Why haven't you been here in three years?
>> You haven't asked.
You co-hosted with me last time, I think.
>> That was really fun.
>> It was really fun.
And I heard people say that I was just a little funnier than you.
Yeah, I'm sure you were.
>> Yeah. And I don't know why you wouldn't come
back then.
I will come here every day, if you want me to.
>> Really, alright.
>> Sure. Well, I might ask you to do that.
[APPLAUSE] >> First of all, congratulations on
your People's Choice nomination.
>> Thank you. Congratulations on that.
[APPLAUSE] And I assume you've been before, I mean-
>> Well, the first thing I wanna say is
congratulations on your three People's Choice award.
Thank you, [APPLAUSE] thank you.
[APPLAUSE] And
I guess I just want to know why you always have taunt me?
>> [LAUGH] What is it?
Is it something that I could do to change?
Why do you always have to just beat me?
I have not played ping-pong yet with you today.
And if we do that, you will beat me for sure.
>> Okay. You're a better ping pong player.
Okay, but I'd rather have the stupid award.
>> [LAUGH] It's not a stupid award.
No it's a wonderful award.
>> From the people.
>> Now I assume you've been there many times with friends.
Yes I have and I have a little story about being into People's Choice Awards.
That I wanna warn you guys in advance.
That I dropped a lot of names in the story.
So I'm sorry, but I can't tell it without dropping the names.
So, about, I don't know, ten, 15 years ago, whenever The Sixth Sense was out
okay, you guys remember the movie The Sixth Sense?
>> [CHEERING] Good movie.
>> Great movie. Great movie.
So, Bruce Willis won the People's Choice Award for Best Actor that year, and
he asked me to present it to him.
So, I said sure, and I went to the People's Choice Awards and
I presented him the award.
And then backstage for, this is where I drop names.
Backstage for ten minutes.
M. Night Shyamalan, Bruce Willis, and
Haley Joel Osment were sitting in a very small closet together, for
like ten minutes, okay?
So now, use your brains, and fast forward six months.
So now, six months later, this is back when I was drinking, I
was at the Sunset Marquis Hotel with some friends and we were having some drinks.
And having a pretty good time.
And M. Night Shyamalan walks in.
And he walked right up to me and said, Mathew, hi, and I went, my God.
Hi, how are you?
I haven't seen you in so long.
Do you want to join us?
And he said, sure.
And so for about an hour and
a half my friends were there with M. Night Shyamalan, we're talking and
noticing that we aren't talking much about showbizness or anything.
We're talking about life and loss, and girls and stuff like that.
And eventually my friends filter out, and they leave, and it's just me and
M. Night Shyamalan now, so we're talking, we're laughing, we're having a good time,
but I start to notice, he like really likes me.
[LAUGH] Like,
every joke I say, he's falling all over himself.
And I'm like, M. Night Shyamalan loves me.
This is the greatest night of my life.
So we kept talking and he said, you know there's a club opening up
across town called The Deluxe, you wanna go with me?
And I was like, are you kidding?
Sure, yeah, that would be great.
Let's go to Deluxe.
And so we got in our cars and we're driving to Deluxe.
And I did this thing, this idiot actor thing that I'd never done before.
And I know this never works, because you never get jobs this way.
Have you noticed that?
You meet like big important directors.
It never leads to a job, but
I was convinced that this night was going to be a life changing night for me.
And I was going to become a gigantic movie star as a result of this night.
Like M. Night Shyamaylan, is gonna make a next movie, and
the trick ending is going to be me.
[LAUGH] You know, what I mean?
He just loves me.
So we go into Club Deluxe and we're sitting there for another hour.
So now, it's like four hours of sitting with him.
And I feel the courage, and this was really stupid,
I feel the courage to go, we should work together sometime.
And he went exactly like this, he went [LAUGH]
Like that.
And I went, wow, I wish I hadn't asked that question.
That probably ruined the whole thing.
And then he excused himself to go to the bathroom, and
another friend came up to me.
And he said how's your night going?
And I said are you kidding I'm having the greatest night of my life.
M. Night Shyamalan has been hanging around me all night.
He loves me. He's laughing at all my jokes.
This is the greatest night of my life.
I'm going to be a huge movie star.
And then M. Night came out of the bathroom and
my friend went that's not M. Night Shyamalan.
[LAUGH] And I look up and I went, it's not him.
It's just an Indian gentleman.
Wow.
Who happens to look a lot like M. Night Shyamalan.
>> Wow. Yeah [Applause] that's a shame.
And what I like about my M. Night Shyamalan story,
is it has a twist ending.
[CROSSTALK].
Yeah. But he had the greatest night of his life,
whoever that guy is.