, love, love gay men, you see!
-I'd watch your doors if you wanted to go in and masturbate.
Women don't masturbate, dear.
I have never masturbated in my life.
I have never used a toy. I don't know what they see in them.
When I first started filming with Aggie,
she gave me a...
an electrical dickie dido.
A rabbit, she gave me.
I can't imagine as a woman...
I'm not lying on a bed on my own like this.
Oh, those curtains need a launder.
The bed.
Now, seriously.
No, honestly,
it's never done a thing for me.
Imagine a man, because they're bloody beasts, aren't they?
I mean, men are such pigs, aren't they?
They'd stick anything up their arse, men.
But listen, and they're wanking... No.
You can't beat a nice man with a penis he knows what to do with.
That'll do me.
No. What?
How serious are you guys?
I mean...
Yeah, no, I wouldn't say like that serious.
Not serious? Tell that to the girl you woke up next to this morning.
-Did something happen? -No, nothing happened.
Oh, he's a t***.
Right now, I do feel reassured by Cam.
I don't know, I just really believe it.
It's all good. All good in the hood.
You see, he doesn't want to offend her
in case he doesn't get a bit off the other one.
Now, look here. I love a man, but they are pigs.
No. Now my courtship days.
The stories they flannel you with.
Any story to get their ends away, dear.
No, no, no.
Come on.
-Hey girl! -Hey! Are you all right?
Cam going on the date yesterday made me realise
how my feelings are genuine towards him.
Oh, she's only known him two minutes!
It makes you laugh
They've only known each other three days.
Just give them all a spliff and chill the f*** out.
Oh, no, I'm totally not attracted to him at all.
-Are you not? -Don't even worry about that.
Like, you got one chance, that's it.
Bring it in.
I can't understand these in earnest conversations.
What is all this serious he me?
None of you know each other, you silly sods!
Anything to get on the telly.
You see, look here.
If the kids, they're kids...
If they think they can get a bit of fame on television,
I'm not blaming them for that because, you know...
Oh, but we all love a bit of telly.
I mean, the girls are sitting there like
Sit in my face, and tell me that you love me!
No? No?
About your date, how you and me are nothing.
-I didn't say that. -Well, you did.
-What are you doing? -Don't know what I was doing.
What?
But I'm genuinely hurt.
Look, he can't even be in a serious situation
without standing there like that.
Oh, I don't know. Oh!
Oh, I can see this heading south fast.
-Literally. -Ok, ok. Yeah.
Ooh!
Harder.
Now, I like a man who choosily does dirty talk.
-Oh yeah? -Oh, I do!
-Give me an example. -Well, I...
Well, I was younger, you see.
He'd be lying there on top, you see.
And he'd say:
"You give it to me good."
And I'd be: "Oh, I will. Thank you. Yes."
And you kept giving it... You got on top then, you see.
And he'd say: "Oh!"
And you'd be saying: "Well, if you insist."
And you would go at it like the clappers, dear.
You'd look down at his face, he'd be going...
You know, and...
Lovely.
Well, cheers to that.
Cheers to that, dear.
But don't tell the husband. The old bugger's outside.
What I'm observing is far from positive.
I want to know how much he lost for having a tommy tank.
Don't look at me.
Really?
I'm celibate.
Celibate?
I don't think.
So far, you have lost $32,000.
-Thirty-two grand? -My God.
That's $53,000 they've lost already.
I'd just go home.
You are taking this process for granted.
It is clear I need to streamline the group.
What?
Oh my God.
Well, it's only a two-week show so they've got to get it down.
Now do the public vote them out?
-No? -Anal tells them.
Lana does tell them, yeah.
Could you please stop this?
You can't end it there! Who's going to go home?
If I were them, I'd just do a Ginny Lemon and walk out.
I mean, there's going to be about a tenner left in the prize fund
at the end.
they're not going to get a penny.
-No! -They won't walk.
They're youngsters: they want to be on telly.
Bless them. You can't blame them for that.
We still don't know how much a wank cost.
That's all I was watching for.
I'm going to ten grand.
Couldn't you be less vulgar?
Well, a w***'s a w***, isn't it?
Can you say: "a man seeing to his alternatives"?
Do you have to say w***?
We say "ham shank" instead.
-Ham shank and tommy tank. -Yeah.
If you had to go with any of the guys, which one would you go with?
Do you know, I wouldn't.
-It would have gone to your head. -No, no. I'm sorry.
There's a little fellow with the hair that's nice.
He's got face like a baboon.
The gorgeous black one who's pretending he's French
and he's saying "mercy buckets".
It's "merci beaucoup", not "mercy buckets", dear.
That gives away he's not French. Now, come along, please.
No, I wouldn't fancy any of them. I'm a woman of, you know...
repellent aspect.
Shut up.
Just because you're vulgar!
Do not put me in the same category as you.
Now, I didn't know you were vulgar, you see.
Yes, you did!
-Yes, you did. -I wouldn't have come on the show.
Well, that was Too Hot To Handle. Thank you so much for watching.
I have been The Vivienne and my fabulous guest this week was...
... Kim Woodburn.
I've had a ball.
Well, they have in the film I've been watching as well, dear.
More than one ball, but I'm not going to discuss that.
I love you very much. Thank you, folks. See you soon!
Taaraa!
Now, I don't gossip, but she was doing away with...
And on the plane, love, with her drawers at her feet.
Most of the time plays them. She was away with Slates.
-She was... No, no. -Oh my God.
It needn't have happened and not one of her...
Kim.
Well, you're doing away with yourself, aren't you?