The price of gas. Aka petrol,
aka car cocaine. (grunts)
There are few commodities out there
that affect the cost of living more than gas. You know?
It's how we get to work.
It's how we ship products across the country.
And it's how we let our ex know that we busted them cheating.
Now, I don't need to tell you that over the past few months,
the price of gas has ben climbing faster than
your grandpa's heart rate on Viagra. In fact,
gas is so expensive, instead of champagne, ballers
have started ordering canisters of premium at the club. Yeah.
Just like... (imitates hip-hop air horn)
(imitates explosion) That club was really lit.
And as the national average in America hits
five dollars a gallon for the first time ever,
people all over the country are doing whatever they can
to stretch a tank as far as they can.
NEWSMAN: For a nation that feels like it's stuck right now
in gas gridlock, many drivers aren't sitting idle
with soaring costs-- they're getting creative.
My salary hasn't changed, so I carpool with my sister to work.
Uh, one week she drives, and the one week I drive.
I just bought the motorcycle, of course,
and now, for 20 bucks, I use, like, for three days
to four days. It just saves me a lot.
NEWSMAN: At a time gas prices are so high,
bike sales are exploding.
I've moved to the city. I don't need my car.
Um, can't afford gas.
NEWSMAN: And even Google Maps is your friend,
with an option to navigate based on fewer hills and traffic.
Even police departments are under strain.
This Michigan sheriff's office is feeling the pain at the pump
as well, according to its Facebook post, and has advised
deputies to manage non-urgent calls over the phone.
Well, well, well.
I guess Joe Biden did end up
defunding the police, yes.
The secret
was just defunding everyone at the same time,
so we didn't notice. I see you, Joe, very slick.
But, yeah, gas prices are so high even police
have to do their jobs over the phone.
Which, you got to admit, is gonna be tough for some cops,
you know? It's just gonna be like, "All right, sir,
"are you Black? Okay, then I'm gonna have to ask you
"to whup your own ass a little bit. Yeah.
"Just frisk yourself for no reason, just to be safe.
You know who's actually gonna be hit the hardest by this, right?
It's the Karens. Yeah, 'cause they're the main people
calling the cops with non-urgent shit. They're like,
"Hello, police, there's a Black man at the grocery store
"buying Trix cereal, which is illegal,
"because Trix are for kids.
Hurry! Hurry, quickly!"
But, yeah...
All over the country, Americans are doing anything they can
to save on gas. Carpooling,
switching to motorcycles.
Shit, I pretended to be sick this morning
just to get a free ambulance ride to work.
-(coughing) -(siren wailing) -(monitor beeping)
Oh, it's definitely AIDS monkeypox Ebola.
(coughing)
I do-I don't think I'm gonna make it.
I-- I don't know how much longer I have--
Oh, wait, that-that's my office, you guys can put--
you can drop me off here. Yeah, I-I'm gonna pull through.
I'm gonna pull through. You guys can pull over here. I'm good,
I'm good. Yeah, I'm good. I-I'll see you guys tomorrow.
All right, bye-bye, bye-bye.
(cheering and applause)
You know, for real, though, it's actually times like this
that a lot of people are glad they live in New York City,
because you don't need to pay for gas here.
Right? You can walk. You can ride a bike.
You can take the subway.
And then with all that money that you save not buying gas,
you can afford a room the size of a coffin. Yeah.
♪ In New York ♪
♪ Concrete jungle where you have ten roommates ♪
♪ There's no space for any of you. ♪
That was a verse they cut out of the song.
But it goes to show you how desperate times are.
America will do anything to save on gas right now.
I mean, not investing in mass transit, obviously,
but anything else. Anything else.
And that means we're gonna have to move on,
because unfortunately,
gas prices aren't the only problem
affecting American people right now.
And yes, I'm talking about guns.
The never-ending problem
that America just can't seem to solve.
Which, now that I think about it,
maybe America, like,
shouldn't keep hitting the same brick wall.
Maybe America can just use some of its problems
to solve some of its other problems.
You know? Yeah, like, like maybe the price of gas
will get so high that mass shooters
won't be able to drive to a gun store
to buy weapons in the first place.
You don't need red flag laws if gas is $20 a gallon.
(applause)
But until that happens, lawmakers in Congress
are trying to find any measure
that can help reduce the amount of guns
that end up in the hands of madmen,
and yesterday, the House took action.
A major legislative package on new gun measures
is headed to the Senate
after passing in the House yesterday.
By a 223 to 204 vote,
lawmakers approved the Protecting Our Kids Act.
The legislation is a collection
of six new gun safety measures,
including raising the minimum age
to buy semiautomatic rifles from 18 to 21
and requiring that all firearms be traceable.
Five Republicans joined Democrats
and also supported the bill.
It is, however, unlikely to pass in the Senate,
where control is evenly split.
NEWSMAN: One Republican congressman
who voted against the bill, Congressman Steve Scalise,
explained his opposition to new gun control laws.
I go back to September 11th.
Airplanes were used that day as the weapon
to kill thousands of people
and to inflict terror on our country.
There wasn't a conversation about banning airplanes.
Wow.
Wow, that is a good point.
I can't think of any way flying changed
after 9/11.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have to get to the airport 15 hours early
so the TSA has time to run a background check on my shampoo
to see if it has any links to ISIS.
(applause)
This is a terrible comparison.
Nobody's trying to ban all guns.
They're trying to add small measures
to make people more safe,
which is exactly what happened to air travel after 9/11.
I mean, do you even remember
what airport security was like before 9/11?
You could basically walk onto a plane
and just browse around like it was an IKEA. Yeah.
You could just be like, "No, I-I don't have a ticket.
"I just wanted to check out the cockpit.
This is nice. This... What does this do?"
(imitates beeping)
"This is fun. All right, have a safe trip."
But this is the problem. You see, this is the problem
that gun lovers have in America.
There's nothing else that is as unregulated
as they want guns to be.
So their-their options and the, like,
the analogies they use always don't make sense.
They're always like, "Cars kill people, too,
"but you don't regulate... Wait, wait.
"Actually, I mean, alcohol kills people, too, but they...
"Wait, actually... No, wait. Medicine kills people, too,
"but we don't regulate... Oh, no, wait. We do.
"Uh, let me think. Guns kill people,
"but we don't regulate those, huh?
"See what I did? Oh, that's... I've gone back on myself.
-That's what I've done." -(laughter)
-But despite... -(applause)
Despite these dumbass objections from people like Steve Scalise,
the House still passed a gun control bill.
The only problem is that everyone already knows
that it has zero chance of passing in the Senate,
which has got to be rough for the House.
You know, you work so hard on something
that you know is going to lose.
You know, they're like the New York Knicks of legislation.
(laughter)
Like, what a weird system in America
where one chamber of Congress
spends all its time passing legislation
that they know the other chamber's gonna shoot down.
It's such a strange system.
Normal for America, crazy for most of the world.
America's basically doing that thing
that parents do with their kids, you know?
You know those parents that aren't on the same page?
Like you ask your dad, "Dad,
can we eat ice cream for dinner?"
And he's like, "Yeah, sounds good to me,
but you got to ask your mom."
And you know Mom is gonna say no!
So I should have just asked her!
Why are you even a part of this process?!
"Well, if I get your mom on the record saying no,
"then I can run ads against her next year
and then we can get a new cooler mom. Yeah."
But what's especially interesting to me
is that, as modest as this bill is,
only five Republicans voted for it.
Only five.
And get this-- four of them
aren't running for reelection.
Yeah. Which is really interesting.
You know? Time and time again, you see
whenever Republicans aren't worried
about pandering to Trump voters,
all of a sudden, they make commonsense decisions.
And I'll be honest, this-this has shown me something
that, like, maybe America needs to relook the process.
Maybe people in Congress shouldn't get to be reelected.
You just do one term and you're done. That's it.
Yeah, because then America's politicians
would finally care more about governing
as opposed to getting reelected, you know?
It's kind of like the same way people in relationships
finally tell the truth when they're breaking up.
You know what I mean? Yeah.
Because, the whole time, you're worried
about saving the relationship.
But if you're not worried about that anymore,
you become a lot more honest.
Yeah. All of a sudden, you're like, "Well,
"it's gonna end anyway, so I might as well tell you now
"that you fart like a beatboxing machine
"in your sleep, Sarah!
The whole night."
(beatboxing)
(chuckles)
Moving on.
This week, Los Angeles is hosting
the Summit of the Americas.
Because contrary to popular belief,
America isn't the only America in the world.
Yeah. There are dozens of countries
in North and South America,
and, every once in a while, they get together
to discuss issues that affect the entire region
and then they bitch about Christopher Columbus.
But, for this year's summit,
the person most countries are bitching about
is Joseph Robinette Biden.
Drama before the diplomacy officially begins
this week in Los Angeles,
where President Biden will be hosting
the Summit of the Americas.
There is a significant snub.
The president of Mexico has announced
that he is refusing to attend the summit
because the U.S. is not inviting Cuba,
Venezuela and Nicaragua
over their lack of democratic values.
But Mexico says the agenda of migration,
economics, climate and COVID
is just too important to exclude
any of the nations from this region.
The White House counters that it believes
that no dictators should be invited.
W-Wait a second.
Joe Biden has stopped a Mexican from coming to America?
You know, wherever he is,
Trump must be so pissed off right now.
He's like, "Joe Biden is stealing my ideas.
"I'm the Mexican man!
Mom!"
But seriously though, this is such a petty story.
This is a meeting of the leaders of an entire hemisphere.
But, instead, they-they sound like middle school mean girls.
You know? It's just like, "Hey, Mexico?
"I'm having a party and you can come,
"but don't tell Cuba and Venezuela
and Nicaragua, because they're not invited."
Like, "Oh, America, it's so brave
that you think you're cool enough to even throw a party."
(gasps) "You bitch!
Oh, my God! Ra-ra-ra-ra-ra! Ra-ra-ra!"
I will say this, I think we can all agree
that Mexico's making a good point.
America's stance on human rights violations
seems a little inconsistent.
Right? Think about it.
You won't even talk to Cuba and Nicaragua?
But then you're gonna fly to Saudi Arabia
and beg Prince Bone Saw to release more oil? Huh?
I mean, it seems like America's a lot more tolerant of countries
that have a little, uh, cha-ching.
Is that what it is?
Yeah. In many ways, the American government
is like a stripper. Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like, if you ain't paying,
they don't care about you.
And I hope you know that, Saudi Arabia.
America's not actually into you.
They're just saving up for college.
That's all this is.
It's not about you, America.
A transaction.
Here's the thing. Here's the thing.
Whether the U.S. likes it or not,
it is connected to these countries. Right?
They affect the United States
and the United States affects them.
Don't you think it's weird that you're gonna be talking
about migrants from Nicaragua
but then Nicaragua is not gonna be at that summit?
You don't think it's strange?
It's gonna be like staging an intervention
without the person there.
You've got to get your life together, Barry!
Is what I would say if Barry was here.
I think this would have been good, guys.
This would have gotten through to him.
It really would have been great. Where is Barry, by the way?
What? Drunk again? Oh, well, we tied.
All right, that's it for the headlines, but before we go,
let's check in on the traffic
with our very own Roy wood, Jr., everybody!
(applause and cheering)
Hey, Wood!
Looking nice. Looking nice.
-What is going on, Roy? -Oh, hey, what's up, man?
What's happening, man? What's happening in the traffic?
I'm just... I'm just looking, man. Ain't nothing happening.
Ain't nobody out there. The gas cost too damn much.
Everybody at home. Ain't nobody on these roads today, man.
It's looking pretty... looking pretty good out there.
You know, I'll be honest, man. With these gas prices, man,
I kind of... It's got me kind of rooting for monkeypox.
-(laughter) -Sorry. What?
How was traffic during the last shutdown?
It was good, wasn't it?
It was good. The last pandemic, there wasn't no traffic.
So bring back another pandemic. Boom.
Traffic fixed, problem solved.
-I mean, that's... -I'm telling you, man.
The gas prices are getting out of hand.
Like, I kind of like the fact, though,
that the police can't respond to every call.
That's cool for now, but then, when the emergencies start...
really start piling up, then it's gonna be bad, man.
Eventually, the police gonna have to start carpooling
with the fire department and the ambulance. They're gonna have
to ride together. Like, the only way they're gonna come
and save you is if all three things are happening
-to you at the same time. -(laughter)
Like, if you get shot, you got to set something on fire.
Then they'll show up.
They're gonna have to combine their vehicles.
-It's gonna get bad. -(applause)
They're going to have to come check on you
in a fire truck ambulance cruiser.
NOAH (laughing): A fire truck...
Yeah, the fire truck ambulance cruiser.
That's with all three-- police cruiser, ambulance, fire truck.
-All combined. Well, thank you, Roy. -Yeah. It was in
-Boyz n the Hood. -What's happening in the traffic, Roy?
(laughter)
It's just... it's just people going... errands.
People are just going to and fro, man.
It's just... It's a beautiful thing, man. It's just...
Real quick about the-the gun law stuff, the gun...
whatever they're trying to pass.
Yeah, the gun safety, yeah.
That's part of it, all right? Can we...?
Like that's the only solution to gun violence is gun...
-regulating guns. Gun vi... -That's a good...
A lot of different things contribute to gun violence
-in this country. -I agree. I agree.
You start with the guns, but then you look at communities,
you look at schooling, you look at eradicating poverty.
-I hear what you're saying, Roy. -I'm not talking about that.
I'm talking about lonely white dudes. I'm talking about...
-(laughter) -We got to have legislation.
Like, every lonely white dude got to have a friend.
We got to legislate friends for lonely white men.
-(applause and cheering) -And I think that's how we get...
That's how we fix some of it.
Like, it would be like jury duty.
Like, you think you got to... You think you, like,
you get to go out this week, but then you got a letter
in the mail like, "Report to Gary's basement."
And you got to be Gary's friend for a little while.
'Cause them lonely white men ain't got no friends, man.
So you don't let the lonely white men
not have a friend is what... Okay, but then,
-but then white... -You're giving 'em a friend.
Every lonely white dude gets a friend.
-Yeah, yeah, I understand that. -Rotating group of friends.
Yeah, but then what if they put a lonely white man
with another lonely white man?
Then isn't that double dangerous?
No, that's called a militia. That's safer
-than a lonely white man. -(laughter)
A militia is much safer than a lonely white man.
Militia got a uniform, they got a website,
they got a schedule, they get permits.
They let you know when they're going to show up.
Who would you rather deal with? A militia or a lone wolf?
-Militia. -That's what I'm saying.
-Yes. -That's what we need.
-We need that... -Yeah, the structure.
Yeah, 'cause we got to do...
Somebody got to talk to these white dudes in person.
We tried talking to them over the Internet,
but Reddit didn't work. It was a big failure, so...
(laughter)
Okay, well, um, let's get the traffic, Roy. We...
It's just so beautiful when you just stare at it.
Ah, let's get to it. We got time?
-We got time? -No, we ran out of time again, Roy.
-We don't have time? -We ran out... Yeah, we-we...
-Just let me just... -No, we have... we have no time.
Just let me... let me just real quick?
Okay, what are you going to say?
(laughter)
It's just, so that guy's going to have a wreck.
-He is going way too fast. -You know what, Roy.
Thank you so much. Roy Wood, Jr., everybody.