Hello there, this is Ajit Nawalkha.
And in this video,
we are talking about how can you coach someone,
how can you be a life coach to someone
that is experiencing low self-esteem?
Before we get into how to really help them,
let's understand what low self-esteem really means
for the context of this video
and where it originates from.
Low self-esteem is a subjective evaluation
of your own worth.
It does not have any proof or objectivity to it.
It simply means is that when we think about ourselves,
without any objectivity, without any improve,
we just think of ourselves as somebody
who is not good enough,
somebody who just feels like that they're not worthy
of whatever they get and so forth.
So, that's really what I mean
when I'm talking about low self-esteem in this scenario.
Now, that is what I really mean
when I'm talking about low self-esteem.
Low self-esteem happens because of events in our life
and then the stories that we keep telling ourselves.
And mostly as a function of us telling ourselves
some negative self-talk
that we started telling ourselves maybe when we were kids
or even when we were adults.
And we just keep telling ourselves that self-talk
and we keep telling ourselves
and keep telling ourselves until it becomes our truth.
And because it becomes our truth,
now we are in a constant state of low self-esteem.
Sometimes it's situational to particular areas of life.
And sometimes it is for everything in life.
And so, one of the countermeasures that you can take
as a life coach, as a coach,
to somebody who you're helping with low self-esteem
is to start to turn their self-talk
from something that's negative
to something that's more positive.
So, what we're gonna explore in this video
is five specific techniques
that you can use with your clients
and for yourself, if you are experiencing low self-esteem,
that will help you get past it,
start building your self-esteem.
So, let's get into these coaching techniques.
The first technique that you wanna use with your clients
is identify the trigger and then limit it.
This is what it means.
Any emotion, any feeling that we experienced in our life
is triggered by something.
There is an event, there is a person,
there's a thing, there is a place that when we go to,
we immediately feel that feeling.
So, let's say for example,
you are a female,
and you're a female that finds it hard to talk to guys
and are not comfortable with it.
It may be because you have low self-esteem
in context of how you see yourself, how you see your body,
how you see yourself as a person,
as someone who will not be appreciated by men,
hypothetically.
And that might mean that when you meet a guy,
you may get triggered and start feeling low self-esteem.
And hence you start shrinking and hiding in your own shell
and stop really being who you truly are.
So, your self-esteem or your value of yourself,
or how you see yourself is triggered by an event,
something that happens outside of you, in this scenario,
it is if you meet a guy, or a guy that you might like,
you immediately are triggered as not good enough.
And hence you start feeling low self-esteem.
So, what do we do?
Firstly, is the identification of what caused you
to actually feel low self-esteem?
In this scenario, it's meeting any guy, right?
And because that is triggering low self-esteem,
what you wanna do is you wanna go,
"Okay, that's the event that happens,
"that triggers low self-esteem for me,
"what is it that I can do to limit a,
"my exposure to the event itself,
"in this scenario, meeting guys,
"and secondly, my outcome or my response to the scenario,
"right?"
So, you're limiting two things.
One of the two, whichever is possible.
Now, this example is kind of silly
because you don't wanna stop meeting guys, right?
So, that's kind of not possible to put a limit on,
but what you can do is you can start to limit the experience
that you're having,
which means when your client is meeting guys,
maybe encourage them to go with pre-decided questions
they wanna ask or pre-decided conversations they wanna have.
So, what you wanna do is try and see
if your client can limit the amount of time
that they're exposed to this particular person,
or if they can limit the impact that it does or has
on the person.
This simply means that if you know that,
say, the trigger event is somebody meets a guy.
If that's the trigger event, ask your client,
firstly, is it possible that it is not any guy,
its particular guy that actually triggers this esteem issue?
And if it's a particular person,
can we limit exposure to meeting this person?
Can be somehow say we're not gonna meet this person
all the time like we are right now
we will meet them occasionally?
The reason why we wanna limit this exposure
of meeting the exact person is because that way,
we have time to actually start building the esteem
of our clients in the times they have not met this person
because the triggered event hasn't happened.
They're not experiencing low self-esteem.
They're not starting the negative self-deprecating dialogue.
And so, they're not in constant state
of feeling like they're not good enough
and feeling the lack of self-esteem.
Instead, we've delayed that to happen
by limiting exposure to the person.
If the exposure cannot be limited,
can we limit the amount of impact that exposure has on us?
And this is more of a reflective exercise
that you can offer to your clients
once the impact has happened.
So, for example, your client meets this particular person,
they're feeling low self-esteem.
They're feeling really beaten down,
bring them into the practice of saying,
"Why is it that you feel that you're not worthy?
"What is it that is causing it? Is it really true?
"Did the person that you met
"actually suggest that you are not worthy of something
"or you are not good enough or something like that?
"Or is it a story that we came up with?"
If it is a story,
what is it that we can do to change the story
just a little bit today, right?
What we're trying to do is we're trying to limit the impact
that our clients have off these events.
And as the impacts limits,
their amount of esteem issues that they're having,
amount of low self-esteem that their experiences
also reduces a little bit.
And now our practices that we will do
to increase their self-esteem
will actually start to take effect
and actually have a net positive outcome.
The second technique is to actively say to your mind,
to your thinking,
"Stop, I am in charge of my thinking."
Or any variation of these words.
The thing that we are trying to do
is when we are experiencing low self-esteem,
when we are going into that chatter of ours
and where we're feeling all the negative emotions
and negative thinking,
what tends to happen
is a breeze just spiraling out of control, right?
And it's going on and on and on
because we're giving it the space to go on and on and on.
When we actually tell our mind, our brains,
our thinking to stop and that you are in charge.
What happens is suddenly your brain has to stop
and let you have the space to have further dialogue.
It's a hack to bypass our psychology
and our thinking that is going into a negative spiral
because you are starting a new thought pattern,
which is to stop the previous one
and suggest that you are in charge and then take charge.
Once you've said that to yourself,
and you can even verbally say that to yourself
if you're in a space where you can.
wherever you tell yourself to stop,
I'm in charge of my thinking.
And now ask these questions to yourself
and then start this practice.
Firstly, bring awareness to what is the thinking?
What is it that is the cycle that's going on?
What is it that my brain is constantly telling me
to be the truth even if there is no fact that proves that,
right?
What is it?
And then once the awareness has been brought
to this thinking, challenge it.
Is it true?
Is it actually true that I am not worthy of something?
Is it actually true? Can I prove it?
Can I find evidence that actually suggests
that this is true?
Now, be mindful when you ask this question of,
can I find evidence because it brain's real smart, right?
It's gonna find the evidence
if you will tell it to find the evidence.
It's almost like you're asking a brain
a rhetorical question.
It's like, prove it,
prove it to me that this is actually true.
And then immediately go into saying,
I know I can choose my thinking.
I can choose. I am in control.
Which means if I can choose the thinking of self-talk
and negative self-talk,
I can also choose the thinking
something that creates a more positive,
aligned experience for myself.
So, what if mind, thinking, brain,
whatever you wanna call it,
I chose a positive experience.
I chose the positive thinking.
And I'm gonna expand on that.
I'm gonna lean into this positive thinking
so I can expand my mind and get into a state
that is more uplifting.
And as you lean into the positive thinking,
you will find immediately your client's state changes.
They start to go,
"Oh, I can choose a positive thinking pattern here."
Or, "I can choose this thinking.
"And if I choose this thinking,
"this would mean blah, blah, blah, blah, blah."
And that is a positive direction of traveling.
And you're already circumvented your negative spiral, right?
So, you've stopped the negative spiral,
you're actively telling it to stop
and then choosing a positive thinking pattern.
The third technique for you to help your clients
have better self-esteem management
and not have low self-esteem and have high self-esteem
as you're coaching clients
is to ask them to have expectations.
And ask them to have expectations
and to define these expectations
that they have with themselves.
More often than not, you will find this for yourself too,
is that we go out in the wall and we expect an outcome.
We never say what that outcome is,
but we expect it to happen.
Here is what happens.
And this may be also your own experience
for the expectations, right?
Most of our expectations are undefined,
which means we just say, "Hey, I want to have great health."
But we never really defined what great health means.
I wanna have a flourishing career.
What does that mean?
I want to make a million dollars. What does that mean?
Because we never really define those expectations,
we actually never really understand
what our true expectation is.
Most of our expectations become a mirror
of somebody else's narrative,
who by the way, is also using somebody else's narrative
because they haven't done the work to really identify
what does that expectation mean?
What does it mean for you to have a million dollars
in your bank account?
What does it mean for you to have a flourishing career?
What does it mean for you to have the hottest body?
What does it mean? Blank.
If you don't define it,
you don't really understand your expectations of yourself.
And very often,
you will find the moment you start defining it,
you go, "I don't actually want that. I want this, right?"
I'm more aware, more interested in this.
You may not want the million dollars,
what you may want is an experience of life
in a particular way.
And that expectation will reflect differently
than wanting the million dollars.
That is the same that happens to us when we judge ourselves
and tell ourselves story of how we are not good enough
and not good enough and not good enough
is because there is no real benchmark
we have set ourselves to
to know if you're good enough or not.
Because we keep telling ourselves
that we are not good enough
based on some arbitrary expectation
that we put on ourselves
without even understanding that if we even want it.
So, have expectations,
but ask your clients to clearly define them,
define what those expectations are gonna look like
and then do more step.
Ask them to put an expected timeline to it.
Again, you can have the most flourishing career
that may involve a million dollars,
but do you really expect that to happen tomorrow?
Or are you comfortable if it happens in six years
or 16 years?
What is it that it really means?
What is that timeline looking like?
The reason why we set this timeline is again,
we have huge expectations of ourselves,
but sometimes these expectations are lifetime expectations.
We want this to happen over the course of lifetime.
We are getting frustrated today because it's not happening.
So, you want your client to not only know
exactly what the expectation is,
but what is their expected timeline
to fulfill these expectations
so they can be a little bit more aware
of when they don't have to be frustrated,
when they don't have to judge themselves.
If you will bring a van
as to what's what it takes to meet their expectations
and the timeline of expectations,
they will be lot more kind to themselves
and not beat themselves up for no reason.
The fourth technique I wanna share with you
that will help you uplift esteem of your clients
and help them with their low self-esteem
is to journal accomplishments.
We journal a lot.
And a lot of times you would see
if you're just free writing,
you'll write the negative experiences of the day.
What happened, what somebody did to me,
why they did it to me that way.
Instead of that,
ask your clients to journal their accomplishments.
They need to write down what is the amazing stuff
that they did, right?
That day, that week, that year. Doesn't matter.
But ask them to identify accomplishment,
small accomplishments, big accomplishments,
progress that they've made,
accomplishments in comparison to who they were a year ago,
two years ago.
Not comparison them to somebody else, but themselves.
This journaling exercise will remind them
on how amazing they are as people,
how much amazing stuff they've done in their life,
how much progress they've made from themselves a few months,
a few years ago,
and that will increase their self-esteem dramatically
because they can finally look at the positive
that they've done
and not just cry about the negative
that might have happened as a consequence of growing.
We all know that we learn from negative experiences
in our life, right?
Challenges are learning opportunity.
But we are so scared of challenges. We don't want them.
We don't want challenges. We don't want setbacks.
We don't wanna fall down,
but we also wanna learn how to get back up.
How are we gonna learn how to get back up?
How are we gonna learn how to fly
if we are so scared of falling?
And that is why it's important for us to reflect
not only the fall, but actually the rise.
So, ask your clients to start journaling
their accomplishment,
start journaling on a daily and a weekly or a monthly basis
on things that they did great.
And the last technique I have for you
is a little bit esoteric,
but it comes from positive psychology as well,
adopt a mantra, whatever that mantra can be.
I'll give you some examples.
But what positive psychology suggest is,
is if you create positive affirmative narrative
in your mind,
if you're looking at positive things,
you tend to grow faster,
you tend to get out of negative loops faster
just because your attention is on the positive.
And creating a mantra is a great way
to always focus on the positive.
For example, have a mantra like I'm enough.
My friend, Marisa Peer, talks about it all the time
on how just telling yourself that I am enough,
I am enough, writing it on a mirror.
You can change the way you approach yourself,
how you see yourself.
You can change your self identity dramatically
by simply saying I am enough, right?
That is a mantra. Your mantra could be, I'm passionate.
I'm kind, I'm intelligent.
I'm smart. I am healthy.
I'm fit. Whatever that mantra is,
something that is positive affirmative that helps you
and reminds you of the awesome that you are, right?
And as you repeat that mantra to yourself,
as you repeat that mantra verbally to yourself,
if you write it down,
you remind yourself about writing in the book.
You remind yourself in many different ways.
You'll find that your self-esteem goes up and up.
I wanna tell you one final story
about this mantra that I just recalled,
which was from a friend of mine.
His name is Kamal Ravikant.
And he wrote a book called
Love Yourself Like Your Life depends On It.
It's an amazing book.
It's a short book and it's an amazing book.
And what I love about his story is,
he came from a place where he was really depressed, unhappy.
And he made it a practice to just write,
I love myself,
again and again and again, and again, again,
until his hands hurt.
He wrote thousands and thousands of time.
And that really brought him back from depression and anger
and frustration and fear and not having meaning in life
to being one of the gentlest, kindest,
and wildly successful men that I know.
So, I really invite you to find that mantra for yourself.
And of course, help your clients find that mantra
because it might be that secret that will help them
go from low self-esteem to knowing that they are enough.
So, the five techniques that we talked about
that will help your clients
to have a higher self-esteem.
Technique number one, find the triggers and limit them.
Second technique, tell yourself, stop.
I am in charge of my thinking.
Third technique,
have an expectation and then define that expectation.
Forth technique, journal your accomplishments.
And the fifth technique is to have a mantra.
Which of these techniques do you think will work best
for your clients?
Share with me in the comment section below.
If you liked this video, hit the like button,
share it with a friend that you find this video useful.
If for some reason you haven't subscribed to this channel,
go ahead, hit that red subscribe button
so we can send you a new video every single week
as we publish these amazing videos
on this amazing channel called YouTube.
Thank you so much for watching.
My name is Ajit Nawalkha
and you're watching this on Evercoach.