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I'm on my way to see live music for the first time
and I'm so much more anxious
than I think I have any right to be,
because this band I'm about to see,
I'm completely and utterly obsessed with,
and I have seen every interview
YouTube will physically let me watch
and I listen to them so much,
at this point it's probably doing something unhealthy to me.
I don't know how that would work, but it's happening.
And when I listen,
and this is because when I listen to them,
all of a sudden I feel like I'm big and like I'm powerful
and like nothing can touch me
when I'm walking down the street,
which is really not something I feel
like ever at this point in my life.
And I feel like so small and clunky
and like I don't fit into my own body right.
And I'm kind of starting to think
that the middle school mentality
that I'll never fit into any scenario I go to
is just going to be how I live my life.
And I feel like I'm like,
I just have to accept this at this point.
So it doesn't make any sense
that I'm this anxious to see this band,
but I'm trying to think about what I can expect.
And I'm just kind of thinking about how in movies,
punk shows are always like a bunch of loud,
aggressive, intoxicated white boys,
and that doesn't really seem like my scene.
And I'm spiraling a bit and I'm looking around on the train
and I see this girl who's about like 9 or 11,
I don't know how age works,
but she's there and she's with her dad and I'm like,
"Wonder if they're going to the punk show?"
And then I'm more of a mess and I'm still spiraling.
And then I get off the train and we get to the venue
and then it doesn't look like a venue
but it definitely is a venue 'cause I get inside
and it's dark and everyone's bigger than me
and it's really loud.
And I pick a direction and I just start walking
and I see my eighth grade math teacher.
And 'cause of course I see my eighth grade math teacher.
So I go up and talk to my eighth grade math teacher
'cause that's how he wants to spend his Friday.
And I get up to him
and it was a lot less awkward than you would think.
And he asked me about music and what bands I listened to
and I forget every single band I've ever heard of ever.
And I'm like, "This one!"
And thankfully I'm interrupted
by the first band that's up and they have this very,
they introduce themselves
and they have this very nice, welcoming like speech,
about just like accepting everyone who's at the show.
And I'm like, "Oh wow."
And then they start screaming
and they sound like they're wounded animals
but then there's this weird pop music playing underneath it
and they're still screaming.
And then after each song ends,
the front person goes, "Thank you!"
And then continues screaming
for the next song and it's awesome.
And then this goes on for a bit and it stops.
And then I kind of creep out of the corner that I'm in,
and the next band is up.
And they, again, start screaming, of course, as you do.
And then, but these guys just,
they legitimately sound like they're demons,
and like just from how they're moving
to the way this man's like eyes look
and whatever the noise is that's coming out of him.
And for some reason I start to relax a bit
and people are starting to dance around me
and in this sort of like way
where it feels like there's a big sense of unity in the room
and I don't know where that's coming from.
And then this lady behind me goes,
"Well, that was aggressive!"
And I'm like, "Yeah, it was aggressive!"
And then that band is, they're done, and then I'm like,
"My band is next."
So I kind of like creep up to the front middle of the room.
So I'm next to this woman who's bragging to her friends
about all the new patches she's put on her jacket.
And I'm like, "I support your DIY craft so much!"
And then my band has gone up to tune in their instruments,
and I'm like, and then I text my friend and I'm like,
"I see the front woman!"
And she's like, "Ah!" And I'm like, "Ah!"
And this is all over text.
And then I'm so excited
and I can feel everyone else is just as excited as I am
and it feels like the room is like buzzing,
which is so crazy
'cause no one's ever excited about what I'm excited about.
And then they start playing
and it's like all of the air and sound
gets sucked out of the room and we're all watching them
and we're all just so excited to be there.
But it's like beyond excitement at this point.
And it's like everybody is where I am in my head right now.
And we're all just there together
and we're all having the same experience.
And then they start to play more songs
and they start to like get into the music a little bit more.
And everyone else around me is doing that as well.
And they start to play my favorite songs,
and apparently everybody else's favorite songs too.
And then people are starting to dance more and more.
And there's this woman in front of me,
and all she's doing is like jumping up and down,
which in any other context would look ridiculous,
but it doesn't at all look ridiculous now.
And like I can do that too.
So I start to like move and like jump around a bit,
and then I get that same sense of power and freedom
that I get when I listen to it normally,
but it's like fresher or it was like revived or something.
And then someone kind of nudges me
and like pushes me out of the way
and like takes my front middle spot
and I'm about to like get internally offended
'cause conflict is scary.
And then, but then I just see
that this woman was just making space
for her girlfriend to go up next to her.
And I'm like, "This is a room full of punk, queer women."
And I just, I didn't know that was a thing
and I just need a minute to like sit and process that.
And I look around and I see the girl from the train
sitting on her dad's shoulders
with like these big clunky headphones
so her ears don't get all messed up.
And I would think
that it would be weird for a kid to be here,
but she looks like she's exactly where she's supposed to be.
And I start to realize
that I feel like I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be too.
And so I just let myself hold onto that,
and the last thing I want to do is run away
and hide in a corner.
And I really feel like I belong here,
and I'm so happy
and I've never felt this kind of happy before.
And then like the band, this is still in a show,
and there's like a mosh pit that's forming next to me,
which I don't go over.
I don't go in 'cause I would get squashed
like a little tiny person pancake,
but I'm like on the side of it
and I can still feel all of like the energy from it,
and I'm still like kind of like riding
off of that excitement that I'm feeling
and that everybody else is feeling as previously mentioned.
And then eventually the band, like they stop playing
and I feel, and I come back to my body
and I realize how much I have to pee
and get a glass of water,
and I really don't want to leave the room,
but I realize that I have to.
And I kind of look at the front woman and I'm like, "Ah!"
And then I leave and get on the subway,
and I'm looking at all these other people
who were at the show with me
and I can tell 'cause they're holding
like little various bits of merch or whatnot,
and I'm looking at them and I'm realizing
that they're all like me in some way
and in so many different ways they're like me,
which I really didn't think was a thing.
And I didn't realize
that I had something to grow up into before.
I don't really know what I thought would happen to me,
but I just never had an image
that my life could like go somewhere
and I could stay being like the weirdo person I am
and have it make sense in the world around me.
And I started to realize that the small feeling
that I'm holding onto,
I don't need it anymore and I never needed it.
And that I'm not that small person,
and I'm not going to be small forever,
and I don't need to be, and that I'm going to be okay.
And it's just so crazy to think about.
Thank you.