Theme: I'll be ready (I'll be ready)
Theme: Never you fear (No don't you fear)
Theme: I'll be ready
Theme: Forever and always, I'm always here
Allison: Hey y'all, the boring exposition part is over Baywatch party time!
(Tropical Music)
Allison: All right, "In Deep," let's go. So here's something you're gonna hate about Baywatch season one
Allison: They seemed under the impression that children should be a heavy focus on this program
Allison: Possibly because they thought it was a family show, but I don't know
Allison: which means you're gonna see quite a few plots that center around Hobie and his friends
Allison: So you know the folks watching for the boobs might be wanting to take a cold shower
if they don't fast forward between montages
Allison: I'm complaining about the focus on boring children the season
Allison: But I'm also partially thankful because it gives us more of a chance to explore Mitch and Hobie's relationship
Allison: It's less that of a father and child and more a married couple where one of them happens to be 13
Allison: I should also take the time to note
Allison: that between the pilot movie in the show proper Hobie has grown a magnificent mullet
Heavenly Music plays
Mitch: We got to clean this place up starting right now.
Hobie: Why there aren't any girls around?
Mitch: Exactly, I'd like there to change one of these days
Allison: Mitch, your kid is not gonna get you chicks, let's just face reality here.
Allison: You'd have better luck adopting Eddie and pretending he's your man child of a son.
Allison(as Eddie): Dad, I want ice cream.
Allison (as Mitch): You're gonna eat your burger, and you'll like it.
Allison (as Eddie): You're not my real dad (fake crying)
Mitch: Hey, where you going? I thought you were gonna help me.
Hobie: I'd love to dad, but, I've got an education at stake here.
Allison (as Mitch) What are you going to school for you're supposed to stay home and clean my shit up?
Allison: But hobie is not actually going to summer school or cleaning up after his emotionally stunted father.
He's hanging out with a couple of ventriloquists
Hobie (poorly dubbed): All right!
Allison: This may also be the first documented case of someone calling Hobie "Hobster"
Jet skier: Look at me Hobster!
Allison: The "Hobster" has fallen in with the wrong couple of kids
...or rather a couple of much older gentlemen that have no reason or incentive to be hanging around kids
Jet skier: Hobster, what do you say, up for shooting a beer (the pier)?
Allison (as Jetskier): I routinely drink with 13 year olds
haha. Armpit Hair patrol away!
Allison: Pitts McGee here is trying to get hobie to Jet ski next to the pier.
Or as I lovingly call it:
Dramatic Music Sting
The Death Pier
Jetskier: Hobie, don't be a dweeb
Hobie: I may never get another chance.
Allison: Oh, there's always another chance the death pier waits for all
Allison: But seriously what are the chances you'll be able to Jetski near that pier again?
Allison: He lives like a million miles away
Allison: Fortunately Hobie narrowly escapes the clutches of the Death Pier... for now
Dramatic Music Sting
Allison: But look who cares?
Allison: We get to meet Garner Ellerbe for the first time played by the amazing Gregory Allen Williams
Allison: That's right the Gregallen Williams of Baywatch nights fame
Allison: But before he was a PI
Allison: he was but a humble officer in the beach police hitting the sand because he loves his job
Garner: Sand in my shoes, blisters on my feet, shoot.
Garner: Transferring me down here was cruel and unusual punishment
Mitch: Now you should have thought of that before you had a little run-in with your police captain
Garner: That little run-in with my captain was the highlight of my life. Hahahaha
Allison: Well the credits might as well just roll now
I think we've seen all this episode has to offer
Allison: We get more Hobster/Mitch antics as Mitch pays his child three bucks to wash his car
and then admires his poster of a scantily clad woman
Allison (as Mitch): Whoa man, we don't see many women in bikinis on the beach, that's for sure
Allison: Things get heated though when Mitch voices his disapproval of jet skis
Allison: and Hobie, in turn, accuses him of hating fun
Hobie: Yeah, well you hate anything that's fun
Kill Bill Revenge Music Plays
Hobie: He says he's a fun guy
Craig: who does?
Allison (as Craig): I'll set the record straight here: no one is as fun as me
Intense Music
Allison: Craig either gives Hobie a truck ton of crack cocaine or a heaping helping of sage fatherly advice
Allison: I'll leave it up to you to decide which
Allison: Meanwhile Trevor is still being Australian, but incompetent
Allison: But he's lost his awesome blond highlights. He still got a cereal box fresh-faced though.
Trevor: You want me
Jill: Oh
Allison (as Jill) Oh, I just remembered where I left my keys!
Allison: whoa the chemistry flies off the screen
Allison: I certainly hope this is a planned romantic subplot that will definitely go somewhere
Allison: Out in the ocean, this woman is killing some screen time when
Allison: Hobie's older gentleman friends decide to check her out: a demonstration of the danger of power skis
Allison: We learn this lesson through subtle tactics such as a character literally saying "this is dangerous"
Windsurfer: This is dangerous!
Allison: Not that I'm doubting the evils of illegal jet skiing
Allison: But I'm pretty sure if you run anything straight into someone it's gonna be dangerous
Allison: The sail board is found abandoned and the rescue team is sent out
(Shippy's theme plays over nothing happening)
Allison (sarcastic): It's riveting
Allison: So instead of that I'm gonna tell you about Ship McBoatington over here, "Shippy" for short.
Allison: He's so dubbed because he's almost exclusively gonna be the guy steering the boat on all of the rescues
Allison: The guy playing him is Greg Barnett, which is also his character name
Allison: He's similar to Newmie in that he's mostly playing himself
Allison: because he's there to make everyone else look good
Allison: If you've watched television or movies over the last 40 to 50 years you've seen something he's worked on.
Allison: He's an incredibly prolific stunt guy with almost 400 credits to his name. He's also won an emmy
Allison: Which makes him far more successful than Baywatch ever was. Hats off to Shippy
Allison: Mitch and Craig tried to do some detective-ing as to what happened
Allison: as Garner jokes about letting the "professionals" take the sailboard in.
Allison: Sure, a woman is probably dead, but make sure to ask the lifeguards permission to take in the evidence.
Allison (sarcastic): Hahaha
Garner: How do you know the victim was a woman?
Mitch: Especially once we now down the possible launch sites with wind and current calculations?
Craig: Let's get on it.
Mitch: Yeah.
Garner: Hey, nonono, wait a minute. How do you guys know all this stuff?
Craig: Because the rigging set for a woman
Mitch: I mean judging by the boom she's at least five foot six five or seven
Aliison: Who's the professional now, Garner? Better leave the detective work to the lifeguards, pal.
Mitch: Maybe the Lab can trace some fingerprints on the boom
Allison: Mitch and Garner like sassy gay best friends
Allison: In order to prove that he's not a fun hater,
Allison: Mitch dresses like the lamest dad ever and has a burger slam dunking contest with Hobie.
Allison (as Mitch): The day I stop loving burgers the day Hobie dies. ha ha ha.
Allison (as Hobie): Ha, you mean the day you die, right?
Kill Bill Revenge Music Plays
Allison: And neither of them wash their hands after their meat throwing contest?
Maybe this episode should have been about the dangers of Salmonella
Mitch: Gotta level with me Pal
Allison: What's with the abundance of cute nicknames here?
Allison: If Mitch started a pal jar and added a quarter every time he called Hobie some sort of friendly moniker, he'd have enough for a new car within a week
Mitch: Come on pal.
Mitch: You gotta level with me pal
Mitch: Those are the breaks man.
Mitch: What's going on man?
Mitch:Thanks for telling the truth Pal
Mitch: You're okay pal
Mitch: Listen to me pal
Allison: Also, Hobie has de-aged a year
Hobie: You know it's not fair? Being 12 years old or not having to say about anything.
Mitch: See you're 13 right?
Allison: Hey, here's a question:
Allison: Why does garner call Mitch in the middle of the night
Allison: to update him on the potential homicide investigation?
Allison (as Mitch) oh the lakers are gonna get y'all just kidding. It's me.
Allison (as Mitch) Hey, hobie. You ever feel not so fresh?
Hobie: There's this girl, dad
Mitch (happily): Well, there's a girl.
Allison (as Mitch):Well, why didn't you say so! Set me up with her Pal.
Allison: Meanwhile Eddie spends the majority of the episode pretending he isn't homeless.
Allison: It'd be sad if it weren't Eddie
Shawnie: You said this was your number, but when I tried to call you last night I got a pizza parlor
Eddie: Why'd you call?
Allison (as Eddie): No one ever calls me.
Allison (as Eddie) You're my best friend Seagull
Allison (as Seagull): Go fuck yourself small fry.
(Allison whines as Eddie)
Allison: Eventually Craig discovers Eddie sleeping in one of the towers and the jig is up.
Allison: He offers Eddie a breakfast of eggs and pancakes so they can discuss it
Allison (as Eddie): Thanks Craig. No one's ever bought me breakfast before.
Allison (as Craig): Oh, whoa. Is that a corpse over there? Sorry Eddie I'm giving her breakfast instead.
(Allison whines as Eddie)
Eddie: I was in the tower sleeping-
Craig: sweeping
Craig: Sweeping, Eddie knows its against the rules to sleep in the tower
Allison (as Mitch): Hmm. I'm onto you
Allison: After a denim filled talk where this one woman decides to keep skating around Eddie for some reason,
Craig offers to ask Gina to help him find a place to live .
Allison: Air guitar! Air guitar!
Allison: This is followed by a montage
Allison: The only important thing you need to know about this is that Eddie is assaulted by a mime
Allison (as Eddie): Ow, damn it
Allison: All right, if you want to invite a disaster of a person to meet your wife. That's your decision Craig
Allison (as Eddie): I caught the Black Plague once.
Allison: Since the pilot movie Gina has transformed into another actress and she and Craig have moved
Eddie: Whoa
Eddie: This is it.
Allison: It's a real piece of shit, huh?
Allison: It's nice of Gina to give Craig and Eddie the child size cups.
Allison: Upon discovering that Eddie can't afford anything else
Allison: Gina makes the tragic mistake of offering to let Eddie sleep in their storage closet.
Music: I have got to be, where my spirit can run free
Gotta find my corner of the-
(Sound of mime assaulting Eddie)
Allison (as Eddie): Why does this keep happening?
Allison: Check out this motherfucking ensemble
Allison: Salmon pink shirt yellow shoes
Allison: Freaking. Checkered. Shorts.
Allison: If acting didn't work out for this kid I sincerely hope you went into modeling after this
Fisherman: If you think it's loud up here, you should be a fish. You'll rattle your little gills off
Allison: The wisest man on Baywatch Beach
Allison: So naturally Mitch, Jill, and Garner: Detective lifeguards
Allison: act on his tip and decide to check out Hobie's friend
Allison: Conveniently, Hobie has just overheard the two dudes
Allison: talking about the girl they totally murdered and is on the run from it McCrazyington
(Shippy's theme plays)
Allison: Shippy to the rescue
(Shippy's theme plays)
Hobie: That's Scott, he killed that girl, dad. He's the one!
Mitch: Let's get him! (Alarm sounds)
(Shippy's theme plays yet again)
Allison (laughing): Oh, lordy, I promise I did not edit any of that.
Allison:They even play the stupid music again for no reason
(Shippy's Theme AGAIN)
Allison: And with a magnificent flying tackle (ten points) Mitch takes down the bad guy
And justice is served The Death Pier will have to wait another day
Hobie: I was so scared dad.
Mitch: So was I pal
Hobie: I promise I won't ask you another question about power skis.
Mitch: Glad to hear it
Hobie: I want a hang glider
Allison (as Mitch): Haha, you little shit
Next time on Baywatch
Allison: Mitch fights the weather. Meanwhile, stupid children are stuck in a storm drain.
Allison: Also can Craig decide between being a lawyer and a lifeguard?!
Allison: Tune in next time to find out