Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to.
Hey, you remember "A Kid in King Arthur's Court"?
Yeah, you ever wonder what the director of that movie did before he made that
little masterpiece?
Well, not that much can really top "A Kid in King Arthur's Court" but he did
manage to direct a few films before it,
one of them, surprisingly enough, starring Hulk Hogan.
This is Mr. Nanny.
Why do wrestlers continue to punish themselves by being in movies?
They just so rarely work and Hulk Hogan is the prime example of that.
I mean, you thought Suburban Commando was bad. That at least had a few cute scenes.
This is just the ass shavings of what was popular at the time:
"Home Alone" slapstick, top secret plot devices, family life lessons, and big
tough stars doing silly, goofy things.
All that's missing is a pet chihuahua with sunglasses. But hey, what good does it do
do to bitch about it?
A lot. But I have a review to do so let's take a look at "Mr. Nanny".
So as the credits roll, we see that Hulk Hogan is having nightmares about back
when he was a wrestler, probably like how nowadays he's having nightmares about Mr. Nanny.
He wakes up to be greeted by a character named Bert, who I'm guessing just
moved on up from the east side to finally get a piece of the pie.
"I just got a call from major, major new client. He's looking for a bodyguard."
"I'm not a body guard. I'm a wrestler, ok? I am a wrestler." Actually, I think this is how the offer
for the movie went down, too. "I want you to do this movie--" "No, I'm a wrestler." "Exactly, you're
an actor." "I said I'm a wrestler." "Ah, they're both the same thing."
So of course he takes the job as he goes to meet up with his rich client
Max, from the Muppet Movie. "You're asking him to do something terrible. I can't be a part of it."
"Where do you think you're going?" "I'm looking for Mr. Mason."
"Get off the bike." "What for?" "Just do it butthead!" Whoa.
"Forget it." "Are you deaf or just plain stupid?" Neither, I'm blonde. "Just got a real low
tolerance for gorillas in rent-a-cop suits."
Dude, just calm down, you're not American Gladiators. And even if you were
it'd probably get cancelled.
"It's just the body guard." "Terrible mistake, sir. I'll get rid of him immediately."
"Wrong. He's incredible, obviously a real pro."
Yes, only a real pro would lose his temper, throw a rampage, and be totally
impossible to control.
I see this working well. "So where is Mason's office?" So we see the reason he hires
Hogan is because he's getting attacks and phone calls from your average
psychotic criminal genius. "Who the hell are you?"
"Just your average psychotic criminal genius."
You think it says that on his business card? "I desire your new computer chip."
Yeah, there's a top secret computer chip in this movie.
Apparently it has information on a gun that can shoot any kind of missile
imaginable.
Is it me or is this sounding like a story a ten-year-old boy would come up with?
"And there's an evil genius who wants the top-secret microchip and he can shoot
down missiles by using Mr. Freeze's gun and then
Hulk Hogan comes in! But he's wearing a tutu and acting all girly!
And then Mr. Jefferson comes in because my mom really likes The Jeffersons and
would like to see him in my movie film. Awesome!!!
"You're supposed to guard my kids."
"Oh, you're out of your mind. I hate kids." "Listen, the children have a nanny. All you have
to do is protect them."
So he meets the two little kids, one named Kate and the other named Alex
who I swear to God is a heavier version of the kid from Kazaam, isn't he?
"Apparently Ms. Kapalski had a short-circuit in her blow dryer."
"Oh, this is very bad. Now the agency won't send us any more nannies."
So now Hogan has two jobs: body guard and nanny.
A "Mr. Nanny" if you will. Oh, the idea of a male nanny nowadays. Preposterous.
But it's okay, he has help from the maid, played by an actress named
Mother Love who obviously shouldn't have that name
"What are you doing in my kitchen!?" "I'm Sean Armstrong" "Here, make yourself useful."
"Dash off, Lurch." Oh, just put a bow on her and call her precious. No, not that
Precious. But that was a good movie. So he enters his room where he sees a wire was
mysteriously laid out across the floor. Here you will see the Hulk Hogan trying
his best to turn his primitive wheels and
overcome the obstacles of everyday appliances. The everyday appliances win.
So yeah, as you may have guessed, the kids set up traps all along the house for him.
Like I said, Home Alone was very popular at the time.
"Now, you alright?" "Never better."
Dude, that was fucking glass!
That's not funny! You should go to the hospital!
"I'll tell you what, after we eat, why don't we all go out and get some ice cream?"
"Yeah!" *beep beep* "Dad, you're beeping."
Oh it's my douche-o-meter. It says I'm to neglect you kids and let you down until
the climax of the movie.
Well, can't fault an overused formula. Later. "Come on, Kate." "I'm not hungry anymore."
So even though the father is never around and the mother died of the fatal
off-camera disease, we see the kids manage to keep some hobbies.
Tell DeeDee to stay out of my room!
So after the kids annoy him some more, Hogan talks with Bert to see if he can
get out of the job.
Again, listen to this and tell me they're not talking about Hogan acting in this movie.
"You want to spend the rest of your life getting your brains kicked in, suit yourself,
but let me clue you in on something.
Ex-wrestlers aren't exactly in demand, you know. I mean, who else is going to offer you a career?"
Kind of eerie, isn't it?
So it turns out the kids are divising more traps that even Jonny Quest
couldn't figure out as they hook up a giant magnet to the ground.
Faster. Faster!
Haha, it's funny because he almost died.
Uh, you know, there's a difference between pranks and attempted murder.
I mean, Jesus, kids! This is a creepy shit!
"It's only low voltage. It can't kill him."
Oh ok, I guess it's not that bad.
"Then crank it up!"
Ok ok, that didn't happen, but it might as well.
These kids are sick! It's not like in other movies where the kids are just
defending themselves, this is disturbing!
Really really disturbing! I mean, it's like these kids are sadomasochists or something.
"We're just put the rack right through him and almost killed Sean." "Are you going to punish us?"
They...want to be punished?
All right, I'm not going to read any more into this than I need to, though something
tells me I'm going to need to. The two kids go to school as Hogan realizes
that Alex is being picked on by a pair of bullies all the time.
Yeah, because he could take on a seven-foot bodybuilding wrestler but put
him up against the human mullet and the kid whose sweaters are knit by his mentally
insane grandma and he chickens the fuck out.
"I hate bullies." "You'll only make it worse!" Dumbass kids, you have a f**king Hulk Hogan and you don't even know what
to do with him. That is, unless they consider drowning him in a pool of red dye
as using him protectively. "That's it! I've had it!"
Ha oh my God. This is a visual you see on the back of horror movie dvds. In fact,
this is a perfect time to introduce you to a new part of the show:
This is where I take a certain part of a movie that's already a little creepy and
slow down to make it even creepier.
With that said, let's take a look at this scene in slow-mo.
"No more games, no more tricks. You will sit here til I tell you to get up. From now on you you do as I say, cuz I ain't leaving."
Yeah, your pants feel a lot heavier, don't they?
So Hogan decides to punish the kids for the first time since their mother died,
much to their disturbing delight.
"Hi Alex, hi Kate." "We're being punished."
We originally wanted whips and chains but he thought that
couch was much more fitting.
So of course he starts bonding with the kids as he shows Alex how to be much
tougher and sings a lullaby to Kate. "Mommy used to sing me a song. Could you sing it to me?"
"I've got a terrible voice."
"SING!"
I think this needs another scary slow-mo.
"SING!"
Ok ok, you have enough nightmares for the week. But unfortunately the father is
kidnapped by the average psychotic criminal genius as Hogan invites Bert
over to "double security", because nothing is more threatening than
a black Yosemite Sam.
"You should have seen the blood pumping out! Kabloom, kabloom, kabloom!"
Hogan actually ends up telling the kids why Bert has a limp leg as we cut to a flash back.
"Nice match, Champ! Now we can pay the hotel and get your clothes back."
Oh my god...
*sputtering*
He looks like he's coming out of his mom's vagina!
Vagina!
"Look out!"
Ah, now we've gone from scary slow-mo to...a really dumb scene.
So Hogan chases him down and...is it me or are they playing "I Will Survive"?
Oh-oh-oh I, I survived the movie! It's a stupid flick and suck my dick
keep your shit away from me! I should have tossed this stupid film, I should go and sue Netflix,
I will survive, I will survi--Oop, wish I was that guy.
So the two of them continue to watch the kid's backs as Alex is again approached
by the school bullies.
"He's gotta do it on his own!" "Did Mommy put this on a string so Alex wouldn't
lose any more money?"
'Don't you talk about my mother!" "What you gonna do--" Oh my God who am I?
I can hear colors. My penis is numb. HELP ME!!!
So in this movie's quest to emasculate Hulk Hogan, we now see him having a tea
party and wearing a tutu.
Why? Because they thought it looked great on the poster, obviously.
"Don't move!"
Oh boy, I'd paid good money to see Hulk Hogan fight in a tutu.
Nobody interrupts my Swan Lake recital!
Don't make me get majestic on your ass.
You vicious brutes!
Masher!
Um...help.
"Get the alarm!"
And twirl!!!
Sometimes it's hard to be a wom--Oh!
"What about him?"
Let his box office records eat him alive!
"Business before pleasure." So we see that the name of our villain in Thanatos.
No, not that one.
This guy, the vagina face guy, who now has a bowling ball for a head.
"Thanatos! I should have known. Who i would kidnap little children?"
A lot of people.
So after the family's intimidated by Friar Schmuck, we see Hogan
accept a ransom call demanding him to bring the computer chip.
Oh yeah, because we wouldn't want to do anything stupid like tell the police or anything.
This is clearly a job for an ex wrestler in a tutu. Anyone can see that.
So he breaks into the place as we partake in the movie's climax.
Uh, yeah, I think your hands would be about as healthy as the Skywalker's
family after that stunt.
Don't you dare touch that dangerously unbalanced woman!
"Hang out, wimpy baby."
Oh Lord, this is making me beg for the comedic genius of Three Ninjas.
Oh yeah, remember those nightmares from the beginning?
I guess fighting a metal-lobed Geico caveman is the only way to overcome them.
"We can generate electricity!" "A super conducting magnetic beam!"
What the hell am I looking at?
You know, for a film with a premise about a male nanny,
I really didn't expect some of this imagery.
"Aaaahhhhh!"
So the bad guy is destroyed, the family is of course one again, and Hogan goes to
spread his endearing love of children somewhere else.
"See ya soon."
"Bye Sean!"
Let's go fly a kite, up to the highest height! Let's go fly a kite and--
"Aaaahhh!"
So that's Mr. Nanny and what a surprise: it sucks.
There are little to no jokes that work, the characters are pretty much
just puppets and it's just another in this long line of cheap kid's films about
the big tough guy who has to look after little tough children.
Hogan, I love ya, but if you want to make people laugh, go back to reality TV.
Or wrestling. They're both equally fake.
I'm the Nostalgia Critic, I remember it so you don't have to.
"SING!!!"