- Guys, Smosh has given me the opportunity
to be a couples therapists today.
And, as someone who doesn't do relationships,
and who has never gone to therapy,
I think I'm the perfect person for this.
So let's just get this show on the road.
'Cause I got a lot to (bleep) to say.
Oh, I'm supposed to listen, my fault.
- [Kimber] Come on Mr. Muffins.
- [Mr. Muffins] You wouldn't let me take a piss
next to that tree outside, now I think I'm shaking.
- Come on, come on.
- I feel like I'm shaking right now.
- Come on. - Oh my God.
This room is so bright.
Is there any animals in here?
I think something will hurt me.
- Nice to meet you guys, introduce yourselves.
- Hi there.
My name is Kimber, and not to speak for them,
but this is my lovely little rascal, Mr. Muffins.
- I'm a 17 year old Bichon Frise and nothing
I want more in life than to (bleep) die.
(laughter) - Oh my gosh.
- Hold on, you're dating a dog?
- She's not dating me, she just thinks we're best friends.
- We're a couple, we're intertwined.
- Oh, okay, I got you.
I thought you guys were like doing the nasty and
- No that's impossible, my balls were cut off so long ago.
- Okay.
- I have to call from a payphone, otherwise
they will trace me. - I can't be there
for the payphone. - Well you won't be
there for me if the government catches me, and I die.
- Hey. - Hello.
- Hey, how are you? - I have a burner phone.
- Okay guys. - Hi. Can I smoke in here?
(laughter)
- You can do whatever you like.
- Don't do that, there's heavy metals in there.
- Introduce yourselves, what are you names?
What do you do? - I am Sarah Christ.
Ex detective, hunter for Creekside Killer.
- Hold on, do you happen
are you like related to Jesus the Christ?
- No, absolutely not.
My family, they were not religious.
(laughter) And they named me Sarah,
because they wanted me to be a good girl.
- Okay.
So what's your name?
- My name is Redacted. (laughter)
- How do you spell that?
- However the U.S. government told you to spell that word.
- It's spelled the way you think it's spelled.
- Oh, okay. (laughter)
Could you please get your ass out of my (bleep) face?
That was a big ass horse.
And why do you have two asses? (laughter)
I'm actually trying to figure out what's going on.
Okay, it's a couple of asses, oh my
(Keith screams)
(applause) Oh my God.
All right, well - Hello there.
- Hi. - Hello.
- Hello. - Hello.
- Hello, introduce yourselves.
- I am Apples, and I am the back half of Apples the Horse
- And I am Jennifer. (laughter)
- Okay, I thought you were gonna say oranges.
- No, I am Jennifer, Orange is
somewhere else. - No we don't belong together.
That's the whole thing.
- Okay, understood, understood.
Okay guys, so we're at a twelve.
I wanna bring it down to about a two.
You guys are very, very, very hostile right now with me.
And I'm here to help, okay?
- Of course, my horse. - [Keith] I'm here to help.
- Of course, my horse.
- What brings you here today?
- Personally, I think Mr. Muffins just needs to like,
I don't know, loosen up a little bit more.
I don't know if like, they need new arthritis medication
or something, but it's just like, I was just
I wanna see that vibrance that you used to have.
- Oh yeah, she wants this 17 year old Bichon Frise
to suddenly just pep up and just have a great time.
(laughter) - Yeah.
- My ancestors were wolves, but somehow I look
like some sort of abomination of nature.
- Okay. - I have to waddle
everywhere and it hurts very much.
(laughter) - So you waddle like a duck?
- It's so cute, oh my goodness.
You should follow my TikTok, I film it all the time.
- One hundred percent, can I see your waddle?
Just to get a visual? - Show them, do it.
- It's kind of like this. - Mr. Muffins, ducky!
Ducky, Mr. Muffins! - So I've been out
all of my days hunting down a killer, searching for clues.
And when I come home, I would like a little love.
I would like a little connection.
- Okay. - And Redacted thinks
I'm spying on him constantly.
- I've had this suspicion for a long time.
- Okay. - [Keith] Okay.
- And by the way, I am a
I have a conspiracy theorist podcast.
Thank you for asking. - Okay. What's the name of it?
- Available - Nobody knows.
- I'm not. - I've never heard it
in my life. - You have to find it
on the dark web, I can't tell you here.
- Oh okay. - He won't tell me
where it is, he says you never listen to my podcast.
And I say, where is it?
And he says you can't find it.
- Well if you were a real detective,
maybe you could figure that out.
See, with what - Oh wow, wow!
(audience jeers) Wow!
- I know, I know. - Okay.
- I hate that. - Yeah.
- Look, look, the thing is, she's not a real detective.
- Yes. - No, no.
What she is, she's an undercover cop.
- Oh really? - No, I am a cop.
- No you're, no, this is your cover.
- [Sarah Christ] No.
- I know what you're really here for.
- [Keith] Okay. - What is that, Redacted?
- Well, I don't know, you tell me Fed.
- What? Got it.
Okay, so you said that you just want some loving.
You want some attention when
you come back home from work, right?
- I would like someone to hold my hand
when I watch television.
- Got you, got you, got you. (laughter)
Okay, so what, okay.
What brings you here today?
- Well. - Well.
- Oh my God. This is like Tia and Tamara.
- Except that they belong together.
- Because they are not two back ends of a horse.
- So what has brought us here today is
that we are an abomination. - That we are an abomination.
- Hold on, what? (laughter)
- So years ago in 1956, - Years ago.
- we escaped a glue factory.
- When we were both young back ends of horses.
- Oh - We were,
we belonged to other front halves.
- Oh yes, we belonged
to other front halves, oh yes. - Oh yes.
- Oh yes, we belonged to others.
- And then in a big fire, we had to escape.
- We had to escape the glue factory to survive.
- And we left our front halves.
- We escaped together, and we fell in love on the way out.
- Oh wow. - God, I have never seen
an ass that won't quit like this one.
- All I want to do every day is just ride them pony.
- Guys, when did you realize that this was a problem?
- Probably from the start, I mean.
(laughter)
From the moment I first became conscious,
and I took my mouth off my mom's tit.
I looked around at the rest of the litter,
and we all looked at each other.
We said, we shouldn't be here.
This isn't normal. - Mr. Muffins,
they're just practicing their comedy.
They're really funny too.
- Oh really?
When did you realize this, that this was a problem?
- It must have been when we went to Maui.
- She zipped me up in a tiny box that's like a body bag.
- Yeah. - But I'm still alive.
(laughter)
- I bought this wonderful man, who won't let me in, a drone.
- Again, with the drone. - It took me years to find.
- Here we go with the drone. - It's a Marine drone.
- Oh wow. - And when I gift it to him,
he said is there a device in here
that you're sneaking up on me?
Spying on me? - [Keith] Oh, well that's
- I wanted him to just use it,
so we could see the mountains.
- She gave me this toy.
Except this toy has a camera in it.
- [Keith] Yeah. - Yeah.
- I don't trust anything with cameras.
- Really? - Phones.
- We don't have a picture together.
- Photo booths. - That makes sense.
I can understand that.
- But it's a fun time to put on your fridge.
- The very second we walked out
of the horse factory as this.
- We walked down the streets of New York City as four limbs.
- Pointing inward, two tails. - Two tails, no head.
- Like if cat-dog was reversed, and two horses.
- Oh. - Everyone screams
in horror as we walk by.
- We have to take the subway,
because we cannot get out of walking in circles.
- We can walk in a circle and struggle
in a doorway and almost nothing else.
- We cannot chat, we cannot eat.
- We can only (bleep)
- (bleep) and (bleep). - and (bleep).
- How is this affecting your relationship?
- Oh my goodness. (Keith laughs)
Our TikTok numbers are down, they're down.
If you look at our TikTok numbers, they're down 80%.
Just look at Mr. Muffins.
The cute energy just isn't there.
It's like life - Well, he's 17
- is slowing leaving out his eyes.
- Well, he's also 17 years old.
- When I was 17, I lost my virginity, Keith.
Live life. - Oh my God.
- It was awful, I was in the room.
- I was clawing at the door,
saying I don't wanna see this.
- It was so cute. (laughter)
Do you wanna see the TikTok?
- And they broke - No, no, no, and not.
So how is this affecting your relationship?
- I think that's pretty clear.
- I mean, just please go give me
some details please. - I haven't (bleep)
in three weeks. - Oh.
You might need to go to the doctor,
the hospital. - I said that
multiple times. - The hospital?
- The hospital, yes - He won't go.
- [Keith] Why? - He's afraid.
- They take x-rays there. - [Keith] Obviously.
- That's alien technology. - You have a lot of stool
within your body. - Ancient alien technology.
- And you should release it.
- No, I'll keep my poop where it is inside my body.
- Oh, okay. - I said
I'm very comfortable if you want poop in front of me.
I don't mind. - [Keith] Right.
- She's trying to take samples.
- I asked for it once. - I know it.
- I asked for one sample. - Why?
- I wanted to double check to make sure you weren't sick,
or poisoned by the neighbor. (laughter)
The neighbor's my ex-husband. (laughter)
- Whoa, so how is this affecting your relationship?
Oh, that's cute, that's really cute.
You guys actually love each other.
- Of course we love each other.
- Oh, I love her so much, because it's so wrong.
- It's so wrong that it's right.
- It's so wrong - So wrong.
- But it's so right. - So wrong.
- Okay, how is this affecting your relationship?
- Well. - Well.
- We are shunned by the entire horse community.
- My mother, and father are the back
and front halves of a priest horse.
And they always remind us that this was not in the Bible.
We've been really ridiculed
by our horse friends and families.
- Every time we go to the semi-annual
horse banquet, we have to sit at the
abomination table. - Abomination table.
- Oh my God. (laughter)
Talk to each other using I feel statements.
- Okay. - Yeah.
You know, like I feel hurt because blank.
- I feel like I'd like nothing more in life than to die
or to have never existed in the first place.
I would love for you to just leave me anywhere.
- Oh wow. - And just let me go.
And let me run away, and be eaten by some sort of animal.
- Kimber, repeat to me what he just said.
- Well, I think that Mr. Muffins, being such a good boy,
wants to give me the honor of being
the last one to see them alive.
And honestly, Mr. Muffins, my whole life
is for you and the TikToks we make together.
- [Keith] But like the - Do you see
what's going on here? - Yeah, that's the thing.
Mr. Muffins is crying out for help.
And you're sitting there like
making this all about you and how you feel.
You're worried about your TikToks, when this is not the
that's not the issue. - Mr. Muffins, defend me!
- I can't defend (bleep) (laughter)
- I feel the heavy metals coursing through my blood
from the GMO wheat that I eat.
- And I feel that the Creekside killer has moved locations.
During this investigation, by this Mr. Leak.
And he is going to attack again
- Guys, I'm gonna be completely honest
with you two right now, you're doing it wrong.
- I feel pressured to be the front half of a horse
which I am not. - I feel like,
if you were to become the front end of a horse,
we could finally visit with my nephews.
- We can, we can make our own nephews.
- No, we simply cannot make our own nephews.
- Okay, fine you got me there.
- That is not how it works. - Okay fine, you got me there.
- What do you want your partner to understand about you?
- I want you to understand that, basically,
I kind of always have a little bit
of piss running down my legs,
and a little bit of (bleep) on my butt.
(laughter) - That's gross, Mr. Muffins.
- I know, exactly - Mr. Muffins,
I just want you to know that I will do everything
in my power to spend every single waking moment
and sleeping night with you.
Even if I have to replace some of your bones
with 3D printed materials, I will.
I will do that, because I love you.
And I love the view count on our Instagram reels.
It's so cute. - What's your view count?
- There's a little bit of piss and (bleep) that comes out.
View count? - [Keith] Yeah.
- Most viewed reel? - [Keith] Yeah.
- We have 1.1 billion views. - Oh wow.
- [Kimber] Yes. - Oh my God, what video?
I might have seen the video, what was the video?
- Well, maybe, I don't know.
It blew up specifically in India,
but like everyone in India's seen it.
Every single person in India has seen it.
- She got some of those little pads that have
words on them that I can press.
And I kept saying, please (bleep) end this.
- Oh. - Please.
- How cute is that. - I think I actually
seen that video, and it was really sad and disheartening.
- It's really cute, and brings hope
to the others in the world. - Kimber, I didn't say that.
You put words in my mouth,
and I think if you - I just hear things
that I want to hear. - I believe that.
I think you're a little bit of a narcissist.
- I'm a great artist? (laughter)
- Mr. Muffins!
- This is the healthiest relationship I've ever had.
(laughter)
- How about for you, Redacted?
- I can't watch TV with you,
'cause TV will brainwash you.
I can't have a TV
in my house. - It's Wheel of Fortune.
- Oh, wheel of deception is more like it.
- I kind of agree with him about Wheel of Fortune.
- Yeah, Pat Sajak, he's a plant.
He might even be the Creekside killer.
- His record is clean.
- I am the back end of a horse through and through.
And I am okay being an abomination,
if I am your abomination. - I want
I want you to under-, are you laughing?
- Yeah, sorry, I just - Why would you laugh?
- at a moment that tender!
- I just got a text message, and it was really funny, sorry.
- You are holding a pen. (laughter)
- Okay, how about yourself, Jennifer?
Horse self, sorry. - Oh, thank you.
We're trying to rewrite horse-story.
I want you to understand that,
despite my traditional background, I do not believe
that my priest-horse father and mother are right.
And I want you to be yourself.
- All I want to do is make nephews with you.
We can make nephews somewhere in Manhattan where we live.
- Somewhere on the subway. - Somewhere on the subway.
- We also don't live on the first floor.
- I'm gonna give you guys some homework.
- Oh good. - Yeah, well
this is more so for Kimber. - Okay, yeah that's right.
- Hey Kimber, there's someone like
towing your car right now, and you need
to go and like get it taken care of.
Like get it before they're - Really?
- Yeah, they're towing your car.
- Are you (bleep) kidding me?
- Yes, yes, yes, yes. - Shut up!
- They're towing your car. - Hey, you can't tow my car,
it already happened this week! - Go, go, go, go, go, go, go.
- Good luck giving homework to someone
who flunked out of Phoenix University.
- Hey, Mr. Muffins, go, go and don't come back.
Go, get outta here. - Okay.
- Get outta here, good. - I'm going as fast as I can.
- This way, Mr. Muffins, she's that way.
- This is as fast as I can go.
- Oh my God.
I'm gonna give you guys some homework.
Sarah. - I don't know how
I'll find time for that, I work 18 hours a day.
- Well, that's my homework.
You need to take Redacted with you on some
of your work, when you're - No, I'm too busy.
- [Keith] spying and that - My SUV is filled
with papers. - And mine's filled
with instruments to prove the earth is flat.
- Yeah, but that's my homework for you guys.
- For us to go on an adventure together?
- Yeah, you guys should go on an adventure together.
Show him some of your spying techniques.
He needs, I mean. - Yeah.
And maybe bring the drone or something?
- You guys are almost like a match made
in heaven, to be totally honest.
- I think that we can really work
on some things together. - Yeah, yeah!
- I think, you know, I can help you on your case.
- You can help me hold instruments
to measure for aliens. - I'd be happy to hold
any instrument. - Oh.
- That you allow me to.
- You mean like instruments like this?
- Yeah. - What is that?
- I'd be happy to hold your penis anytime.
(laughter)
- I want you guys to go to the happiest place on earth.
- Oh. - Oh.
- And go hang out with - Whoa.
- Wow. - That doesn't have any legs!
- Also - I've never experienced
something like that. - You see what I'm saying?
Also an abomination. - That's just a top half.
- Well, I didn't get done drawing, but like, yes.
- Wow. - So I want you guys
to go to Disney in Florida.
And go like, say what's up to Mickey, talk to him.
He has a lot of friends who are abominations as well.
I mean they all talk. - So you think
we will be accepted in Florida?
- One hundred percent. (laughter)
- One hundred percent, 'cause anything
- Florida? - Florida?
- Florida! - Florida!
- Florida I think may be great for you guys.
I think you guys will fit right in.
- Oh. - Let me help you.
All right, there we go. - Oh wait, can we give you
a hug before we go? - Let's give him a hug!
- A hug?
Okay, oh. (laughter)
My tumor. (laughter)
- Oh, I'm so sorry. - Sorry, we didn't know.
- We're gonna, actually the exit is this way.
- We will exit in shame. - The exit is this way.
- [Apples] Oh good. - This is awesome.
What the (bleep) was that (bleep)?
Oh my God. (laughter)
All right.