-So, if you've been following the news recently,
you've probably been hearing a fair amount
about places banning straws for environmental reasons.
Straws -- those cute little tubes
that let you drink your milkshake.
Well, look, I'm getting older, and sometimes I look around,
and I don't even recognize the world I'm living in anymore.
Things are changing every day,
and, well, not always for the better.
[ Light laughter ]
And it's times like these that I think it's a good idea
to sit back and talk about
how things were just a bit more simple
back in my day.
[ Cheers and applause ]
[ Mid-tempo music plays ]
[ Cheers and applause continue ]
♪♪
Back in my day,
we weren't saving the environment by banning straws.
Back in my day, we saved the environment by sharing straws.
[ Laughter ]
In fact, we shared so many straws,
we all got mono and had to stay home from school.
[ Laughter ]
Unfortunately, that was the day
they were going to teach us all about global warming.
[ Laughter ]
[ Laughter continues ]
Back in my day, the Miss America Pageant
wasn't doing away with the swimsuit competition --
not that I would know,
because I never watched that part of the pageant, anyway.
I only ever watched the Miss America Pageant
for the articles.
[ Laughter ]
[ Applause ]
Back in my day,
they weren't remaking "Spider-Man" with Tom Holland.
Hogwash!
They were remaking "Spider-Man" with Andrew Garfield.
[ Laughter ] And it's like,
"Why are we only casting British people as Spider-Man?"
[ Laughter ]
Peter Parker hails from Queens.
He doesn't hail to Queens.
[ Laughter and applause ]
The Queen, though...
The Queen, though, she'd make a pretty good Aunt May...
[ Light laughter ]
...is what I think. [ Laughter ]
Back in my day, we didn't worry about silly things
like concussions in football
and how they might be affecting our brains and memory.
No, sir.
Back in my day, we played football,
and, uh...
we, uh...
[ Laughter ]
[ Laughter continues ]
Well, I reckon I can't remember what I was talking about.
[ Laughter and applause ] Back in my day,
we weren't complaining that MoviePass was broken,
because, back then,
"Transformers" was the only thing in the theater,
and we didn't want to go to the movies in the first place.
[ Laughter ] A car that talks, bitch?
I liked it when it was called "Knight Rider."
[ Laughter and applause ]
[ Light laughter ]
Back in my day, LeBron James wasn't opening schools.
Fiddlesticks.
Back then, the only thing LeBron James was opening
was his mouth in disbelief
as J.R. Smith threw away the entire season.
[ Laughter ]
Got to watch that clock, dude. Come on.
[ Light laughter ]
Back in my day,
you didn't masturbate in front of people at work.
Wagon fires!
Back in my day, you waited
until you were in the privacy of your own home
and you masturbated like a gentleman, alone.
[ Dog barking ]
[ Laughter ]
Well, I know you were there, Rusty, but dogs don't count.
[ Dog barking ] [ Laughter ]
Oh. Oh, you do count?
Well, then, I owe you 1,000 apologies.
[ Laughter ]
[ Dog barking ]
[ Applause ]
[ Light laughter ]
[ Dog growling ]
[ Laughter ]
[ Laughter continues ]
Back in my day, white supremacists
weren't co-opting the "A-okay" hand gesture
as a new racist sign.
Heck fire, no.
Back then, if you flashed the "A-okay" sign,
it only meant one thing --
you was a dorky-ass weirdo.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Back in my day, we weren't buying self-driving cars.
Back in my day, if you wanted a self-driving car,
you got it the old-fashioned way,
by putting a brick on the accelerator
off your Trans Am... [ Laughter ]
...and then watching it drive just straight into the river.
[ Laughter ]
And then you collect the insurance check,
at which point, you'd self-drive your butt
right into a seat at the blackjack table at the Sands.
And then you'd -- you'd gamble away
that insurance money.
But seriously, folks, if you or a loved one
is suffering from a gambling addiction,
at least it's not crack.
[ Laughter ]
[ Laughter continues ]
Back in my day, Cynthia Nixon wasn't running for governor.
No, the only place she was running was away from commitment
with Steve the bartender on "Sex and the City."
[ Laughter and applause ]
And then Steve would be like, "Aw, come on, Miranda,
Let's just do it, okay?" [ Laughter ]
"Have a baby and buy a 5th-floor walk-up in Brooklyn."
[ Dog barks ]
What's that, Rusty?
[ Dog barking ]
Actually, I don't think it's weird
to be doing a Steve from the "Sex and the City" impression
in 2018.
[ Laughter ] [ Dog bark ]
[ Laughter ]
[ Dog growling ]
[ Laughter ]
[ Laughter continues ]
Back in my day...
[ Laughs ]
[ Laughter ]
Back in my day, people weren't mad at "The New Yorker"
for inviting Steve Bannon to talk at its festival.
People were mad at "The New Yorker"
because their magazine kept coming every single week,
even though you didn't have time to read the one you just got.
[ Laughter ]
And then you'd have a pile of them.
And you'd say, "I'm not throwing these out
'cause I really want to read that article
about Japanese wind farms." [ Laughter ]
But you never did read that article.
You never did, and you never will.
And the pile gets bigger and bigger and bigger,
till, one day, the pile just tips over,
lands on top of you, and then you die.
[ Laughter ]
Well, I'm sorry I had to do all that,
but sometimes this grumpy gramps grumps up a grand old grumpette
and gots to grump it down.
[ Laughter ] This has been "Back in my Day."