- So he starts saying, I got a gift for you.
I got a gift.
And I grew up in, like, a broken neighborhood, you know.
I thought it was gonna be his cock.
You know?
So I start practicing my, like,
"see a cock, like, don't be interested" faces.
You know, like, it's, you know, like... [tsks]
[mumbles] Uh-uh.
[dark electronic music]
♪ ♪
- Welcome to "This Is Not Happening."
[chatter] - [burps]
- I'm your host, Roy Wood, Jr.
Hey, there you go, boys. Drink up.
Nobody's gonna remember what the hell's happening tonight.
That dude's trying to get my couch pregnant.
He peeing out the window.
- [retches]
- C'mon, man.
John Legend bought me that piano.
[crowd cheers]
Who brought a ball pit?
- [screams]
[crowd gasps]
- [groans triumphantly]
[crowd cheers]
♪ ♪
His podcast is called "This Past Weekend,"
a southern boy like me, Theo Von.
[cheers and applause]
- So, I am 11 months sober, right?
I'm a sober guy. [cheers and applause]
Thank you.
Appreciate it.
Uh, I didn't wanna be.
But this is what happened.
I was in New York City, right? New York City, New York.
You know, they call it the same thing right back in front
of each other just to really piss you off
before you get there.
It's like, we heard you in the beginning.
You know?
But I was in New York City, east of Hoboken.
And I hadn't planned on doing any cocaine, okay?
I planned on doing this much cocaine.
That's a zero amount, you know?
But apparently, some cocaine had planned on getting together
with me when it left its home that evening.
So I went to this party, man,
and my friends were at this party.
And uh--and I felt uncomfortable
when I got to this party.
Probably because, like, when I really
think back on my life, like,
I've always just felt uncomfortable.
You know, like, I don't know what it is.
Like, my whole life has just been
this constant struggle with every moment.
Like, I'm just wrestling with every second
just to feel okay.
Like, I don't even wanna feel good.
Just set me in the middle, you know?
So I'm at this party, and I'm feeling
how I feel regularly, uncomfortable.
So I decided to have some drinks,
because my friends are alcoholics.
And I'm competitive.
So I have a couple tequilas, right?
And tequila, let's be honest,
is like pouring Mexico right into your body, okay?
I mean, make you jump a fence, make you buy a gun,
make you run across a highway with your family,
make you knock a woman up, make you knock a woman down.
Okay? Olé, Janet.
You know?
So I had me a couple of tequilas, and, uh--
And I was feeling alive, you know?
I was feeling a little more comfortable.
Now, at 1:30 in the morning, I left this, uh--
I left this party because at 6:30 a.m.,
I had to be on a nationally syndicated radio program,
"The Opie and Jim Norton" radio show.
And uh--yeah, it's a wonderful show that tapes there,
in New York City, New York.
And those are two men that I really admire, you know?
And "admire" is when somebody is better than you,
but you still like 'em.
It's an old-fashioned ideal.
So at 1:30 a.m. I get into this taxi cab, right?
This beautiful Asian girl,
that I do not know, gets into the taxi with me.
We're both headed the same way. They call it "sharing a taxi."
Okay?
And this girl lays the back of her head right into my lap.
And I'm thinking, fuck yeah, you know?
New York's got these beautiful free Asian girls
with every taxi ride.
This is a marvelous accoutrement to the city,
you know?
Uber? No, thank you.
Taxi, you have won me back.
So this girl's just laying in my lap,
and she just starts reminiscing about her evening, you know?
She said--
She said she had a nice evening,
but that her boyfriend wasn't in town.
That he's never in town.
Then she goes, "What happens in taxis,
stays in taxis."
And I'm not the brightest, you know,
bowl in the bowl drawer, you know?
[laughs]
Ugh, dude.
You ever wander into a sentence, and you're like,
how do I get out of here?
But I'm looking around this vehicle after she says that,
and I'm thinking,
"This is a taxi," you know?
I mean, taxi me once, shame on me.
So I'm feeling kinda cavalier after her statements, right?
I go down to make a kiss, you know?
This young lady is laying in my lap, I go down to make a kiss.
Now, trying to kiss someone that's laying in your lap,
that's a beautiful idea.
Until you get right here, okay?
And then you're just milling around
like a lip rapist, bruh.
I don't think James Bond could kiss a woman laying in his lap.
Okay?
So she pushed me off of her.
Uh, she called me a creep.
She called me a pervert.
I'm definitely not a creep.
And then it was awkward for a few blocks,
until she got dropped off wherever she was going.
Uh, I'm not sure even where it was.
I think it was, like, a halfway house
for complete cunts or something.
And at that point, it's just me and the driver, you know?
And--
and I thought he said "drugs."
He could've said something else.
English wasn't his first language.
You know? He was bi-language.
But I heard "drugs" in my head, you know?
And so I said, "Cocaine!"
Like I was Coke-stepher Columbus, bruh,
and we just landed on Crack Rock, you know?
And I heard him accelerate that vehicle,
and that's universal language for,
"We're gonna get some cocaine."
'Cause that's a drug to me, you know?
Weed.
Weed is a confusing spice.
I mean, weed will make you forget how to get home.
Cocaine will make you forget how to get to heaven.
So we just drove, man. Man, we just drove, man.
And, uh, we drove for about a half hour,
into, like, North Harlem.
If that's even a place. I don't even know.
But it was a dark neighborhood.
And that's not a euphemism.
All the street lights were busted out,
so you couldn't tell that it was predominantly black.
But I grew up in a black neighborhood.
I know when I'm back, you know?
And we got there, man.
And I gave this dude some money.
He gets out of the vehicle, comes back a few minutes later
with some cocaine on him, you know?
But he sits in the backseat next to me.
A little alarming, you know?
Kinda like when you're in the air on a plane,
and you see the pilot taking a piss,
and you're like, What the fuck, dude?
Is this Spirit?
But this beautiful gentleman
scooped up a little bit of cocaine on a car key,
put it under my nose... [sniffs]
killed that baby, bruh.
Then I scooped him one. [sniffs]
And he killed his, man.
And then, [sniffs] and [sniffs] and [sniffs]
and [sniffs] and [sniffs] and [sniffs].
Just a couple of dueling cocainists.
And we got high, man.
Uh, we got high for about 40 minutes.
Dude, I remember being so high at one point,
I was like, dude, where the fuck is the driver, bro?
And he didn't know.
So we sat there, man. We continued
to get high together, me and this beautiful gentleman.
And he said, Luigi-- that was his name--Luigi.
And I thought that was Spanish, you know?
Like that rare Italian Spanish.
So I start saying my name in Spanish.
Teodoro.
'Cause I learned Spanish in Louisiana.
And my whole life, I thought Teodoro
was Spanish for Theodore, which is my first name.
About six months ago, this girl goes,
that means I adore you.
Wish you would've told me at some other point, you know?
Because it's fine--right--it's fine to tell people
you adore them when you meet them.
But when you're an hour deep
into an 8-ball,
with a man who keeps saying he's Luigi
and you just keep saying, I adore you to him,
99% of the time, this don't end heterosexually.
So--
Ah, this is a long night, man.
So he starts saying, I got a gift for you.
I got a gift.
And I grew up in, like, a broken neighborhood, you know.
I thought it was gonna be his cock.
You know?
So I start practicing my, like,
"see a cock, like, don't be interested" faces.
It's, you know, like... [tsks]
[mumbles] Uh-uh.
So I'm running through the rolodex
of "no cock for me" faces.
And, uh--and then he keep saying
I got a gift, a gift, I got a gift for you.
Then I'm thinking, like, it's, like, a thing on his phone.
You know, like a GIF.
You know, like a disappointed walrus.
You know, like, Monday, Monday, Monday.
Monday, Monday.
But then I hear... [knocks on microphone]
on the taxi door.
And I'm like, Who knocks on a car door, dude?
Come in, or just be out there, you know?
Were you raised in a house of car doors in it?
So I'm like, come in.
'Cause now I gotta live in this shit universe they created
by knocking.
And a 'tute gets in.
A prostitute, you know?
A 'tute. You can't say "pros."
"Pros" is somebody that, uh-- have a prosthetic, you know?
And a 'tute get mad if you call 'em a "pros,"
if, uh--if they got everything, you know?
So I'm being politically correct
and I'm saying this 'tute, you know.
And I respect prostitutes.
I respect all women. You know,
whether they're a president or a prostitute,
I respect them, man.
You know, prostitute, probably a tougher job,
let's be honest, these days, dude.
You out there, middle of the night,
slinging that canal, you know?
A lot of men are gay, market share's declined.
So I respect prostitutes, man,
but I don't wanna deal with a prostitute tonight.
I just wanna do cocaine with my adorable buddy, Luigi.
You know?
And this prostitute, man, she had, like,
a--you know, she had a wig that covered--
you could see about 60% of her face, okay?
And to me, it looked like a man's face, right?
Which is fine, you know?
No judgment, there, I'm just saying if I were on a game show
called "Guess 60% of This Person's Face,"
I would guess man first, you know?
But so we're all, uh-- we're all back there
getting high together, and this prostitute
starts making advances towards me.
And I don't want a prostitute.
So I start feeling uncomfortable,
which is where I live at, most of the time.
So it only took me about half a lung to get there, you know?
So I get out of the taxi
into the street in North Harlem, right?
Luigi comes out after me, 'cause that's new friendship.
And he's like, "$100, $100, $100."
So I give him a hundred bucks.
I'm thinking he's gonna pay this 'tute.
She'll go on about her business.
We'll get back to, you know, uh,
you know, friendship.
I look over a minute later, they're kissing
on each other's necks, okay?
He's investing my hundred back here with this prostitute.
You know? I still have a $240 meter
on the front of this taxi, right?
So I'm out $360, not even in the vehicle, unfair.
But I deal with my negative feelings outside of the car,
so I don't bring negative energy back
into the vehicle, right?
Then I get back into the taxi.
But now I'm sitting in the front passenger seat, right?
You can hear Luigi and the 'tute in the back.
Um.
So, you can hear the light rustlings of a blowjob.
You know, kinda just simmering up into existence.
A good blowjob too. It sounded like, you know,
one you see on the Internet, you know?
Sounded like somebody's at a water park.
And I respect what they're doing, man.
But I still wanna do cocaine by myself, right?
So now I'm trying to be considerate,
and quietly do cocaine by myself, right?
[sniffs slowly]
Just the softest, little cokehead you ever met, dude.
Just like a--just like a newborn rabbit,
just hopping up on the ground, you know?
At one point, I was leaning my head back,
and just quietly dumping cocaine
into the bottom of my nose.
It was awesome, bruh.
Luigi's in the back, dude. He's at the water park, bruh.
He gots that all-day wristband, dude.
He don't give a fuck about me.
He goes, "You drive, you drive."
And this is when I knew I had a problem, man.
not specifically with drugs and alcohol,
but with the way that I behave when I'm on drugs and alcohol.
When I moved over into the driver's seat
of this taxi, right?
Put on my seatbelt.
I remember asking them to put their seatbelt on.
But they don't even make a seatbelt for all that activity.
You know? We need seatbelt reform,
I've been saying this.
And I started this vehicle,
and I drove us off into North Harlem, man.
At 4:15 in the morning, just driving.
Drove for probably about 20 minutes.
Didn't know where I was. You know?
My brain's like, damn, dude, you're lost.
It's 4:30 in the morning, man.
You're high on cocaine.
But at least you're working.
At least you're out here making money for your family, okay?
I don't have a family, dude.
More importantly, I don't drive taxi, bruh.
But then my brain also goes, but man, you don't have
a commercial driver's license.
As if that was gonna be an issue when the cop stops us.
There's empty cocaine bags everywhere, right?
Like, I looked like I'd been washing my face
with powdered donuts.
The sex crimes in the backseat.
Potentially gay sex crimes in the back seat.
And that officer is just gonna be like,
"That's all for naught, young soldier.
You don't have a chauffeur certificate."
But that's what got me to pull over, man.
I pulled over, I left a couple hundred dollars
on that car seat, I started walking off, man.
I walked about three blocks.
Got into a regular taxi, right?
I--I even made him pop the trunk just to
make sure that spare ties wasn't shooting up
in the back, you know?
I get to my hotel. It's 5:30 in the morning.
And in one hour, I gotta be
on the nationally syndicated radio program,
"The Opie and Jim Norton" radio show,
two men that I really admire.
So I finished doing my cocaine.
'Cause you can't not finish your cocaine, dude.
Try to not finish your cocaine.
I will watch you try.
What do they put in it, cigarettes?
I took three showers in ten minutes, son.
And dried off after each one, bruh.
You don't know me.
Then I start walking to the radio station, right?
It's five blocks to the Sirius building.
Halfway there, I realize that I have on jeans
with sweatpants over them.
Something I've never worn before.
Because nobody's ever worn it.
I'm the Neil Armstrong of pants this morning.
I get up to the radio station. They tell me
I gotta be on the air for three hours.
There's a million listeners, right?
I can't feel my face.
With either hand.
Highest I can feel is my neck.
Running on neck thoughts.
And the other guest for the day is Darryl Strawberry.
[laughter and scattered applause]
Yeah. Who's in the Hall of Fame.
He's a Hall-of-Fame baseball player.
And he's in the Hall of Fame for cocaine.
Wasn't a eight ball this beautiful man couldn't hit,
right?
And bless his heart, man.
He's 13 years sober, and he's eloquent, and successful,
and well-put together.
And he was some of these ideas that maybe
I envisioned myself as.
But this morning I'm showing up, you know,
nothing like that, you know.
So it just made me think, like dude,
you gotta tighten up, you know?
And I'll say this, too, about Darryl Strawberry, man.
I have big nostrils. Darryl Strawberry gots
the biggest nostrils you ever seen.
I'm not saying it to shame him, it's not an ethnic thing.
This man gots dead stars at the bottom of his nose, okay?
And I just say it so that you understand
he didn't stand a chance against a fine powder.
This beautiful man could kill a spice rack
from 70 feet away, okay?
[sniffs]
Boom. Take that, nutmeg!
What you lookin' at, coriander?
But on this day, he was everything
I needed to see, you know?
Uh, so, yeah. So that's when I got sober.
And now I've been sober for 11 months.
Uh, and I'm Theo Von.
Thank you for having me. You guys be good.
[crowd cheers]
- Theo Von, everybody.
[cheers and applause]