>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY?
WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT.
YOU KNOW, WHEN I SAW THE EVENTS AT THE CAPITOL LAST WEDNESDAY, I
WAS MORE UPSET THAN I CAN EVER REMEMBER.
I THINK I SAID SO ON AIR, AND A LOT OF PEOPLE HAVE SAID TO ME
SENSE, WHAT ABOUT 9/11, STEPHEN?
WELL, YEAH, THAT IS THE MOST HORRIBLE DAY IN AMERICA'S
HISTORY, BUT I WANT TO POINT OUT NO AMERICANS WERE CHEERING TORE
THE TERRORISTS BACK THEN, NO ONE WAS MAKING EXCUSES FOR THE
TERRORISTS, NO ONE WAS PRETENDING THEY WEREN'T
TERRITORIES.
AND NOW THAT WE'VE HAD TIME TO LEARN MORE AND SEE MORE OF WHAT
HAPPENED ON THAT TERRIBLE DAY LAST WEEK, ALL I CAN THINK IS,
OH, STEPHEN FROM LAST WEEK, YOU SWEET, NAIVE CHILD, HOW COULD
YOU HAVE BEEN SO CALM?
BECAUSE THIS ATTACK WAS FAR WORSE THAN IT FIRST LOOKED.
THE TERRORISTS WHO STORMED THE CAPITOL WEREN'T JUST A BUNCH
OFIA HOOSE FED A STEADY DIET OF LIES, FAKE JUICE AND MONSTER
ENERGY DRINK, THIS WAS A COORDINATED AND PLANNED ATTEMPT
TO TERRORIZE IF NOT KILL OUR NATION'S ELECTED LEADERS.
AND THE PROMPTER JUST SAID, INSERT JOKE HERE.
CAN WE GET A JOKE IN HERE LATER?
JUST PUT IT IN POST.
THANKS.
BECAUSE WE'RE LEARNING THOSE RIOTERS BROUGHT MORE THAN JUST
STUPID HATS AND PATCHY BEARDS.
THE CHIEF OF THE CAPITOL POLICE, WHO HAS SINCE RESIGNED, WAS
SHOCKED BY WHAT HE SAW, TELLING THE "WASHINGTON POST:"
"THEY CAME WITH RIOT HELMETS, GAS MASKS, SHIELDS, PEPPER
SPRAY, FIREWORKS, CLIMBING GEAR.
CLIMBING GEAR!
EXPLOSIVES, METAL PIPES, BASEBALL BATS."
HOLY DICK'S SPORTING GOODS.
MEANWHILE, AT THE GEORGE FLOYD PROTESTS, THEY WOULDN'T LET
YOU BRING A HOAGIE BECAUSE IT MIGHT'VE MADE THE POLICE HANGRY.
BUT WAIT, THERE'S WORSE!
HERE'S A FOR-SOME-REASON UNDER-REPORTED DETAIL:
PIPE BOMBS WERE FOUND AT BOTH THE D.N.C. AND R.N.C. BUILDINGS,
WHICH THE FORMER CAPITOL POLICE CHIEF NOW SUSPECTS WERE AN
INTENTIONAL EFFORT TO DRAW OFFICERS AWAY FROM THE CAPITOL
PERIMETER.
THAT'S SOME PROFESSIONAL-LEVEL INSURGENCY TACTICS, COMMITTED BY
HOMEGROWN TERRORISTS ON A JUGHEAD JIHAD.
THEY'RE YEE-HAWDIS!
TO UNDERSTAND THE HORROR THAT WAS PERPETRATED IN OUR CAPITOL
BUILDING, JUST LOOK AT GRAPHIC MOMENTS LIKE THESE, WHERE
RIOTERS NEARLY CRUSHED AN OFFICER TO DEATH IN A DOORWAY,
AND GRABBED ANOTHER OFFICER, DRAGGED HIM DOWN THE STEPS, AND
PROCEEDED TO BEAT HIM WITH POLES BEARING THE AMERICAN FLAG, WHILE
CHANTING "USA!" SO IT'S HARD TO PIN DOWN WHAT
THESE IDIOTS BELIEVE IN.
BLACK LIVES MATTER?
OH, NO.
BLUE LIVES MATTER?
YES, BUT ONLY IF WE'RE NOT CURRENTLY TRYING TO MURDER THEM
WITH THE STARS AND STRIPES.
IT COULD'VE BEEN EVEN WORSE.
ANOTHER TERRORIST WAS ARRESTED AFTER AUTHORITIES SEARCHED HIS
CAR AND FOUND 11 MOLOTOV COCKTAILS.
IF YOU THINK IT'S WRONG TO CALL THESE PEOPLE TERRORISTS,
CONSIDER THIS-- YOU'RE WRONG.
ACCORDING TO G.O.P. CONGRESSMAN PETER MEYER, SOME REPUBLICANS
"KNEW IN THEIR HEART OF HEARTS THAT THEY SHOULD'VE VOTED TO
CERTIFY BIDEN'S WIN, BUT SOME HAD LEGITIMATE CONCERNS ABOUT
THE SAFETY OF THEIR FAMILIES."
THEY CAPITULATED TO ARMED, VIOLENT EXTREMISTS.
THAT'S THE G.O.P.'S NEW MOTTO: "WE DON'T NEGOTIATE WITH
TERRORISTS-- WE JUST GIVE THEM WHAT THEY WANT."
NO SURPRISE, THE PEOPLE WHO SURVIVED THIS VIOLENT ATTACK ARE
A LITTLE CRANKY.
THIS MORNING, HOUSE DEMOCRATS FORMALLY INTRODUCED AN ARTICLE
OF IMPEACHMENT AGAINST THE PRESIDENT.
SO IT'S TIME FOR OUR HOPED-I'D-NEVER-SEE-SEQUEL:
"DON AND THE GIANT IMPEACH 2: GO FAST, WE'RE FURIOUS."
>> YOU KNEW DAMN WELL I WAS A SNAKE BEFORE YOU TOOK ME IN!
( GROWLING ) >> STEPHEN: NOW, SOME PEOPLE ARE
SAYING, "WHY BOTHER?
HE'S ONLY GOT NINE DAYS LEFT IN OFFICE."
TO THEM I REPLY, "HE'S GOT NINE DAYS LEFT IN OFFICE!"
YOU CAN DO A LOT IN NINE DAYS.
IT'S ENOUGH TO CREATE THE UNIVERSE, AND THEN TAKE A
THREE-DAY WEEKEND.
FOR PETE'S SAKE, SIX DAYS AGO, THE PRESIDENT HADN'T INSPIRED
MURDER IN THE CAPITOL.
MIGHT'VE BEEN HANDY TO HAVE IMPEACHED HIM WAY BACK THEN!
BUT IMPEACHMENT DOES TAKE TIME.
TIME DEMOCRACY MAY NOT HAVE.
WHICH IS WHY HOUSE DEMOCRATS INTRODUCED A RESOLUTION TODAY
THAT CALLS ON MIKE PENCE TO REMOVE THE PRESIDENT UNDER THE
25TH AMENDMENT.
DEMOCRATS AND MIKE PENCE MIGHT MAKE STRANGE BEDFELLOWS, BUT AS
LONG AS MOTHER'S IN THE ROOM, IT'S TECHNICALLY ALLOWED.
IT'S KOSHER.
I MEAN, IT'S NOT KOSHER, BUT YOU GET THE IDEA.
SO FAR, PENCE APPEARS TO HAVE LITTLE APPETITE FOR GOING
FORWARD WITH THAT.
OKAY, HOW DO WE INCREASE HIS APPETITE?
HAVE THEY TRIED SLATHERING THE 25TH AMENDMENT WITH MAYO, AND
SLAPPING IT BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF WONDERBREAD?
YOU'D THINK PENCE WOULD BE MORE INTO THE IDEA, CONSIDERING WHAT
THE RIOTERS WERE CHANTING: >> HANG MIKE PENCE!
>> HANG MIKE PENCE!
>> STEPHEN: WHAT PART OF "HANG MIKE PENCE" DOES MIKE
PENCE NOT UNDERSTAND?
IT'S HIS NAME AND ONE VERB!
EITHER MIKE PENCE IS UNBELIEVABLY FORGIVING OR HE
JUST GETS OFF ON EROTIC ASPHYXIATION.
EITHER WAY, HE'S LIVING UP TO THE IMMORTAL WORDS OF NATHAN
HALE: "I REGRET I HAVE BUT ONE LIFE TO
GIVE FOR THE PRESIDENT WHO WANTS HIS FOLLOWERS TO MURDER ME."
BY THE WAY, CROWD, IF YOU'RE GOING TO HANG MIKE PENCE, YOU'VE
GOT TO CATCH HIM FIRST!
BUT THE VEEP HASN'T ENTIRELY RULED OUT INVOKING THE 25TH.
REPORTEDLY, PENCE WANTS TO PRESERVE THE OPTION IN CASE THE
PRESIDENT BECOMES MORE UNSTABLE.
"MORE UNSTABLE?" REALLY?
"UH, MR. DAHMER, WE'VE BEEN THROUGH YOUR FREEZER, AND WE ARE
DISTURBED BY WHAT WE FOUND.
I'M LETTING YOU OFF WITH A WARNING THIS TIME, BUT IF WE SEE
ANY SIGNS THAT YOU'RE FEELING SNACKY, THERE WILL BE
SERIOUS CONSEQUENCES.
ANYWAY, SORRY TO INTERRUPT YOUR DINNER."
PENCE ISN'T THE ONLY REPUBLICAN LOOKING TO GIVE THE PRESIDENT A
PASS.
SO IS HOUSE MINORITY LEADER AND MAN POINTING TO WHERE HIS BALLS
USED TO BE, KEVIN MCCARTHY.
ON FRIDAY, MCCARTHY ARGUED, "IMPEACHING THE PRESIDENT WITH
JUST 12 DAYS LEFT IN HIS TERM WILL ONLY DIVIDE OUR COUNTRY
MORE."
WELL, MAYBE OUR COUNTRY NEEDS TO BE DIVIDED.
BY PRISON GLASS.
WE CAN STILL TALK, KEVIN, BUT YOU'RE GOING TO NEED TO PICK UP
THE LITTLE PHONE.
WHAT KEV NEEDS TO REALIZE, IS THAT IF YOU FLIRT WITH FASCISM
LONG ENOUGH, BEFORE YOU KNOW IT, YOU'RE MARRIED WITH TWO
KIDS, ADOLF AND BENITO.
AND HEY, ALL YOU HAND-WRINGING HYPOCRITES: EVERYONE WANTS THE
UNITED STATES UNITED.
IT'S KIND OF OUR THING.
YOU KNOW, ONE NATION, UNDER GOD, INDIVISIBLE.
BUT SPEAKING OF GOD, WHAT I LEARNED IN SUNDAY SCHOOL IS THAT
IN ORDER FOR THERE TO BE RECONCILIATION, THERE MUST FIRST
BE REPENTANCE.
IT'S WHY YOU DON'T BEGIN CONFESSION WITH, "BLESS ME,
FATHER, I'VE DONE NOTHING WRONG, ANTIFA COVETED MY NEIGHBOR'S
WIFE."
WHO COULD BLAME HIM?
LOOK AT THE CAN ON HER.
ANOTHER REPUBLICAN DEEP IN DENIAL IS MISSOURI SENATOR AND
MAN WITH RESTING JOKER FACE ROY BLUNT.
YESTERDAY, BLUNT WAS ON THE NATION FACE, AND EXPLAINED WE
DON'T NEED TO IMPEACH THE PRESIDENT BECAUSE HE'S LEARNED
HIS LESSON.
>> NOW, MY PERSONAL VIEW IS THAT THE PRESIDENT TOUCHED THE HOT
STOVE ON WEDNESDAY AND IS UNLIKELY TO TOUCH IT AGAIN.
>> STEPHEN: UNLIKELY!
"I'M NOT GOING TO SAY THERE'S NO CHANCE THAT HE WILL USE A
PERSONAL ARMY OF PARAMILITARY TERRORISTS TO OVERTHROW
THE GOVERNMENT.
BUT YOU KNOW, 60-40.
LET'S ROLL THE DICE TOGETHER!
COME ON, DADDY NEEDS A PANIC ROOM UNDER THE ROTUNDA!"
SNAKE EYES!
AND BY THE WAY, HE'S "UNLIKELY TO TOUCH THE HOT STOVE AGAIN?"
THE PRESIDENT ISN'T EXACTLY FAMOUS FOR NOT TOUCHING THINGS
HE SHOULDN'T.
MAY I REMIND YOU, ROY BOY: THE POTUS DIDN'T JUST INCITE A
CROWD TO RIOT, THE PRESIDENT WAS DEEPLY INVOLVED IN THE PLANNING
OF THE RALLY, SENDING MULTIPLE TWEETS ENCOURAGING HIS FOLLOWERS
TO COME TO WASHINGTON ON JANUARY 6, AND PROMISING "BE THERE, WILL
BE WILD!" HE DIDN'T TOUCH THE STOVE.
HE RENTED AN APARTMENT, BOUGHT A STOVE, INSTALLED IT, STUFFED IN
SOME OILY RAGS, TURNED ON THE GAS, RIPPED OUT THE SMOKE ALARM,
INVITED ALL HIS FRIENDS OVER, AND THREW IN A LIT MATCH,
SAYING, "TRUE PATRIOTS, TOUCH THAT STOVE!
IF YOU NEED ME, I'LL BE HOME, WATCHING IT ALL ON TV WHILE I
PLEASURE MYSELF WITH A DOUBLE CHEESEBURGER."
HE HASN'T BEEN IMPEACHED YET, BUT THE PRESIDENT HAS SUFFERED
SOME CONSEQUENCES.
ON FRIDAY, CITING THE RISK OF HIM FOMENTING MORE VIOLENCE,
"TWITTER BANNED THE PRESIDENT PERMANENTLY."
OH, DAMN!
A LIFETIME TWITTER BAN HAS GOT TO STING.
THEY TOOK AWAY HIS PRECIOUS!
ACCORDING TO A SENIOR ADMINISTRATION OFFICIAL, WHEN HE
FOUND OUT, "THE PRESIDENT WENT BALLISTIC."
A TROUBLING DESCRIPTION OF THE GUY WHO STILL HAS THE NUCLEAR
CODES.
"HE BLEW UP!
HE WENT TO DEF-CON 4.
HIS ANGER DETONATED IN A FLASH OF WHITE LIGHT AND THEN
MUSHROOMED OUT, DESTROYING EVERYTHING IN ITS PATH.
I GUESS WHAT I'M SAYING IS THE FAT MAN ACTED LIKE A
LITTLE BOY."
THEN THE PRESIDENT WENT INTO FULL WEASEL MODE.
FIRST, HE "TRIED TO TWEET FROM THE OFFICIAL @POTUS ACCOUNT,"
BUT "TWITTER SWIFTLY DELETED THOSE TWEETS," SO HE SLITHERED
OVER TO "THE OFFICIAL TWITTER ACCOUNT FOR THE TRUMP CAMPAIGN
BUT HIS CAMPAIGN'S TWITTER ACCOUNT WAS THEN SUSPENDED."
NOW HE'S JUST GETTING KAYLEIGH MCENEANY TO WRITE HIS TWEETS ON
POSTER BOARD AND HOLD THEM OUT BY THE UNDERPASS.
BUT TWITTER ISN'T THE ONLY SOCIAL MEDIA SITE THAT WANTS
NOTHING TO DO WITH OUR PRESIDENT.
HE'S ALSO BEEN BANNED OR RESTRICTED FROM A BEVY OF OTHER
PLATFORMS, INCLUDING FACEBOOK SNAPCHAT, INSTAGRAM, REDDIT, AND
EVEN TWITCH.
WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR, PORNHUB?
THE PRESIDENT CAN'T EVEN TURN TO ALT-RIGHT CESSPOOLS, BECAUSE
"PARLER HAS BEEN SHUT DOWN AFTER AMAZON KICKED THE WEBSITE OFF
ITS SERVERS."
FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO DON'T KNOW WHAT PARLER IS, FIRST OF ALL,
MUST BE NICE.
SECOND, IT'S TWITTER, BUT ALL TROLLS.
IT'S LIKE A THANKSGIVING DINNER WHERE THE WHOLE TABLE IS RACIST
UNCLES.
IN ADDITION TO ITS WEBSITE BEING TAKEN DOWN, PARLER ALSO SUFFERED
A BLOW THE PREVIOUS DAY WHEN APPLE AND GOOGLE REMOVED THE
PARLER APP FROM THEIR APP STORES, WHICH LED TO A CERTAIN
CHIP OFF THE OL' TURD TO COMPLAIN ABOUT A LEFT-WING
CONSPIRACY.
>> DOES ANYONE THINK IT'S A TOTAL COINCIDENCE THAT LITERALLY
THE DAY THAT TWITTER BANS THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES
PERMANENTLY FROM THEIR PLATFORM, THAT APPLE-- REALLY, IT'S NOT
JUST THE APP STORE, BUT THAT APPLE WANTS TO BAN PARLER?
>> STEPHEN: NO!
NO ONE THINKS THAT'S A COINCIDENCE!
AFTER A MURDEROUS ATTEMPTED COUP EGGED ON BY THE PRESIDENT AND
HIS FOLLOWERS ON SOCIAL MEDIA, SOCIAL MEDIA SHUT THEM DOWN.
IT'S NOT A COINCIDENCE.
IT'S A CONSEQUENCE.
I KNOW IT'S HARD FOR YOU TO RECOGNIZE BECAUSE YOU'VE NEVER
FACED ONE BEFORE!
SO, AFTER BEING SHUT OUT OF EVERY SOCIAL MEDIA APP, THE
PRESIDENT HAS NOW SUGGESTED BUILDING HIS OWN PLATFORM.
I DON'T KNOW IF THAT'S A GOOD IDEA.
THIS PRESIDENT HAS A REALLY HARD TIME WITH PLATFORMS.
BUT IT'S NOT JUST SOCIAL MEDIA THAT WANTS TO UNFRIEND THE
PRESIDENT.
IN THE WAKE OF WEDNESDAY'S PRESIDENTIALLY-SANCTIONED
TERRORIST ATTACK, THE ORGANIZERS OF THE P.G.A. CHAMPIONSHIP
CANCELED PLANS TO HOLD THE EVENT AT THE PRESIDENT'S BEDMINSTER,
NEW JERSEY GOLF CLUB IN 2022.
THAT'S GOT TO HURT.
THE PRESIDENT LOVES GOLF MORE THAN HE'S LOVED ANY OF HIS
WIVES.
IT'S WAY EASIER TO CHEAT ON, AND YOU RARELY END UP WITH AN
ACCIDENTAL ERIC.
A SPOKESPERSON SAID, "IT'S BECOME CLEAR THAT CONDUCTING THE
P.G.A. CHAMPIONSHIP AT THE PRESIDENT'S BEDMINSTER GOLF
COURSE WOULD BE DETRIMENTAL TO THE P.G.A. OF AMERICA BRAND."
SO, UP UNTIL NOW, THE P.G.A.
THOUGHT TRUMP WAS FINE FOR THEIR BRAND?
I GUESS THAT EXPLAINS THEIR 2016 PROMOTIONAL SLOGAN, "THE P.G.A.:
GRAB 'EM BY THE PUTTER!" WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT.
CHRIS ROCK IS HERE.
STICK AROUND.
♪♪♪