I don't even remember the day that I
realized that I'm a girl but rather
remember the day that I realized that
everyone else think that I'm a boy I was
the first person who grew up Hasidic to
come on as trans I was born and raised
in Williamsburg in Brooklyn for all
intents and purposes I grew up in
eighteenth-century Eastern Europe plus
we had lights he spoke only Yiddish at
home he didn't have access to anything
of the outside world TV radio is like
purely forbidden we had Ellis community
newspapers and magazines and all of them
are without pictures of woman the
society communities demos gender
segregated society in North America
someone could show me a community that
is more gender segregated than the
Hasidic community in North America I'll
buy you a drink I'm talking for example
first cousins are not allowed to play
with each other at times many families
including my own family sometimes a
Shabbat dinner Friday night dinner at a
home where their in-laws the man will
sit in the dining room or the family
room and the woman will sit in the
kitchen in separate rooms not because
there's not enough space but simply
because of the gender dynamics and for
me that wasn't easy I knew I was a girl
since
myself however there was no way to
explore that in any way or for my family
personally there was an added level to
it so to speak
I'm a direct descendant of the Baal Shem
Tov founder the kinetic movement and
five different ways and if grandkids
have been held to some extent as royalty
to my dad I was his first son I never
was but that was different and he really
wanted a son because he had five girls I
had five older sisters and having a son
of a big deal for all Hasidic men and I
think for a lot of people in general but
specifically for someone who was gonna
be a rabbi you had the synagogue and
usually your son is the one who is gonna
replace you and then he would tell me my
entire life like I was so much like I
was waiting for a son you can see like
the signs on the streets which are
usually if they are geared just towards
men they're written in Hebrew and if
they are towards men and woman they
usually get us why because not all women
can read fluent Hebrew oh cool thing
though we're literally passing like that
devil thing over there okay this is also
synagogue and my my cousin actually but
I think most you know I got not everyone
is my cousin but most people were on
synagogue Zach I don't miss anything if
I want something I do it like I liked it
acidic food so but I don't miss it I
just make them and buy them and eat them
and moving on like it's not it's not
about missing if I could just do it I
got a message from a really young age
that it's not something I can even talk
about it it's not a normal thing to talk
about I was convinced that I'm the only
person in the world that feels like I am
that's just something that no one should
ever experience and interestingly enough
my parents did pick up on it for a while
my dad was given said I was gay which is
not necessarily wrong but it wasn't the
thing that it was about but he didn't
know about trans people he did know
about gay people because he's been
working with teens at risk which in the
facility community doesn't mean drugs
they usually
and smartphones and talking to girls but
he was aware that gay people exist he
would always tell me I think you're
hiding something you were hiding
something big do I look like a tortoise
to you I actually grew up here oh you
know what gave me away
you're born you get your side curls
beneath me
you have your bar about MIT so when
you're 12 and 13 you're 17 18 you get
engaged you can get married it's what
you do you don't think about it but I
wanted to get married because it also
felt like it's gonna give me a bit more
freedom there was a small part of me
that was hoping that maybe everything
that I'm feeling is not that I am a
woman maybe I just want to be with a
woman turned out that it's not what it
was but it was a matchmaker we were
technically I think fourth cousins after
that first meeting we were engaged and
then we didn't see each other for over a
year which is hardly an engagement talk
and then we got married and the night of
the wedding you were supposed to do it
so to speak
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part of the my identity was religion and
part of me was if the same people who
are telling me about Who I am
gender wise could be so wrong about that
they are also the same people are it's
my parents and teachers who were telling
me all these things about God and
religion and Judaism what makes me think
they're right about that
straw that broke the camel's back was
when we started expecting my son or
later my son's birth because I'm feeling
all of these things what if my child is
gonna feel the same thing how do I know
how can I deal with that and then I was
like maybe there's something online that
can help the Internet is about the
moment it's about the instantaneous of
the out the artificial about the
superficial it's about if you're bored
you click onto something else
it's about being fleeting and empty
basically from a specific point of view
it's a bad thing and then after I
started realizing that it's becoming a
fact of life and so many people needed
for business
they started focusing more and more on
kosher phones to like either blog the
internet or filter day and their
different kinds of filters but I did
know a friend who had a tablet so I
asked him if I can borrow it and I
figured that if there's one place in the
whole city community we're just gonna be
an open Wi-Fi it's on a strip mall where
their business is a use the Internet
in there there was a unisex bathroom you
know these like closed fully closed
battle this is a perfect place to just
sit down and start browsing the internet
that is what I've been unlike for the
first part and that's also where
literally the first thing that I googled
in Hebrew was rather avoid foreigners
over and from there I found the
Wikipedia page Hebrew talking about
trans people that he directed me them
online forums and Hebrew from trips to
me that Nevada palestine learning about
it the journey I think that took about
two years from when deciding to leave
until actually leaving I was pretty much
done the second I got divorced I was not
part of the community anymore all my
friends were my childhood stop talking
to me and I left a community so I
started taking first night classes to
finish my high school diploma start
learning English totally on my own I was
watching English lessons on YouTube
governments for Hebrew speakers and then
when I finished my house could have
blown that I started applying to several
different colleges and had a few friends
who were pushing me to apply to Columbia
sure it was not going to get in ended up
getting in and the fall of 2014 I
started school I moved on campus and it
was my first time living outside of the
community and it was really nice and I
realized that I'm gonna have to
transition at some point November 11
2015 I came out publicly it wasn't a big
deal I'm just gonna share it on Facebook
and change my name and posted it like a
picture or I'm wearing makeup and like
said call me Abby and whatever like it
achieve ething and I was like okay great
now I'm just gonna move on with my life
continue with my education I posted that
around 11:00 at night I wake up in the
morning and dad's post alone had over
20,000 views overnight
well I was just gonna say when you came
out to your family what what was their
reaction I only came out to my dad and I
had a two-hour conversation which was
that walk of the book which didn't go as
much as I was hoping I did the
neighborhood I grew up in I don't have a
lot of I feel a bit like an outsider I
don't have a lot of emotion I think
people expect me sometimes I don't know
I feel I think I've been out for so long
part of it almost feels like going to
Museum and part of it's just like I know
everything that's happening here because
I grew up here and it's nice my family
doesn't live here anymore I mean they do
but not the family that I could talk
with so I wrote this book becoming Eve
and I pick apart to tell a story but
also to tell a story that it's not just
my own story but three two people can
relate you I can make sure that no other
child has to go through what I go
through we're thinking that only person
in the world that feels like that part
about my family it bothers me sometimes
and it doesn't bother me enough they
don't talk to me because my life is good
I'm happy where I am in life I have a
community I have friends I have a chosen
family and I even have biological family
both cousins and and some more extended
family that I'm really close with and if
you can't accept me I feel like it's
your bad and and and and I wish that one
day they will come around and make it
and I think they will but for now life
continues and it's very good
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