NOW YOU ARE THE LORD, GOD, ALMIGHTY IN "AN ACT OF GOD."
>> THAT'S RIGHT, THAT'S RIGHT.
>> Stephen: WHAT'S IT LIKE TO PLAY GOD?
>> WELL, YOU TELL ME.
I-- IT'S WONDERFUL.
UN, THE CONCEIT OF THE SHOW IS THAT GOD INHABITS THE BODY OF
SEAN HAYES THE ACTOR-- THANK GOD EVIDENCE AVAILABLE.
( LAUGHTER ) AND THAT HE HAS GROWN WEARY OF
HIS 10 COMMANDMENTS SO HERE ARE 10 NEW COMMANDMENTS TO PRESENT
TO THE AUDIENCE EIGHT TIMES A WEEK.
AND IT'S REALLY GREAT.
IT ANSWEREDS ALL THE QUESTIONS YOU HAD AS A KID AND ASKS A FEW
NEW ONES AS WELL.
>> Stephen: AND HERE'S A CLIP.
>> ONE THING I DEFINITELY AM IS A BRAND.
I AM AN ESTABLISHED, WELL-RESPECTED BRAND, OKAY.
SO WHEN I SEE SOME BACKUP WIDE RECEIVER FROM ( BLEEP )
UNIVERSITY ON SPORTSCENTER POINT TO ME AFTER SCORING A TOUCHDOWN,
IT CHEAPENS THE BRAND!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> I HAVE TO SAY, OUT OF ALL THE
SHOWS YOU HAVE TO CHOOSE FROM BROADWAY, THAT ONE LOOKS PRETTY
ENTERTAINING.
>> Stephen: IT SURE DOES.
"HAMILTON."
THERE YOU GO.
>> HAMILTON-SCHAMILTON.
>> Stephen: THAT'S THE FOUNDER OF THE UNIVERSE RIGHT THERE.
>> I AM ON EVERY DOLLAR BILL, NOT JUST THE 10.
>> Stephen: IN SEAN WE TRUST.
THAT'S WHAT IT SAYS AT THE TOP.
>> THAT'S RIGHT.
>> Stephen: SOME PEOPLE-- YOU DID THE SHOW IN LOS ANGELES AND
SAN FRANCISCO.
>> I HAVE TIME FAIR LENGTHY STORY, I DO HAVE TIME.
>> Stephen: FOR A LENGTHY STORY?
>> YES.
>> Stephen: AS LONG AS IT'S A GOOD STORY.
>> IT'S IN LOS ANGELES AND SAN FRANCISCO FIRST AND NOW IT'S
HERE ON BROADWAY.
>> Stephen: LIBERAL BASTIONS.
>> I THOUGHT I WOULD HIT THE CONSERVATIVE CITIES FIRST, AND
IT WAS RECEIVED VERY WELL, BUT SOMETHING WASN'T RECEIVED VERY
WELL WAS THIS THING I'M ABOUT TO TELL YOU.
I DROVE TO THE THEATER IN LOS ANGELES, AND AS I'M DRIVING,
I'M, LIKE, OH, MY GOD VICTOR TO PEE SO BAD IT HURTS.
>> Stephen: IT'S A SHOW NIGHT?
>> I WAS ON MY WAY TO THE THEATER, OR MY DANCE BELT WAS
TOO TIGHT I DON'T KNOW-- P.S., THERE'S NO DANCING IN THE SHOW.
AND I GET TO THE THEATER, AND FINALLY BY THE TIME I GET TO THE
THEATER, NOW I'M IN REAL PAIN.
I'M LIKE OH, MY GOD, I PARK THE CAR AND GO TO THE BATHROOM AND I
PEE AND I FEEL GREAT.
NOW IT'S IN MY BACK.
AND I YELL GOOGLE APPENDIX, WHICH SIDE IS YOUR APPENDIX ON?
I READ SOMEWHERE ABOUT APPENDICITIS ONCE BECAUSE I READ
STUFF EYE DON'T WANT TO RUIN THE END OF THE STORY BUT IT TURNS
OUT YOUR APENTDIX IS NOT IN YOUR BACK FOR THOSE OF YOU WATCHING
EXPECTING TO LEARN SOMETHING FROM ME.
SO I-- SO THEN-- NOW I'M IN, LIKE, EXCRUCIATING PAIN.
I'M SCREAMING IN PAIN, THE KIND OF PAIN YOU DON'T CARE WHO IS
WATCHING OR JUDGING YOU, YOU JUST WANT THE PAIN TO BE OVER,
LIKE HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT THIS INTERVIEW PROBABLY.
( LAUGHTER ).
>> Stephen: THIS WAS RIGHT BEFORE THE SHOW?
>> THIS WAS RIGHT BEFORE THE SHOW.
I'M LIKE OH, MY GOD IT'S A HALF HOUR BEFORE THE SHOW.
WHAT COY DO, CALL 911?
IT SEEMS SO DRAMATIC TO HAVE AN AMBULANCE COME.
THAT'S SO OVER THE TOP.
LET'S DO IT!
I CALL 911, RIGHT, AND THEY WHEEL ME OUT.
I'M SO EMBARRASSED, THE SIRENS AND EVERYTHING.
AND I'M IN THE BACK AND WE'RE DRIVING TO THE E.R., THE GUY,
THE PARAMEDIC SAYS TO ME REALLY CALMLY, SO YOU'RE IN A LOT OF
PAIN?" AND I'M ROCKING BACK AND FORTH
IN AN AMBULANCE AND I COLLECT MYSELF AND CALMLY RESPOND,
"WHATEVER GAVE YOU THAT IDEA?" WE GET THERE AND BY THE TIME WE
GET THERE IT'S OVER, IT'S DONE.
THERE'S NO MORE PAIN.
AND I WAS LIKE WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?
IT TURNS OUT IT WAS A KIDNEY STONE, SO I NEVER HAD ONE
BEFORE.
YOU HAVE HEAD ONE.
>> Stephen: YES, OH, OH!
>> YES, RIGHT.
>> Stephen: IT'S AGAINST THE GENEVA CONVENTIONS.
>> THEY SAY IT'S THE MALE EQUIVALENT OF CHILDBIRTH.
SO I'M HERE TO TELL YOU I BASICALLY GAVE BIRTH TO A CHILD
OUT OF MY PENIS.
LIKE, A CHILD -- >> YET ANOTHER IMPORTANT
CULTURAL CONTRIBUTION!
ANOTHER FIRST!
>> ABSOLUTELY.
SO-- SO I-- YOU KNOW, I HELD THE STONE AND I ROCKED HIM AND I
FELT SO PROUD I CRIED.
I NAMED HIM "THE ROCK" FOR OBVIOUS REASONS, AND THE NURSE
-- >> THERE'S THE PHOTO OF YOU.
>> THERE'S THE ROCK.
AND THE NURSE CLEANED HIM OFF AND SAID, "YOU CAN TAKE HIM HOME
NOW."
SO FOR ALL THE PEOPLE WHO HAD TICKETS TO THAT SHOW, THAT
MATINEE, AND YOU SHOWED UP AND IT WAS CANCELED, YOU CAN BLAME
THE ROCK.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ).