-Whenever Donald Trump holds a press conference,
his rambling, nonsensical answers
raise more questions than they answer.
So, we decided to hold another one right here right now.
That's right, Donald Trump and the "Late Night" press corps
are here in our studio, and ready to go.
So, without further ado, it's time for
the "Late Night" White House Press Conference.
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
Mr. President. Mr. President.
Yes, Mr. President, yes. Thank you.
Seth Meyers, "Late Night with Seth Meyers."
President Trump, you've been in office
for more than two years, now.
Have you figured out how to do your job yet?
-I'll probably never get it, but that's okay.
[ Laughter ]
-Where do you stand on the issues?
-On the wrong side of every one of them.
[ Laughter ]
-According to your recent physical, you gained 4 pounds.
What happened?
-Well, what's happening is growth.
[ Laughter ]
-And how is your cholesterol?
-A lot of people think it's 506 billion.
Some people think it's much more than that.
[ Laughter ]
-We haven't seen Rudy Giuliani in a while.
How's he doing?
-At least partially living.
[ Laughter ]
-How do you greet Melania every morning?
-I said, "I haven't seen you before."
She said, "No. I'm new." I said, "That's too bad."
[ Laughter ]
-Who makes -- Who makes all those MAGA hats?
-A large team of very talented people in China.
[ Laughter ]
-Don't take this the wrong way.
You seem to have a hard time
estimating the sizes of your crowds,
so let's just try something.
How many people do you think are sitting here with me right now?
-8 billion or 2 billion or 1 1/2 billion.
[ Light laughter ]
-During your physical, did your doctor say
how he was going to get your head out of your ass?
-They're doing it surgically.
[ Laughter ]
-When you're out to eat,
what are your favorite pieces of fried chicken?
-Legs and arms.
[ Laughter ]
-What did you say when you dropped off your son Eric
on the very first day of pre-school?
-Enjoy your life.
[ Laughter ]
-Is Ted Bundy the worst guy you could think of?
-Nope. Donald Trump.
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Hey, um...
I know you watch a ton of TV.
Can you describe the plot of the TV show "Seinfeld"?
-They sit around a table. They have lunch.
They eat. They dine.
And they waste a lot of time.
[ Laughter ]
-What do you spend most of your day on?
-My butt.
[ Laughter ]
-I've got to be honest. I'm afraid a lot of your answers
aren't making much sense.
-You know why?
-Why?
-Trump is crazy.
[ Laughter ]
-And when, exactly, did you start going crazy?
-19...77, or so.
[ Light laughter ]
-What would you say to an American right now
who is having a problem paying their bills?
-Sell drugs.
[ Laughter ]
-What's your favorite part of an Oreo?
-Right smack in the middle is phenomenal.
[ Laughter ]
-What would you do if I told you
I was responsible for McDonald's doing all-day breakfast?
-Give you the Nobel Peace Prize.
[ Laughter ]
-I'm a little shy about this, but...
do you like my suit?
-Stand up just for a second. Show how beautiful.
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Thank you.
Hey, I'm thinking of a number between 1 and 10.
Can you guess what it is?
-56.
[ Laughter ]
-Since you became president,
what have you been looking forward to the most?
-Death.
[ Laughter ]
So, that's, frankly, one of the things I'm most excited about.
[ Laughter ]
-Let's do a fun one.
What would the name "Hannah" sound like
with an Australian accent?
-Hanoi.
[ Laughter ]
I think you're right.
And now, I'd like to finish with a question I always ask.
President Trump, how's your penis?
-I don't know what to do with it.
[ Laughter ]
-But how's your penis?
-It's wrong. It's wrong.
It's just a lie. It's all a lie.
-How's you penis?
-It's a horror show.
-Well, it looks like we're out of time.
So, on behalf of the rest of the "Late Night" press corps,
have a good night.
We'll be right back with Paul Giamatti.