I just don't like to exercise. I can't focus on it.
So my buddy recently was like,
"Hey, you should do what I do: take Adderall...
and then go to the gym."
I was like, "What the hell is this?"
You know it's a thing? I looked it up. It's all over Reddit.
So I did it. I popped an Adderall.
I went to the gym,
and I just cleaned equipment for 90 minutes.
I alphabetized the energy bars.
I fixed an elliptical cycle. I lost five pounds
and I work at Curves now.
I have a snaggletooth.
- You guys know snaggleteeth? - ( woman whoops )
Ah, you're pointing at-- I got a--
Oh, you guys met. Okay, okay.
It's like Legos. Pop!
I have a snaggletooth,
which means all my teeth are normal up and down,
except for one's like, "I'm a bad kid!"
My friend just got hers fixed,
like a sellout.
She's trying to get me to fix mine.
She's like, "It changed my life. You should do it.
I look so fancy now."
I'm like, "You can do whatever you want to your mouth.
I'm not about to gentrify this neighborhood.
There's been a perfectly happy tenant
living on this corner for over 30 years.
And sure, they're a little rough around the edges,
but I'm not about to yank 'em out and replace 'em
with some straight white motherfucker."
( applause )
Feels nice to tell that joke in the South.
My family's from Cuba.
Thank you.
My family's from Cuba.
I'm very proud of my heritage.
Sometimes I get a little annoyed the way people talk about it.
"Have you been to Cuba?
Oh, my God, have you been?
Oh, my God, you have to go.
You have to go to Cuba! You must! I implore you.
You have to go before it changes!
Before it changes, por favor, go!
Por favor, go to la isla of Cuba, please!
You have to go drive around in an old classic car,
smoke a cigar.
It's the perfect level of poverty for Instagram right now!
Hmm, muah! Just a sweet spot.
The people, they're so poor.
But they're so happy!
They're so poor! They have nothing.
But they have a glow,
and they have each other."
Have you heard people talk like this?
- ( audience agrees ) - Ugh! It kills me.
Every time I hear someone talking like that,
I want to respond with like, ( gasps )
"Oh, my God!
Then if they're so happy, if they're so happy,
why do they escape?
Why do they risk their lives and swim 90 miles
through treacherous waters just to get to Florida?
A state so sad it's shaped like half a frown?"
You know who never travels to Cuba?
Cubans that left Cuba.
My parents left over 40 years ago.
They've never gone back.
When I lived in San Francisco,
they wouldn't even visit Alcatraz.
My dad was like, "A prison island,
surrounded by sharks? I don't think so, man!"
I don't think so, motherfucker!
Eh, eh, eh, eh, eh! Never again, man! Never again!
They have a saying in Tennessee, you know?
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me-- you can't fool me again, you know what I mean?
President George W. Bush said that."
A president that just suddenly got promoted
to second worst president of all time.
( cheers, applause )