Hello Brains!
A lot of us work really hard to make everyone around us happy.
So...
Why aren’t they happy?!
Those of us with ADHD tend to be people pleasers,
which can be an admirable quality.
Wanting to make people happy is great.
Being kind and generous -- it's a good thing!
And occasionally putting others’ needs before our own is part of what makes us good friends
and partners.
But a lot of us, including me, take this instinct a bit too far
and end up trying to make other people happy
at the expense of our own needs and happiness.
Why is this a problem?
First of all, you can’t MAKE someone happy.
You can bring them joy, or brighten their day, but someone’s base level of happiness
isn’t something we can directly control.
Believe me, I’ve tried.
Second of all, when we people please, we tend to use a form of communication that actually
isn’t great for relationships.
It’s called “passive communication”
or, staying quiet about our needs and feelings
and the experts are pretty clear on this — it creates a lot of problems.
Whether we like it or not, we *have needs*
and going too long without them getting met can lead to resentment
and bubble up into passive-aggressive or even aggressive communication.
Ever scream at someone that it’s THEIR turn to do the dishes for once?!
Yeah.
That.
And now, nobody’s happy.
Passive communication can also be super uncomfortable for the other person.
It can send mixed signals, like if we’re saying yes when our body language is clearly
saying no —
and it can make those around us hesitant to ask for what they need because they don’t
trust that we’ll say no if we can’t do it.
Also, when we don’t say no often enough, we end up overextending ourselves and having
to bail on people, which definitely does not make them happy.
Even when people *do* seem happy with the whole “their needs are getting met,
ours aren’t” situation, it’s really not sustainable.
Eventually, something's gonna have to give.
And in the meantime, it’s not healthy for us.
Long term, passive communication can result in anxiety, depression, stress, burnout —
even low self-esteem.
Because basically what we’re saying when we take care of others’ needs and feelings
at the expense of our own is this:
“your needs are important, mine aren’t.”
We’re literally de-valuing ourselves.
Which I have done.
A lot.
I used to think that speaking up for my needs made it seem like I didn’t care --
or I thought my needs were more important than theirs.
Which wasn't true.
I did care.
Usually, I felt their needs were MORE important than mine.
So I stayed quiet.
And tried not to need things.
It did not go well.
Luckily, there’s a form of communication that allows us to speak up for our needs while
also respecting the needs of others.
It’s called “assertive communication.”
Wait don’t click away!
If you’re used to passive communication, “assertive” communication can sound awfully
aggressive.
And I think that's because by the time we hit the point of asserting ourselves, yeah,
we usually have hit the point of aggression.
Aggressive communication is pushy and demanding, using words or a tone that says
“My needs are important, yours aren’t.”
I DON’T CARE IF YOU’RE HUNGRY, FEED YOURSELF, I NEED A BATH.
Assertive communication says this: “your needs are important — so are mine.”
Example: “I don’t feel up to cooking tonight.
I've had a hard day and could really use a bath.”
You’re not saying you don’t care that they’re hungry
or that they shouldn’t get fed,
just that you’re not up to doing it.
Which sets the groundwork for a solution that works for both of you.
Like... takeout!
So.
Howdowedoit.
The way to communicate assertively is to communicate our *actual needs and feelings*
as clearly and accurately as possible.
In a way in which they can be easily understood.
One of the easiest and most effective ways to do this is to
turn off all the typical communication filters
and simply state our feelings and needs as facts.
“I prefer this.”
“I need this.”
“I like that. ”
“I don’t like that.”
For those of us used to ignoring or minimizing our needs, this simple change can be really
empowering, improve our self-esteem, create better relationships, and lower stress and
anxiety.
It can also feel super uncomfortable at first -- to talk about our feelings and needs
as if they’re “real things” that need to be “taken into consideration” --
but they are.
Our feelings and needs exist whether it’s convenient for them to or not,
so it's important that we take them into consideration.
It’s also important not to apologize for them.
In case nobody's ever told you this:
It’s not your fault you have needs.
You're human.
Humans are high maintenance.
Assertive communication doesn’t guarantee we’ll get those needs met, but it does
make it a whole lot more *likely* --
And being clear about our needs can actually make it easier on other people, because then
they don’t have to guess at them --
and waste effort and resources in trying to meet them in ways that
don't actually work for us.
They also don’t have to meet them just because we express them.
In fact, in situations where needs conflict, which will happen, being open and honest about
what our needs are can actually make them feel more comfortable being open and honest
about theirs, which makes it a whole lot easier to find a better solution overall.
And yeah, speaking up for our needs does mean that sometimes, people will decide to put
their needs aside for ours, and that’s okay.
Getting our wants and needs met is a good thing, because it gives us more energy to
meet the wants and needs of others.
As one of the brains put it, you can’t pour from an empty teapot.
The fuller our teapots, the more tea we have to give — and still have some left for ourselves.
Which helps build sustainable, mutually satisfying relationships.
And that’s what actually makes people happy.
If you want to learn more about assertive communication, I’ve linked to resources
in the description below;
and I'm gonna be working on an episode that will have specific tips and lots of examples.
So if there's a particular situation that you're curious about how to handle, put it
in the comments below and I'll try to tackle that in the next episode.
Thank you to my Brain Advocates and all my Patreon Brains for meeting my need for support
so I can continue researching and creating videos like these.
Like, subscribe, click all the things and I will see you in the next video!
Bye brains!