-Welcome to "The Tonight Show," everybody.
What a show tonight.
[ Cheers and applause ]
This is the show to be at tonight.
Oh, my gosh.
Well, guys, here's some big news.
According to a new study, dogs are more effective
at detecting COVID than rapid tests.
[ Laughter ]
I'm glad we reached the point in the pandemic where the CDC is
like, "I don't know, dogs?"
[ Laughter ]
Yeah, knowing the CDC, in two days, they're going to be like,
"Never mind, it's actually rabbits. I'm sorry."
[ Laughter ]
Seriously, I have no idea what's going on.
Today, I saw Sarah McLachlan snuggling a person
with COVID, asking pets to help.
I didn't know what was happening.
[ Laughter ]
But here's how it works with dogs.
If you have symptoms, they sniff your crotch.
One hump -- [ Laughter ]
One hump means you're negative.
Two humps means you're positive.
[ Laughter and applause ]
That's what they're saying.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Yeah. Apparently, dogs are better at detecting COVID
than rapid tests, which explains
now when you take an at-home test,
the instructions look a little different.
Yeah, now the steps are one, open package.
Two, remove at-home COVID test.
Three, walk and feed at-home COVID test.
[ Laughter ]
Four, receive unconditional love from at-home COVID test.
Five, neuter at-home COVID test. [ Laughter ]
Six, let at-home COVID test sleep in your bed.
Move to couch. That is your bed now.
[ Laughter ]
Seven, socialize with other at-home COVID tests
at the at-home COVID test park.
Make small talk with other at-home COVID test owners.
Eight, repeat step 7 for 16 years.
[ Laughter ]
Nine, tell kids at-home COVID test
went to live on a farm upstate.
[ Laughter ]
Ten, try to get new at-home COVID test.
Eleven, discover your wife is allergic.
Twelve, get cat.
[ Laughter and applause ]
That's the instructions.
[ Applause ]
-That's a lot.
-Some more news, I saw that gas prices across the country have
once again surged to a record high.
You know, at this point, it's worth filling your car
with Mountain Dew and just seeing what happens.
I mean, why not? [ Laughter ]
What's the worst that could happen?
I'm worried there's no solution in sight.
Today, President Biden was like,
"Let's see if the COVID dogs got anything on this."
[ Laughter ]
Well, guys, today was the busiest election day
before November with primaries in many states,
including New Jersey, California, and Iowa.
And there are a lot of races and a lot of candidates.
So we thought we'd get you caught up on what
the biggest issues are to some of the candidates right now.
First there's Donald Payne Jr. of New Jersey.
He's running on "making it legal
to dress like a ventriloquist dummy."
[ Laughter ]
That's -- How is that -- How is that an issue?
-I didn't know it was illegal.
-These are issues they are very concerned about.
Here's Dusty Johnson of South Dakota.
He's running on "changing his name to not
sound like he's a '70s porn star."
[ Laughter ] -Wow, that's his issue?
-Dusty -- Dusty Johnson.
-Dusty Johnson.
[ Laughter ]
-That's a terrible name. -Yeah, awful name.
He's got a dusty johnson.
[ Laughter ]
-Then there's Mike Crispi from New Jersey.
-He's running on "joining the rebooted cast of 'Jersey Shore'
as their gym tan lawyer."
[ Laughter and applause ]
♪♪
"Your Honor."
-"Tan."
-"Your Honor." Yeah.
Finally, there's Rick Caruso of California.
Higgins, guess what he's running on.
-What? -He's running on "getting people
to stop saying he looks like the villain in a '90s Disney movie
where a monkey takes over his hotel."
[ Cheers and applause ]
"Get that chimpanzee out of the laundry room!"
-"There is nothing in the rule book."
-Some business news -- I read that Apple is rolling out
their own "buy now, pay later" service called Apple Pay Later.
Trust me, you don't want to owe money to a company that knows
your location and everything you've ever
searched for online. [ Laughter ]
And if you miss a payment, they send over two skinny goons
from the Genius Bar named Ethan and Zack.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Guys, listen to this. Tom Brady just announced that he is
launching his own line of Brady brand underwear.
Yep, it's the only underwear that somehow looks better
after 22 years.
[ Laughter ]
Meanwhile, Bill Belichick is asking Tom
for some underwear or outerwear.
[ Laughter ]
He'll take either one. He'll take either one.
Get this. I saw that for the summer, Panera -- I love Panera.
Panera is adding lobster mac and cheese to their menu.
[ Audience oohs ]
Yeah, it's actually part of Panera's broader strategy
to revamp their brand, and it really seems like
they're making some big changes.
Watch this commercial I saw.
-Introducing the all-new Panera Bread.
You've always loved our sandwiches and delicious soups
served in bread bowls.
Well, now, come and try our lobster mac and cheese.
Also served in a bread bowl.
Or cool off with our refreshing lemonade, served in bread cups.
Hey, how about a bread salad or a bread cookie
dunked in an ice-cold glass of bread?
Enjoy it while you sit in our bread booth.
And wave to our [Demonic voice] bread employees
with your bread wife
and your bread kids and your bread dog --
-[ Barks ]
-[ Normal voice ] And we've got fresh bagels.
Panera Bread.
[ Demonic voice ] Bread!
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Interesting.
-Wow!
-I heard that a -- I heard that a massive lettuce shortage
in Australia has forced the KFC restaurants there to put
cabbage on their burgers.
[ Audience groans ] Yeah.
My question is, "Who's getting burgers at KFC?"
[ Laughter ]
-Oh!
Oh, switch 'em up! Switch 'em up!
[ Cheers and applause ]
Damn!
-They said the bad news is "we're out of lettuce."
And then the customer said,
"Okay, then what's the bad news?"
[ Laughter ] -Hey!