Warning: This video contains mostly nonsense.
Today I'm going to tell you about this banana.
It may look like just another ordinary banana,
but it is in fact the best banana.
Let's get undone.
(upbeat music)
♪ Gerald Undone ♪
♪ He's crazy ♪
- What's happening, everybody?
I'm Gerald Undone and effectively I'm the baby now.
So I buy a lot of bananas.
And it's because I eat them daily
and has nothing to do with raising an army of super chimps,
despite what my local newspaper keeps writing about me.
And every time I get a new hand of bananas,
that's what a group of bananas is called,
by the way, a hand,
every time I buy one,
I inspect it looking for the best banana.
I figure if I inspect a hand
of eight bananas twice a week for roughly 25 years,
that's over 20,000 bananas I've inspected.
And it took me that full 20,000 bananas
to find this one, the best banana.
So what makes it the best banana?
Well, first off, its ideal size.
Now, most other banana reviewers at this point would pull
out their Kleinman's Official Banana Tape
and take some standard measurements of length and girth,
tell you how those deviate from the mean,
and the comment section would undoubtedly fill up
with timestamps to that measurement scene
with low-hanging phallus humor.
I, however, a true banana connoisseur,
know that the only correct way to measure a banana is
by how many 12 millimeter slices you can cut
for adding to your cereal after removing
the unappetizing black nub on the bottom of the banana,
which botanists refer to as the bananus.
And there is only one correct answer here, 14.
Any more slices and you're making
a breakfast too banana heavy.
Any fewer and you lose the ability
to pivot into a banana sandwich
if it turns out you're out of milk.
And as you might expect from the best banana,
we're getting 13.8 slices,
which is the best score I've ever measured
and deserving of special recognition.
Now, taste is obviously crucial as well.
And when it comes to taste,
the best bananas merely whisper their flavor
instead of the overzealous sensations provided
by under and overripe bananas.
Well, I've eaten this specific banana a few times now,
and I promise you it's the most harmoniously neutral
and elegantly impartial banana flavor available
on the market today.
And this video is not sponsored by Dole, or Del Monte,
or any of the other big players in the banana game.
Now obviously when you come across a product
as seemingly perfect as this banana,
you're left wondering if some tampering has occurred.
Sometimes these manufacturers know how
to engineer a product just right
in order to beat the common tests that reviewers use.
It doesn't mean the banana is perfect.
It just means it's perfect
at passing rudimentary banana tests.
So to prevent being duped by those nefarious fruit frauds,
I sent off some core samples of this banana
to the berry lab to be analyzed.
And yes, you have to send the bananas to the berry lab
because they're actually just big,
elongated berries of the musa genus.
Well, to my surprise
the results came back overwhelmingly pure,
testing at 98% musa and 2% Scots-Irish.
So there's no evidence of banana tampering,
meaning we truly are in the presence
of a rare and fabled fruit.
Now, as most of you know,
there's a lot of contention in the community
about which color a banana should be prior to consumption.
What I've noticed, though,
is that most of these arguments are purely subjective
and not grounded by science or facts.
There seems to be a heavy emotional component
to these debates as well,
likely fueled by an attachment
to a particular ripeness or flavor
that they were exposed to in their youth,
and they've come to associate that memory
with a particular shade of banana
and refuse to hear any opinions promoting bananas
of any other hue.
What you may not know, however,
is that a governing body has already settled this dispute
by developing the specification BS:1-420,
more commonly known as the Banana Line Standard.
Basically, if we analyze this banana
or any other banana on a vectorscope,
we can see how closely it follows
or conversely deviates from that banana line,
which is basically just a reference vector
that fruit scientists use
to determine how close a banana's hue is to the ideal.
And in the case of this banana,
you guessed it, it falls precisely on the banana line.
Now we could go further and test the viscosity
in the bananafuge for both oscillating
and rotational rheometry.
We could send away for a decomp analysis.
There's even some interesting stuff being done
by the Swiss in Zero-G environments.
But those aren't gonna tell us anything
about the banana that's in front of me.
By the time we get those results back,
this banana would have changed.
And that's the most interesting thing about the best banana,
it's a fleeting thing.
It's important we appreciate it now while it's here...
before it becomes so ripe that the person you live
with decides to put in the freezer,
promising they're gonna make banana bread with it one day,
but then you find that banana all brown
and crystallized in the back of the freezer a year later,
while they simultaneously try to convince you
that it makes sense to put even more,
recently overripened bananas in the same freezer,
perpetuating the original problem
rather than just take the L and.
When the great T.S. Eliot wrote his poem "The Hollow Men"
and concluded it with,
"This is the way the world ends,
this the way the world ends,
not with a banana but with a whimper,"
I believe it was this specific banana he was referring to.
Alright, I'm done.