so I have parents all the time asking me
how do I deal with this difficult
teenager well teenagers aren't the same
as children it's kind of a different
animal we'll get into that today at live
on purpose TV teenagers are so much fun
I had fun as a teenager I had a whole
lot of fun raising a few and working
with something here in my practice there
are times however one is so frustrating
why it's because the control has shifted
do you remember in some of the parenting
videos we've talked about I shared with
you the three stages of moral
development and we picked control
against maturity as you become more
mature you take more control and
teenagers as they start to mature will
take control over their own life whether
you want to or not teenagers as they
gain maturity will take more control
whether you want them to or not whether
you intend to share it with them or not
they're gonna take it as this control
shifts it can become a little
frustrating for the parents it can be
kind of frustrating for the teenagers
too especially if the parents are trying
to cling to control that they no longer
really have the authority to hang on to
so it gets to be a control battle so
let's start with that control battles
three rules three rules for control
battles rule number one avoid them okay
don't give in to them unless you
absolutely have to avoid those control
battles rule number two if you can't
avoid them win them yeah I tell this to
teenagers too by the way they're just
better at it than their parents are if
you can't avoid the power struggle you
make sure you win it here's step number
three and it helps you with step number
two actually you pick the issues you
pick the issues as long as you pick
something you control you're gonna be
safe you know what years ago I was doing
a home-improvement project and I'm not a
plumber I'm a psycho
but this project involved a little bit
of plumbing it was very basic stuff that
I figured I could probably do with the
help of YouTube and some consultation
and so I went to my dad and he shared
with me the two rules of plumbing that's
so insightful so wife's thank you Dad
for these two rules he said Paul there's
only two things you need to know about
plumbing rule number one water runs
downhill as well as other fluids but
water runs downhill okay pretty
important to know when your plumbing
rule number two don't lick your fingers
which was a joke right but I got a kick
out of that and realized you know what
it's the same thing when we're dealing
with teenagers because there's two rules
and the first rule is the water runs
downhill rule some things you control
other things you don't get really clear
about which is which rule number two
this is the don't lick your fingers rule
pay attention to the stuff you do
control so you gotta be really
discerning about what you control and
what you don't I've had so much fun in
my office with parents it's fun for me
that's the clarification okay sometimes
they're pulling their hair out but it's
fun for me to have this conversation
with parents where we draw a big T chart
if you can picture a big capital T all
right and it's just a chart so on the
one side we're going to list all of the
things that they're teenager controls
and on the other list we're gonna list
all of the things that the parents
control related to that teens life so
over here on the teenager side were
listing things like school for example
who controls how your teenager shows up
at school well they do
how about substances you know alcohol
other drugs smoking vaping whatever it
is teenager controls that stuff how
about there
attitude oh yeah that side of the chart
do you see how this is all stacking up
how they handle friends how they handle
cooperation how they handle language how
they handle piercings or tattoos how
they handle whatever it is that's in
their control right now we mentioned a
few things there that you might be
thinking as a parent wait a minute I get
to decide whether they get a tattoo well
yeah maybe because they reach an age
where they're gonna take the control
even if you're not willing to share with
them yet right so I throw those things
onto the teenagers list because this is
all the stuff that they control now what
does mom and dad control what's on this
side of the list ooh and this is where I
get blank you know kind of deer in the
headlights looks from parents because
they're like I don't know there's
nothing I can control here right well
there's nothing on that side of the list
that they control but what about their
side here's where it gets fun you as a
parent if you're a parent you're
watching this you know what and if
you're a teenager watching this thank
you for being here I hope you get
something useful from this I think you
might but if you're a parent what do you
control what's on your side of that
t-chart number one you control your own
attitude don't you here's a little tip
be positive okay if you're not sure how
to do that go back to the homepage on
this channel the introductory video
there is how to be positive no matter
what it's the foundational concept that
I base everything else that I teach on
don't review that if you have to can you
be positive if you've gotten out of
control teenager why yes you can how you
gonna do it well go watch the video stay
positive
why because it changes how you feel it
changes your life you get to have more
joy you get to have more fun when you're
positive it may or may not change
anything that your teenagers doing
that's a whole different conversation
you start from a positive place and
that's on your side of the chart you
always get to choose your own attitude
you with me how about your own language
how about your own behavior yeah all of
that stuff's on your side of the list
here's where we get to power it up as a
parent I always control what I provide I
can draw that
now disclaimer and we to be ethical and
legal okay so let's go there for a
minute you have a moral legal ethical
obligation to provide certain things for
your children if you don't that's called
neglect or in more severe cases abuse
we're not gonna go there
that is illegal and immoral and
unethical so let's not go there you are
required to provide five freebies five
freebies here they are in order of
importance number one you are required
to love them all right now this gets
back to one of my favorite things to
share with parents your job is to love
them no matter what and even if it's
free they don't have to qualify for it
they don't have to earn it you're gonna
love them no matter what and even if
that's number one number two err no I
know you don't provide air to them but
you have no business depriving them of
it either so I put it on the list
because apparently some people don't get
this you gotta let them have their air
okay number three water you can go a
little bit longer without water than you
can without air but let's not play with
water
number four food and I'm talking
sustaining life energy here I don't mean
preferred food that's not on the
required list but food nutrition is and
then finally shelter which in most
societies on the
earth includes appropriate clothing
these are the things you are required to
provide they are the five freebies let's
be clear about those you don't get to
mess with those oh and clothing doesn't
mean preferred clothing
it means cover the bare essentials you
see where I'm going with that okay so
everything else is negotiable what I
provide is the most powerful thing on
this side of the list because I don't
control the stuff that's on that side of
the list now what do I provide
well I provide the five freebies
obviously but I also provide luxury I
provide access to space and equipment
and services and appliances and storage
of certain things you see where I'm
going with that you provide access as a
parent what else do you provide well I
mentioned services that could be its own
category there's a whole variety of
services that you provide like cooking
and cleaning and laundry and
transportation and driving and wow
there's a whole lot of services cool not
on the freebie list by the way
but you provide it don't you why is it
important to focus on this because what
you provide you control and outside of
the five freebies everything is
negotiable
so now notice this as we look at these
two sides of the T list that we made
your child you're your teenager controls
all of this stuff you control all of
this stuff which list are you more
concerned about which list do you lose
sleep over it which list do you worry
about
oh that's obvious we're worried about
this one but we don't control any of
that which list is your teenager most
concerned about well they don't seem to
be too worried about this one
do they no they're more concerned about
this list
that means we have a deal in the makin
oh that's good news we can have some
kind of a transaction here that looks
like this hey
beloved teenager of mine I will control
some of the things on this list in the
way that you like in exchange for you
controlling some of the things on this
list in a way that I like it's simply an
economic transaction now if you're
coming from a positive place and just
keep this in mind okay cuz when parents
are smiling kids are thinking good rule
of thumb when parents are smiling kids
are thinking because they're wondering
what you're up to what do you know that
they need to tune into well that's kind
of where I want my kids to be so we come
from a positive place and we simply
offer hey you know what I would be happy
to control this thing in a way that you
like if you will control this thing in a
way that I like deal now can they throw
that back in your face yeah absolutely
well what do you do you simply accept
that they have rejected your offer what
if it looks like this hey buddy I know I
know you've been kind of struggling with
school and it's not fair for me to keep
nagging you we call it reminding do they
call it yeah nagging hey buddy it's not
fair for me to be nagging you constantly
about school you know I'm not gonna do
that anymore I trust you to make good
decisions about school and how you're
gonna handle things because it's really
important to me here's what I'd be
willing to do now we're going to our
lists right I would be willing to allow
you access to my vehicles and I would
even be willing to provide driving
services for you to get where you need
to go if you would be willing to stay
current in all of your classes and
tend all of them every day has a so now
what if it's no I don't like that
teacher and they are on my case all the
time thank you that's not fair
okay so did he accept your offer or not
well maybe not so you simply just accept
that you say okay let me know if you
change your mind
now what do you do you control this in a
way that might encourage him to control
this one so he doesn't get to have
transportation services you know what
they're gonna try to turn it back on you
well how am I gonna get to school if
you're not willing to drive me well
first of all if you're doing your
schooling you get some driving services
so that's gonna work out just fine but I
like to deflect that with a simple
acknowledgement of their competence and
intelligence okay I I usually respond to
it in this way for example you know I'm
not sure buddy but I'm I'm pretty
confident that you can figure that out
you're bright see how powerful that is
simply an economic transaction at that
point I've been so impressed with the
way you parents have been interacting
here at live on purpose TV
I love the comments
interaction I'll see you tomorrow
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